Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

Hello all, I’m here too. Also feeling overwhelmed. I hate this so much and just want my life back. Stomach in knots and really sore, head pounding with it all. The last few days have been really amenable which just makes me so confused. Swinging between hopium and seeing no way out of this mess. Is it too much to just want to be happy again? I really don’t feel strong enough for any of this today. Bloody hormones.
Love and strength to you all. xx

Well this just made me cry:

momastery.com/blog/2014/07/16/survive-left/

Big hugs if you're struggling today xxx

Read that blog.
I'm at my bros having abit of care and not being lonely and fed for a couple of days. He is getting too much if my head space.
. I really want to hear from simplyforhelp.
Wishing you all well.

@caketimeisover I read that too it made me cry also. Don’t feel very resilient today.
@Bigpooh That sounds nice, I hope you’re able to relax a little and he’s spoiling you! I also want to hear from @simply4help, I’m getting quite concerned. Feeling helpless.

@caketimeisover I’m printing that and keeping it in my room as a reminder it will pass, @Bigpooh13 let the people who care about you take care of you in this moment, @simply4help please pm someone, we have all been as down as you are and these warrior women are able to hold you until your able again yourself. I’m relatively new to the thread and have had wonderful support. I’ve been tearful and a bit overwhelmed this morning however more determined this afternoon, finishing off painting my lovely bedroom (even if I’ve just realised the yellow is exactly the same as my car!) lol

Ooh and putting the merino wool cycle jerseys that he may be looking for in spring into the charity bag!

@caketimeisover, I didn’t think I could do any more crying today. But then I read that beautiful blog and I am a mess. Fortunately it’s yoga tonight! I’m not sure whether ‘thank you’ is right. It is a lovely piece of hopeful writing. There are times though when I just can’t face the pain and I start sobbing, the biggest sobs I have ever cried. This is one of them.

@SoTiredTonight, I still have small bits of hopium left that I need to swap for hope. Having identified that he is very definitely the headworker type of Dominator, to the letter, why would I sell myself so short. I don’t want him back, that’s for sure. I’m still grieving what I thought I had and the future with him that I won’t have.

@Bigpooh13, I so pleased to read that your brother is giving you some well-deserved tlc. Enjoy yourself!

I haven’t heard by PM from @simply4help. I don’t think there’s anything else we can do except hope that she is ok. Simply, if you read this please drop us a line. We are worried.

See everyone later if I’m still awake. I feel exhausted today.

Hello fabulous Warriors. I'm sorry I haven't been too much use to anyone lately. I've read, but largely when I go to post my words don't work.

I am still sending out many thoughts of support, but have been so up and down I think I am a bit numb at the moment.

Have had no direct response to the email, but have had a few terse texts about a practical situation I was trying to sort. I am no longer getting kisses at the end, so assume he has taken heed of my boundary placing, but also suspect he is sulking.

Aiming to speak at weekend to finally talk finances. Which will not be pleasant I'm sure.

Feeling quite wobbly. Having a real wave of sadness and disbelief again which is a pain.

Also a bit unsettled as a couple of days ago spotted I had a pm. Went on to check and it had been deleted at sender's request. Was a name with no posting history, so not sure what that was all about.

Sending much love to you all, and hope to be back properly soon.

Also hoping all well with @simply4help

xx

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, good to hear from you but sorry you are having an unsettling time. The sulking, terse texts, and juvenile behaviour patterns are so tiresome. They seem to occur when boundaries are imposed and/or they are not getting precisely what they want when they want it. Entirely predictable.

Good luck on the finances discussion. It’s understandable that you’re feeling wobbly, sad and disbelieving. I feel the same, but sometimes I feel really good and strong. Lots of triggers around as well. That isn’t helping. As for the pm, I would ignore it.

