Ex pushing daughter out for new baby

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My daughter is 16 and grew up as an only child (until her step-siblings came along). I've been split from her dad for 9 years and have since remarried. Ex met someone else and moved in with her, very happy for him. But now the new GF is pregnant and I feel like my daughter is slowly getting pushed out.

Whenever she comes home from her dad's she says he just goes on and on about the new baby all the time. He always wanted a boy when we were married and I'm worried that if this baby is a boy she will get pushed out even more. He tries to force her to 'talk to the baby' through his GF's stomach which she's uncomfortable with, and he gets pissed off with her if she won't do it. Last year he promised her driving lessons for her 17th birthday but now he's backtracked and said he'll pay £200 towards them 'and your mum will have to find the rest.' (I'm buying her a new iPhone already for her birthday). I realise not all kids get these things for their birthdays and she's very lucky, but I don't like him backtracking like this. The other thing is, he sleeps in her bedroom at his GF's house when she's not there (the GF can't sleep with him as he snores) and leaves it in a tip/doesn't change the sheets etc, so she feels like she doesn't even have her own room to go to.

I realise I can do very little about any of this and I feel so helpless, watching her come back from his house every week and saying she doesn't want to see him any more. What can I do, other than support her?

Resurrecting this as I really don't know what to do. Daughter got a huge long text from her dad after shed finished work last night, basically guilting and coercing her to spend more time at his. He is completely refusing to take no for an answer and understand that she is 16 and can do what she wants with her free time. He is suggesting that she leaves her part time job (which she loves) so that she can get a job near his house and spend more time with him. Telling her that she is putting her work before seeing her family. She sent him a very mature and measured response but he continued to text her late into the night and she hasn't slept properly for worrying about it. I told her to block him but she doesn't want to be rude to her dad. He is trying to control her in the same way as he controlled me throughout our marriage. I have suggested to her that she should have some counselling to help her to deal with him but she refuses. I just don't know what to do - her won't leave her alone until he gets his way.

So he wants her to jack in her job so she's available as his unpaid childcarer?

I would ask her to do the Freedom Programme together (if you go too, then you can discuss with her).

Can she suggest meeting up half way? Then it will become clear that he expects her to take on all the inconvenience of spending time with him, and not put himself out.

Could she get a train back from where he lives?

To get herself home from where he lives would be a train plus a bus journey of over an hour. Not easy. And anyway, the point is I'm trying to support her in standing up to him and seeing less of him.

I get that, but it was a compromise suggestion to allow your daughter to back away from the aspects she most dislikes, ie the overnight stays.

All you can do is support her . She has already responded to his requests and reduced her contact. You may need to help her construct a text to him closing down the discussion and making clear she won't be doing what he asks. She is 16 and you can keep reminding her that it is always her choice and decision now she is a young adult

Just remind her that she has the right to decide.

She can say

No, that doesn't work for me

I love my job I won't be quitting.

No, I prefer being at Mum's house.

No, I am fed up of explaining it to you so don't want to discuss it anymore.

No, once per month is plenty I'm not 6 anymore.

Thanks @butterflymuffin but it's really not an option. Have suggested she has him come over and take her out for dinner but no doubt that would be too much bother for him.

As a 17 year old probably looking at going into higher education her dad is also slipping down her priorities. I hear no acknowledgment about that
Despite a new partner, step kids , an impending baby your ex is still trying month after to maintain a relationship with his daughter and involve her in this new family dynamics
Sadly everything thing you say is incredibly negative. Nothing he can or could ever do would be enough I think your attitude is poisoning your daughters perception of her dad
Instead of looking easy for solutions ie taking her own sleeping bag , or bed linen you seem intent on looking for the worst scenario
I think spending £200 for a 17 year olds birthday is plenty I don’t understand why you think it isnt

You could also teach her

"Sorry you feel that way Dad but I'm 16 now and like all my friends I do/don't want to do x"

Enough Luckystar20 You're being obnoxious but I think you know that and how the fuck can you call this teenage girl spoilt? You sound bitter

@pumpkinpie1 it is my exes behaviour which is poisoning her attitude, not mine. You clearly didn't read my update. He is emotionally abusing her. That's not ok.

Op- I think your dd needs to be honest with her dad.
He sounds unhinged to me.
All this forcing young adults to welcome a half related baby as if it's the new messiah is bollocks.
She needs to tell him due colleague work/work etc she won't be visiting as much and when she does she would like to do xyz (insert said activity) with her dad.
I have no doubt that he will sulk like a big baby and insist that they can't possibly do that because his girlfriend can't do it.
Unfortunately I think she will have to scale back her visiting and I don't think her dad will change or make changes to accommodate her.

A very good point was made up thread about teaching your dd not to be subservient to men's needs.