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Original poster

His Ex is his best friend

126 replies

DollyDaydream70 · 04/02/2020 22:21

How would you feel if your partner's best friend was his ex girlfriend who he was in a relationship with for 9 years around 20 years ago? Just to give a bit more info: They speak on the phone every day (not about anything important, just chatter and gossip) they think nothing of meeting up and going for drinks together, and they have been known to reminisce about their relationship whilst I have been present. Feel free to ask more questions about this situation, I'll answer as honestly as I can.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 05/02/2020 03:10

Last time the ex was poorly he went and did some shopping for her... I'm pretty sure I shouldn't feel like I'm second best in my relationship?

He doesn't sound like a keeper @DollyDaydream70. You'll get cool people on here saying it's fine and what a nice man he is for looking after his ex yada yada. A lot of people will do stunts like this for effect, to make a point to you that you're just not that special, they have other priorities. I had a brief spell with someone like that, very brief, I sacked him off and along came my now DH who showed me what happiness was, and didn't mess about with the game playing and mixed messages.

You're right to feel uneasy, go with your gut instinct, you can never go wrong. If you aren't feeling good about it and if the relationship doesn't make you feel warmth and joy, then get rid, honestly. You'll feel glad you did.

Shev1996 · 05/02/2020 03:19

He sounds like a better friend than he is a partner, to anyone including you. Is it possible that he sees you as just a friend now too, just not as close a one as his other ex is

MsDogLady · 05/02/2020 05:27

They seem very enmeshed. I would walk away from this relationship.

4amWitchingHour · 05/02/2020 06:03

You're right that it's personal preference/ boundaries - some people really want to stay friends with exes, some people really don't. I'm in the 'don't' camp, so I think I'd also find your situation hard, but bigger than this - even if she hadn't been his ex, he still shows more care to her than to you, and that's pretty crap - I think should at least be equal. Add in the lack of sex, and you know you need to end this relationship.

KatherineJaneway · 05/02/2020 06:12

This relationship is not giving you what you want amd and causing you distress so I'd end it. You have no intimacy, he doesn't make an effort when you are ill and he is actually still in a close relationship with his ex. Even if it isn't sexual, if he had to choose between her and you, it would be her from all you have said.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2020 07:53

There's still a very strong emotional attachment between them. Phoning on s daily basis is a lot.

Add the lack of sex and as you live 100 miles away from him, it all seems quite pointless to carry on.

It's all about how you feel.... those who wish to have dinner and have their kids playing with their Ex's kids clearly works fine for them.

Don't waste your time with him.

ScoobyCan · 05/02/2020 08:35

I wonder whether as it was a 9 year relationship they became less intimate relationship more sibling care and camaraderie hence why they split, and why they can be such close friends even now? It doesn't really matter if other people cannot envisage getting on with an ex - I can't even look at my exH, but by the time I realised it was over (years ago....) we just rubbed along in the house, no intimacy, a bit of banter, a lot of ambiguity (narc) but to all intents and purposes there was no love....

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 05/02/2020 09:29

@ScoobyCan They broke up (all those years ago) because my partner wanted to start seeing another woman, a woman he'd had a brief relationship with a few years prior to their relationship. So they broke up, he got with this other woman, seemingly that relationship lasted only a few weeks before she dumped him, siting that he drank too much. I don't know what happened next but I do know that the ex who he's now best friends with (who he broke up with for this other woman) then went off to live in Australia for a couple of years. Whilst she was there, my (now) partner became very ill with a life threatening illness. She returned from Australia and was apparently a constant in his life during the illness. I wonder if it's because of this that he feels indebted to her and does so much for her, and I do understand that. I just feel that she should step back now that she sees he is in a long term relationship. Surely she knows that it's not appropriate to ring him on my time when she knows I don't see much of him? Surely any woman knows that you just don't do that? It makes me wonder if she ever really got over him?

OP posts:
ScoobyCan · 05/02/2020 09:33

Gosh @DollyDaydream70 - sounds like running for the hills may well be a good option....

