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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His Ex is his best friend

126 replies

DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 22:21

How would you feel if your partner's best friend was his ex girlfriend who he was in a relationship with for 9 years around 20 years ago? Just to give a bit more info: They speak on the phone every day (not about anything important, just chatter and gossip) they think nothing of meeting up and going for drinks together, and they have been known to reminisce about their relationship whilst I have been present. Feel free to ask more questions about this situation, I'll answer as honestly as I can.

OP posts:
Whathewhatnow · 04/02/2020 22:24

Hmmm. Not great although the fact they reminisce in front of you could be a positive sign.

That was a long relationship between them...

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 22:27

They talk about places they went on holiday etc... He has shown me the house where they lived together.. I'd rather not know about these things and I wouldn't do the same if the boot was on the other foot. In fact I wouldn't rub an ex in my partner's face at all tbh, I suppose that's why it gets to me. I think it's inappropriate.

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BumbleBeee69 · 04/02/2020 22:57

it's still an EX... they are very comfortable and 'over' each other enough to laugh about their shared history ...and that's okay.. but you're not comfortable and that's not good... I'd leave them to reminisce together and find someone who wanted to make memories with ME. Grin

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 23:03

I'm usually ok with it. I only see him on the weekend as it's a long distance relationship. The ex, on the other hand, lives only a 2 minute walk from his house. But this weekend, they ended up going back to another couple's house together to carry on drinking after the pub closed. So just them and one other couple. I think that's a bit off... what do you think? Should I be more trusting? Am I overreacting?

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MrsJasonIsbell · 04/02/2020 23:05

To me that sounds quite healthy. I'm still pals with both my children's dads but I think we'd be friends even if we didn't have kids. It's a red flag for me if potential love interests try to stop me being friends with them! I don't mind frank, reassuring conversations about why we keep close. My eldest is an adult so I have no reason to go for an occasional drink with her dad but I do because he's part of my life. My last partner wanted me to stop! He's now my ex.

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 23:15

I have never caused an issue between them. They don't have any children together and I would never make any ultimatums. I just wonder if I should walk away because it does make me feel uncomfortable. I'm nearly 50 years old and have never had a situation like this before. When I have broken up with partners in the past I have no longer had a desire to see them.. I guess that's just me. I don't think they need to be constantly in touch, daily, especially seeing as there aren't any children involved. I'm also feeling it because I'm unwell at the moment and all he did today was call me at lunchtime for 5 minutes, since then he hasn't even text to see if I'm ok. Last time the ex was poorly he went and did some shopping for her... I'm pretty sure I shouldn't feel like I'm second best in my relationship? Tell me honestly what you think? I know I'm probably sounding like a petulant child but It hurts :-(

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SandyY2K · 04/02/2020 23:17

I wouldn't be in this relationship, with his Ex as a best friend. It's not for me at all.

I've never felt the need to put up with this kind of thing when they're lots of choices in a partner.

RUSU92 · 04/02/2020 23:22

I just wonder if I should walk away because it does make me feel uncomfortable

Yes, you should. This is who he is, he doesn't see anything wrong with this friendship and its making you feel shit.

I'm also feeling it because I'm unwell at the moment and all he did today was call me at lunchtime for 5 minutes, since then he hasn't even text to see if I'm ok. Last time the ex was poorly he went and did some shopping for her... I'm pretty sure I shouldn't feel like I'm second best in my relationship?

That's crap - I guess as he lives round the corner from her its easier to be hands-on helpful, but if you're in a relationship he should put himself out to help you too.

Honestly, I couldn't live with this, and put up with right weird shit from my DP and his ex!! Bin him off and let them reminisce and go for couple-y drinks with their mates together. Flowers

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 23:22

Thank you Sandy. I am starting to think along the lines of ending the relationship. I don't want to get into arguing with him about it, as I don't want to come across as jealous and insecure (I'm not either of those things). I just think the relationship between them is inappropriate and I think he should realise that and distance himself a little, not be going and getting drunk with her when I'm over 100 miles away.. I don't mind them meeting up for a chat or suchlike, but full on going out and getting smashed together and then going back to someone's house.. I think that's pushing my boundaries a little too much.

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RUSU92 · 04/02/2020 23:23

that should say "I couldn't live with this, and I put up with some right weird shit from my DP and his ex"

Itslookinglikeabeautifulday · 04/02/2020 23:25

I wouldn’t like this at all, however much I trusted my partner. Just seems a bit like a triangle to me and I’d feel a little excluded. If you were best buddies with your ex-long-term boyfriend, how would your partner feel?

RUSU92 · 04/02/2020 23:26

You don't need to get into the whys and hows, just tell him its not working for you, maybe citing the distance, as that must also be a factor. Otherwise he'll try to make you feel that you're being unreasonable when you're not.

A PP says she has a relationship like this with her ex and dumped a guy over it. That's fine, it works for her, but not for the ex and that's 100% his choice. Just as it is yours.

