Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

There's such common experiences on here. Mine is too going through something of a mid life crisis which is pathetic as he's heading towards 70! Good luck to him when the chavy, unintelligent (I've seen her texts!)player drops him for someone less boring and ready to commit (he won't be, she's got young children and he will hate that) although she's apparently just FWB. As if that's ok when you've a partner of 15 years! Sorry for the rant. Just pops out. My Chump Lady arrived so that will be my reading for tonight. Welcome all. We're in similar boats at different parts of the race but all heading to a calm island all our own.

Thank you everyone for the welcome, this is truly a supportive nurturing group

I'm still in the very early stages of all this but my instinct when it happened was to gather in people, and I would recommend talking to friends and family as soon as possible, it's actually easier when you're mired in the shock, and those people want to help support you. People came flocking and it helped so much. I now make sure I have various sociable activities throughout the week and knowing there aren't too many long days or evenings to stretch out with just your own thoughts is helpful. I appreciate that if you have younger kids that's a lot harder.

I'm still talking endlessly about it but I share the load among different friends/family so no one is overly burdened. For me it helps to find humour in the situation too, and frankly it's all so pathetically cliched that there is much to laugh at. Turning your ex-loved one into an object of ridicule is wonderfully cathartic.

It doesn't stop the night time/evening rumination but your brain and body need to process what has happened so unfortunately it's unavoidable, however, talking it through as much as you can does help it a bit I think. Someone said in the thread that those night thoughts are not the ones to pay attention to in the day and I think that's very true, they are not the reality.

Stay strong everyone, millions before us have got through this shit and millions will follow. I believe that the emergence of spring really helps too, it is bright and sunny here and that keeps me bright and hopeful. Never lose hope, there is a better life ahead that no longer has to be filled with lies and betrayal.

Thanks so much @SuperbMonkey for your welcome and kind words, it is reassuring to know that I am not going through thesis relationship crisis myself, , not that I would wish it on anyone else of course.Lots of love to everyone on here today and try and stay strong,'love the emojis btw! 😘

@SuperbMonkey the paperback comes with a cd and the audio version with a code that you can access a 30 minute mind programming session. Don’t do what I did and tried it first at bedtime not realising the part about making me “feel refreshed and invigorated!” It did and then I couldn’t sleep.
Have to say it has helped me with the ruminating thoughts.

@Sadsammy, I’ve found that my STBXH and his OW write in very adolescent language. They are both intelligent but you wouldn’t know it from the messages. How can having. FWB be appropriate when you are supposed to be in a committed relationship, and he should know better. He’s not being very sensible. You sound very determined and together. Enjoy chumplady.

@thrivingnotjustsurving, your tag doesn’t seem to work 🤦‍♀️. You are an inspiration! Thanks for posting here. Thanks 🙏

@frankiebabe, you are very welcome.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, I will look at this as the ruminating thoughts are very annoying. Do you ever feel that you want to fast forward a year to get the main part of the pain over? Thanks for the encouragement.😘

I’ve had a good day so far. Part of me is always scanning the horizon for a predator attack. He’s so unpredictable. Onwards and upwards ...

Thankyou for allowing me to join this group. I've spent time reading the thread and crying my eyes out. My husband of 16 years (we've been together for 24 years since we were 18) says he wants to leave. Unhappy. Nothing new. Nothing exciting. No spark. He says there is no one else (although has admitted talking to an ex colleague woman about us). We have 2 small children - 5 year old and 1 year old.
I just don't know what to think, do, say, feel. Just keep crying.

@Babe2807, hello there. You made it to us quickly. Welcome, although we really wish that you didn’t have a reason to join us. We’ve cried a lot of tears between us and we still do. We have good days and truly rubbish days. One of us is pretty much always here to give as much support as we can. You are a baby in age terms compared to some of us (well me!). Lots of women on here have babies and @Feckthisshit2020 is pregnant. I’m not going to say that this ex-colleague is the OW or soon to be OW. I am going to say take care of yourself first for your tinies, so that they can rely on you. Someone has to be the unselfish, caring, loving parent and that’s going to be you while he gazes at his belly button and questions the meaning of his life. Crying, not knowing what to do and say, feel and think is normal. I called the Samaritans, that’s how desperate I was and I’m a really strong, independent woman. Get as much outside help as you can, read the chumplady website which will help you even if there is no OW. Eat, soup, sweet tea, if you can’t manage anything else. See your GP and talk it through, get some counselling, listen to The Archers omnibus on loop to get to sleep, diarise meet ups with friends, tell people (this is important - you will be amazed how much support you get). I hate to say this, but make him leave. I didn’t because he didn’t tell me about the affair (still hasn’t, I found emails). I would have made him leave with my boot attached to his bottom if I had known. But that’s me.

