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Original poster

Ex pushing daughter out for new baby

113 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 11:48

My daughter is 16 and grew up as an only child (until her step-siblings came along). I've been split from her dad for 9 years and have since remarried. Ex met someone else and moved in with her, very happy for him. But now the new GF is pregnant and I feel like my daughter is slowly getting pushed out.

Whenever she comes home from her dad's she says he just goes on and on about the new baby all the time. He always wanted a boy when we were married and I'm worried that if this baby is a boy she will get pushed out even more. He tries to force her to 'talk to the baby' through his GF's stomach which she's uncomfortable with, and he gets pissed off with her if she won't do it. Last year he promised her driving lessons for her 17th birthday but now he's backtracked and said he'll pay £200 towards them 'and your mum will have to find the rest.' (I'm buying her a new iPhone already for her birthday). I realise not all kids get these things for their birthdays and she's very lucky, but I don't like him backtracking like this. The other thing is, he sleeps in her bedroom at his GF's house when she's not there (the GF can't sleep with him as he snores) and leaves it in a tip/doesn't change the sheets etc, so she feels like she doesn't even have her own room to go to.

I realise I can do very little about any of this and I feel so helpless, watching her come back from his house every week and saying she doesn't want to see him any more. What can I do, other than support her?

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 17:31

Of course I'm upset that she isn't going to be her dad's main priority any more - show me a mum who wouldn't feel that way in this situation. But I have not been going out of my way to show her what an arse he is, she can see that all by herself. Every week she comes home from his house with a new reason why she doesn't want to go there any more. Why should I make her?

OP posts:
notthisshitagain · 08/02/2020 17:43

Who said you should make her?

Upstartcrones · 08/02/2020 17:44

Its okay to admit that OP but now you have to own it. Your views are shaping hers.

Have you thought maybe she's telling you what she thinks you want to hear? Perhaps she's picked up on your feelings and is trying to please you by seeing the situation through your lens. Coming home every weekend with a list of perceived slights to her is classic child of divorced parents behaviour when they know one parent dislikes the other. She knows its what you want to hear to reinforce your own feelings.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 17:46

I honestly don't think she's trying to please me, no. She's genuinely unhappy when she's there, to the point where she has in the past called me crying and asked to be picked up. She's 16 and she's not stupid - she can see what he's like without me having to tell her.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/02/2020 17:54

Your subsequent posts have made me reconsider my previous comment.

Of course I'm upset that she isn't going to be her dad's main priority any more - show me a mum who wouldn't feel that way in this situation.

You're wrong. Another mum might be considering the enrichment of their child's life by the addition of a sibling. Has this not occurred to you?

My DSD got a lot out of having two much younger brothers. She loved taking them to the park. Your DD may love the new baby and enjoy playing with it.

My DSD's mum kept telling her that her DF wouldn't be interested in her once the new baby arrived. This primed the poor kid to feel anxious and insecure. It was, IMO, a cruel thing to do, and was fuelled by her bitter resentment of DH and of our happy marriage.

I wish I could say that I see no parallels in your situation.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 18:00

My DSD's mum kept telling her that her DF wouldn't be interested in her once the new baby arrived. This primed the poor kid to feel anxious and insecure. It was, IMO, a cruel thing to do, and was fuelled by her bitter resentment of DH and of our happy marriage

I have never, ever said anything remotely like this to her. It's his actions which are making her feel insecure. I'm not resentful at all of his new relationship - good luck to him. My only concern is his treatment of his daughter. When he says things like 'don't worry, you'll always be my first born' it has the reverse effect of making her worry.

OP posts:
IWishItWasSummer · 08/02/2020 18:03

This happened to my daughter when she was 7. By the time she was 12 she refused to go and visit her dad, she’s 26 now and hasn’t seen him in 14 years. She did send photos and letters to him and asked him to go to the cinema or for lunch with her which he refused as he wanted his new family to go too. She got fed up in the end and hasn’t contacted him in 5 years now. She often says if he’d given her some time alone with him things would have been different. The only advice I can give is support her in her decisions.

strawberry2017 · 08/02/2020 18:10

Could she talk to step mum? Would she be able to understand more? He does sound like a selfish arse but like you say that's not suddenly going to change now.
An alternative person may be able to least help with some of the issues like the bedding etc

Luckystar20 · 08/02/2020 18:12

Full siblings get used to sharing a parent it's no different. It sounds like shes throwing her toys out fo the pram because shes only getting 200 quid for driving lessons. Some kids dont get driving lessons paid for at 17 shes very lucky! She wont be the only one but instead of seating there pandering to her moaning maybe encourage her to be adult about the situation and embrace having a sibling. You wouldn't think she was approaching young adulthood. Kids moan that's part and parcel of it especially of divorce parents my ds does about his dad and about me to my ex we take it which a pinch of salt.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 18:18

I said in my original post that she was very lucky to get money towards driving lessons etc. But what I don't think is acceptable is him back-tracking on things he's already promised because of the baby. There have been other examples of this as well.