Sleep well all, here’s to lots of better times tomorrow. xx

Know a few of us are struggling with listening to music, I think this thread might help!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3820046-Songs-which-have-helped-you-after-you-split-up-with-a-wrongun

xxx

Morning everyone. Not sure how I’m feeling this morning. A bit mixed and still overwhelmed. There are good things happening, and perhaps I’m focusing on those a little more. I need to do some CBT, another thing to add to the list of things I need to do. Trying hard to stay positive as being negative adds to the pain. I also trying to remember what I was told at CBT - in order to build up coping mechanisms for anxiety I have to let the anxiety rise to a peak and then it will start to fall away. I was told that it isn’t possible for anxiety to continue upwards indefinitely. Chronic anxiety problems develop when we stop the anxiety growing before it reaches its peak and tails off. It’s about facing the fear and doing it anyway. It all sounds like hard work 😓

@caketimeisover, I haven’t deliberately listened to music since the break. I just can’t do it yet. I am getting back into some other things I loved, theatre, cinema, reading. Music might be last on the list!

@simply4help, hello and we are thinking of you. You are not alone in this.

Have a good morning everyone. I’ll be on and off here today if anyone’s feeling a bit down or wants to share some good news. xx

Hello!

Kids are all sick so I've been off work with them the last couple of days. Ex's turn today (here you go, 3 kids with v&d, enjoy).

I feel ok when I'm with the kids but as soon as I leave them I just feel so sad. On way into work there was a couple on the train, the guy showed her something on his phone and they had a giggle. I don't remember the last time I had that sort of intimacy with him. I tried so hard but he was just wasn't interested so he shut me out. Wonder what he was thinking when he could see me trying so hard - I must have looked like such a pathetic idiot. How you can watch that go on for so long is beyond me, it's just so cruel. God it was horrible for so long. Just makes me feel so sad. Sorry, having a bit of a wallow!

@Superbmonkey how did you organise your CBT sessions? I'm having counseling but sometimes feel like while it's a good outlet it's not giving me many tools or techniques for moving forwards.

Hope you have a good day everyone. xxx

@caketimeisover, I would like to be a fly on the wall as he copes with the sick DC 😀. I’m sorry that they are sick though.

You are describing just the sort of trigger that upsets me. We did have that level of intimacy, genuine from me, but a lie from him. I suppose that appearances can be deceptive. Wallowing’s good - that’s why hippos do it 🦛.

I arranged my CBT on the NHS through the Healthy Minds website via a self-referral e.g.

www.northessexiapt.nhs.uk/west-essex

This is not my area as did not want to out myself. If you type ‘healthy minds’ into your browser and answer ‘yes’ to using your location you will find your area (the service isn’t available in all areas).

I feel the same way about my therapy. It’s useful for venting but I need tools to use to help change my thinking. You can pm me if you would like further information and I will try to help.

xx

Morning all.
I'm actually alot better here at my bros.
I think it's because I feel safer. As hes not around . The boundaries thing. My aniexty is better here as well.
I'm doing my CBT. But dont think I'm really taking it in.
I'm still not really accepting the situation which is what I need to do.
It doesnt seem to help me with the loss of life and family.

Just wanted to add the music thing still cant do that . I had the radio on for the drive down here and cried all the way

@Bigpooh13, I’m so glad that you are feeling safe and secure and cared for. That’s what you deserve. You may not be taking in the CBT because of your anxiety about your situation. That’s the viscious cycle because the situation gets worse and the anxiety gets worse and round and round. You have seen a solicitor so you have done something. You have been to CAB and that’s something else. You are taking care of yourself much better now. You are moving upwards. Go you!! 🌟

Hello all, rushing around this morning and not feeling too great but wanted to pop by to wish you all a good day! I will write more later.
Good to hear from you @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, don’t ever worry about being of any use, I think we all feel like that a lot of the time. It’s just nice to have this little group who understand and encourage - even by saying that you’re struggling, it supports the rest of us. I suppose it’s because it’s nice to know one isn’t the only one.
Thank you for the link@caketimeisover, will have a read later.
@Bigpooh13 Glad you’re ‘enjoying’ your time at your brothers, a well deserved time of respite for you.
@SuperbMonkey Love your hippo comment!
@simply4help Please let us know you’re ok, we’re all worried about you and missing you here!

I’m having a bit of a better day today and although still anxious feel more in control of it.
Spending the day painting and planning for decluttering particularly the stuff he left behind, surely if he needed it he would have taken it.
@caketimeisover your post struck such a chord with me, I too feel I tried and know now I did love him much more than he ever did me, and I sometimes feel my sorrow is for a relationship that I wanted rather than had.
I am trying hard to have boundaries and keep him at the door even although my heart says let him in to see what he’s missing, feel such a sap at these times and don’t know how I’ll ever break out of these thoughts. Hoping that counselling will help when proper sessions start.
Have a good day all

It’s busy on the relationships board today. Lots of women discovering that their partners have been lying and cheating. Very sad for all of them.

