His Ex is his best friend

[DollyDaydream70]

How would you feel if your partner's best friend was his ex girlfriend who he was in a relationship with for 9 years around 20 years ago? Just to give a bit more info: They speak on the phone every day (not about anything important, just chatter and gossip) they think nothing of meeting up and going for drinks together, and they have been known to reminisce about their relationship whilst I have been present. Feel free to ask more questions about this situation, I'll answer as honestly as I can.

Aye, this is what I was thinking of when I said that there seemed to be other problems, not just his ex. And I think there were some other things you mentioned (boring dates?). Basically, he doesn’t seem to be making much effort, and an LDR one requires some. I think it’s irrelevant whether his friendship with his ex is the reason for this or not. If he’s not willing to make the effort to make you feel like he cares about you and attracted to you...then what’s the point?

Hi DDD70. I’m not a jealous person but I would be really miffed with this behaviour.

It’s disrespectful. Being on good terms with an ex is fine but returning back to their home, drinking reminiscing is not on .. IMO.

I also think you need to end it. He doesn’t sound emotionally available for you while he’s still so tied up with his past.

OP a genuine question because I find your position genuinely interesting. Why would it be gour idea of hell to have four exes at a wedding?

I had a bf who worked with his ex of over ten years ago, who also later cared for him after a bad accident, many years prior to me meeting him.

They apparently became like brother and sister. On the phone or texting of an evening. Watching over each other’s houses when the other was on holiday. Had keys to each other’s house and went in and out when the other wasn’t there to borrow things or fix a dodgy shelf she’s been on about etc. Used each other’s car if theirs was off getting work done on it etc. Shouted at each other and huffed. Like brother and sister.

Except they weren’t and it made me feel awkward. He wanted sex with me. I felt he did fancy me.
But deep down though I always wondered why they didn’t just marry each other and be done with it. They were both constantly in each other’s pockets.

I know you are in a slightly different situation OP. I’m actually wondering is your bloke is gay? That would explain it all? He likes the company of women but doesn’t fancy them?

Or perhaps he realised his mistake when he went for the other woman many years ago, regretted it, but his friend/ex wouldn’t take him back and he’s still trying to get her to come back to him while she’s using her man as a pawn and he’s doing the same with youth make her somehow jealous? The lack of sex isn’t good news though.

No sex, he's not there emotionally for you, doesn't support you, makes time every day for his ex, drinks too much...

Why are you still with him exactly?

Take control, text him and end it. Tell him why

@Enoughisenoughhhhh I just wouldn't want ghosts of my past at my wedding.. as I've stated very clearly here, I don't stay that close to ex's, I have upmost respect for their new partners and distance myself accordingly. That said, there's only one ex that I absolutely hate and I have very good reason for that. The rest I would pass the time of day with if I bumped into them in the street, but I wouldn't go out of my way to spend 'quality' time with any of them.. life moves on, that's just my way :-)

They sound like a couple. It's not right, even if the 'cool' girlfriends/wives think it is.

They might even be shagging, who knows? Just dump, there's men out there without baggage.

@Elieza Well your response made me sit up and take notice! This is virtually an identical situation. These two were together for around 10 years 20 years or so ago, broke up, then he got deathly sick and she came back from travelling to help look after him... I've never really understood why, I personally would not be coming back from travelling the world to tend to a man who dumped me for another woman.. but that's just me, maybe she's a better woman than me..
Anyway, also very similar to your situation they look after each other's houses, he does odd jobs for her (fix shelves, bits of decorating etc) even though she has a partner. He'll go and pick her up from the airport at the crack of dawn, something I wouldn't ask anyone to do, I would just get a taxi.

I don't think he has any gay tendencies, although he is very homophobic (which I hate) maybe he protests too much lol

More likely is your final comment, that he regretted dumping her for the other woman (who apparently then dumped him after a few weeks). And as you say, she perhaps has had her revenge by making him suffer watching her build a life with someone else.

I did once ask him if he saw himself getting back with her in the distant future, and of course he said no, he isn't attracted to her physically anymore. But what else is he going to say to me?

@Cyberve I like your cool wives/girlfriends comment, there's a lot of that about isn't there? I personally don't think it's cool to let your SO take the piss out of you right in front of your face, and that's how this feels. I think there's too much advice online and on fb forums etc, telling us that we're being strong independent, open minded women when we encourage this behaviour. I vehemently disagree. A strong woman is one who knows her boundaries and sticks to them regardless of what the current 'trend' happens to be!

OP, what does your gut tell you?

@RLEOM unfortunately, after a relationship a few years back with a sociopathic nutcase, I don't have much faith in my gut instinct. I think that's why I massively overthink and I'm also very protective of my heart and emotions. I can never allow myself to be hurt like that again, it very nearly did me in!

Theres nothing 'cool wife' about being secure enough in your relationship to see the value in old friends even when there was a sexual element once upon a time.

I feel you have conflated two issues in this thread and many pp responding to you are doing likewise. Would I accept the shoddy treatment your boyfriend offers you? The lack of quality time together, no sign of a proper commitment after 2 years, a predilection for getting wasted at the homes of other women in my absence, lack of care or sympathy when you're ill, no desire for sex or affection. No, I certainly wouldn't. There is certainly nothing cool about any of that either. Am I ok with a friendship with proper boundaries enforced on both sides? Have I been able to become friends with that person myself? Am I comfortable with the reality that my dh had sex with other women in the decades before he met me? Can I see the value in an old friendship that predates me by some years? Yes.