SummerWhisper · 05/02/2020 09:44

Text him with a breezy "how lovely of (father of son) to come over and cook for me and do a few things around the house. Wasn't expecting that. Bought me my fave bubble bath too. Just going for a long soak while he mows the lawn naked (he's drying all his clothes, as he accidentally fell into the bathtub. Haven't laughed so much in ages 😂"

mcmooberry · 05/02/2020 09:46

I very much doubt they are more than friends and it wouldn't actually bother me him seeing her (I see my ex of 13 years fairly regularly with my DH and his DW) but the fact that he makes so much time to speak to and spend time with her and not you plus the lack of sex which almost certainly won't come back, would make me advise you to end it sooner rather than later.

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 05/02/2020 09:54

@daisychain01 Thank you for your input. I was feeling exactly the sentiments you have stated with some of the comments on my post. It's as if some people just want you to feel bad, I don't get that. I would never come on here and just tell someone they're wrong for how they're feeling about a situation. If I'm going to comment at all on anyone's post I'm going to try to be nice and helpful. I read a thread on here last night where a woman came on to say that she'd make a mistake and regretted it straight away. The comments back to her were so awful, aggressive and unhelpful, I was quite shocked at the onslaught. Luckily I'm quite long in the tooth and can sort the wheat from the chaff. I think a lot of commentors on these threads are just here to be contrary and, dare I say it, confontational. At my stage of life (coming up 50 this year) I feel I've earned the right to feel special in my relationship. I feel I should come first, a relationship at this time of life could very well be my last one, so I need to feel happy in it.. P.S. It's now 09.53am, I'm feeling really poorly (I have some horrible virus thing) and I haven't heard a peep from him since a 5 min call yesterday lunchtime, so almost 24 hours ago. How's that for letting me know how much he cares?

OP posts:
SmellyBeard · 05/02/2020 10:01

OP you are right that it's down to your boundaries and no one can tell you to be comfortable with something you are not.

You need to decide if this relationship is worth a full and frank conversation about the friendship with the ex and also the lack of intimacy in your relationship. It may feel that you shouldn't have to do this, if he loved you he would do xyz etc, but in my view it's worth a conversation if you want to try and salvage the relationship.

If you think it's gone past that point then you can just end it and it's up to you what reasons you give.

The most important thing is to take your own feelings seriously and not to dismiss them. This will help you decide what's the best course of action. Take some time to think about what outcome you would like.

Helini · 05/02/2020 10:08

I wouldn't put up with this. Ex or not, he's putting the friendship before the relationship and that's a no for me.

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/02/2020 10:20

He isn't doing anything wrong at all in my view and this is down to your own insecurities.
That said if your in a relationship that isn't making you happy than you have every right to walk away.

SummerWhisper · 05/02/2020 10:30

cheeseandwin5 you must suffer from very low expectations. If you were ill for more than a day and your partner called just once for a few minutes, that is OK? He sounds dreadful. He is doing everything wrong.

@DollyDaydream70 it's harder when you are ill, as you have more time to dwell, but...plan your exit from this dying relationship. Don't give him a Get Out Of Jail card, though. Let it be on his shoulders to end it. Make him do the deed. It is possible you won't hear from him again, though. Please don't contact him. You sound strong and you sound decent. I hope you find someone who deserves you Flowers

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 05/02/2020 11:10

@SummerWhisper Thank you for your kind response. I'm choosing to ignore all the people that are just here to try to make us feel bad because they feel bad about themselves, they don't deserve our time :-) I agree that my expectations are higher than some of the commentors here. I feel I deserve more than a quick, 5 min call in a 24 hour timespan when he knows I'm really not well. I'm only sat here typing on Mumsnet because I'm laid up, usually I would be in work or busy doing some other activity. I do feel that I'm picking up breadcrumbs here. He's actually just sent me a text msg saying 'have you still got Coronavirus', which just makes me think that he's not taking my illness seriously. I've text back that I'm not feeling any better and I'm switching my phone off and going back to sleep. I'm really not in the mood to speak to him. I'm fuming!

