Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@caketimeisover
Thanks for the link. It's now on order! All these things help us a bit, don't they. I certainly benefitted from Finding My Anger in the first few weeks. There's going to come a point when we all feel a sense of calm and peace, maybe not all the time but just enough! 💐

Well ladies after having anxiety attacks and the worst week with sad news for me and dd today things have been a little brighter and I am now the sole owner of the house we live in!!! So excited that things have come through at last!
Hope everyone can find at least one positive in their day.

Catching up with you before I go to sleep. I’ve got a 5am start tomorrow and a very long day ahead. All good but my body is taking a while to get used to having to work again!

@caketimeisover, love the emoji fest. Chumplady is excellent today. Someone wondering whether to give her H a fourth chance (that she knows about) and he left her on one occasion when their newborn was in the baby intensive care unit. Hair-raisingly poor behaviour. Chumplady was blunt in her answer.

@Filly2011, I’m sorry to laugh but his answer is inane! I’m picturing him (don’t know what he looks like of course) sitting in his lonely space, surrounded by piles of orange 🐟 🖐 which are perilously close to their use by date (or perhaps best before) that he must eat or SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES WHICH WILL BE HORRIBLE. What a sad existence. I’m not sure that on this occasion he is insulting you. He sounds a bit 😜. I hope you can laugh about it, as it really is the most ridiculous of excuses. I can write a book about the times a haircut was used as an excuse by my STBXH. You’ve got lots of healthy, happy years to enjoy without him. He’s going to be full of E numbers by the sound of it.

@Bigpooh13, I’m laughing again. You offer him sex and he runs after he’s been pestering you. Seriously is there a college that they go to, to learn to be ridiculous. They are great big babies, and we have better, life-enriching things to be doing with our time.

@Feckthisshit2020, hope you’ve had a better day and that Paddington made it safely home from the excitement of World Book Day.

@Sadsammy, there’s a lot to be said for anger. I hope the chumplady book helps.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, many, many congratulations. You must be so happy, and I’m happy for you. I can’t wait for that day to come. A friend always reminds me that one day can make so much difference, both good and bad. What brilliant news to go to sleep on.

Have a good night Warriors. I’m still smiling about those fish fingers, sorry Filly xx

Morning all. Everyone’s slept well so no overnight posting. I’m running about today but will check in later. Another thread started today with a woman with children in a 10 year relationship, where the H is ‘unsure’ about their future and has been for a year without mentioning it! They are so entitled! Have a really excellent day xx

Good morning.
Been awake since 4 trying to figure out the best thing to do.
Realise that financially and practically prob best to reconcile. Won’t be lonely, doesn’t matter that I’m ageing, family will be intact, I’ll keep the stuff I’ve worked for for years, don’t have to agonise any more.
However to do that I have to accept what he’s done and agree that I contributed to it in some way, to be with someone mourning the loss of OW, agree to never bring up affair or OW, try to make own happy life in shadow of this.
No wonder every time I’m with him I need alcohol or Valium or antidepressants to bear it!

Sorry to bang on about myself. I’m just thinking aloud trying to make sense of it.
So the future is either pragmatic, practical Arrangement-type marriage or living alone.
Hmmm.

The women in the 10 year relationship with the unsure DH is me. So far today he's not spoken to me, he's just being normal. I'm fighting between breaking down and feeling angry. Never in a million years would I have thought this would happen to us, I had no idea. I have to work the next 3 days and I can't see how I'm going to hold it together.

@SuperbMonkey picture a thinning wrinkled bespectacled 61 year old man - good looking but rather cross looking - sitting in his plush flat eating fish fingers and drinking whisky. He might also be watching ITV3 and taking massive vitamin tablets (health anxiety) or perhaps working on his laptop (lots of grumpy sighing). He will also be doing lots of washing (machine always on) but no housework. He will definitely be gloomy and cross about something or ‘depressed’.
A catch eh?

