Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@Bigpooh13, thanks for the quote which is very applicable. Yes once the adrenaline of the meeting fell away I felt/feel quite flat. I am nobody except my own’s priority. I need to toughen up and think about what a wreck he looked. He is so arrogant with no obvious reason. Patronising me. Yuck 🤢 xx

I keep up with the thread but rarely post but just wanted to acknowledge I'm having a rubbish day. Rubbish day where the mind plays tricks and is telling me I wasn't good enough and that I could have done more. I know its not about me, not a reflection of me but my mind is attempting to trick me! My life is still rich with friends, family, our children. His is not. Divorce has started, I drive it and want it done. So many good things but a day its a foggy day in my thoughts.
I enoy reading all your comments, you all give me strength. Thank y ou and keep posting!

@newuser000, welcome to our friendly thread. I’m so glad that you get some comfort from reading the posts. We are all dealing with our different situations as best we can. None of us want to be here, but here we are! Rubbish days are rubbish. I’m sure that you were more than good enough (men often trade down from strong women to adoring women in these situations). Your world sounds very life enhancing and fun. Starting a divorce is not easy, but once done, the only way is up to a new life. Inevitably though sad days come along. They have to be got through. Keep reading and take care of yourself. The fog will clear soon xx

@Bigpooh13 that quote is spot on.

The point is that no one knows how long it will take someone else to recover from betrayal. Apparently on average it takes 2 years to get over it. Some people take much longer.

I am 9 months from disclosure day and I was doing ok(ish) until couples counsellor decided to share with me that dh had told him still in love with ow, is so sad about losing her back to her husband. Right back to square one for me. Pain indescribable.

DH furious with me for not being positive, for being stuck in a loop, for interrogating him like a policewoman, for mentioning OW (all his words).
Also He has now increased length of his marital unhappiness to last 30 years.

I wish I could stop being miserable about this. I feel damned if I leave damned if I stay. Also every time I ‘ offend’ him I feel so weak and pathetic afterwards. Like I should apologise and explain.
It’s awful. Why can’t I escape him?
Sorry to vent. Xx

@Filly2011, just popping on quickly to say that I understand. I saw mine recently after a long break. I didn’t find him attractive any more. He looked like one of his relatives who I cannot stand. This made it easier. The crap around why he left, the continual denial of the affair, lying in my face, are hard to bear. I believe that not having anything other than limited contact by email has helped me to get to a far from perfect but acceptable place. Also starting divorce proceedings so that I got some control back. I agree that we don’t know how long it takes for each person to recover. Having more than one ‘DDay’ is painful too (worse the second time). Your H does sound impossible. A bit like mine he is indulging himself in adolescent yearning and juvenile pining. You are doing the adulting here, so no wonder you are miserable. If you go no contact with him and leave (from recollection you have your own house, but I could be wrong) things may improve. Feeling weak and pathetic and wanting to apologise and explain may indicate that your H has quite a lot of control over you. I didn’t realise how much control mine had over me until I had not seen him for a couple of months. I think you can escape, whether permanently or temporarily, by ceasing contact of any sort, unless about legal proceedings. It’s hard I know. I feel very sad about divorcing my H because he was mine, I adored him, and he was the love of my life until he wasn’t. Now he’s a man who looks like a disliked relative. I keep imagining facing that in 10 years time! I’m still sad but stoical. 🤗

Well done Supberb. You dont find him attractive anymore. That's a start. I still have the feelings but less contact is working for me. 3ven though I want more contact it doesnt help me.

Thanks @SuperbMonkey and congratulations on achieving physical distaste! It must help a lot.

I am still a bit attracted (unless he is wearing particular marks and spencer jacket) but I shouldn’t be.

I will have to go the way of you and Pooh - little to no contact. It’s so hard though.

@Filly2011 and Bigpooh13, no contact is so hard. I am already unsettled by having to have contact over legals. I have to keep thinking about the physical distaste and that this will be over soon and I will never have to see him again. I agree with you that none of this is easy. It’s ok for people to say they just fall out of love with you, but the damage to your self-esteem is off the scale. I don’t know what I did wrong except that I wasn’t as good as some ex long distance girl friend who he had dumped twice 27 years ago and who is his soulmate which I never was and he won’t admit the affair. I’m sobbing my heart out again. What’s wrong with me. He’s a shit. xx

@Filly2011 and Bigpooh13, no contact is so hard. I am already unsettled by having to have contact over legals. I have to keep thinking about the physical distaste and that this will be over soon and I will never have to see him again. I agree with you that none of this is easy. It’s ok for people to say they just fall out of love with you, but the damage to your self-esteem is off the scale. I don’t know what I did wrong except that I wasn’t as good as some ex long distance girl friend who he had dumped twice 27 years ago and who is his soulmate which I never was and he won’t admit the affair. I’m sobbing my heart out again. What’s wrong with me. He’s a shit. xx

Sorry it posted twice.