OP posts:
Luckystar20 · 08/02/2020 18:23

Give over if he hasnt got it he hasnt got it to give that life 200 pounds is still generous. Why not pay half each that's 400 pounds towards lessons.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 18:25

He has got it though. I'll ask him to pay half towards her new phone and contract then shall I?? I can predict what response I'll get.

OP posts:
SebastienCrabSauce · 08/02/2020 18:28

@chocolatesaltyballs22 I have made promises to my kids before that I’ve had to back track on, it happens. Thus is life.

I told my kids we were going on a 2 week abroad holiday last year, but an opportunity arose for me to go back to university which meant I could no longer afford to take them abroad. Instead we went on a seaside caravan budget holiday.

Shit happens. Doesn’t make him a bad father. He can’t not support he’s partner and new baby to provide a large luxury to his other child. That would be selfish in my opinion and not fair on the baby.

He’s still contributing to her driving lessons but he can no longer afford to pay for more than £200.

You need to manage your DD’s expectations and try not to make her bitter.

Do you have other children OP?
Has your life not changed since having a new DP? Whether financially for the better or worse?
Things can’t stay the same forever.

I feel you’re setting your DD up for a lot of unhappiness by projecting your own anger onto her relationship with her dad.

And to answer your previous question when you said wouldn’t every mother be upset at their DD not being the dad’s only priority... we’ll no. I would expect a 16 year old to be embracing her new sibling and offering a lot of love and support towards helping her accept the world doesn’t revolve around her.

She is getting school fees paid, £200 for her birthday and a dad who (although misguidedly) actively trying to include her in their new family.

You sound so bitter.

SebastienCrabSauce · 08/02/2020 18:31

He has got it though
You know this how?? You have no idea the ins and outs of his households finances. Nor do you have any right to.

I'll ask him to pay half towards her new phone and contract then shall I?? I can predict what response I'll get

No you don’t have to ask that. You could, however, ask your DD which she would prefer... would she rather a new phone or did you to put £200 towards her driving lessons instead. That’s a reasonable response to the situation.

WhiteCat1704 · 08/02/2020 18:43

hmm...
Your daughter needs to get over herself or she will lose a relationship with her father and a future one with a sibling..

It sounds like that's what you want though..
For her not to be part of your ex new family...it's sad for your dd but she sounds spoiled.

And why can't she change bedsheets or get a part time job to cover half of her driving lessons? Sounds like her father has a lot of extra spendings with a house move...

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 18:47

She does have a part time job (one he didn't approve of her getting) but she's on minimum wage for 9 hours a week so it doesn't go very far.

Mixed responses....but thanks for the replies. For what it's worth I don't think a 17 year old needs to learn how to drive. I didn't learn until I was in my 20's and able to pay for my own car/insurance etc.

OP posts:
mrscampbellblackagain · 08/02/2020 18:55

Is she doing her gcse's this year? Because I don't think she should have a part time job either so with your ex on that one. He is clearly prioritising her education if paying fees and if I were you - I would want that to continue until she completes school.

The sheets thing is gross and she just needs to tell him that. Yes she could change the bed herself but honestly it is pretty shit for no one in the house to have ensured clean bedding for her.

As to the rest, I would try and encourage her to keep up contact. I have seen a lot of men stop paying school fees so the fact he has continued that is a good thing. How does she get on with her step mother?

Luckystar20 · 08/02/2020 18:59

She sounds very spoilt. Who's going to pay for a car insurance mot and tax and petrol is that going to be the bank of dad. You're dd doesnt understand the real op. If it were me it would be either driving lessons or the mobile phone not both. I think you're doing you're dd a disservice not managing her expectations. It sounds like shes been used to getting two of everything and not sharing.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/02/2020 19:12

She did her GCSE's last year. She's in the first year of A levels.

OP posts:
ColumbaPalumbus · 08/02/2020 19:42

Reverse? It has to be.

Hypergear · 08/02/2020 21:45

I always find it bizarre that when a father has a baby when they have DC from a previous relationship they are so easily accused of making DC feel left out, but you'll never see a mother being chastised for being excited about their new baby.. New relationship or otherwise! Hmm
So many posts like this, but equally as many of women being upset that husband's aren't showing enough interest in new baby. One rule for one it seems. Shame, sometimes fathers just can't win!

CalleighDoodle · 08/02/2020 22:04

Hypergear because most of the time the existing child lives most lf the time with the mother.

Hypergear · 08/02/2020 22:08

@Calleighdoodle
Isn't 4 days with one, 3 days with the other not pretty much as even a split as you can get though?

ColumbaPalumbus · 08/02/2020 22:11

This so isn't the mother...this has the pregnant girlfriend written all over it...

notthisshitagain · 08/02/2020 22:18

This isn't a reverse.

OP is a regular on the step parenting board.

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