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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Some Friendly Words - Support Group

951 replies

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies · 02/02/2020 19:34

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

OP posts:
Bigpooh13 · 04/03/2020 20:55

@emmerdaledramaqueen. I really feel for you what a twat no support there then. Hows that gonna feel gor her. Shit the bed . Please let us know how it goes. Mine didnt tell his kids until a month after he had left. But I had already told his eldest daughter as we were very close not know I'm sad to say.
@feckthisshit . Well that says it all gone to the pub. Arsewipe.

caketimeisover · 04/03/2020 21:19

@Feckthisshit2020 the fact you are even thinking about Paddington hats with everything that's going on makes you fricking amazing!

So is he still moving out?!

Feckthisshit2020 · 04/03/2020 21:25

@caketimeisover yep, weekend apparently

SuperbMonkey · 04/03/2020 21:28

@Feckthisshit2020, I admire your ingenuity in using a Santa hat to make a Paddington hat. I don’t know how you all cope with having to be a mother and creative and work and do everything in the house. Heros!

You will make the right decision for you, DC, and little DC. Gone down the pub! Perhaps he’s going to start his campaign to change tomorrow, or the day after, or next week .... Have a good night’s sleep because you deserve it after all that artistic effort. 🛏

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, I’m sorry to read that you are reacting to the strain but glad that you are having a rest. Mine does the whole ‘I care’ theatrics, but his actions show that he doesn’t. Appearing not to care for the DC is shocking. It’s beyond selfish. Ah well, the karma bus comes when the DC don’t want anything to do with him and he wonders why. You are being a fantastically supportive mother and that’s probably what your daughter needs right now. 🤗

@caketimeisover, words of wisdom as always. What would we do without you being further down the path and so Mighty. 💪

@Bigpooh13, it sounds as if you’ve recovered your FO face. You are going to be so fine. I’m confident. 😘

Sleep well everyone. xx

caketimeisover · 04/03/2020 22:10

@Feckthisshit2020 I was reading the chump lady book again this morning (I read it a LOT) - have a read of the bit about reconciliation, think it's spot on just in terms of what you need to see if someone is genuinely remorseful. You're doing so well, and I'm sure having a bit of space from him will be good for you (if he ever actually leaves...) Big making-world-book-day-costumes-sucks hugs!

@Emmerdaledramaqueen I don't get how they can just turn away from the kids. You're awesome and you are there no matter what. Your daughter can see that. @Superbmonkey is right about that karma bus coming for him. Knobhead.

@Superbmonkey, hope you enjoyed your takeaway! I seem to end most of my sentences with swear words these days, I do find it helps!

Errr gaaahhhh see now I've said that I'll have to do it now. ASSHOLES!

Emmerdaledramaqueen · 04/03/2020 22:59

@caketimeisover just wanted to say Thank you for your post, oh and I also swear a lot but trying to tone it down!
Sleep well ladies

Sadsammy · 04/03/2020 23:20

@Caketimeisover is the Chump book worth getting? How is it different to reading articles on her website?
You've all had eventful days. Maybe Chump Lady could have been the World Book Day costume? I've visited a friend and had lunch out then my nails done while avoiding the fucker collecting his stuff. Left it in the garden for him to get. You'll be pleased to know I refrained from doing my rude labelling.

caketimeisover · 04/03/2020 23:32

@Sadsammy yes definitely get the book! The articles pull from bits of the book, it's all similar stuff but the book is amazing, bit of a survival handbook. I keep going back to it, I've got bits highlighted and everything. So a very good investment!

Well done on refraining from the rude messages... it would have been good though wouldn't it?! Wanker. (See I did it again!)

Filly2011 · 04/03/2020 23:49

@Sadsammy go you for not putting messages. It’s far more hurtful without them.

I’ve had a sad evening. Lecture, then introduced to lecturer’s nice wife (looked a bit like OW but she couldn’t help that).
Then dinner with old friends without dh. Very sad. Feel like spare part.

caketimeisover · 04/03/2020 23:58

@Filly2011 looks at what you've done! Loads! You win. But here's a handhold. I've been sad a lot recently too. This sucks. But one day at a time xxx

Sadsammy · 05/03/2020 07:01

My daughter phoned last night and gave me a bit of a peptalk. One thing she said was this: You need to stop thinking about this as the end of things but the beginning of your next chapter. I like it!

SuperbMonkey · 05/03/2020 08:09

Morning everyone, all you night owls and early birds! Hopefully all the World Book Day outfits are complete and will be on their way to school in a short time. I hope they all have a lovely day. It’s a brilliant idea. Reading is a complete joy and a comfort in both happy and difficult times.

@caketimeisover

I get so much support from chumplady. When I waver I look at an archive story or comments under the latest post and it fires me up. It helps me to find my anger. I think I may invest in the book too. At the start I didn’t know about the affair and he has never told me about it, just continual denials even when the evidence is staring him in the face. Chumplady helped me to realise that I wasn’t alone and to understand a bit of what was going on. Some of the women, in particular, had survived horrendous situations and that helps with hope. It certainly worked for you too!

My takeaway was delicious, as was my strawberry salts bath and face mask! Frugal delights (not the takeaway).

Cake and @emmerdaledramaqueen, I swear a lot too, but I am trying to tone it down. Sometimes only a fuckwit will do 😀

@Sadsammy, your day sounds perfect for what you were facing, and your lovely nails will remind you of how Mighty you are. The tool has taken his tools - that’s rude enough! Your daughter is a wise woman.

