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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possibly the OW

339 replies

soapandglory9x · 02/02/2020 21:32

Met on OLD and have been dating/together for nearly 11 months. I’m 29 and he’s 37.

Spend every other weekend together and he sometimes pops over during the week after work if not to tired or finished late. We live around 100 miles from each other. No kids on either side. I love him and think (?) he feels the same, has told me he does anyway, however I can’t shake this feeling that he may be married or have a partner and kids. Some points:;

⁃ He has no social media, only WhatsApp. I’ve tried searching his full name/nickname on Facebook/instagram to no avail.

  • He doesn’t have any kids at 37 (I know not unheard of but he was previously in a relationship for 9 years so seems strange to me?).
  • Although he has a good job and earns a decent salary he’s never lived by himself. Currently lives with a friend to save money but I’ve never been aloud in to visit because his friends girlfriend is one of these paranoid/jealous types apparently. I have picked him up from outside the property though when his car was in the garage.
  • He comes over every other weekend like clockwork but if I ask to change weekends (because I might of been invited out by friends etc) then he saids he can’t swap them but doesn’t give a reason why. I think this reason worries me the most. He’s not spontaneous at all with plans like most single people are (if that makes sense?).
  • He hardly messages during the evening anymore but did in the beginning. He might message me around 5:00pm when leaving work and then I won’t hear anything until the morning when he’s back in. I have brought this issue up before but he’s just used the excuse that he was at a friends house, spending time with family, playing football or fell asleep. Also never calls me but does send voice notes over WhatsApp when he’s home.

After 11 months I’ve still not been inside his home, he always comes here. I’ve met a couple of his friends on nights out but not met his family yet. He’s also sent me pictures/videos of his nieces/nephews with his sister/mum in the background, I did ask who they thought he was sending them to and he said he told them it was to me. Apparently he’s told them all about me. His WhatsApp picture is even of him and his niece. I have also asked him about his feeling towards kids to see if he’d ever want any in the future but he’s never really given a specific answer.

He’s very caring and thoughtful. Always makes me laugh and smile. He also takes me away to lovely places, hotels and for meals out. When he comes down on the weekends he stays from Friday until Sunday afternoon. He’s the perfect man in every sense. I know it might all be innocent but I just can’t shake this feeling. Am I right to be worried?

OP posts:
Sumsuch · 03/02/2020 13:22

Christ, it doesn't matter if he's married, a father, in it/ out of it.
Seriously, it doesn't matter.

He's marked a ring around his life and refuses you entry. Is that really what you want?

loveyoutothemoon · 03/02/2020 13:29

It's not looking good.....BUT could it just be that he's a bit annoyed he always drives the 100 miles and he just likes to chill on his own the other weekends?

Aloe6 · 03/02/2020 13:30

I bet he’s married hence uncontactable in the evenings.

If you’re 29 and want children in the future, don’t waste any more time on this situation. Your fertility is ticking away on this time waster.

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 13:37

It's not looking good.....BUT could it just be that he's a bit annoyed he always drives the 100 miles and he just likes to chill on his own the other weekends?

But he doesn't have to....OP sounds like she'd happily go to him but he won't let her into his home Confused

Cohle · 03/02/2020 13:40

Why not just tell him your concerns?

Surely any reasonable person would find it hilarious, show you his passport and immediately invite you round for dinner on an "off weekend". Any other reaction and you know he's either lying or so bizarrely closed off that a relationship has no chance. There's no need to play Nancy Drew.

HollowTalk · 03/02/2020 13:49

This has been going on far too long, OP. Alarm bells should have rung a long time ago.

Scbchl · 03/02/2020 13:50

How much do you hear from him the weekend you dont see him?

loveyoutothemoon · 03/02/2020 13:54

@Bibidy on his own I do think there's something off but just clutching at straws!

loveyoutothemoon · 03/02/2020 13:55

I meant, maybe he just wants to be on his own sometimes. It happens. But with all the other stuff, I don't think this is the case!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/02/2020 14:01

I was seeing someone for a few months before I found out that he in fact lived with his girlfriend!! They can be very good at deception.. only time I've ever ghosted someone! If he's over six foot and called Alex, beware.. Grin

Rhubarbncustard4 · 03/02/2020 14:13

I think he is separated from a wife with hopes of reconciliation and seeing his children EOW ...

Or he is just not that serious about committing to you .

PinkGinAndTacos · 03/02/2020 14:38

Trust me, I am in a relationship where the guy has no intention of ever fully committing to me. It's crap. Get out now before you can't.

