Ex pushing daughter out for new baby

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My daughter is 16 and grew up as an only child (until her step-siblings came along). I've been split from her dad for 9 years and have since remarried. Ex met someone else and moved in with her, very happy for him. But now the new GF is pregnant and I feel like my daughter is slowly getting pushed out.

Whenever she comes home from her dad's she says he just goes on and on about the new baby all the time. He always wanted a boy when we were married and I'm worried that if this baby is a boy she will get pushed out even more. He tries to force her to 'talk to the baby' through his GF's stomach which she's uncomfortable with, and he gets pissed off with her if she won't do it. Last year he promised her driving lessons for her 17th birthday but now he's backtracked and said he'll pay £200 towards them 'and your mum will have to find the rest.' (I'm buying her a new iPhone already for her birthday). I realise not all kids get these things for their birthdays and she's very lucky, but I don't like him backtracking like this. The other thing is, he sleeps in her bedroom at his GF's house when she's not there (the GF can't sleep with him as he snores) and leaves it in a tip/doesn't change the sheets etc, so she feels like she doesn't even have her own room to go to.

I realise I can do very little about any of this and I feel so helpless, watching her come back from his house every week and saying she doesn't want to see him any more. What can I do, other than support her?

You can't do anything, and you know this. I know it's hard but it's start of an adult relationship between them, and he isn't making a great start to it. However, there's bugger all you can do about it, if she doesn't want to go tell her she doesn't have to. No one is going to force her at that age.

These “problems” seem very minor and easily fixable.
He doesn’t sound like a bad dad, just excited about the new arrival and getting it a bit wrong with regards to trying to include DD.
Maybe you could talk to him on DD’s behalf and just explain how she is feeling to him, he probably doesn’t realise how she’s feeling and she’s likely to be over sensitive as it’s a new situation.

The money thing is shit but circumstances change. It’s easy to say you can do something when you have the cash but if he simply doesn’t anymore it’s unfortunate but he can magic money up from nowhere. If they have essentials they need to buy for a baby then I can see why he can’t then allocate £500+ towards a luxury treat for your DD. £200 is still a very generous contribution towards them though.

She's 16, she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to.

He doesn’t sound like a bad dad

Really? He certainly doesn't sound like a good one.

Leaving her room a mess and not changing the sheets is grim.

Promising to pay for driving lessons and now saying it is mum’s problem is appalling.

Getting pissed off with her when she doesnt want to do something that makes her uncomfortable? Yeah, great dad there

She is 16. What does she want to happen?

She doesn’t have to stay over or even visit him at all.

Pressed send too soon (again). Why can’t she/ won’t she tell him no re talking to the baby belly?

She’s 16 and she needs to speak up and make him listen to her as an adult and not his little girl anyway.

She does tell him, believe me! She's not afraid to speak up for herself. But it falls on deaf ears. He treats her like she's still 6 years old and if she speaks up for herself she's 'disrespecting him.'

she needs to speak up and make him listen to her as an adult

Crikey, I daresay if it was that easy, OP would still be married to him.

The talking to the baby nonsense is presumably his hamfisted way of trying to make DD feel included in the pregnancy. But getting pissed off with her for her reluctance is totally unreasonable.

He sounds thoughtless, selfish and clueless rather than actively unkind. But your DD is going to have to tell him how she feels about all these issues. He may not know.

If she feels she can't then she can always stop going. Perhaps that might be her best course of action because if he gets upset and contacts you about it you'll be able to tell him what she doesn't like and why.

I'm a stepmother and when I was pregnant I was very sensitive to my DSD feeling pushed out. It worked out fine. We're very close and she loves her DBs. It's a shame her stepmother isn't taking similar care to protect your DD.

ew! the sheets alone thing would have me refusing to stay - why is she continually putting herself through this, can't she say she's busy?

She's gone down from 3 visits a week to once a week. He guilt trips her for not going so much and I think she feels it's easier not to argue with him. She said to him this week that she won't be going next week as she's got stuff on with me - his response was 'that's not fair.' He's clueless that she feels this way but he doesn't listen. In his world everything is rosy and he's a prince of a dad. I'm just frustrated for her.

There's not much you can do except support her. There relationship is changing. Maybe she'd prefer to meet him out for a movie/meal/walk?

That's a good idea @ColumbaPalumbus, I'll suggest that to her. That way, she doesn't have to go and stay over.

He's an arse and he's showing her he's an arse. let him. It's her relationship to sort with him now.

Can she not change the sheets herself? At 16 she’s old enough. Also, I agree that she’s old enough to decide not to go.
I’d also be wary he’s gearing her up to be enthusiastic to become a babysitter.

She is now at an age where she must push back on men guilting her into doing things she does not want to do.

Help her learn to live with the misplaced guilt. Help her to know it is fine to say no. Help her to learn to say no to men who will get manipulative or angry upon hearing no. He does not show her respect. She does not have to go. He can feel the consequences of his actions.

Anything else is teaching her to tolerate bad behaviour from men.

Help her learn to live with the misplaced guilt. Help her to know it is fine to say no. Help her to learn to say no to men who will get manipulative or angry upon hearing no. He does not show her respect. She does not have to go. He can feel the consequences of his actions

This ^

Remember you only see this through her eyes and you clearly will have a predisposition to think negatively of your ex.

Regardless of what he does your DD will feel threatened by this new baby. You can either feed her fear and get her to see her dad's excitement about the new arrival as negative or try and reassure her that it will be okay (as he should be doing).

We went through this with DP's eldest when I got pregnant and sadly his ex fed the fear and was just massively unhelpful things are better now but it took some time.

I struggle to tell her it'll all be ok as I think it's a lie - he's a selfish arse and that's not going to change.

If he's sleeping in her room do they not have another room?
I'm wondering where the baby will sleep when it moves into its own room.

Don't lie to her that it will be OK. You divorced the selfish arse. She is still having to deal with him. Help her grow the backbone.

They don't have a spare bedroom, she already has two kids. They need to move house before the baby arrives apparently. But if they don't do this in time then she'll have nowhere to sleep at all.

I think you'll just have to let her work it out for himself.
If he keeps pushing her like this she'll go nc in a while, at 17 she's not stupid.

Sadly, I thought that may be your answer. Your poor daughter.