Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

I like yo think. That simply for help. Has gone somewhere to be looked after I'm hopeful that her carers helped.

@feckthisshit2020
What you're going through is awful but I think in your situation you need to try to plan something stress relieving for yourself each day, if you can. A lovely bubble bath, a scented candle, a new moisturiser, a hot chocolate, something that engages the senses in a relaxing way. (Tell me if I'm talking shite). Something to give you a few minutes distraction. A few minutes peace. Did anyone watch those Vicky Falcone videos? I've yet to see the last one. They did give me a few things to think about. My situation isn't as awful as any of yours and I send you warm hugs. Whoever was asking about HRT- it's great and a few days in, you should feel relief from Meno symptoms.

@SuperbMonkey You are spot on with your last comment to @Filly2011, she sounds absolutely awful which makes him even more pathetic!
The branding made me laugh!
I agree with you and @Bigpooh13 regarding @simply4help; she really did need RL support. It would be lovely to hear from her at some point with news that things improved for her...

@Sadsammy You are so right with what you’re saying about the stress relieving things; I really went for it today, had a long bath with face mask, hair treatment, lots of lovely cremes and lotions... it does help to soothe your mind a little I find.
It’s also great to hear your feedback on HRT; I’m getting quite excited that maybe my emotions might calm down a little!?
Who’s Vicky Falcons? Maybe I missed it?
Anyhow, I shall wish you all a good night and hopefully plenty of rest.
@Feckthisshit2020 Thinking of you in particular. Please look after yourself! Much love to all. 🤗❤️

@Feckthisshit2020 you really really can do this. And when you have your wonderful new baby, you'll feel such love that you'll be empowered to know you can do it. We just know you will. The pain you feel is so real and must be terrible.

I can't remember if you've tried the hypnotherapy that others have recommended for sleep, but if you haven't, please do. And please reach out to anyone you can to help you practically so you can have some downtime to yourself.

You must be exhausted. I hope you can possibly find a couple of hours alone this weekend to go for a long walk, look at the sky and the buds on the trees, breathe calmly and just ground yourself a bit.

Sending love and hoping you have a decent sleep.

Hello to you all.
Just checking in to say I’ve had a really bad sleepless night full of angst which is weird because I saw my therapist yesterday and was full of positivity and new resolve after.
This is such hard work.
Decided to spend today just thinking about what I want rather than about husband. This is surprisingly hard but I’m going to try.
Hope you all have a good day despite the truly awful weather (which doesn’t help where is spring?).

Morning everyone.

The weather is awful. It’s pouring with rain here. Supposed to be doing parkrun but it’s just too wet. The news is depressing as well. Does anyone else feel that they have enough to deal with, without all the extra doom and gloom?

@Filly2011, so sorry to read that you had a bad night. The therapy session sounds positive. It’s possible that feelings were stirred up in the session and disturbed your sleep. Thinking about what you want rather than your husband is a plan. I’m trying to do that too. Let’s see how we get on! It is all such hard work though.

The hypnotherapy wasn’t as successful yesterday evening. I thought I would sleep well. I kept waking up, but did fall asleep again quite quickly. I’ll keep trying though.

@thegrassisgreenernow, @SoTiredTonight, @Sadsammy, really good advice. I’m going to take the advice today. I feel like I need some extra tlc. @Bigpooh13 yes let’s keep fingers crossed that @simply4help got some help.

@Feckthisshit2020, let us know that you are ok and tell us about your plans for today. We are concerned for you.

There seem to be a few more threads where women are going through the same horrible experience. Someone recommended this thread for support. It’s good to know that we are helping people who don’t post as well as ourselves. Often I feel as if this thread is therapy. I can say how I feel to women who really understand. Thank you 😊

Have a good day, and hoping the rain stops soon. Xx

Thank you all for your support. I didn’t sleep really and when I did I dreamed of all the things he might be doing. I just feel so overwhelmed and need to do something differently. I completely fell apart yesterday and that’s not good for the baby. There’s no point thinking about it not being fair or how much it hurts. It is what it is.

He’s back later so I might try and find a cheap premier inn or something, buy a truck load of chocolate and just go and watch tv by myself and try that hypnotherapy thing. I can’t stay in the house with him. I could go to my mums but I’ve imposed so much there recently.

Thank you again so much for all the support, it is so appreciated. I will try and get my head above water enough today to offer the same to others, especially as I know how much it helps.

@Feckthisshit2020, thank you for posting. Not sleeping is horrible but you were resting so were getting some benefit. It is what it is, and that’s a good starting point. You are being hard on yourself though. It’s ok to feel what you feel.

You say he’s back later. Is that to see the children? Can’t he take them out so that you can stay at home and rest? Don’t make things too easy for him. You are having a hard time caused by his dreadful behaviour. Let him see what you are dealing with. I don’t like the idea of you sitting in a hotel room on your own. Wouldn’t it be better to let your mum look after you today, if you feel that you can’t make him take the children out? I’m sure that she won’t think that you’re imposing and will want to help.

