His Ex is his best friend

[DollyDaydream70]

How would you feel if your partner's best friend was his ex girlfriend who he was in a relationship with for 9 years around 20 years ago? Just to give a bit more info: They speak on the phone every day (not about anything important, just chatter and gossip) they think nothing of meeting up and going for drinks together, and they have been known to reminisce about their relationship whilst I have been present. Feel free to ask more questions about this situation, I'll answer as honestly as I can.

The problem is, there are so many people who swear blind that someone is just "a friend" and then end up having an affair with them that it makes us put our guard up, and then those who genuinely have innocent friendships suffer from the understandable paranoia.

Ultimately, if you're going to be in a relationship with this man, you have to trust him .. or what's the point? You can't ask him to end an important friendship, but if you're not comfortable with it (and thanks to my past, I wouldn't be either - probably unfairly to them both!) then the kindest thing to do is to move on.

@SunshineAngel You may have got to the bottom of the real problem here. When I was in my mid 30's I was in a 5 yr relationship with a really horrible creature. This man was a complete narcissist (I know that term is thrown around a lot now but he really was exactly that). This man took away all of my self confidence, abused me in almost every way you can think of and left me feeling like a worthless piece of s**t. Part of his game was that he would constantly comment on the attractiveness of other women, or he would go out and say that he'd given a friend of a friend a lift home and that she'd invited him in for coffee and that she was really pretty and intelligent etc etc.... In retrospect I see the game. At the time it was absolute hell. This guy put me through so much and it took a hell of a lot of work to get myself back to where I am now. I do wonder if I'm overreacting about this friendship because of my past relationship, or am I right to feel that it's inappropriate and that SHE more than HE should realise that the way she behaves is not respectful towards her ex's current partner. P.S. His girlfriend before me (of 18 months) dumped him partly for his heavy drinking and partly because she found his ex 'too controlling'. Just a bit of insight for you there ;-)

@sleepyhorse In answer to your question. I feel that she's friendly towards me in a very fake kind of way. It doesn't feel natural when I speak to her (but I guess that could be partly because I have my guard up). She says things like 'Oh, how did manage to pull someone as beautiful as you?', I'm afraid I just find that fake and condescending. It's hard to explain in text but I definitely feel there's a bitchy edge to her 'friendliness'.

@DollyDaydream70 I'm so sorry to hear you've been through that. I can understand 100% how difficult it is to trust again after having such a negative relationship. It makes everything difficult.

Both my partner and I were cheated on, and mine was emotionally abusive (never physical, thank goodness), so it was a complete nightmare when we first got together, as we really liked each other, but we just couldn't relax, trust and enjoy, as we were just convinced something would go wrong. After almost 3 years we're pretty much there - but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes worry when he's texting the same person a lot. Add to that he turns his phone screen away so I can't see (because he knows it upsets me sometimes even when it's perfectly innocent, and he thinks I don't notice the slight movement) and it makes it worse rather than better!

Just a note about what you said about the girl being disrespectful towards you. I'm not sure if that's the case. Obviously I don't know them, or their relationship, or their intentions .. but most of my friends are/were male, and one by one I've lost them all as they got into relationships. I would have thought nothing in the past of phoning them for a chat, or asking them out for a meal or for a coffee, or popping round to see them.

Nothing sexual, no attraction. Yet, all but one of their girlfriends has put a stop to the friendships, leaving me pretty much with no friends. It was incredibly difficult, but at the same time I can see it from their perspective. I think you're worried more because you're not sure, and you don't know what they talk about or get up to when you're not there .. but speaking as someone who has lost very close male friends when they got into relationships, I don't think it's fair to put a stop to an innocent friendship. And if they do have a truly amazing, innocent friendship, it would be a big loss to them both. We all need friends, it's not healthy to stop innocent friendships because of a partner.

The only problem is that you can never be 100% sure - in your own mind - that it is innocent. And the distance - plus your past - makes all of that worse!

