I left my marriage for him - he didn’t return the favour

[Ladywit]

Two years ago, I met a married man whilst I was also married. It had been a long and unhappy marriage for me and this man offered everything I had been longing and hoping to find in life before it was too late.
Although I was very cautious when I met him and didn’t sleep with him until a year after meeting, he broke down my defences completely. Meeting him put my already troubled marriage on a downward spiral and, egged on by this man in whom I found both a lover and a friend, I filed for divorce last year. He also claimed to be stuck in a very unhappy marriage, made promises and constantly referred to our future together. Although I told myself that he’s merely played the role of a catalyst, deep down I know I left the marriage to make a legitimate place for him in my life.
With the breakdown of the marriage came many challenges, most of all financial as my ex managed to transfer everything to offshore accounts and I have been struggling with single motherhood and a full time job. But I was still relieved to have taken this step and it seemed to me that I had found true love in the process.
However, when I pressed for him to take similar measures and make it possible for us to embark on the future HE had spoken about since the beginning, he didn’t seem to be able to follow through. After seven months of penduluming, during which he asked his wife for a trial separation, went back, we broke up, came back and asked me to go away on a weekend with him, assuring me that he had decided he wanted to be with me, left me again and went on an anniversary holiday with her (which completely devastated me), so on and so forth until finally the painful cycle ended a couple of weeks ago.
I’m weeping as I write this and hurting so deeply. I had to deal with all this uncertainty and emotional trauma while having to deal with the aftermath of the divorce and everything else. It has left me broken and questioning everything. I’m also feeling an immense amount of rage and wondering how it could be that I was hoodwinked by someone I considered the love of my life.
While it is true that we were both married when we met, I didn’t sleep with him until I had decided I was going to leave my marriage, and had taken steps towards it. Perhaps I should have demanded the same of him? I just was so certain it was only a matter of time before he would do that as he was always the one talking about us getting married. I suppose I trusted him.
The penduluming has also confused me, I know he felt genuinely conflicted about breaking his family unit but I feel furious about how he went about with it and prolonged the pain and confusion for me. It feels like he was struggling and trying to wean himself off me. Even during our last conversation he implied he was going to extricate himself from his marriage and come find me, whilst also saying that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t give it one last shot because his wife was trying her best.
But you see, the thing is, that poor woman has no idea about me and the last two years.
In my moments of anger, I feel I ought to tell her so that she at least knows what she’s dealing with and bending over backwards for. I feel he’s gotten away scot-free after destroying my life and is enjoying being wooed back by his wife on top of it all. It feels massively unfair both to me and her and I feel certain he will repeat what he did to me with another woman.
In other words, I feel affronted and my sense of justice demands that he be punished in some way.
I’m aware that this is a very basic, primal feeling and I want to know if I should act on it. It just seems unfair that he’s able to saunter back into playing the role of a doting family man after deceiving both me and his wife.
The anger and hurt I feel have paralysed me and I’m struggling to get on with life. I’m 40, educated and attractive but I feel broken, my marriage to a narcissist had already harmed me and I feel cheated that the man I fell so in love with and thought was my redemption and the balm for my wounds chose to play with me and hurt me so profoundly. Did he ever love me at all? What did he gain from this? Why does a part of me still hope he’s going to come back? I know I can never trust him so should I tell the wife and get some closure?
Please respond from a kind place x

I notice that your feelings for 'this poor woman' only seem to have surfaced now that her husband has done the dirty on you!

You ask us to be kind to you, yet how kind have you been? As long as things were going your way you were happy to shag a married man, happy to try and lure him away from his wife, happy to collude in breaking up his marriage.

As for you, you are where you are and tbh if this guy did you one favour it was to give you the strength and wherewithal to escape your unhappy marriage. So look on the bright side - at least you aren't married to a narcissist any more. Now go and some counselling, because the one thing worse than where you are now is for you to keep repeating this cycle of falling for toxic men. Forget him and forget his wife. Block him and move on and try to get your shit together so you don't make this mistake again.

"this man offered everything I had been longing for" you really have to find that in yourself. Watch some Stephanie Lyn coaching videos on YouTube. This man was a liar and a cheat. You deserve more than a liar and cheat as a partner. Focus on yourself.

Do you think if you tell her she’ll kick him out and he’ll want a life with you?

I can see why it would be tempting if so but I also think you’d struggle to believe he really wanted you rather than had lost his other option. And you know you can’t trust him.

Oh OP. I know this is sad for you. But how could you trust what he said when you knew he was lying to his wife?

Try and see a way forward without him. Your marriage was in a bad way before this - it's not a disaster that it has ended. Work on recovery and healing before you think about looking for a new relationship.

Block this man and delete all his numbers. If he contacts you again it will just delay your own journey. He's been so cruel to you and his wife - who's to say the 'penduluming' won't carry on for longer?

Personally I'd tell his wife. But only if you are sure that you don't have a secret deep down hope that this will make him come back to you.

You’re just going to have to suck it up, block him and move on I’m afraid. You’ve been had, but you got out of your unhappy marriage so it wasn’t a complete disaster.

You’re clearly vulnerable to arsehole unscrupulous men atm so best steer clear of dating for a bit until you’ve built yourself up.

As for the wife, well she’ll find out what he’s like sooner or later, but it’s really not your problem I’m afraid. If you tell her then it’s coming from a vengeful place inside you and you’d just be indulging your fixation on him. Just ride the hurt, chalk it up to experience and move on. You’ve got no other choice really.

the man I fell so in love with and thought was my redemption and the balm for my wounds

And now, in order to heal your wounds, you still want to inflict pain on his wife?