Someone else will be along soon, to give you better advice. Big hugs, we know what you’re going through xx

Hello everyone and my apologies for being so absent. I don’t know, I’m just finding it so hard to say much at the moment, positive OR negative. Probably because I’m permanently second guessing my feelings, thoughts, motivations, intentions... it’s quite tiring and leaves me with little energy to try and put into words what I can’t even figure out in my mind. Humph...
Welcome to all the newbies and again apologies for not mentioning you individually. My phone is a pain for checking back and forth between messages but I have read everyone’s posts and it saddens me that that there are so very many of us here now. But I hope you’ll feel very welcome and supported here, as I have for quite a while now. These are some amazing ladies here with excellent advice and some hilarious comments quite frequently too! I have laughed so much reading about the wankbadgery and the witty schemes the lovely girls here come up with of what they’d like to do or say at times!
@Emmerdaledramaqueen Your comment about the Paul McKenna book helping with the ruminating touched a nerve! I downloaded it this afternoon and have just listened to the audio. I would actually love to compare notes and what people think of/feel as they do! Not sure if here would be good or if PMs would be better suited so as not to derail the thread? Would appreciate your thoughts ladies!
I certainly found it very interesting and will definitely have another listen later. I was quite apprehensive, not sure if that’s just me? Kind of scared of the being talked to subconsciously and found the voices a little eery a couple of times. But overall, I’m surprised by some of what came to my mind and also the fact that I’m now wide awake when really I’d intended to take a nap after the session...
Going to make the most of this burst of energy and do some housework I’ve been putting off!
It’s so good to know you’re all there in the background!!! xxx

I would have made him leave with my boot attached to his bottom if I had known. But that’s me. Crossposted with @SuperbMonkey, and this is exactly the kind of witty evil that cheers me up and makes me love these women here even more!

I also find that listening to podcasts etc helps me to get off to sleep. I’m quite partial to audiobooks at the moment, girly novels work best for me. Feels a little like bedtime stories when you’re little! I never get very far, so I set the sleep timer to 30 mins or so and more often than not I only catch a handful of pages.
Anyway, I’m off to clean! xx

@Babe2807 sorry you have to be here. My kids are 6, 5 and 1, ex walked out 5 months ago when youngest was 11 months - it seems impossible that people are capable of doing this, of giving up and leaving, throwing years of life together in the bin, let alone with children, babies and pregnant wives in the mix, but you only need to read this thread to realise how depressingly common it is.

Look after yourself, get some real life support and talk talk talk. What you're doing through is horrendous. You are not alone and whatever we can do to support you, we're here.

xxx

@caketimeisover how have you coped?

I think that's our marriage over, he has no interest in trying to work through the problem. He just says its his fault and he doesn't see how we can change how he feels. He's going to stay at his mums from tomorrow but still wants to be around for the children. My children are 3 and 10m I never never thought this would happen to us, I wish I knew why.
I need to stay looking in to what help I'll be entitled to if any. I don't want to lose the house the children's sake. I'm so confused

@4piecesofCheeseontoast I feel for you. I'm exactly the same. I don't understand. With such small children. I can't stop crying. Let me know if you find any coping mechanisms or what you going to do.

@Babe2807 and @4piecesofCheeseontoast your at the very beginning of a hard journey so my advice would be to let the tears and emotion flow. We feel and do need to be strong to keep things relatively routine and normal for dcs but must also take time to express emotions that are natural and I give this advice as someone who didn’t I put my head down and powered through for 3-4 months and then crashed in quite a spectacular way that has forced me to be off work and re-evaluate my whole life and career. At this point I’m pretty sure it would have been better to have that collapse and emotion initially. Make use of this thread and the resources offered. @SoTiredTonight happy for you to pm to discuss the Paul McKenna stuff, it is a bit at first but does seem to make a real difference for me.
My positive for today is losing another pound in weight using fasting. No point in wasting that initial anxiety weight loss!!
Sleep well ladies

@Babe2807 now that is a question... This might be a long one...

One day at a time really. My ex had emotionally checked out, I was still on maternity leave so I was already doing everything - so in practical terms nothing changed when he left. And the kids keep you going, because even if your world has come crashing down, theirs hasn't and life needs to carry on as normally as possible for them.

