Possibly the OW

[soapandglory9x]

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

• He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).

• Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.

• He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).

• He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

It does all sound very suspicious. He could even have another long distance relationship on the go, seeing her the opposite weekends to you (which would explain why he can't change plans).

I think the two things that would most alarm me are having no contact from leaving work until the next morning, and the shit excuse about why you can't go to his home address. I'd say he either doesn't actually live where he has told you, or lives with another woman he is in a relationship with. The couple in the photo you have seen could even be the brother/sister of either him or his partner with their respective partners and not necessarily someone who lives in the house themselves.

Far too many unanswered questions... I would go down the route of asking to meet family seeing as you have been together almost a year and see what his reaction is. If he is so close to them then surely he should want them to meet the woman in his life!

I'm with the LTBs on this one - not even worth the investigation, nothing feels right. It isn't going anywhere, just stop wasting your life.

@Sumsuch has hit the nail on the head

I can appreciate other posters saying don't bother to investigate but would not knowing bug you? I think it would bug me forever, definitely!

Married.
Not contactable in the evenings is a dead give away.

What are you going to do OP?

I think ringing his work is a good place to start

Would he really take pictures of his daughter in front of as his family, send them to me and then pass her off his niece though?

One had his daughter's name tattooed on his arm, so couldn't hide - told my friend he had it in remembrance as the child died.

She later found out the child was alive and well, child's mother was again pregnant by him and his family knew and didn't say

So many red flags.
Did he instigate this long distance relationship ?
I would ring him one evening. If he doesn't answer then text him with some premise.
Then ring the next evening for a chat.

@Ionalovebead

Another for thinking he is living with a significant other...

Can’t you just be honest and say you find it weird that you’ve not been to his house yet?

Have you never seen the hotel room booking or bank card, been abroad and seen his passport or boarding details? In 11 months I would think there would be some situation where you see evidence of his real name.

Where did he live before this flat share if he has never lived alone?

I'd definitely think the girl in the photo is his daughter not niece and that he has her every other weekend but I don't understand why not just be honest about that from the start unless there is something else he wants to hide.

Probably because OP would ask to meet hid daughter if she knew it was his daughter and the boyfriend would have a lot of explaining to do when the little girl tells her mum about OP and vice versa...

Another one who thinks his niece is his daughter. I also think he is still involved with the mother hence the no contact in the evening.

My best friends DH was on dating sites the whole time they were married, the whole 8 years including them getting married and having 3 DC. The women he was seeing didn't know his real name/real age/where he really lived/what he did for a living never mind the wife and three children.

When the women started to smell a rat he gave the whole we are separating/not sleeping together and some of them believed it and carried on.

Of course when it all came out he didn't understand the fuss and had no intention of leaving his wife for anyone. One women left her husband and kids for him.

Also OP I know this is off topic but make sure you are not sending any photos. You may trust him but do you trust his angry wife? The amount of naked photos my friend had access too including faces was shocking. He gave her his log in details. Of course she deleted them all and let the women know they were deleted.

I heard of someone who forwarded all pictures the OW had sent to her DH to the OW facebook friends list(there mother father and work colleagues etc)

Trust your instincts.

Oh and he could be telling his wife or partner he is sending pictures of the kids to his family or friends.

Is it only me wondering if OP is going to come back?

As you met online I think its vital for safety reasons that after 11 months you can verify exactly who he is! Never seen a driving licence or bank card is very fishy to me. I suspect that his niece his in fact his own daughter. I would raise everything you have raised here with him.

The phone number you have for him could be a second phone so a Google search or putting it into Facebook might not get you anywhere. Abs of course he's leave the serving ovine in his car so his wife won't be suspicious...

@isthismylifenow

No!

My ex husband had a friend and this friend had a girlfriend. The girlfriend came on loads of nights out, to parties, even overnight to the wedding of another friend etc. We knew her fairly well really.

She was in a relationship the whole time! My ex's friend knew but didn't tell anyone and it came out in the end because she actually got married to the other man.

People do some really weird stuff. To this day I've no idea why she did that or why my ex's friend put up with it. In your case I wouldn't be able to just end it and walk away because curiosity would get the better of me, so I'd do as much sleuthing as necessary to get the answers and then end it. I'd put money on you being the OW though.

Ask him. No need for all this Miss Marple stuff.

oh, the sweet naivety of innocence...

Because people who are abusing, manipulating and taking advantage of another person, NEVER lie and JUST FESS UP when they are asked ...

Because people who are abusing, manipulating and taking advantage of another person, NEVER lie and JUST FESS UP when they are asked ...

But the OP isn't committed to him - they don't have kids, live together etc

She asks him and either he gives her satisfactory proof or she walks away.

Even if he doesn't have a wife and kids his behaviour is still bizarre and the OP should probably discuss it with him anyway. So why not cut too the chase.

I mean, just asking him and expecting the truth would be incredibly naive. This is a man who has potentially lied to OP for almost a year. I would have been suspicious way before this though and I I would have gone all Miss Marple much sooner. So many things about him are just dodgy and don’t add up.

A PP asked whether he just gets sick of driving 100 miles every weekend so prefers it to be a EOW thing but Christ, who would be so rigid about it? I’m sure there’d be the odd week where you’d want to see them even if you couldn’t be arsed driving. Plus OP said she has driven to pick him up before so it’s not like he’s doing all of the driving. I dated someone who lived about 60 miles away once and we’d alternate who drove to who each weekend which is pretty normal.

I think the PP who suggested the friend’s girlfriend not wanting to be in on the deceit is correct.

If that was me I would have to turn up at his house unexpectedly and if it all turned out to be innocent, you could just say you decided to surprise him. If he has already potentially lied to you all this time, then he certainly isn’t going to come clean by simply asking him what’s going on. Good luck!