@Filly2011

Going back to friends, dinners, houses, where you went with H is sad. My CBT course has taught me that doing this is important. It’s gradual, gentle, exposure to the situation creating the emotion. The strength of the emotion gradually diminishes with increased exposure. It has to be gentle and gradual exposure though. That dinner will have been a forward step even if it doesn’t feel like it. Can you tell us what the lecture was about or would that be outing?

I’ve got a very busy day today, but will catch up when I can. Stay strong Warrior Women, even if you feel sad - you can be both xx

Emmerdaledramaqueen · 05/03/2020 09:10

Arghh, all the talk about world book day and I forget to tell dd to take her favourite book! Oh well I remembered the Fair trade event. Feeling a little low and anxious today but have plans to meet a few friends and then back to the Paul McKenna book that is surprisingly helpful initially.
Have a good day warriors x

Sadsammy · 05/03/2020 09:38

Can you buy Chump lady in paperback? It's only coming up as kindle when I search Amazon.

Filly2011 · 05/03/2020 12:15

Hello ladies. Lecture was about anthropology and islands. Interesting.
Have done terrible thing. Was texted politely by dh. I answered. Ended up asking him to meet me. Now he’s ignoring me.
WHY did I do this? Now I feel worse than before as he obvs now got upper hand.

Emmerdaledramaqueen · 05/03/2020 13:10

@Filly2011 I’m sure lots of us have done this. I know it’s easy to say but try not to dwell on it. He doesn’t have the upper hand if you treat it like a request and take the learning that this man isn’t the man you thought he was. I bet if he had agreed and you’d met up with him you’d feel even worse now. Take some time to remember the awful way he has treated you and ask yourself if this is the man you want to meet with.

I know it’s hard as I have really struggled to take off my rose tinted glasses but this technique is helping.
Look after yourself

SuperbMonkey · 05/03/2020 13:10

@Filly2011, that sounds really interesting. I did some anthropology at university. It’s fascinating.

But what are we going to do with you. 🤦‍♀️ He’s hoovering you in by being polite, you respond, and he hurts you by ignoring you. This man knows how to press your buttons after all your years together. Mine does the same with me. My tactic now is to surprise him by doing the exact opposite to what he expects. He is then wrong-footed and starts to wobble. You don’t need him; you do need to focus on your own best interests. Pain shopping is going to make you feel worse, and that’s what you’re drawn into doing because you have hopium. You might even feel sorry for him. Don’t! He didn’t feel sorry for you when he was having sex with his soulie and he would have left you if she had returned his love without a backwards glance. That’s what happened to me because soulie is giving him his kibbles.

We love you and want you to have a fantastic life. xx

caketimeisover · 05/03/2020 13:10

@Filly2011 don't beat yourself up. Another one to put in the fuck-it bucket! You'll remember this next time. Maybe make a rule not to reply to his text messages for a certain period of time so that when you do reply you've had a chance to breathe and formulate a response?

@Sadsammy you can get the paperback on Amazon, try this: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0762458968/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_IFpyEbZS6BW79?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Chump Lady is on fire today, my new favourite name call is "a bag of flaming dog shit". Oooo that can go in my library of emoji swears:
👜🔥🐕💩 - Bag of flaming dog shit
💩👜 - Shit bag
🦆👦🏼 - Dick head (had to get creative with that one)
🍔📴 - Bugger off. May be used in front of any of the others to make a complete sentence!

caketimeisover · 05/03/2020 13:11

So next time @Filly2011 use one of those instead of words!!

caketimeisover · 05/03/2020 13:11

Just gave myself the giggles quite badly. I need to get out more.

Filly2011 · 05/03/2020 13:22

He has now answered me to say he can’t meet as he’s having a haircut and he’s not interested in eating with me as he has a lot of fish fingers to finish up 🤮
Basically he’s insulting me.

Feckthisshit2020 · 05/03/2020 13:34

@caketimeisover - thank you, again! Needed to read chumplady today. New mantra- actions not words, alongside do not engage!

Feeling exhausted today.

Filly2011 · 05/03/2020 13:40

@caketimeisover thanks for useful emoji swearing

@SuperbMonkey thanks for reminder That he’s not actually a nice man with my best interests at heart.

I could kick myself now. I WAS feeling sorry for him. I thought - he’s all alone there in his flat, he’s been screwed over by OW, etc etc Maybe we don’t have to be unpleasant to each other.

What was I thinking!! The no contact is so hard. But I think it’s mainly habit. I’ve known him for 40 years this November. I can’t believe he’s done this at our time of life. Why for Gods sake it’s not as if we’ve got many happy healthy years ahead of us to enjoy!

Feckthisshit2020 · 05/03/2020 14:05

@filly2011 that’s the tough one to remember though isn’t it. They aren’t who we thought they were. They haven’t been for YEARS. They have been playing with us. We are not meaningful to them.

Bigpooh13 · 05/03/2020 15:00

@filly. Dont worry about asking him to meet you. I called mine out once as he kept trying to have sex with me so I offered it and he ran. It was horrible.
I want to see him and I feel gud afterwards and then I just bloody dreadfull later.
If you do meet him just be aware you will feel crap later.
They live the sympathy and the worry we still have for them.
But he does not have the upper hand.

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