Heal yourself. Like she would have had to if your plan had worked for you.

Don't tell the wife. Because imo you're telling her in the hope that the twat will come back to you. And he probably will (if she throws him out)

But why would you want him after all the crap he's put you through?

Were you thinking of his poor wife whilst you were bouncing up and down on his cock?

You reap what you sew.

He doesn't want you, he wants her.

I had to deal with all this uncertainty and emotional trauma while having to deal with the aftermath of the divorce and everything else.

You are entirely the author of your own misfortune (and that of your innocent DH and his innocent DW).

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Accept that you had free will in entering into this situation and take responsibility for your actions. Have nothing more to do with him (or any other married man) and try to move on and rebuild your life.

OP I do feel for you as you’re completely devastated.

It sounds as if ending your marriage was a good thing but the rest if it, gah I doubt there’s anything I can say you don’t already know

I wouldn’t tell his wife because it sounds like you you’d be doing it hoping she would kick him out and he’d come to you. Even if she did kick him out, he’d blame you for wrecking everything. It’s over with him. You have to move on

It sounds as though, even without the other man, your marriage to a narcissist either wouldn't have survived, or would have continued to damage you. The other man has left you high and dry, but he was the catalyst for you ending your toxic marriage, so try not to see this in terms of your life being ruined - the end of a damaging marriage in itself can only be seen as a good thing.

You need to look at why you are attracted to this type of man and address this - try to heal yourself as a first step to moving on. Wishing you the best.

oh this is a tricky one. You are hurt and so please be kind to yourself.

Firstly, as hard as it was, your marriage breaking up was a good thing. You'd be unhappy for a while and sometimes we need external factors to force us onto the difficult but right path.

This man is not a good man. Your head knows it but it will take time before your heart catches up. Block him on everything, do not engage. Clean cut away.

In terms of the wife. I would normally advise against doing something when the motivation is anger or revenge. However, in this case... urg if I were the wife I would want to know. Could you set up an email address just for this purpose. Email her with all the details. Offer to answer any questions, provide evidence if you can as it will help her case. Then shut down the email for your own sanity as she may want to lash out - understandably.

I'm thinking about something you havent asked opinions on. Your exh has clearly decided to punish you financially for your infidelity. Is this having an impact on your kids? And if so, what? Also did your lover (is that the right word?) have kids. Not sure I'd immediately label him a Barca cos he had a change of heart. Sorry. Perhaps he's just a cunt who, when push came to shove, realised what he might lose and opted for the wife. I think you played with fire. But you dud say you were in an unhappy marriage and affair was catalyst. So, to put it crudely, what you lost was the financial stuff. Not a happy marriage you would otherwise have been happy to stay in.

you cant seriously be surprised that a liar and a cheat didnt tell you the truth!

I was in a position similar to this once, although I was single at the time. A few years on I've realised what you will come to, that he's a coward who lacks integrity and is not good partner material. You can and will do better.

It's great that you left your marriage, you should really have a substantial consolidation period before committing to anyone again though.

This is quite strange advice so far in this thread because usually people on mumsnet are very clear that you should tell the wife because he is putting her at risk, he’s lying to her and he’s taking advantage of her. So if you can find a way to do it without it being in the hope that he will come back to you, then yes I think you should tell her.

I would want to know if i were her.

that poor woman has no idea about me and the last two years.

You didn't have any sympathy for her whilst you were shagging her husband.

You want to tell her for the wrong reasons - revenge on him. You should leave it and move on with you're life. You are single now and free to find a new relationship (with someone who is also single!!).

You're well shot of him.

Spend a few years on your own and learn to like yourself, stop being and playing a victim.

Tell her. Your motivation sucks but she deserves to know her husband is a lying, cheating scumbag, not least because she can get STD checks, etc.
Block all of his numbers first. Telling her isn't going to bring him back to you. In fact, it's going to put a big red line under that fling/affair because it was an affair not the big romance of your life

Be honest with yourself: you want to tell her so she kicks him out and then he comes back to you. Is that really what you want? To be someone's last resort?

At least you got rid of your narcissistic husband in the process. Otherwise you would still be with him and you would be complaining and moaning about him on this website. Now you are free from both of them, you can make a fresh start. You had a lucky escape from both.
And yes, I would tell his wife. You owe him that favour.

Would you say this is a fair summary of your situation:

You cheated on your husband with a man who was also married.
You eventually left your husband on the back of promises made by the married men.
He then chose to not to leave his wife.

I think you need to take a good, hard look at your own behaviour in this - because your post is just a long sob story, with no real recognition of how badly you've behaved.

You will not be able to move on until you've fully accepted the truth; it'll just end up happening all over again.

Draw a line under this. Try to live your life going forward with dignity and self-awareness and kindness. That’s all you can really do.

I agree with LondonCrone. Also, this experience has given you a valuable gift, in ending your unhappy marriage. Use it to build a happier life for yourself and DC. Preferably without someone else’s husband, for all your sakes.

I'm really struggling to feel any sympathy for you tbh. So you didn't sleep with him until you decided to leave your marriage - but you didn't tell your husband it's over and then shag the om did you? So there's really nothing to congratulate yourself over at all when it comes to your choices in that regard.
However, he is deceiving his wife and getting away with it Scot free, while she could be happy on her own or with someone else. Their relationship is based on him lying to her, and she's totally wasting her life on him. So yes, do tell her, with proof, and let her finally for once make an informed decision about her relationship.

If you tell her and she kicks him out - he will come to you - are you strong enough to tell him to piss off? Because you know that the only reason he is with you is because you are better than no one. You have left an abusive marriage - don't jump into another one...