Ooh Supberb. Theres nothing wrong with you. You are crying coz you give a shit. You have invested your life into someone. I know exactly how you feel. I cant get my head around being with someone every day for 19 years and then they have just gone and fallen in love with an ex of 27 years how can you not have an attachment to the that person. The one that has looked after and loved you. What happens to their memories. I dont believe the love just stops .

You are feeling this way as you have had contact and he isnt the same person. Even though you think you are not attracted to him you probably still live the person he waz as I do. And now the contact is just about what we can get out of each other and mind games .
The do not dictate our lives anymore. They are not going to ruin us. And they are not going to break us.
,arsewipes.

Hello lovely Warriors.

I have read every post, but can't possibly try and reply to everything this time - will probably break the internet, as well as boring you all to tears.

Do want to say hello to new people joining- I'm sad you're here, but this is the most wonderful and supportive group, so I hope you will gain comfort.

Big fistbumps to all the positive news (interview sounded very promising @SuperbMonkey, and 'yay' to fab hair @Bigpooh13) and hugs and commiserations to everyone feeling down.

I'm in a weird place at the moment. Definitely having a bit of a slump. Largely NC with H now, haven't spoken since the finance conversation a couple of weeks ago, just had a few emails. The last couple of times I've had to speak with him I've found myself very anxious and hot and prickly - almost panicky.The idea of seeing him when he finally comes to get is stuff is not something I am looking forward too. It's been 4 months since I last saw him. I am hoping the attraction is gone when I do - funnily enough, Superb, the last time he was beginning to look worryingly like his dad, which is definitely not a look to stir the loins!

But the weird bit is that whereas before I definitely had the Hopium, I see to have two parallel trains of thought running at all times. There is a part of me that knows, absolutely, that he will be back. It's not hope, it's a dead certainty. But at the same time, another part of me knows for absolute definite that he won't and it is definitely over.

I know which one I 'believe', but I can't seem to get the other thought out of my head. Hope I could dismiss, but this is proving hard to shift. Most odd.

I also find myself pitying him a fair bit. He is in a shit financial position, job is awful, and don't believe anything else is particularly sunny. And it's all of his own making.

Knowing that you've made a mistake, knowing you've trashed the best relationship with the best person you've ever had, but not having the courage to face what you've done must be really shit.

My conscience is clear, I have nothing to be ashamed of, I have a wonderful relationship with my children, a decent job with lovely coworkers and lovely friends and family.

And I have the amazing support and kindness here with you all.

I know who I'd rather be, even if I am sad at the moment.

Well done @smallboxofchoc.
I know what you mean about the hoppium. I have this gut feeling that we arent done yet. But he is living with shrek so I know it's over but there is just this feeling. But then we arent done as not started the divorce yet. No contact helps but I really wanna see him but dont weird feeling.
I too thinks he looks like his dad now.

@Bigpooh13, thanks for your encouraging words. I’m making something to eat in case I’m hungry and that’s causing the crying. I do love the man he was, but he doesn’t even look like him anymore. He looks jowly, and grey, and miserable (that’s an act for me to make me feel sorry for him). It’s probably a reaction to a massive adrenaline rush and then fall away of adrenaline. I’ve had quite an intense day today. xx

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, so good to hear from you. I’m waiting on three interview outcomes at the moment. I’ve just contacted someone about another lead. I need more jobs!

I’m sorry that you are slumping at present, but completely understand why. The symptoms you describe on calling him are definitely anxiety. I learnt about them on my CBT course and I quite often suffer from the same. My time lapse of not seeing or speaking to him was 4 months too. He did look diminished and his refusal to admit the affair is frustrating. He’d prefer me to think it’s my fault. On that basis why am I divorcing him on behaviour grounds? He could have divorced me if he’s telling the truth. Now he’s all, rush, rush, when will it be done. My experience tells me that it’s better to be out when they get their stuff (after hiding financial stuff).

I did have the certainty that he would come back but I was wrong. I hope you are right, Bunnies, if that’s what you want. Yes, I pitied mine and I had to force that thought away to remember how cruelly he has treated me. He presented as so miserable. Fortunately he was aggressive when talking about money and that helped. I’m sure that mine’s quite happy with his juvenile relationship for now. Once the divorce is over, every time he has a row with her, he will throw at her ‘look what I gave up for you’. I, too, have nothing to be ashamed of despite his best efforts to make me feel like crap. What’s that quote ‘you are only as small as other people make you feel’. Well I feel a bit small this evening.