@4piecesofCheeseontoast, welcome to the support group. I’m really sorry that you’re here but I hope we will be able to help you, even if only with a safe space to vent. We are in the same boat and you will see that we are all at different stages. We are dealing with entitled men, who feel able to say cruel things to us when we are vulnerable regardless of whether or not they mean what they say. You are vulnerable and he is being unkind. Sadly we have mostly found that the men say unkind words, then revert to being nice and lovely, then go back to being unkind again. There are a reasons why this might be, but I’m about to get off my train and won’t get into them now. Someone else will be along soon to give another perspective. @caketimeisover and @Emmerdaledramaqueen in particular. Xx

@Filly2011, your must be very tired. The choices look stark when presented like that. I don’t have the option of reconciling. I know that I wouldn’t be able to do so because the betrayal is so great. I know that I have faults but he would want me to accept that his behaviour was entirely down to me, which would damage my self-esteem even more than he’s damaged it already. But that’s just me without the option. Only you know where your future and happiness lie. 🤗

@filly. Are you seriously thinking about having him back. He loves another. Sorry to be harsh but did he mourn over you. Think about it.
Lonely n unhappy or unhappy ,stressed ,worried holding it together, lying .wondering what he is thinking all the time.
Sending you hugs.
Worst decision to make ever.

Have a great day @superbmonkey.

Sorry to newbie @cheese.

We are all destroyed by their behaviour. How can I help and what do you need

Hello, I'd like to join this thread with my optimistic new username! I'm a few weeks in, having been reading this thread this morning nodding away. I'm fine in the day time, keeping busy, having private counselling which is great (was anyway), but now back to struggling to sleep thinking about all the whys and the lies, and then having nightmares. I know it's all a necessary process but it's fucking exhausting!

He is no longer trying to pin anything on me - he spent months doing that, introducing weird revised narratives about our 3-decade relationship, all of which I corrected at the time. Of course he was in fact having a lengthy emotional affair, which I knew about to a large extent and to my shame did the pick-me dance and apparently lost.

There's something very tragic about these selfish, self-centred men who don't love their children enough to stay loyal. I cannot imagine being able to leave my kids.

I know 100% I am better off without him - and am thriving in many ways - but it still hurts, and it pisses me off that I have to use my time and energy on dealing with the fall out. More bloody wife-work!

@4piecesofCheeseontoast and @thrivingnotjustsurving welcome- sorry you’re here but it’s a lifeline.

@Filly2011 I’ve had the same thoughts - do I try and persuade him to come back knowing he’ll do it again just for some interim financial security and get through the early baby years? I don’t think I can live like that, or if he would actually come back, but i certainly understand the logic.

@SuperbMonkey Paddington made it back fine (minus a suitcase!) thank you for remembering. I hope your busy day is a good one. Another week down.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen congratulations!! That’s a massive achievement, well done.

Anyone got any tips for dealing with wedding anniversaries?

@4piecesofCheeseontoast I'm so sorry your here. I remember the abject terror, the sadness, the confusion... You don't deserve this.

Can you make a plan? What do you want? If you want to save the marriage, if you still love him, then state that clearly, say you are committed but really there's not much to talk about until he has made a choice - he either stays and commits to trying to fix things (get in touch with Relate) or he leaves. You can't work on a marriage if only one of you is trying (I read a lot of self-help books that state otherwise but it's nonsense).

Please don't let him string you along endlessly. I had 4 months of furious pick me dancing, sucking up all the "you did this wrong" he threw at me, trying to change myself to make him happy, terrible anxiety, weight loss and insomnia, squashing my own needs and I now see I let myself be completely emotionally abused. He finally admitted to an affair (starting before our third was born and carrying on the whole time, even while we were having marriage counseling), I pushed him to make a decision (he still didn't know what he wanted?!) and he left. I know I did everything I could to save our family and protect the kids, I showed nothing but love and commitment to him and because of that he really couldn't pin any of it on me (I think he wanted to keep the affair secret so he could say the separation was mutual or I kicked him out, then he wouldn't be the bad guy) - but I can see now that I didn't have any boundaries and I let him treat me like crap. I barely recognised myself by the end. So please please look after yourself. It hurts to hear "you will be ok if he leaves" because you don't want to hear that that's even a remote possibility... But if he does leave, you will be ok. I promise. This is the worst time of your life but you will get through it. Do what's right for you, your family and the kids, but don't let yourself be abused, you are worth so much more than that.