A couple of weeks after he left, I realised that there was no point in talking to him any more. He couldn't give me any answers. I asked questions hoping that he'd show some understanding of what he'd done, offer some explanation, show some empathy but he couldn't help me and it was just driving me into the ground. So I stopped talking to him altogether. Email about the kids and the divorce, the occasional whatsapp about the kids when it was something immediate. Once I knew it was over and there was no going back, going as no contact as possible helped me detach from him and accept the situation. And time helps with that too. I decided not to let him anywhere near me emotionally any more, he doesn't get to see my hurt or feel sorry for me or whatever any more. Hopefully in time it will get easier and I'll relax and be able to interact with him again, but after what he's done I don't think I'll ever be friends with him or let him close.

I talked. God I have talked so much. I told my closest friends, and I also told people I didn't know so well, some of whom have now become my closest friends. People are amazing and lovely and they will want to be there for you. Some of them don't know how to help, but others will be there, on the end of the phone, checking you're ok, holding your hand while you cry, grabbing the phone off you to stop you sending a stupid "please don't leave me" messages... I have seen so much kindness since he left, it's been pretty humbling. Reach out and ask for help.

I accepted that some days I was useless. I went back to work from maternity leave about a month after he left and probably spent 80% of my time crying in the loos or over a cup of tea with a couple of really good friends there. I felt like I was failing at work as well as everything else, but I was honest about what was going on with my bosses and they were incredibly supportive.

I took control of what I could - so filed for divorce and started working through spreadsheets and finances. That's just me, but finding something practical to focus on really helped. And frankly I just don't want to be married to him any more, so want it done and dusted as quickly as possible.

I got referred for counseling and have had 4 months or so (just coming to an end). It has helped join some dots for me, and I've spoken about stuff there that I wouldn't necessarily want to dump on anyone else. It's been very helpful. My self esteem is totally knackered, rationally I know I'm ok, people like me etc etc, but this batters you and I think we're all struggling with that, feeling worthless and unloved and generally crap. I'm hoping that will improve with time.

I hate the "kids are resilient" thing - fuck that, a 4 year old shouldn't have to be resilient. But they will be ok. My older two have had a few wobbles, and I still get questions, but on the whole they've got used to the new normal and are young enough to accept things. Despite the awful shit my ex put me through, we've somehow managed to protect them from a lot of it by being consistent, coming up with a routine and making changes gradually. And my youngest will never know any different, it'll all just be normal. You don't know how you'll react under these kind of circumstances but I've never had the urge to use them against him, I would do anything to protect them and make sure that they grow up happy, secure and loved. I told the school what was happening and they were great at keeping an eye (and they providing some emotional literacy sessions when my middle one had a sad patch).

Chump lady said this thing about your heart being cracked open. That's really what it feels like, I can physically feel it. But when I'm with the kids, when we're mucking about and they're laughing and I'm laughing, my heart doesn't feel like that. My relationship with them is stronger, we're closer and I see them differently somehow. They're my gang, my team. I'm so very sad they're not going to grow up with a "normal" family, but if they can't have that they're going to have a strong, resilient, loving mum who will do everything and anything for them, and hopefully they'll be proud of me one day. We've also spent a lot more time hanging out with friends and family, so in a way I feel like we're growing our extended family - it's just he's not in it any more. One day, when they're old enough to know the truth, if they ask then they will find out about what their dad did, not because I want to punish him, but because I won't lie to them, and I don't want them to repeat his mistakes. They will learn from what's happened and be better, kinder people because of it.

There are so many horrible angles to it - the loss of a future, the betrayal (even if there is no OW, it's a betrayal), the loss of a best friend, the confusion at the person who is standing before you who doesn't bear any resemblance to the person you married... Why anyone would choose not to live with their babies it just so far beyond me I can't even think about it any more.

You just have to keep going. That's it really. It's the most horrendous, awful time, but you'll get through it because you have to. At the moment it's all a big gaping bloody wound. It will get better. Sometimes the scab will get knocked off and you feel like you're back at square one, bleeding all over the place, and I don't think the scars will always be there. But you will heal.

Also: wine, swearing/calling him a dickhead, comedy emojis and this thread.

Massive massive hugs to you and @4piecesofCheeseontoast. Keep posting for support, practical help or just ranting. We're here. xxx

Bloody hell. Sorry that was long!