:(

No sex for months either? Time to call it a day. Nothing left in this relationship for you. It's causing more angst than pleasure.

I wouldn't mess around with the phone off.

She is way higher on his list to chat to and help than you.

You deserve better.

Wave him goodbye

I think his ex is almost a red herring here. Take her out of the equation and ask yourself whether you're happy with the relationship as it is. You don't get as much contact as you'd like, he seems not to care about you when you're not feeling well, there's not even any sex... the fact that he has a friend (who happens to be his ex) who he treats better than you is just the icing on the cake. It offers you an unfortunate comparison with how he's capable of behaving versus how he actually does, but you didn't need that to decide that you're not content.

@margoria You have hit the nail on the head here. He has time to spend on the phone to her every day. Yet he knows I've been off work this week (extremely rare for me, only happens when I'm half dead!) and can only be arsed to call me for 5 minutes yesterday lunchtime.. maybe he just has more in common with her than he does with me? I guess if my (favourite) ex was still around (he passed away three years ago) I would have more to talk about with him than I do with my current partner, because I'd known him forever (since I was ten years old). But out of respect for both my partner and his, I wouldn't be trying to forge a close friendship with him, I wouldn't have wanted his partner to feel threatened by me, or like I was getting in the way. As I said in a previous comment, his last girlfriend before me dumped him partly because of his relationship with this ex, she cited that this ex was 'too controlling'.

@EoinMcLovesCakeJumper maybe you're right. When we first got together I feel I was 'Love Bombed' (I think I'm using that in the right context). He would pay for us to stay in lovely hotels, we went on holidays, he took me to a swanky bar just to drink champagne etc.. As the months have progressed all we now seem to do is go to the pub. I feel we have little in common and that he only wants to do the things that he enjoys doing and go to the places he wants to go. The sex is non existant, I've broached the subject but he just dismisses it with rubbish excuses.. I now feel like it's more of a chore then a pleasure going to see him. It's sad because he's not a nasty man, I just don't think he's for me :-(

How long have you been seeing him?

P.S. It's now 09.53am, I'm feeling really poorly (I have some horrible virus thing) and I haven't heard a peep from him since a 5 min call yesterday lunchtime, so almost 24 hours ago. How's that for letting me know how much he cares?

Bet he's spoken to her though.

He’s not the one for you OP. I don’t don’t know anyone that could put up with all those negatives to be honest. You deserve more

He should be in a relationship with this woman don't you think ?
IMO he clearly is closer to her. & with the addition of your last post, he seems fairly disinterested all round, I wonder is he a closet gay ?

@KatherineJaneway I would stake my life on it!

@RantyAnty 2 years but it's a long distance relationship and we only see each other at the weekend.

My dh has a similar ex, they were together 15 years and split up 2 years before we met. He would describe her as a best friend. They dont go out and get smashed together because we have young DC and to be honest were all a bit past the getting smashed round someone's house stage anyway. I was somewhat uneasy around the relationship at first but I think only due to a lack of precedent. 6 years in, I consider her a friend of my own, we see her and her dh with other members of that social group and she will also pop round on her own.

She and my dh were high school sweethearts and share a huge amount of history. My friends from an equivalent time never became romantic partners but if they had I would not accept being told I had to reduce or restrict those friendships. No friend i ever make is going to come close to the ones who have known me since my teenage years. I completely see why she is important to my dh and respect the fact that when that relationship ended they found a way to remain friends.

Your situation does seem different. I have never been made to feel uncomfortable or second best.