@SoTiredTonight, who knew that there was a 🦛 emoji! Enjoy your busy day.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, I did some anger fuelled decluttering on Monday 😈. Brilliant to get rid of childish presents from his family that he has left behind,

See you all later xx

Hello, just wondering if I can join your tribe? I posted my own thread a few weeks ago, but think I would love some supportive virtual people who are going through it all too.
So just for info: been with H for 11years, married for nearly 7. 2 DC (5&3) At Christmas he announced he had feelings for someone else and that he wanted to pursue it. Most of the script was mentioned (he loves me but isn't in love with me/'we' have been unhappy for ages/etc.etc.) H and ow have been having an EA (with the addition of kissing apparently ) for the last 4 months or so, and cried on each others shoulders about how 'rubbish' their marriages were. She has similar aged kids.
Obviously as these things go I was totally blindsided.
I luckily got some counselling through work (and this would be my top tip for anyone else to see if this is available). I am getting there and starting to be kinder to myself.
My self esteem is shot to pieces though and i feel so humiliated.
I am feeling cross with myself tonight though as I have started a club on a Wednesday which I know I will mostly enjoy when I get there, but I just can't face having to make small talk with strangers tonight. Then this vicious cycle is making my feelings of being a failure worse.

Anyway and to you all as you are all clearly going through an awful lot and still being so lovely to others.

Hello @BunnyandBee, so sorry you needed to but glad you found us and hope you’ll find the same support and encouragement here as the rest of us have.
I’m dreadfully sorry for the totally shitty timing you found out, not that it makes much difference in the long term, but still... and especially with your tiny DCs! Is he still at home and do the DC know about any of it?
I hope you did decide to go to your club and are having fun, but if you haven’t I equally hope you are harbouring any negative feelings against yourself! YOU are not a failure because of choices he’s made and sometimes it feels better to lie low and that’s ok too! Just go easy on yourself!

I’ve got a terribly sore head tonight so probably will go to bed soon. Have a good night everyone! xx

@sotiredtonight thank you.i hope your head feels better very soon.
I asked him to leave as I could not tolerate/survive him pursuing a relationship with someone else whilst under the same roof. I have no doubt the impact of that would've been pretty catastrophic to my mh.
Fortunately it has been 'amicable' so far and he is seeing the DC regularly. The DC know that daddy doesn't live with us anymore and we will give them more info as and when. It is hard to gauge what to tell them. I hear it's 'better' when they're young, but their little brains must feel very unsettled.
I hope the rest of you have a good sleep x

@BunnyandBee, what a sweet user name! You are very welcome though it is sad that you are joining us. @SoTiredTonight has given you excellent advice. Although it sounds as if you are already a Mighty Warrior Woman. Your decisive action is a lesson for me when I’m dithering about feeling sorry for myself. I come on here and someone gives me a gentle shake. When I feel humiliated, and I am much older than you, I remind myself that the problem is with him, not me, and whilst I am in no way perfect, there’s a lot about me that I like, courage being one thing. I do a hobby on Wednesday too. It was hard to make myself go at first, and I missed a few sessions. I then decided that I was not going to give up my dreams for his bad behaviour. The social side of my hobby and the friends I have made there keep me going every week. We have a fun time. As SoTired says, don’t give yourself a hard time when you don’t go. You chose to do something else with your evening and that’s fine too. You are so newly into this and are coping amazingly. Your self-esteem will spring back. Sleep well x

SoTired, I hope your head gets better quickly. Your words to Bunny are very comforting. Have a good rest and catch up tomorrow. X

@simply4help we are still thinking about you xx

@BunnyandBee I think it is easier when they're little. My two bigger ones (6 and just turned 5) have adapted pretty well, and my youngest will just never know any different. It sucks. It's not what we chose, not what I ever would have chosen in a million years. But the kids will be ok. Big hug xxx

Also love you @SuperbMonkey for keeping this thread alive!