We're here for you! Massive hugs and a hand hold xxx

@Feckthisshit2020 well for my anniversary this year I'm hoping I'll have the financial order in place by then so I can press the big button and finalise the divorce. Nice way to round off ten years of marriage, with a decree absolute... Although I can't work out if that's really dark and twisted?!

I think you need to be with people. Can you keep yourself busy and organise something with some friends/family as a distraction? It's going to be horrible, I wonder if it's best to largely ignore it (either that or have some big symbolic bonfire?!)

@thrivingnotjustsurving absolutely yes to this:

There's something very tragic about these selfish, self-centred men who don't love their children enough to stay loyal. I cannot imagine being able to leave my kids.

I think that's what makes it completely and utterly unfathomable. And the bit about dealing with the fallout, I'm so annoyed that he's still occupying so much of my time, my emotions and my brain. GET OUT GET OUT.

Sorry you're here but you sound strong and awesome, so glad you found this lovely thread xxx

@4piecesofCheeseontoast have read part of your thread. My situation is a bit similar in that I did most of the looking after all the family including exh. You say he doesn’t know whether he wants the relationship to work and sadly this often means that he already knows he wants to leave but wants the narrative to be that you are the instigator in the marriage ending. It is truly devastating at the time however if it comes to parting you may find that you cope with the household because your already doing it (you’ll have 1 less dependant to look after). Emotionally it’s a different story and much like a bereavement with various stages. Take steps to protect yourself and I advise everyone now to ensure that if the relationship is to be worked on be clear both of you do the work as you alone cannot save your relationship.

In my case I believe there wasn’t a physical affair but certainly an emotional one that let him down in the end, however, if he loves himself more than you it won’t work out longer term. I’m now 5-6 months in and still have periods of anxiety and missing the old him same as others on the thread but actually do t miss the critical, narky parts of him. I have had to do some hard work around property and contact with dd but me taking control of the situation helped immensely. We also do stupid things like try to save the relationship all by ourselves or do the pick me dance, send and regret sending messages. I have even slept with my exh since splitting but the wonderful warrior ladies on this thread offer/get support at various times and it’s astonishing how similar each situation is although widely different. @SuperbMonkey is a fabulous lady who checks and posts on this thread everyday so even when you don’t feel up to posting you can still gain some comfort. I have also found some wonderful advice including recommendations for books, links etc. So please use this thread as you need it’ll help give some sanity in your down, confused times and you will help others in your more positive times.

May we all find a positive in today x

@caketimeisoverA resource I am using at the minute and making a huge difference is the Paul McKenna book I can mend your broken heart, about £5 comes with a cd or audio code to some mind programming resource and am finding it really useful in stopping the incessant thinking and ruminating about exh, has also helped me halt the urge to do the pick me dance! @caketimeisover don’t know if you have considered it.

Don’t know why it didn’t tag @thrivingnotjustsurving in that last post

@Feckthisshit2020 If I was feeling mean I would send dh a mahoosive anniversary card and write ‘thanks for being such a shit and ruining this anniversary, all the ones to come and the thought of all the ones we’ve had. Nice job’
But probably better to ignore it and buy yourself some cake and perfume.

@4piecesofCheeseontoast I feel for you. It’s such a horrible thing to hear and it robs you of all power so your self esteem gets horribly bashed and you end up a nervous wreck at the mercy of his moods and whims.
What do I wish I had done when I was told by dh he was having affair and marriage on rocks? I wish I had done nothing, just stayed silent, withdrawn from it all, concentrated on giving myself strength while I worked out what to do.
Of course you can’t do any of this because you are shocked and blindsided.
But just realise - this is NOT of your doing. It’s all down to him and his inadequacy. It’s unfair because he’s dumped it all on you to deal with. Remember this.
Do you have a friend you can tell? Or family? You need some support.
Hugs x

@4piecesofCheeseontoast you poor thing, we will be as much help as possible. As others have said on your thread, when a DH says this, it mostly does mean just one thing.

