Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@filly. I hope her husband is so proud of her. Public display great.
Poor guy must be suffering. She is a monster.

@Bigpooh13 public display a poke in the eye for my dh I think - and also for me (although not sure I deserve one).
The event is something her dh would normally do alone, but this time is collaborative with her, with big fanfare about their life together, had children 30 years ago, all the places they’ve lived etc. Etc.
Mutual friends and acquaintances will have gone and sucked up the message I guess.
V. humiliating for my dh who has told people his affair with her was so important the ending of it gave him a nervous breakdown.
Honestly it would be funny if it wasn’t so horrible for me )don’t care about him).
Nice to see her life intact though while ours is in pieces.

@thegrassisgreenernow has a great plan there. Make a plan for yourself while he is in the house, will help you feel at least a bit more in control.

Have you spoken to him directly about this? Calmly and clearly explain that you're finding all of this very difficult and stressful, and in order to look after your children and unborn child you need to take care of yourself - so it would greatly help if there were some clearer boundaries in place.

1. When he is in the house, he is not to go in your bedroom. Anything that is his can be moved elsewhere, but you need a safe space so he is not to go in there unless explicitly invited by you. Use a different bathroom please.
2. You need to arrange a schedule for when he will come to see the kids once he has left. Having a regular predictable routine is important for the kids more than anything else so they know what's going on when. Him coming and going is confusing and unsettling for them, and given how strained things are between the two of you it is best for the children not to have to see that.
3. Once he has left whenever possible he is to see them elsewhere (ie pick up at the door). If this isn't possible you can facilitate the visit at your house but only if convenient for you.
4. When he leaves he needs to give you back the key. You can't have him coming and going however he likes, it's not appropriate. You are separating, it is not normal to go in and out of each other's homes (when you get your own place he's not going to have a key, you're not going to have a key to his place, this is no different). This doesn't mean it's not legally his house any more, it is, but it's no longer his home. If he won't agree to this then he needs to at least agree to not letting himself in. He must stick to the agreed schedule in terms of when he comes and goes, and he must ring the bell not let himself in.

If you don't think you can do it face to face could you write him an email? Might be easier to lay it all out calmly. And if he's then unreasonable about it you've got it in writing (no idea if that's useful or not, but proof he's been a wanker while you've been reasonable).

God it's awful. If he was a half decent human being he would have some empathy and do the right thing. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this. But I think you need to dig deep, find some strength and say "no more". Put reasonable boundaries in place. Make plans for yourself when he's around to look after the kids. If he doesn't stick to the boundaries then... I'm not sure. Time to get more legal advice. But you've got to try. Massive hug xxx

Hi everyone. I’m so proud of the way everyone has supported @Feckthisshit2020. This is the most supportive thread of warrior women. No bitching, no put downs, just kind, loving support. It’s a privilege to know all of you. It has enriched my life in this most horrible of times, and kept my faith in human beings alive.

Feck, you are strong. The advice above is brilliant, from people who know. You are going to be ok.

Right, I’m taking the next step to get control of my life back.

Much love to all here xx

Evening all.
It's weird I felt happy today 1st time in ages. I've been to fetch some pallets for a project in my garden something to hide dickheads veg patch. I've got excited about not sure how I'm gonna do it yet thought and he took all the power tools. He is a tool.
Then of course it hit me again. The anquish just flows in.
But atleast a fleeting glance at happy again.
Now back to alone time. I think we have to keep ourselves busy. I keep starting projects but dont get them finished. Lack of motivation and sadness takes over.
Take care girlies . Look after ourselves as we not looking after them anymore.

Hide from him. I used to hide from mine in the house. When he used to come around.

@Bigpooh13 So pleased to read you had a happy moment! I know it’s not much it it proves that you can feel it again! And those moments will become more regular and longer! Go you for making the garden your own too! xx

www.instagram.com/p/B7ra3e0pQDC/?igshid=169w0lq5940bz

@Bigpooh13 you sound like me!! However, I have finally finished some projects that I started and have parked others. I like to think this space has become my own and I no longer have that intense need to eradicate him from it. Very excited about new sofa arriving tomorrow!!
To the ladies in this thread I haven’t posted a lot recently but think my situation is a little less traumatic than some of yours and I have found some peace within myself however, I read each post and keep routing for you all everyday. Remember even on your toughest days you put one foot in front of the other because you all truly are strong warrior women who these men will never defeat!!
@SuperbMonkey you do a wonderful job of keeping this thread alive and so supportive for us women to dip in and out when we need or feel we can give some support so we never feel alone in distress.

As an aside leap year parkrun in the sleet nearly killed me today but I finished and achieved!!
Wishing you all strength and recovery ladies x

@Bigpooh13, that’s my woman! A building project involving pallets. And you felt happy, which is brilliant. Lots of unfinished projects to be finished at another time. They’ll wait. I’m not going to be hiding but confronting him head on. Cynthia Nixon in ‘Be A Lady They Said’. I’ve got this.

