Ex pushing daughter out for new baby

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My daughter is 16 and grew up as an only child (until her step-siblings came along). I've been split from her dad for 9 years and have since remarried. Ex met someone else and moved in with her, very happy for him. But now the new GF is pregnant and I feel like my daughter is slowly getting pushed out.

Whenever she comes home from her dad's she says he just goes on and on about the new baby all the time. He always wanted a boy when we were married and I'm worried that if this baby is a boy she will get pushed out even more. He tries to force her to 'talk to the baby' through his GF's stomach which she's uncomfortable with, and he gets pissed off with her if she won't do it. Last year he promised her driving lessons for her 17th birthday but now he's backtracked and said he'll pay £200 towards them 'and your mum will have to find the rest.' (I'm buying her a new iPhone already for her birthday). I realise not all kids get these things for their birthdays and she's very lucky, but I don't like him backtracking like this. The other thing is, he sleeps in her bedroom at his GF's house when she's not there (the GF can't sleep with him as he snores) and leaves it in a tip/doesn't change the sheets etc, so she feels like she doesn't even have her own room to go to.

I realise I can do very little about any of this and I feel so helpless, watching her come back from his house every week and saying she doesn't want to see him any more. What can I do, other than support her?

My half sister was born when I was 16. Yes I did feel pushed out but fell in love the first time I saw her (no other children on stepmums side).

The time I got resentful was later. She had (and continues to have) great holidays that I never had when my parents were together, as my dad is on a much higher salary 16 years later, plus stepmums wages. She has the support of both parents at home, opportunities that I never had etc. Plus my mum was, and remains so bitter about my dad it kinda put a shadow on everything for a good few years.

We're both adults now and we have a great relationship, as indeed I now do with my dad and stepmum.

Looking back, I wish my mum had encouraged me to see my sister's impending arrival more positively (rather than projecting her feelings) and I wish I'd allowed myself to maintain the relationship between my dad, stepmum and sister rather than allowing jealousy (?) to take over leading to low contact for a few years.

I agree. Suggest she meets him out. That way he has to give her attention. How disgusting not changing the bed sheets for her. No 16 year old girl wants to sleep in dads gross sheets. Yukk. It’s not up to you to sort this out though. Just support her. She is now at an age where she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to. He’ll have to make effort and treat her like an adult or she’s done with him and that’s his tough titties

Tbh, I'd suggest that maybe she just visits and not stay overnight. Maybe the extra maintenance if not having 3 nights a week could go towards the driving lessons. Just let cms know of the decrease.

Not many children are simply ready to go no contact with a parent especially not with one they used to see 3x a week. Nor would it be in her best interest to go NC. I don't think people should put forward NC so lightly especially when we don't know the people involved. If she chooses to only stay there 1 night a week then no it's probably not reasonable to expect her to not share a bedroom there. It depends really OP if you can be honest with yourself about how you're feeling about all this. Would you prefer her to go NC?

Extra maintenance?!! Hahahhahaa that's so funny. I get ZERO fucking maintenance. He pays school fees and thinks his job is done. I have to magically find the money for everything else.

You've posted about this about this before and didnt like this responses hence you repeating and leaving details out. It's not uncommon when a new child is coming for finances to change. 200 pounds towards driving lessons isnt nothing to scoff at it's a start.

Wait, wait, wait...how does paying private school fees of what must be around £20,000 a year equate to he doesn't may maintenance? Assuming you accepted the fees being paid in lieu of maintenance?

Erm what details have I left out @Luckystar20? And I didn't realise there was a limit on posts?

Re the maintenance I haven't really had any choice. He used to pay £100 and then decided to withdraw it (I think it was because I got married and husband moved in, and he thought he shouldn't pay any more as we had more household income).

You have influenced you're daughter instead of being positive about her new sibling.

It's the same post bar afew details op if I could remember you're precious username I advance search.

Private school fees will be far more than the maintenance he would pay with three kids in his home. I think I've read your posts before too. Watch your step op, this is a difficult situation.

I don't know where the three kids have come from? We have one child together, his GF has two which he's not responsible for.

The private school was not my choice. But I am expected to suck up all other costs. But that wasn't the point of my post.

So they are planning to move before the baby comes and your daughter is part of that plan. Currently because he's keeping his pregnant partner awake he decamps to her bedroom which is empty most of the time. He pays private school fees for her plus he offered to pay £200 toward driving lessons and he's....selfish? You didn't have to accept private school fees in lieu of maintenance. She could have gone to a state school and you could have claimed CMS. At any rate he's really not looking like a selfish bastard here.

You haven't read my post just before yours.

If there are 2 children residing in their household they would be taken into account when CMS calculate what ex has to pay.

CMS would disagree with you. Her two kids would vary the amount down. Ex's sue they are part of the same household. I think the 3 kids is counting the unborn baby. OP how was your daughters school choice not up to you? If you'd object the private school wouldn't have taken her unless its part of a court order?

I didn't know that. My husband pays maintenance for his kids and my child isn't taken into account. How is that fair and equal?

If your husband pays through CMS he can tell them about your daughter and it will vary the amount down. Not all father's do. CMS is a minimum...at any rate it doesn't appear your ex-husband is trying to vary the amount he pays for your daughter. Has he said he's not going to pay the fees? Or asked you to contribute?

No, he still pays the fees and he hasn't threatened to stop.

Also: not the point of my original post but being a shit dad is not cancelled out by throwing money at school fees. He's not short of money. The backtracking on the driving lessons is in my opinion a crappy thing to do, especially the 'your mum will have to pay the rest' bit.

You're very lucky he pays school fees. My ex husband hasn't paid a cent in years. And because we're in Ireland there is no way of making him pay either! Plus you have a husband so presumably you split your households expenses as well?

Yes we do and I'm fine financially, it's just the expectation that absolutely everything else apart from school fees are my responsibility. Even something that he has previously agreed to pay for. He tried asking me for the school lunch money which is bundled in with the school fees. I said no given his contact has gone down to once a week.

But to my original point, she feels pushed out and that he only cares about the new baby. That's no way to treat an existing child. He has no interest whatsoever in her life or anything she's doing.

I remember your previous post OP and i hate to say this but you were encouraging your DD to focus on the negatives of the situation.

What exactly do you want to happen here? The baby isn't going to go away and it isn't going to help your DD to go NC with her dad (who actually doesn't sound that bad tbh).

Really honestly deep down are you feeling upset your DD isn't going to be her dad's main priority anymore? Because it is okay to feel that. I think I'd feel sad in that situation to be honest. But those feelings can't shape how you help your DD to adjust. It will just hurt her not him.

You're bitter that hes having a kid this is you're second thread about this op. You have not been positive about this whatsoever. He doesnt even need to pay anything towards lessons 200 pounds is plenty. Why not be positive. Hes getting bigger accommodation for everyone.

I think it's horrible that in a situation where your daughter is understandably feeling left out and pushed out because a new baby is on the way, that you are going out of your way to finally show her what a horrible guy her dad is rather than being the parent and explaining that he doesn't love her less, it's just a big event for him and he's very excited and doesn't mean to be paying less attention to anyone else.

You are harming your daughters relationship with her father, but beyond that who knows how many psychological abandonment issues you're pushing on to her when that doesn't even seem to be the situation.

He might be shit, but based on this you need to cut him some slack whilst him and his partner are dealing with a massive life change, a big exciting moment for them and on top of that need to move house and sort out who knows how much else.