@Enoughisenoughhhhh Thanks for your input. Does your partner's ex call him on the phone every day? I think that's one of the main things that irks me. I mean, I don't even speak to my Mother on the phone every day! What can they possibly have to talk about? I think their relationship borders on co dependent. I guess as I said before this one is down to the individual's boundaries. The further I go in this relationship, the more I realise that this situation is not for me. It's nothing at all to do with insecurities, jealousy, or wanting to stop his friendship with her. It's more the fact that it's just a little too much. Telephone convo's EVERY DAY though...? I loved my eldest Son's Father, I knew him from being ten years old, but once we broke up I was respectful enough to know that you step out of the situation entirely and let him and his new partner get on with things. If we bumped into each other we would be friendly and have a laugh, but I would never have been as intrusive as this ex of my partner's has been.

We are early 30s and honestly noone our age speaks to anyone on the phone every day so I'm not sure its comparable. They keep in touch with messages. I dont know exactly how often but not every day. They do certainly have that easy communication where you can talk about nothing and everything if that makes sense. I dont see their communication as a lack of respect for me. But then she has never been disrespectful towards me and neither has my dh. It is clear that me and the children are at the centre of my dh's life. I think the long distance aspect in your case complicates things. Is there any plan for your relationship to become non-long distance?

I have a friend whose ex-husband is her best friend. She's also best friends with his wife - and planned their wedding for them at his new fiancee's request!

Obviously some people can totally lose whatever it was that attracted each other sexually, yet still have a lot in common and a shared history that binds them. But in your case I don't see what you're getting from the relationship. It's long distance so you don't see him often, and there's no sex. So I don't see there's much of a trade off here.

I don’t think you can ask him to scale down a friendship which pre-exists your relationship.

The rest of it (heavy drinking, no sex etc.) doesn’t sound particularly promising though.

Dolly I’d draw a line under this to protect yourself. These two people are very connected to each other in some capacity maybe even co-dependant to some extent. One of them won’t let the other go or maybe it’s both of them.

Doesn’t mean they have to drag you in to a triangle. I’d be concerned if a good friend was phoning me every day whilst he was in a relationship with another woman because I’d know how I’d feel in that situation but she maybe phoning him so they are as bad as each other.

He sounds as though he put the effort in at the beginning but it’s not like that now and you don’t have any ties with him so you could break free easily.

It’s not uncommon to come out of a bad relationship and go in to another unhealthy one because our defence have been battered down and we question ourselfs if we are over reacting because it’s not as bad as it was with the last one.

But for me this still isn’t right. Yes you can have opposite friends but these two have a very long relationship and you don’t need to be the side chick because you deserve to be the only woman.

Not RTFT, but nope. I definitely would not continue to be in this situation.

I think a few of you are either not being really honest with yourselves or are VERY tolerant people. I personally can't get past the fact that my partner is best friends with a woman that he was having sex with for many years. They know each other intimately, he knows what she looks like naked, they have shared many intimate moments! If this was just an old schoolfriend I would understand, I have no problem at all with him having friends of the opposite sex, but this is different, they were lovers. I think they are disrespectful to expect me to accept that they would remain such a large part of each other's lives. I just wouldn't do that to a person. I'm sorry, I just wouldn't disrespect the new partner and make her feel uncomfortable. The only problem I see here now is that I should've voiced my discomfort from the start (it was difficult to though, I had a lot going on at the time). I think I knew early on that this situation didn't sit well with me, I should've walked away. I think I deserve to be the most important woman in my man's life (apart from perhaps his Mother) and I certainly don't feel like I am. This is about my own personal boundaries, and this situation is overstepping a mark for me, it doesn't feel right. Thank you everyone for your input, it's good to get lots of different opinions from lots of different perspectives but ultimately this scenario makes me anxious and therefore I fear the pair of them have to go!

I would definitely feel the same way as you. I didn't mean to be dismissive of your partner's ex's role in the situation - just to suggest that, whatever the reason he's behaving the way he is, you're not happy with the level of contact and care he's putting in. You're not being unreasonably demanding to expect more than seeing your partner at weekends only and actually getting to have sex together on some of those occasions!

OP, sorry you feel so awful.
Men show you they really care when you are sick.

Unfortunately, you are not a priority for him.

Move on.

Hope you feel better soon.💐