Ex pushing daughter out for new baby

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My daughter is 16 and grew up as an only child (until her step-siblings came along). I've been split from her dad for 9 years and have since remarried. Ex met someone else and moved in with her, very happy for him. But now the new GF is pregnant and I feel like my daughter is slowly getting pushed out.

Whenever she comes home from her dad's she says he just goes on and on about the new baby all the time. He always wanted a boy when we were married and I'm worried that if this baby is a boy she will get pushed out even more. He tries to force her to 'talk to the baby' through his GF's stomach which she's uncomfortable with, and he gets pissed off with her if she won't do it. Last year he promised her driving lessons for her 17th birthday but now he's backtracked and said he'll pay £200 towards them 'and your mum will have to find the rest.' (I'm buying her a new iPhone already for her birthday). I realise not all kids get these things for their birthdays and she's very lucky, but I don't like him backtracking like this. The other thing is, he sleeps in her bedroom at his GF's house when she's not there (the GF can't sleep with him as he snores) and leaves it in a tip/doesn't change the sheets etc, so she feels like she doesn't even have her own room to go to.

I realise I can do very little about any of this and I feel so helpless, watching her come back from his house every week and saying she doesn't want to see him any more. What can I do, other than support her?

I think you're daughter is having a little emotional tantrum as she's trying to figure out how she's going to fit in to this new family dynamic after it being a certain way for SUCH a long time. Her apprehension etc is normal but it's your job as her mum to teach her resilience and to help her see the positives in this situation. She's going to get a sibling! How wonderful! This little one is going to absolutely adore her. She will love this baby even if she can't imagine it now.
Her dad is trying, he's buying a new house to ensure she is still welcome and accommodated as well as the new baby for goodness sake! That ain't gonna be cheap and he's doing that for your daughter! He could just as easily say "ya know, you're so grown up now you don't need to come and stay anymore and we need the room for the baby so........"
You seem obsessed with him going back on his promise re driving lessons. But life changes and his is in a massive way and he's trying his best to do right by your daughter, his partner and his new baby.
Try to see the good and the positive in all this and get off the bitter train.
I'm a daughter of a broken marriage and a bitter mother and I'm so sick of having to deal with her bitterness honestly. Don't be that for your daughter.

I think the way forward is they meet up for lunch/dinner, cinema, bowling etc.
The driving lessons thing could happen to anyone in that they maybe promised it when it could be afforded and then circumstances change. However it is unfair of him to shift it onto you.
The talking to the stomach thing is just strange, I would never push my older children to talk to the baby through my stomach.

I appreciate the responses and it's giving me a bit of perspective. Regards the buying a new house for my daughter, actually she's sleeping in a converted dining room in the basement of the house so this room would not work for the baby. But that's by the by, just wanted to set that context.

I may appear fixated on the driving lessons but it's just one thing in a long line of things which makes me think she's slipping down his priorities.

Op of course she is "slipping down his priorities"..she is growing up and there will be a newborn! She should be asking her father how can she help, not throw a strop!
It sounds like he is trying to include her in the pregnancy-talking to the baby and also reassure her-always will be his first born..all the while paying for the private schooling..

The reality is once the baby arrives there will be A LOT less time and your dd should be prepared for that..babies are very hard work-i'm sure she was too!

She is 17 not 7...1.5 years till uni? It's time to start growing up a little.

You mention stepping down in his priority’s yet she’s nearly an adult now! She’s acting like a child, getting jealous of a unborn baby.

Of course her dad is going to be excited about a new arrival! Who isn’t when having a baby!

He’s still giving her £200 for lessons and pays all her private school fees. He’s hardly not contributing fairly to her upbringing. Financial situations change and If they need to get a bigger house it’s hardly a surprise.

Not changing the sheets is grim. Couldn’t she just send him a text before she goes over with a ‘don’t forget to change the sheets please’ reminder.

I agree with the PPs that say YOU need to change your attitude. Your ex doesn't sound too bad actually, and it seems that your dd is taking a lot of her lead from you. You sound very overinvested in all of this.

If you were more positive and upbeat (and yes, less bitter) then she would be too. She's 17, not a baby, and all of his activity around having a new baby/moving house etc, doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

As regards maintenance, that's not her issue, it's yours.

Why would he pay CMS if it's basically 4/3 residency? And he pays all the school fees without complaint (that you've yet to declare?). As pp please don't bring your own issues into this which could end up in lifelong negative repercussions for your DD.

Just to clarify, it hasn't been 4/3 residency for months. She goes there once a week.

Wasn’t the last thread about the DD having to “share” the room with the baby. And no matter how many people pointed out that this was not going to happen because

• the baby would be in with her parents
• they were planning to move to another house
• the DD is ole enough to come home if she wants.

The OP was determined to believe this was true and use this as a cause of major concern. All the concerns are stuff and nonsense. Any parent would see them as the grumbling of a teen faced with life changes.

My sense then as now is that the OP is jealous and scared of the impact that the baby will have on her daughter. This will be her new half sister and it will bring her closer to that part of her family.

The new baby is a life changing event for the daughter. Having a sister for the first time will give her a new perspective. That’s a good thing.

Oh, it's a girl is it? And you know that how?

@chocolatesaltyballs22 You've lost track of the story here.... you said "They don't have a spare bedroom, she already has two kids. They need to move house before the baby arrives apparently. But if they don't do this in time then she'll have nowhere to sleep at all."

And now she sleeps on a converted dining room which wouldn't be suitable for the baby? I don't care if this is a long standing poster - something isn't right here. We've had plenty of long standing hairy hands before or this is a deranged new partner.

The lack of maintenance keeps being brought up but everyone and anyone knows that will have been hammered out in the divorce or she'd just bloody go to CMS. It's not that hard! This whole thing stinks to high heaven.

