His Ex is his best friend

[DollyDaydream70]

How would you feel if your partner's best friend was his ex girlfriend who he was in a relationship with for 9 years around 20 years ago? Just to give a bit more info: They speak on the phone every day (not about anything important, just chatter and gossip) they think nothing of meeting up and going for drinks together, and they have been known to reminisce about their relationship whilst I have been present. Feel free to ask more questions about this situation, I'll answer as honestly as I can.

Yes, OP, I agree that her remark to you about his “pulling” you had a bitchy, condescending edge.

It is clear that his primary emotional relationship is with her. Leave them to it, OP.

I wouldn't accept this either.

Does his ex have a partner of her own at the moment OP? I'm guessing not, or else he's very tolerant.

If you're only seeing this guy at the weekends then he shouldn't be using that time speaking to her on the phone, and it sounds like she also tags along on your outings sometimes? (you said they reminisce in your presence) If your time together is so short then he should be prioritising it for you, as he has time in the week to catch up with the ex.

Definitely time to bin him and find yourself someone who will put you first.

@HopeYouStepOnALego She does have a partner, and children with her partner too, which just makes it all the more weird to me. I see her partner as a big wet lettuce. Either that or he's no longer really that into her and he's happy that she has another distraction. I can't think of many men who'd be happy for their partner to be going back to someone's house to get smashed together. Especially when he's at home babysitting... I just think it's a really weird scene, I've even wondered if they could be into wife swapping or something..? One more thing I want to say is that these people all live in a small village where everyone seems to have dated everyone else. I live in a big city where once you're done with someone you are probably never going to stumble over them again unless you mean to!

Ahhhhhh. Small village, that completely changes things. Seriously. You can't avoid exes, so it makes sense to be friendly afterwards, and also there's not the dating culture you get in cities, so it's far more likely you will have a romantic relationship with someone who was initially just a friend. In a small village culture, if you like someone then you want to keep in contact, there are so few choices for friends or romantic partners. Even if, as I did, you move to a big city after, that tendency to stay good friends with exes remains. Why would you ditch someone you like, just because you no longer suit romantically?

Even before you mentioned that I considering saying that I had 4 (I think) ex boyfriends at my wedding, and I went to their weddings too. Was recently supposed to be on a long weekend away with another ex and his family. I'm friends with my ex's new wives/partners, and am still friends with their ex's too. We've all lived in various cities for the last 20 years but this habit has remained with us all.

My DH is no 'big wet lettuce', he likes my ex's, my ex's like each other. We all get on and socialise together, and on the rare occasions I feel like revisiting my misspent youth I'd think nothing of going back to the houses of those I'm closest to and getting drunk.

But if he's making you feel uncared for, then you need to speak to him, and if it's not resolvable then maybe this isn't the right relationship. Don't just dump him because he's friends with his ex.

@Pollaidh Thank you for your input. Maybe as a city girl I just don't get it. But having said that, like I've already said in this thread, I was friends with my oldest Son's Father from being 10 years old. We grew up together, he was my first love and Father of my first child. As much as I still cared for him and got along with him after we broke up, I would never have wanted his new partner to feel threatened in any way by my presence. I got on very well with his new partner, but for me it would've just been odd for us all to socialise together. She was his partner now, and it's up to them to make a life for themselves. If I saw them out and about we would chatter and have a laugh but I would never have made myself a big presence in his life after our romantic relationship ended, I don't think that would've been fair towards the new partner. Maybe it's a village/city thing? I don't know. But thanks again for responding :-)

You absolutely should feel like you come first. You are right to walk away if you dont feel that is the case.

However, I must take issue with your statement that an ongoing close friendship with an ex is inherently disrespectful to new partners on both sides though. Why should I be any more offended by a previous sexual partner who is now a friend than one who is not? I have previous sexual partners myself and I know that those experiences are in the past. It is odd to try and pretend, in your fifties, that you are your partners one and only. It should not be uncomfortable to acknowledge that everyone has a past.