He either wants his cake and to eat it or he's living a double life.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 03/02/2020 14:45

@Rhubarbncustard4 that’s what I think. He’s separated so staying with a friend, won’t invite OP round because his mates girlfriend doesn’t agree with him lying to OP and won’t keep quiet. He has his kids every other weekend so can’t see OP then. Sees his wife for kids bedtime and hangs around a bit trying to win her back and that’s why he doesn’t stay in contact. Something like that anyway.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2020 14:52

TBH, at this point I'd break it off based on the evidence you have. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I felt such suspicion. It's not worth the stress. Or I'd hire a private eye. Chances are a good PI will suss out the truth in a very short time. Most cheats aren't that good at hiding their tracks.

You say you live 100 miles apart. Have you ever spent any length of time in 'his town' or do you always come to yours? If not, I'd research the town's offerings and propose a long day together in the most public places that I could find. Maybe even a night in a cozy hotel since his roomie's 'crazy gf' won't allow you to stay at 'his' flat. See what his reaction is to being out in public together where you may be seen as a couple by people who know him. Of course, that's not 100% as his friend may not live in the same town as he does but it's worth a thought.

As far as who you've met so far, (some) friends and family will lie for a cheat or at least they will say nothing. And most coworkers would not get involved if they saw a married coworker with and OW/OM.

SureTry · 03/02/2020 14:54

I don't think he lives with his friend at all. It's his friend's and friend's girlfriends place. His friend is happy to overlook what he's doing but the girlfriend is not happy about it. He's got a family and has made up some bullshit excuse to be out of the house every other weekend. He friend covers for him, the girlfriend wants no part of the deceit.

aSofaNearYou · 03/02/2020 14:58

If I had to guess I'd say he probably still lives with the mother of his child (the niece) but is maybe separated and doesn't think you'd stay with him if you knew that. Either that or the same scenario but he is living with his mum. It could be worse than that or it could be better - some people are very against social media.

Given how long you have been together, it would be very easy to just say to him you need to know the relationship is going somewhere and would like to start meeting family etc. If he says no, you have nothing to lose by confronting him about your suspicions because he's either lying or doesn't want it to progress to something more serious so is wasting your time.

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 15:00

If I had to guess I'd say he probably still lives with the mother of his child (the niece) but is maybe separated and doesn't think you'd stay with him if you knew that

I don't think he's even separated, otherwise he'd be able to make contact with OP in the evening.

Clearly there's a reason why he's not responding to her from 5pm until he's back at work the following morning....because he's putting his phone out of the way so his wife doesn't see the messages he's getting!

yoohoobigsummerblowout · 03/02/2020 15:07

Next time you go to pick him up, pretend to need the toilet, surely he'll let you go in, and might give you a little insight of inside the house.

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/02/2020 15:08

I'm on OLD and I use a false identity. I have an e-mail address in this name and a facebook account, with all the settings set to private.
My real name is unusual enough for all sorts of details to show up, and the last thing I want is for some random man I'd 'met' online to perhaps show up at my house or at work. The OLD name is something more ordinary.

I'm not sure at what point I would tell someone I was dating that I was actually called something else.

In OP's case, I would try phoning the boyfriend in the evening. The phone will almost certainly be switched off or in aircraft mode, as it probably is when he is with OP. He will explain it away as the phone was out of charge, out of signal, or he was asleep or somewhere noisy.

BirdieFriendBadge · 03/02/2020 15:08

"Given how long you have been together, it would be very easy to just say to him you need to know the relationship is going somewhere and would like to start meeting family etc. If he says no, you have nothing to lose by confronting him about your suspicions because he's either lying or doesn't want it to progress to something more serious so is wasting your time"

Exactly this. You can't waste more of your time if he isn't being honest with you.

I also agree with the trying to see his name on the bank card.

And going on a house stake out Wink

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/02/2020 15:16

OP, you do not trust him, his behaviour points to him being in another relationship or being dodgy.

Cut contact with him. You are 29. Don't waste your youth on being second fiddle.

HuskyloverI · 03/02/2020 15:29

Sounds married to me. Any reason you haven't turned up on his doorstep?

Linzi2377 · 03/02/2020 15:30

Try phoning his work office asking for the name he gave you?you may find out if it’s his proper name atleast??x

aSofaNearYou · 03/02/2020 15:31

I don't think he's even separated, otherwise he'd be able to make contact with OP in the evening.

Yes, I was going to add that if he is still living with his ex then it is probably one of those scenarios where the door isn't fully closed, and that would be a generous guess. He could just be fully still married but I think it's quite common for a separated man to stay in the family home to ease the transition for the the kids, but remain open to a reconciliation/string the ex along into thinking they are and begin dating new people at the same time to hedge their bets.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 03/02/2020 15:39

I think the suggestion of calling his office is a good one. Call the main switchboard and say "Is John Smith in the office today?" if he is then you get put through and confirm from his voice that its the 'right' John Smith. If they say "sorry we don't have a John Smith here" then you know the name isn't real.

Something's definitely not right though OP, always go with your gut, even without the many issues you've highlighted, your gut feeling alone is good enough to go on.

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