Ok, or a brother.

I feel like I'm being accused of lying in some way? I'm not. The room my daughter sleeps in was converted from a basement dining room (3 storey house). Her dad sleeps there when the room is free (and leaves it in a mess). Because it's two floors down from where that sleep, they couldn't put a baby in there. Room was converted when he moved in with the GF. There was originally talk of the baby sharing with my daughter if they didn't move house in time but that clearly wasn't thought through.

Not sure which bit I'm lying about?

Also, re maintenance. It was agreed in the divorce. But he reduced it over the years until it was nothing, citing school fees as the reason. Yes, he's generous to pay for school fees. But it was him who was so keen on her going to a private school.

I think it will settle down once the baby is born but your ex is being silly and making things awkward for your daughter whom I am sure he loves. If you are on good terms with him you could say something tactfully or even your daughter if she can speak plainly to her dad.

He doesn't realise how insensitive he is being.

Thank goodness your daughter has a good mum. However I think things will even out.

In your last post you claimed repeatedly that the baby was going to sleep in the same room as your daughter. This is now described as a converted “basement room”. Now I can’t see anything wrong with that but you are implying it is somehow substandard.
In this post you are saying that this is a room used by the father. This would all lead to the conclusion that the baby will be given a basement room shared with his or her snoring father and teen sister. Which any sensible person could see is a load of all nonsense.

Either you are being deliberately disingenuous or you are not able to assimilate and rationalise information.

There’s nothing wrong with £200 for driving lessons. That’s about 7-10 lessons. There’s nothing wrong with trying to get a teen involved with the impending birth of her sibling. There’s nothing wrong with him having different views about parenting than you. There’s no issues Of substance in this post.

It should be titled “ex wife nose out of joint for new baby”.

She's at sixth form. A lot of formal contact arrangements dissolve about now. Frankly I wouldn't want to sleep in a house with a newborn at that age if I didn't have to.

Previous suggestions of her meeting up with him and socialising (meal, cinema) are good. But really, even when your parents are still together at 16, the "parenting" needed is different to that of a small kid She shouldn't need the same things from him as she did when she was younger - or from her mum for that matter. I was never at home at that age.

Some good advice from some of you, thank you. I agree re formal contact stopping at this age but her dad doesn't get that unfortunately. He pressures her into going but then doesn't keep her room nice for when she's there and she feels he is going on about the baby the whole time. I maybe haven't expressed myself very well in previous posts but she comes home unhappy every time. She has said the only reason she goes is for her step-sister (they are the same age and great friends). Anyway I'm sure it'll all work out for the best.

Could she invite her step sister you yours?

I’d get her to take a sleeping bag, strip the bed of his skanky sheets and put them on the floor and sleep in her own sleeping bag.

Or not go... he’s actually no use to anyone is he?

Get this money stuff sorted! Either solicitor or CSA, but you have an agreement, he needs to honour it.

Yeah I've told her she can have her stepsister here to stay whenever she wants.

Money stuff isn't worth sorting now, she'll be going to Uni next year. I don't need the maintenance, it's just the assumption that I will cover everything (even stuff he's promised to pay for) that pisses me off.

I can understand why you’re pissed off. At the end of the day he’s promised something to your DD and then backtracked on it. There is more expenditure than driving lessons involved though. The provisional license needs to be obtained and DD may want to do the driving theory test first. If DD is set on going to university next year it might be better to leave the learning to drive until she’s finished. That’s what my Neice did and that is also the plan for my DD who’s the same age as your DD. They will get cheap bus fares being a student and it won’t cost as much as running a car.
As for your DD staying at her dads house, can she go for dinner a couple of times a week after school and leave in the evening?

Yeah I do agree that she doesn't need to learn at 17, and regarding the other costs involved.

She can't do dinner a couple of times a week and leave afterwards without him taxi-ing her around which he won't do - he lives an hour away from her school and an hour away from my house so if he picks her up he wants her to stay the night.

The only thing that really stands out here for me is the skanky sheets.

Does she have the opportunity to change them? tbh my DCs have taken care of making their own beds up since they were about 12 and i handed it over to them.

Everything else - as PP said it's difficult for both learning to navigate their new relationship. The only thing you can do is offer a shoulder when she's upset at it, not badmouth your ex, and generally be supportive.

This could be a very useful life lesson if you can navigate it with her in a kind way. She needs to learn that her wants and needs are just as important as someone elses'. Now she's an adult, she can decide for herself what she wants to do, recognising the impact that it has on other people, and decide her own actions.

Her Dad decides what he wants to do and doesn't consider the impact on other people. She has just as much right to do that too if she wants to, but perhaps she might like to be a nicer person than he is. It's important though to understand that being nice doesn't mean being a push-over.

How much time does she want to spend with him ideally? Does she want to sleep over anymore, or not? If she can decide that for herself, you can help her stand-up for herself in a polite, non-confrontational, but resolute manner. It'll serve her well in the future.

Thanks @lannieduck, that's what I'm trying to do with her. Like I said, she only really goes to see her stepsister. It's not an option for her not to stay over as he won't collect her unless she's going to stay. Everything has to be done at his convenience. She tried to skip a visit this week but he's persuaded her to go - as I said before, he guilts her into it. I've told her she doesn't have to go but she does it to keep the peace with him. She is slowly standing up to him more. The reduction in visits from 3 a week came off the back of a big meltdown a few months ago where she broke down and said she's sick of the way he treats her, and I helped her to speak to him about reducing contact as that's what she wanted. I'm not in any way trying to stop her from seeing him, it has to be about what she wants. It's difficult as he's manipulative and controlling, and he doesn't treat her like the young adult that she is.