Wishing Big and Bunnies and everyone else much love. I am glad that you are here for support when it’s needed. xx

@Superbmonkey
Firstly, sending you a massive virtual hug. You're so supportive of us all and so positive and now you've dipped. I think a few of us have. What's with this week? It really sounds like he's having a midlife crisis. Well let him get on with this sad, pitiful phase of his life. You're so much better than him. It's definitely good that you are physically repulsed by him(I'm working on that one!). I too have dipped a bit today. I saw the OW had changed her FB image and, even though I think she's ugly, she's younger than me and he's older than me so that has to be a kick in the teeth when your self-esteem is battered already. He's coming to remove car bits and pieces and toolboxes this week and thinks I'm going to be here when he does but I'm going to leave them on the drive. Thinking of labelling them with words like wanker, cxxt, any thoughts? Too far? Instead I'm planning a pampering day, nails and toes. Keep your chin up and pour a glass or buy some chocolates or put a film on that will distract you from your own personal fucker. Whatever floats your boat. I've just poured a glass to drink with you.

@Sadsammy, ah, thank you. Virtual hug back. I’ve cheered up a bit after something to eat and a text chat with my next door neighbour. I forgot to make sure that I recognised when I was tired or hungry, or overwhelmed. The signs crept up and I didn’t take enough notice. Yes, it is a midlife crisis. His loss! Sammy, they always trade down. Age tends not to matter as far as I can tell. It’s the adoration they’re after. Your idea of leaving his stuff on the drive with rude notes is a good one. No, my head is saying ‘keep your dignity, he’s not worth lowering yourself for’. Pampering day is good! I’m all for extra beauty treatments and hair styling to make us feel wonderful. I might book a facial for the weekend. Actually I’ve got a face mask to use too. I’ve got a lovely turmeric tea (had a glass of wine at lunch with a friend from the Freedom Programme). I’ve got a choice of viewing: The Split or Liar? Both apt. Cheers! xx

The Split is great. I've watched all of it. You think I'd be lowering myself if I wrote the rude notes? Friends have given me mixed responses and one gave me apt suggestions! Trading down is a good description of her. It sounds snobby of me but I've seen the messages. I've seen him lower his handle on the English language to message like she does. Maybe she thinks she's a teenager? I've also seen the White Knight comments and I think he might fall into that category too. Enjoy your planned pampering! 💐

I agree midlife crisis, trading down , adoration.
I left more in his stuff but it was more like reminders, I put in a list of all the places we had been. Little things we did together.
I gave him an album of our wedding photos and he was scared said he would have to hide them as she was burning anything with me on and anything that belonged to us.
He seems scared of her , probably doesnt want her to find out what a cheating , lying twat he is.
All contact with me and his visits he has to hide them and has excuses to where he is. Lies on the phone if anyone rings him. Lovely .

I engaged and lost my mighty 😞

@Sadsammy, it’s more about keeping your dignity! I watched all of The Split too (trying to make sense of Liar at time of typing). I wept buckets at the very last scene. Yes the messages in my H’s case were sweary, sexual and looked like they been written by a hormonal 15 year old boy not a man in his 50s. She’s in her 50s too. One might expect better!

@Bigpooh13, lies and more lies. How do they live with themselves. Easily apparently.

@Feckthisshit 2020, what did you do? Come on you can tell us. We won’t judge because we’ve probably done it ourselves. 😀

@superbmonkey got angry and weepy and now he’s not speaking to me and I feel shit.

@feckthisshit2020 you are ALLOWED to get angry and weepy when someone is treating you so badly.
I hate this rubbish they come out with about your reaction is what’s affecting everything not their frankly shitty behaviour.
Them getting angry just deflects blame on to you.

Someone advised me not to have anything to do with dh “it’s like sticking your hand in the blender” I ignored them. Cue bloody stump.

We have to be strong and just not engage with them.

@Feckthisshit2020, that’s ok. You’ve got feelings and you’re pregnant and he’s treated you appallingly. Angry and weepy is fine. He’ll have to man up and deal with the consequences of his actions. You do not exist to make his world a comfortable place. It won’t do him any harm to see you angry and weepy. Him not speaking to you is a blessing in disguise and gives you a chance to regroup. Don’t worry, get some sleep, and ignore him for now. 🤗

Feckthisshit. About time. You are allowed to have feelings. Let it out the more the better . What difference does it make. Try not to think I if his feelings hes treating you like pooh

He needs to know. Let him.sulk at your honesty.

www.instagram.com/p/B9KieXwgXTW/?igshid=313i07c88f3d

Sorry another one . But its him.
It's my husband .