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 05/02/2020 11:33

He is being childish in order to escape scrutiny and responsibility. You are right to ignore him. Now that he knows you are still unwell and in bed, he should up his game. However, he probably won't and he needs to be honest and end it with you. Make him squirm, make him feel uncomfortable...do not make it easy for him.

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 05/02/2020 11:38

@SummerWhisper I agree that he's trying to make a joke of it because he knows he hasn't done enough. I really can't be bothered with him atm. I'm literally leaving my phone switched off all day. The next couple of days will be a very telling time, I intend to do zilch in the area of contacting him. Let's see if he ups his game.. or not. Either way, it'll tell me all I need to know. Thank you for your help

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 05/02/2020 11:40

I couldn't do it but least they aren't sneaking around behind your back, I'd say that was a positive sign that they are just truly good mates.

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 11:47

They are very emotionally attached.

Plenty more fish in the sea Flowers

Original poster
DollyDaydream70 · 05/02/2020 11:55

Hi @rebecca102 I have no suspicion at all that there is anything untoward going on. I don't think they are sleeping together or anything like that. I don't feel threatened by this woman in any way. I just feel that their friendship is a bit too full on. Calling each other every day (for no particular reason, just to chat and gossip) running errands for each other. I guess I just think it's odd that out of all the people he could choose as his close friend, he chooses his ex.. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to hate her or anything, I just don't understand why they have to be best friends. I was with my oldest Sons Father for 8 years, I'd known him since I was ten years old. He was my first love, the first man I had sex with, the Father of my firstborn. I loved him even after we broke up in that 'I've known you forever, you're like family' kind of way. But I didn't want to be his best friend once we broke up. I didn't feel that I needed to be talking to him on the phone every day. My life moved on and so did his. Once he got a new partner I would drop my Son off at the weekend, swap niceties with his new partner for a few minutes and that was it. It would never have crossed my mind to try to stay close to him. He had a new partner, she was the most important in his life now, my role was just to keep him informed about his Son and make sure he saw his Son as agreed. I see even less reason for my partner's ex to want to stay so close to him as they have no children together.. there is literally no reason for them to need to be in each others pockets so much. I just think it's... odd!

OP posts:
HouseworkAvoider10 · 05/02/2020 11:58

Nope.
I would bin him and leave them to it.

Tinkerbellx · 05/02/2020 11:58

Hi OP
Sorry I haven't read all the messages only skimmed .
Have you had a proper conversation with him about this ? Turning your phone off seems a little like playing games ( sorry don't want to be harsh ) . I couldn't be bothered with all that at nearly 50 myself .
Maybe Invite him over and tell him you'd like to talk about this . Then sees what his response / actions are ?

As for best friend .... I had similar .
My dp of 3 years doesn't have many friends but his best friend was a lady at work . I saw a message on his phone either to or from her ( not peeking it came up while we were looking for something together on his phone ) for some reason I didn't like the message . There were kisses for a start and endearments .
Anyway we had a conversation and he said basically chill she's my best friend . I responded by giving him my blessing for their friendship ( and I meant it ) but that imo the position of best friend ( female ) was no longer available if he was in a relationship with me .
I just said I'd prefer endearments like darling and kisses for us .
He was really great and probably even told her .
They've supported each other a lot over the years .
Unfortunately she is in a new relationship and her new partner has put a stop to their friendship which has upset both of them . They have been good friends for years and now late coffees after work have all been stopped . My dp has been really understanding and said her relationship comes first, however it spells mistrust from his friends partner to me .
So communicate and let him decide ?
We can't choose friends for them but maybe suggest some boundaries that you have and if he doesn't respect them then I'm afraid there's your answer x x

sleepyhorse · 05/02/2020 12:01

I think it depends too on how the ex is with you? Is she friendly and does she make you feel comfortable?

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