I love that Instagram post Big. It’s moving and has given me extra strength. It is so, so true.

@SoTiredTonight, spot on about making the garden Big’s own. Owning your space, taking your power.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, new sofa, that’s exciting. Thanks too for your lovely words. Well done on parkrun in such truly awful conditions. You are a running ⭐️.

Leap year! I’m hoping my STBXH’s long ago OW proposed to him. All the sooner to get him out of my life so that it can start again.

@suberbmonkey. Knowing how much the OW or Princess Fiona from Shrek as I call her , lives a wedding I bet she cant wait to get wed again. Cant remember if it will be her 6th or 7th this time. I bet she bloody proposed today. He said he didnt want to fet married again. I will wait and see. She will as she likes a payout or 5 .

Thanks for the good vibes from everyone about my happy hours n project.

My phone is shite it always spells love as live.

Hope you like the RH shin words please check him out hes so gud.

Ooh ladies, I love it when you’re catty like that! Brought a massive big grin to my face @SuperbMonkey and @Bigpooh13!

And yes, that Instagram post is really lovely and very moving. Thank you Big!

You are all amazing. Today has been horrible. It has got nasty. I’ve has to try and find more strength when I already feel empty. But I’m still here so life goes on I guess. Thank you all for the support and sharing your stories. I feel like I’m barely getting through the half hours at the moment, he’s making it so difficult. But I am here for my kids and I just have to keep doing that.

You are doing brilliantly @FeckThis, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. There you’ve managed another full 24 hours, that’s nearly 50 x half hours! And although your day has been horrible, you are doing this!!! Your kids have an amazing mummy and that twat of a H is just utterly disgraceful. I really wish we could all be there to offer you a hand hold and support in RL. Just keep posting and keep talking. A massive hug to you!

@Feckthisshit2020, you are amazing too. I’m so sorry that you have had a horrible day and that you have been faced with more nastiness. I’m worried about you. Are you safe at home? You are still here and life does go on and you will get stronger every day, especially when he leaves. That’s the next important step, and we know it will be hard but it does have to happen. You will find it easier to get your head together once he’s gone, I promise. Then you can concentrate on sorting yourself out and focusing on the baby.

Keep on posting whenever you need to. One of us will reply as soon as possible afterwards. 🤗

Feckthisshit. I really feel for you. You must feel completely stuck.
You have to separate yourself from him. Dont listen to him. Keep out of his way dont give him the chance to upset you. Put on the FO face and be so brave. You can do it

30 mins is alot of time and you are doing it. You are a better person that him .

www.instagram.com/p/B9JFMHZp41Z/?igshid=ctj7hrjdf3tf

Ladies, you've all got so much to put up with and are doing so well. How about giving yourself a pat on the back?
I'll start.
I'm glad I persevered with spying on him until I found the evidence.
I'm glad I didn't accept the fuckwit's suggestion of staying together in a loveless relationship.
I'm glad I have great mates around me who support me and pick me up when I'm down(having great mates is a reflection on me, no?!)
I've got more life to live!
I've behaved with integrity.
Calm and hope for a happier life are just around the corner.
Peaceful sleep everyone! 💤💤💤

@Sadsammy, thanks for that suggestion. Well done on your achievements so far. Having great mates is definitely a reflection on you. Your mates have good taste 😀

I am going to give myself a pat on the back for bravely facing difficult challenges relating to the ending of the marriage. I don’t want to be in this situation. I’ve reached the stage where I can, mostly, accept it, take control, and move on. No more limbo.

Have a good day, everyone.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, hope you are ok and to hear from you soon.

@Feckthisshit2020, let us know how you’re doing.

❤️ to all xxxx

Morning all. @Sadsammy good idea. I am proud of myself for protecting my children, always putting them first and removing them from a dangerous situation without frightening them. I am proud that they are playing nicely and happily together and I know they will be ok because I will make sure they are.

@superbmonkey I’m ok. I wish I didn’t have to go back and I’m feeling apprehensive about what the day will bring but I got some sleep and that helped. It’s sunny and Monday tomorrow which means work and routine and they’re with the childminder/school so less to worry about.

Have a good day everyone.

@Feckthisshit2020, morning. You sound brighter and more positive today. You are right to be proud of what you have done for your children. The day will bring what it brings, and you will cope with it because you are in control here. You do and say as much or as little as you want. Saying little may be the best option. Doing something different may produce a different result.

Good luck to all of us today xx

Good pats ladies! I'm sure there will be more! You won't believe that I came up with that thought after having a great day out but then cried in the restaurant later. It's not linear this grief but the uplifting moments will surely increase and our vulnerability will heal. Have a great Sunday!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3835833-what-affair-signs-did-you-see

This thread might give you a chuckle - it did me. My post is towards the end xx

Hello all of you. Hoping today will be better for all of us.

I’m (driving!) to get some paint to transform bedroom into boudoir for me (and the dog).

Find having small daily goals helpful. Today’s are - do driving, do painting, listen to podcast/radio, do some work ready for tomorrow.