Now, if you dont trust that the experiences / feelings of attraction ARE in the past, or you are made to feel uncomfortsble by their patterns of interaction (e.g over reminiscing) or there is any actual disrespect than that is different. But the continuing existence of at one time sexual relationship is not in itself disrespectful to anyone.

Maybe it is one of the above for you, or perhaps you are a generally insecure or jealous person (you state not) or perhaps you have a need to control things which should not be for you to control or perhaps you have other issues around sex and intimacy or perhaps this guy is just not a good guy and you feel like crap around him because he is a bit crap and treats you like crap? And your subconscious would rather blame it on her / them because that's easier than blaming it on him / you both. My guess is it is indeed him / you both / your judgement in beginning this relationship and allowing it to continue this far that is at fault. She / the fact he saw her naked a million years ago is a side issue at best.

Ps have just read the last post and I will add that I've been a city person forever so whilst I can see that this impacts things its not a deciding factor!

I'm friends with a few ex's but this sounds weird even to me! Who talks on the phone to anyone every day?! And the lack of sex, sorry but it'd be see ya later from me.

@MoonshineWashingLine I know. As I said earlier, I don't even talk to my own Mother every day, or my eldest Son?!! I think this is a very divided subject. Some people are obviously ok with it. I'm maybe a little old fashioned and was brought up by a Father (and subsequent Step Father) both of whom worshipped my Mother and would never have entertained a previous partner in such an intrusive way. Maybe I've searched my whole life for that kind of man and maybe they just don't exist any more. I have spoken to my Mum and my friends and Sister extensively about this subject, and all of them have said that they wouldn't put up with it and that it's not normal. Friendship.. ok.. daily phone calls and leaving the pub together to go get even more smashed at someone's house.. when the pair of you are both knocking 50..? I'm sorry, but for every comment here that's tried to make me feel like I'm just being jealous and insecure, I still don't find this behaviour acceptable. I can state until I'm blue in the face that I'm neither jealous nor insecure concerning this woman, or any other woman, there will still be those of you that want to believe that this is the problem. I can't help that, that's up to those that choose to believe that. I can categorically state that I'm more than happy to walk away from this situation and leave them to it. It's a shame though, for him anyway, cos I'm bloody great!! :-D

Everyone has different boundaries but I wouldn’t stand for this personally. It’s not as if they had a short lived fling, they were together for almost a decade!

They broke up (all those years ago) because my partner wanted to start seeing another woman, a woman he'd had a brief relationship with a few years prior to their relationship. So they broke up, he got with this other woman, seemingly that relationship lasted only a few weeks before she dumped him

^ this makes me think he's a commitment-phobe @DollyDaydream70. he's always looking for the next conquest, while supposedly in a relationship, then when he moves forward to the next person, he starts to reignite the relationship with the person he dumped.

Very dysfunctional.

And the comment about you feeling ill "how's the Coronavirus?" is him minimising and trivialising your needs.

I'm really sorry to say he doesn't have the capacity for the type of loving relationship you need and deserve and I'd sack I'm off just like I did. You'll feel like the weight of the world has been lifted, and your self-worth will come flooding back.

Don't give him the chance to reply, it's cut and run with someone like that, because their ego will force them to try and win you back, they don't enjoy the dumping, they want to dish it out but they can't take it.

Probably some sort of rejection in childhood, but really really not your problem!

@Urkiddingright I know, and then he left her for another woman, which leads me to wonder if she never really got over it and possibly still has romantic feelings for him? She really is intrusive, I haven't gone into it much here but she is forever calling on my time and asking what we're doing that day and inviting herself along etc. I just don't understand the logic in her thinking that that is ok? I see him 2 days per week tops (sometimes not even that if one of us is working) and she thinks it's ok to invite herself along to whatever we're doing. She has done this on many occasions, and it's not often he puts her off. Wtf???