Hi all, sorry I’ve been so quiet. I’ve just been reading all the post from the new people here. I’m so so sorry there’s so many of us. @Babe2807 and @4piecesofCheeseontoast My stbxh has done exactly the same 7 weeks ago. I have a 4 year old and 6 month old. I’ve taken control. It’s my only coping mechanism. The divorce is started and the family house sold. Fuck him. I will start a brand new future alone for now.
The best piece of advice I have is low contact and something @caketimeisover said - I have absolutely no eye contact. No meaningful looks over sad discussions. It’s given me so much power. Thank you @caketimeisover. It’s fucking hard though. All of it. xx

@caketime Amazing post! My situation is so different from yours and still you inspire me! I really hope - and believe - that @4piecesofCheeseontoast, @Babe2807, @frankiebabe, @thrivingnotjustsurving (welcome to you all again now that I’ve mentioned you by name! ) will find comfort and encouragement from you and all the others who have been so consistently open in sharing. Thank you!

@Emmerdaledramaqueen I agree with the initial LMAO!! And yes, would really like to PM! Anyone else feel free to PM anytime too of course!

I don’t have DCs but I know how much I love the DCs of my friends and family members, and it is so totally beyond me how these men can turn their backs not just on their wives but their own flesh and blood. And a lot of them so tiny... I know that if I had DCs I would protect them with my life and love them beyond all else, so WTF is wrong with these dickheads? Ah yes, dicks ruling heads in most cases probably. Wankers.
Much love to you all and have a restful sleep. I have a date with Paul McKenna! xxx

@Wineisafruit It’s good to see you and to hear you sounding so amazingly strong! ☺️ xxx

@caketimeisover - everything you’ve said is perfect. It’s exactly true. I’m living everything you’re writing. The bit about the children being your team, my children are my team. We are a unit now. Unshakable from anyone or anything else. The lack of answers, the Unfathomable idea of leaving your children. It’s all so true.

@Wineisafruit I was thinking about you and wondering how you were getting on! You have taken control and are totally AWESOME. Fuck him indeed. What a massive BELLEND. Oooo emoji? 🔔🔚!!

And yes you're so right about eye contact - I haven't looked at my ex for months, not even in mediation, when handing over the kids etc. No eye contact keeps him at a distance.

Oooo I forgot. Boundaries. Get some and put them firmly in place. Like no you can't keep coming in the house. No you can't come here X times a week. No we're not going to be friends. Whatever you need to do to protect yourself do it.

Just got home. There is a strange dripping noise in the attic. It sounds like water. I will seek advice from my neighbour tomorrow and if necessary do an attic explore. Scary but strangely exciting! Dripping water usually means leaking money. Well that’s par for the course while the cockwomble sits in his luxury pad feeling sorry for himself. He was always so useless at any kind of DIY or maintenance. Far too intelligent to spend his time on manual work. Perhaps it’s just a dead bat slowly rotting, or an ancient grandmother who hasn’t yet been discovered. I’ll start worrying if I hear a rocking chair noise ... 😱

Up at 5 today so must get some sleep. It’s wonderful to see all the support on here for the newbies. We are now a small movement against fuckwit men. We need a #. I’m too tired to think of one now.

Sleep well. I’m going to have to waterproof my suede suit for tomorrow. Perhaps some goretex wash in will do. Now I’m getting hysterical. Time for the Archers. xx

Boundaries are so important! I struggled with that massively. I thought if he saw me everyday and I made him laugh etc then he would realise but the truth is he won’t realise his MASSIVE mistake until he gets there himself. That may take years. I’m not going to sit around waiting. He can be a lonely, sad old man reminiscing about when he had it all. Meanwhile I will be on a cruise (Coronavirus permitting) sipping cocktails with my exceptionally rich and handsome second husband whilst my girls rule the world. @caketimeisover and @SoTiredTonight it’s genuinely lovely to talk to you again. Thank you for thinking of me. I forgot how powerful this thread is.

I’ll 3rd getting boundaries in place, as C low contact as possible and no bloody pick me dancing! New people don’t worry when you caught up in one of these phases we’ve all done some/all/ even more of them, the main thing is to remember this lovely supportive thread is here to handhold and support you through these times.
@SuperbMonkey wow a supremely early start and I vote #wankbadger can’t remember who said it first now but makes me chuckle every time I think of it x

No idea how to reply to you all. My phone doesn't like MN. Yes this thread is very informative (and others). I feel there's a big of white charger syndrome going on with mine. Well he can fuck it.. there's plenty of kudos to be had in being a decent supportive partner/husband instead of getting dragged into the OWs murky world. Had a laugh with friends tonight and it was a tonic. Sleep well everyone!