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 23:27

Thank you RUSU92 I agree that it was easier for him to be hands on helpful to her when she was sick as she lives close by. But he didn't go in work on Monday, I am a 1hr and 20 min drive away, I think if he really cared about me he could've come and ran some errands for me. He knows I'm here alone and I've not been able to get out. I feel that I'm only just dealing with this now, what would it be like if I ever went to live with him and this was shoved in my face every day?

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Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 23:32

RUSU92 Yes, that PP obviously valued her friendship with her ex more than she did the relationship with the partner that she dumped. I don't want to feel like second best, I feel that in my relationship (especially at my age) I have the right to feel like I come first (unless there are children involved, which there aren't). Today has been tough because after 12 noon he didn't even contact to see how I am feeling, and he knows I've been really poorly for two days (and it's very rare I'm poorly, I virtually never take sick days from work). I just think he makes more effort for his ex than he does for me.. not good is it?

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SandyY2K · 04/02/2020 23:36

I wouldn't even make an issue of it...I'd just end it with him and say the relationship isn't working for you...then say goodbye and wish him all the best. Ending done.

No mess...no fuss..no drama. I doubt any woman would be thrilled with that situation.

BohoBunney · 04/02/2020 23:39

I don’t think their relationship is inappropriate or anything is being “rubbed in your face” he’s just going about his friendships as normal. But you’ve got different boundaries so ultimately this isn’t going to work. You either say nothing while growing resentful which will eventually come to a head, or he will feel resentful of you try to quash this friendship.

If you feel like he isn’t stepping up to the mark in terms of affection or interest in you then you know what you need to do.

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 23:47

Well, ok, I know I'm going to open a massive can of worms here, but shall we add to my distress that we haven't had sex for six months... This guy professes to love me and says all the right things, makes plans for the future etc, but I just don't think his actions are mirroring his words. I know you're all going to tell me I'm stupid for staying with him so I'll just shut up and wait for your comments.

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RUSU92 · 04/02/2020 23:50

Not stupid no, but if you're not having sex and he's closer friends with his ex than with you, what exactly does this relationship give you? Honestly, if it wasn't doomed before this drip feed, it is now! You deserve someone who makes you feel important and desired. Fuck him off ASAP.

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 23:57

RUSU92 I think I've just clung on because when I first met him I needed an escape, I was going through a very bad time with one of my Sons and it was good to have somewhere to escape to for a couple of days each week. Now my home situation has remedied itself it's like I'm seeing everything else clearer than before.. When I confronted him about the sex he said it's because he's tired and he's been drinking too much alcohol.. he said 'don't worry, it'll come back..' I think you're right, I need to end this don't I?

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litterbird · 05/02/2020 00:02

Errrrmmmmmm, yes, you actually don’t have a relationship really. Just step away and find someone better matched OP.

nex18 · 05/02/2020 00:05

I’m really good friends with my ex of a similar time scale. And his wife. And my kids are friends with his. He’s kind of my best friend from my school days, we have loads of growing up type memories together. Any romantic feelings were gone long before we actually split up and that was 22 years ago.

CandyCaneLeBonBon · 05/02/2020 00:17

Yep. It's not for you op. Bin him off

NotAPan · 05/02/2020 00:24

I think he's still emotionally in a relationship with her. They might not be sexually attracted to each other any more and want different things, but they seem like life companions. It's hard to see how a relationship would thrive under those conditions unless they naturally backed off each other a bit.

I've never stayed in touch with an ex, but I do admire people who do become good friends afterwards. I'm very early days seeing a wonderful man and he's separated- they ended on mutual platonic terms and are keeping in weekly text contact while they wait for the two year separation to go through. He says once it's all through they've agreed to clearly sever all contact and ties - and even though on paper I shouldn't feel this way, I think it's a shame, I'd be happy for them to stay in touch. I am still a little on the fence about your situation, but I'd be at least a bit pissed off that he's prioritising time drinking with her over sex when he rarely gets to see you.

Booker82 · 05/02/2020 00:26

I can see why it might unsettle you. However, sometimes it genuinely is just that they're great friends.
I'm still great friends with my ex wife (well, technically we're still married, but not for long). We just weren't in romantic love anymore, but get on really well in terms of friendship. Plus, reminiscing is going to happen because they were together so long. I was with my wife for nearly 18 years. That's half my life pretty much - of course it'll come up.

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 05/02/2020 00:40

Thank you everyone. I'm off to bed now but look forward to seeing if anyone else has commented by morning. I think the best thing I've gathered from this thread so far is that it's down to the individual person's boundaries. I personally would never want to stay close friends with an ex. I'm civil to the Father's of both of my Sons, but I would not want to be phoning them and exchanging niceties on a daily basis.. but that's just me and my opinion. I guess that because I wouldn't behave in that way, I expect the same of my partner. As a couple of you have said, he obviously doesn't see a problem, and as I don't want to be the creator of a problem, I guess it's time for me to exit this relationship and find someone who doesn't feel the need to live in the past....

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