@daisychain01 so funny that you mentioned a rejection in childhood, because he always refers to his younger Brother as 'The Golden Child', so you could be on to something there...

Maybe I've searched my whole life for that kind of man and maybe they just don't exist any more.

They do, sweetie, and you will attract a person with those qualities like a magnet, just by being you, but first you need to get shot of this waste of space, so you are emotionally free to enjoy life, and can be fulfilled either with, or without, a partner.

lol, he sounds pathetic. If he could get over himself and be a better person rather than treating people so shabbily you might at least gain some respect for him, but he really sounds beyond redemption. You shouldn't have to 'fix' his neuroses and complexes!

Bin him. He's clearly showing you where his priorities lie.

Yanbu. That's almost a decade together, a lifetime of memories and a life lived together. I would walk away.
On some level they probably have feelings for each other. They sound loved up in their own world to be reminiscing right in front of you and not even acknowledging how disrespectful it is to you.

OP, maybe I've missed it in your comments, but have you actually talked to him about the amount of contact he has with her and how it makes you feel? When I met my partner, his ex of 11 years lived in the next street and she would come round to his ALL the time and they'd talk constantly. I did find it threatening so I told him and he was really shocked, because it genuinely hadn't occurred to him that I'd see her presence as disrespectful and that she was muscling in our time. Both of them were more thoughtful after that, she pulled back and now, 14 years down the line, I'm really good friends with her in our own right.

I wouldn't put up with this either.
Friends are supposed to come and go as you move on, and an ex should be an ex that you don't cosy up to.
It's not about trust, there's probably nothing going on, it's about respect for your partner.
My dh has lots of friends that are women, mainly through work and long term friendships.
If it ever crossed a line I'd let him know.
But with a long distance relationship when you hardly see each other imo it's wrong for him to be out with female friends.

If he is prioritising her over you, leave. I wouldn't mind if it was a call every couple of weeks or something (OK, I think I would but you know what I mean), but i couldn't cope with every day, it's too full on.

My ex had 2 female best friends, everyone told me not to worry. Turns out he was sleeping with one of them when we first got together and the second best friend he had an affair with just after I'd had our baby - they're now together. Never again am I doing that female best friend crap.

@RLEOM I agree that a call once every couple of weeks would be absolutely fine, or to meet up for a coffee once in a while.. but every day? And going getting smashed after hours together..? I really don't think I'm being unreasonable here.

I also have to add in my comments that over the years I've had a number of male friends and every single one of them, barring none, has tried to get in my pants! And that's the God's honest truth (none of them managed it, one came close lol, it's ok though, we were both single at the time). So that fact just adds to my mistrust of this situation. Not jealous, not insecure, and definitely no fool either!!

P.S. To the poster who said she had FOUR ex's at her wedding.. that sounds like my idea of HELL!!!

As you said earlier, it’s about personal boundaries. What do you feel comfortable with? For me personally, a partner being friends with an ex doesn’t bother me unless I feel that they don’t meet my needs. That doesn’t necessarily have to mean they deprioritise their ex - but if my needs are not being met then we have a problem. Basic care and affection when you are ill is an unmet need.

I maybe have a different take on the whole to this for a number of reasons, but I think the above is central to any feelings of security in a relationship. That said, it sounds like you’re unhappy with a number of other aspects of the relationship which don’t have a huge amount to do with his ex, so maybe it’s time to do a wider stock take...

Absolutely no way would this work for me. Why on earth is he still so friendly with his ex. Its so disrespectful. Tell him or get rid.

@CursedDiamond You probably missed it as the thread has become long (and I don't blame you for not reading all of it) but we haven't had sex for six months, he doesn't kiss or touch me citing "you know I'm not a lovey dovey, huggy type of person". And give the reason for lack of sex that he's 'tired, and has been drinking too much. What am I supposed to make of this? He professess to love me, says I'm beautiful etc etc, but the intimacy has vanished without a trace?