I take issue with your insinuation that women whose partners have ongoing friendships with exes should feel disrespected or that those men are inherently disrespectful. You come across as very superior sounding when you talk about letting your ex and his new dp 'move on with their lives' which is actually to be pitied. It might have been better in some ways for both of them and not to mention your son if you had found a way to remain part of each others lives rather than distancing yourself.

Speak for yourself if you feel your partner is 'taking the piss out of you right in front of your face' but please don't make that assumption for everyone.

@Enoughisenoughhhhh Let's just agree to disagree. These are my opinions and those are yours. There's really no need to start insulting me and slating my character when you don't actually know me. I will respectfully decline to reply to any further comments you post on this thread as you clearly don't like someone having a different opinion to your own. Thank you for taking the time to add input to my thread.

I'm sorry you feel offended, I'm not sure what part of what I said is an attack on upir character.

You should read back over the comments I have made. You asked for experiences and I shared one which is different to yours. I didnt say you were wrong to feel as you feel! In fact, I validated your feelings several times. I suggested some possible flaws in your thinking. I asked you not to assume that my experience is the same as yours. I tried to explain how my attitude towards a similar (but not the same) situation is different than yours. It seems it is in fact you who does not like it when someone has a different opinion to yours? So perhaps I should make a passive aggressive statement about not responding further to you?

Good luck with your relationship and future relationships op. I hope you can find a way to resolve your issues.

I'd be very careful of any man that wants to put so much effort into a woman he once dated. Yes I've done the it's cool thing only to find out it was more than friends. Everyone has their own limits on what is acceptable and what is not. There are so many women on here who are willing to put up with anything and be walked all over then they have the cheek to condemn others for having boundaries.

It's a bit concerning that instead of accepting different people have different boundaries, you're clinging to the posts that say the friendship is inappropriate and the usual"cool wives" crap that almost always means 'people have different lines to me but I want to dismiss them so will judge them personally'.

Add into this that you've decided the ex probably has feelings for your DP and you're judging her partner and father of her children as a wet lettuce who mustn't care that much because he's happy she has a distraction, the whole situation doesn't sound happy or healthy for you.

Sometimes long term relationships can end up more platonic than romantic. Just because romantic or sexual feelings have died doesn't mean the friend element does.
Some people wish to remain friends. Some don't. Neither is right or wrong.

To be honest, you're in a long distance relationship, unhappy with the lack of sex and don't feel there's enough affection. The issues in your relationship are between you and DP, his friendship is neither here nor there really.

@Enoughisenoughhhhh

I don't think you really understand what this 'best friend' is doing. Come in, she is in love with the guy. Why else would she move from across the other side of the world to care for an ex who split up with her because someone new came along? Either she is in love with him or the biggest mug in the world. It's not like there was no one else to take care of him, he could have got carers. It isn't just out of niceness.

She is bitchy to the ops face as well, in that pretend friendliness way. You can always tell when someone doesn't like you, op knows that she doesn't.

And even if you are friends with someone, do you need to call them every day, especially when you live 2 mins away? It's a bit of a clingy contact.

Being friends is one thing. This is constant every day contact, and a bit weirdly obsessive. And being in love with him doesn't help.

So:

• you don’t have sex
• he doesn’t show you any affection
• he is unsupportive when you are ill
• he is homophobic
• he lives over an hour away

Bin. Bin now.

The BF exGF is a red herring.

P.S. To the poster who said she had FOUR ex's at her wedding.. that sounds like my idea of HELL!!!

Thing is, until you get into a conversation like this, you don't think of them as exes. They're just friends, good friends. In fact some are best friends with me and each other. IME exes are 'safer' than new or unknown male friends - I've tried a romantic relationship with these men, and it didn't work. I know there is no potential there, that we don't suit romantically/sexually whatever. And there's no way I'm going back.

It was lovely to have so many people who were important in my life there at our wedding.

But I agree with PPs that you're conflating the friend issue and the 'this relationship isn't working for me' issue. Strip away the friend thing and you've got plenty of reasons to break this relationship off anyway.

Strip away the friend thing and you've got plenty of reasons to break this relationship off anyway.
I agree. There's not much working in this relationship and the friendship is getting more focus than it needs.

I'm a bit 'late to the party', but it feels a little like you're fixating on his friendship with her when actually your relationship with him isn't really working for many reasons, not just that one.
You did say that partly he was an 'escape' from a bad situation you were in. I think it's just run it's course.
Hope you are feeling better now and dumped this no-sex, homophobic, commitment-phobe, uncaring guy.

I agree with enough is enough. I think she makes some valid points. And tbh the 'cool wives' comment wasnt exactly pleasant on your part. Neither was the dig about the cool ones that have low standards and let our blokes take the piss etc. Tad catty in my opinion.
I wouldn't have an issue with my partner having a relationship with his ex. I myself would class my ex husband as a friend.
However.....I do think you deserve better than the other shitty ways in which he is showing you that you're not that important to him. Friendship with no boundaries (irrespective who with), no sex. Not putting himself out for you and clearly an alcohol problem does not a good life partner make. If I was you I would end it on that basis. I hope you manage to do what feels right for you and makes you happy. Oh and get better soon.

I don't think it matters what other's think of it - it matters what you think of it and sounds like you don't think its OK. It would be unfair to change him and take someone who supports him out of his life - you might want to think about leaving him sorry.