Go hour by hour - what are you doing today? If you're at work, can you be 'ill' this afternoon and go home? Do you have the chance to do a little private snooping? Presumably so little has been said to you by DH that you do want to have some further discussion. But arm yourself with the first bit of warrior-wear: He may not admit anything other than his 'unhappiness' as he probably wishes to come out of this 'an innocent party'.

Of course, it may be we're wrong and this is not the case at all, but wise for you to at least be aware.

I was due to work this afternoon but I've called in, they know the situation and they are fine with it. I've spoken to my parents who are livid, my MiL who is as upset and confused as I am and a couple friends. I can't work out what happened or when, if anything? Id like to work through this and hope it's a bad blip. I don't know what to think or feel right now. Thank you everyone for your messages. I appreciate all your advice Xx

Hi ladies just came upon this group by accident and so glad I did, , the advice and support is great and just what I need after my husband of 25 years has told me the spark has gone from our relationship and he wants to go out and have fun and he had done his bit bringing up our three DS's and now it's time for him! Have to say has knocked me for six as although I didn't think relationship was perfect I still didn't ever think it could end! It smacks of mid life crisis Ans we are going to counselling to try and sort it but I don't feel very optimistic at the moment because it seems it's me that is trying to make effort to change things at the moment and all he keeps saying is he is unhappy, all very difficult!

www.instagram.com/p/B9ZIb4TpzNp/?igshid=k9lq1a3tsvhi

What a lot of activity on here today. Welcome to our new arrivals, @thrivingnotjustsurving and @frankiebabe. We are sorry that you are in the position of joining this elite club of Warrior Women, but pleased to have you with us.

@Bigpooh13, you are not destroyed by his behaviour, but have got stronger and stronger. I know what you mean but you are definitely very much alive and kicking. Thanks for the link which I will look at when I’m on my way home later. 🏋️‍♀️

Thriving, you’ve had a 3 decade relationship and you are only a few weeks in, and you already sound sparkly and optimistic! You are Mighty indeed. Yes most of us have been through the ‘its all your fault’ routine, not that they bothered to mention that at the time. Heaven forbid that anyone should stand in the way of the adoration from the affair partner. I totally agree with you about the loyalty and about having to do all this extra procedural work to sort things out , while they ask ‘how long’s it going to take’. Big welcome 🤗

@Feckthisshit2020, it was a pleasure to remember. I had a whole load of headworking from my STBXH at the time of our anniversary. I kicked him in to touch and went away to friends. I cried a lot and they looked after me. I think that you just have to chew through it the best you can, knowing that this one will be the worst. 💗

@caketimeisover, I knew you’d give good advice. What you say to thriving is exactly right. After 26 years and at my advanced age, I thought for a while that I would die without him. I was so wrong. None of this is pleasant, or easy but it won’t kill us. We will emerge wiser and stronger. You’re not dark and twisted but very, very clear sighted and sane. And very supportive and kind 😘

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, more brilliant advice! Thanks for the kind words. Today I feel quite fab because I have a lovely new dress on 😀 I am definitely going to have to investigate Paul McKenna. 🤗

@Filly2011, I’ve got a much better picture of your H now! We’ve been here before but we did marry the same man! Mine says he’s younger than 61, and, apart from watching ITV3, and doing any washing at all, they are the same person. Might have been a catch once but not any more. If I were you I’d leave that particular fish finger in the sea of his luxury pad for now. Great advice again 😘

@thegrassisgreenernow, even more great advice. There’s so much wisdom and every day I learn something new to get me through. Perhaps we should get together and write a book like chumplady (although we have stolen many of her ideas, sorry, implemented). 💪

@4piecesofCheeseontoast,I hope you can work this out with him. Sending you warm thoughts and lots of luck in support xx

@frankiebabe, what a selfish person he is. The cheek of him! I’m angry on your behalf. Good luck with the counselling though. It could help, so stay optimistic while always putting your needs first. Too many of us here have always put our husband’s needs first, at our own expense. I’m now focusing on me. 🤗

Hope the emojis don’t offend anyone. Have a good rest of the day. Love xx