Don’t worry about providing help to others. It makes us feel better to be able to give you some support. Whatever you do today, try to stay calm and not let him get to you. Sending 🤗 ❤️.

@superbmonkey he hasn’t moved out yet, next week apparently. He was away on a lads night out yesterday but back at some point today. I’ll probably go to my mums, can’t really justify the money on a hotel. I just know she’s really worried about me but part of me just wants to crawl off somewhere, fall apart, eat junk and sleep without anyone else around. Be somewhere completely anonymous with no memories. Does that make any sense? H and I have been together so long that I have lots of memories of him and us everywhere, even my mums.

Also, he’s horrible to me when he sees me upset or struggling. Tells me to pull myself together/stop looking for attention/put on a better front for the kids. So I just want to be away from him.

@feckthisshit2020 go to your mums. It’s him who has tainted your mums house for you. Reclaim that space.
How dare he get annoyed when you get upset. That’s just vile. And unbearable.
Don’t bear it. Stay away from him. Surround yourself with people who love you best.
Xxx

Feckthisshit. He doesnt sound very sensitive to your needs. They cant cope with the guilt.

I too just wanted to run away. I wanted to go hide somewhere warm.
He even gave me money to go on holiday. But I spent the money on some lip fillers instead. Best investment ever. Not a trout pout.
Still do want to run away memories everywhere.

We tried to live together at 1st but I couldn't cope and went to stay at my brothers when I got back he had gone he didnt tell me he was leaving.

@Feckthisshit2020 it might feel like imposing, but honestly this is the worst time of your life, don't underestimate how horrendous what you're going through is. This is literally what your friends and family are for. Having said that, I know I have struggled feeling like I should just be coping and not bothering people. And also sometimes a bit of alone time helps, even if it just involves a load of crying and feeling terrible, it's all part of processing it. Sometimes it's hard to believe that this could actually be happening, that someone chose to put you in this position and things can be this bad. I felt sometimes like maybe I was overreacting, that it couldn't be this bad... But it really is, you have been treated appallingly and you are completely justified in however you are feeling and however you are coping. One step at a time, one day at a time, whatever you need to get through. Each step takes you further away from that dickhead though, and that can only be a good thing. Arsehole.

I had to let ex see kids in the house for a couple of months after he left as he didn't have anywhere to take them. He came in and I immediately went out. It was horrendous. You can't be in the same space, in your family space acting like everything's normal, it's just awful. It's confusing for the kids too. Have you told the kids what's happening? Have you got a timeline for him leaving properly and a regular contact schedule? You need to get to a point where he picks the kids up at the door - it makes such a difference being able to claim back some space and put some boundaries in place. I know it will be difficult when baby arrives but those boundaries make no end of difference. For me him not coming into the house made such a massive difference to me mentally. I'm still totally messed up, I still can't look at him, haven't looked at his face in weeks. It's too painful. You think your doing ok, and then one small thing happens and it's like knocking the scab off and underneath it's still all raw and bleeding after all. But I've got my space back and he's not in it (and yes I took down all the photos, moved furniture round, the works). Off you fuck to your crappy flat / love nest. Wanker.

Massive hug. Hope today goes ok. Wish I lived closer, he just picked the kids up so I would totally be joining you in a chocolate fest! xxx

Cross post - what they said! Eurgh he's a monster so steer well clear. Shields up. Go to your mum's and fall apart, eat junk food, sleep and let her look after you. When you have to be in the house with him, avoid being in the same room.

I hope that occasionally the fog clears enough for you to really see how terribly he's behaving. Keep re-reading what you've written. You're 6 months pregnant, he's cheated, walked out and now he's telling you to pull yourself together. He's fucking awful!

@caketimeisover this is the problem, I don’t have my own space- he comes into my room to use the en-suite as the shower is better, comes in to talk to the kids when they’re in here rather than call them out. And I can’t see how that will change because he is going to rent a room as we can’t afford a flat so won’t have anywhere to take them, and then when the baby comes he’ll want to be here and I can’t stop him. I feel so powerless and out of control. I have these bursts of really intense anger and then I just fall apart again. I want my Tuesday. I’m not coping well with the limbo.

@Feckthisshit2020, I remember now. It’s really hard to recognise that the men we have married, in good faith, are total sh*ts. Yours and mine, and lots of others. Lads’ night away! He is very, very shallow, and I know how painful this is because I’m there too. My difficulty is age, yours is pregnancy. We can’t do anything about either. We are going to have to get on with it. I completely understand the memories and how painful they are. I also understand the feeling that you need to be in an anonymous place, comforting yourself. Please go to your mum’s and let her love you. You sound very independent and perhaps find it hard to ask for help. I had to learn that lesson the hard way after dealing with the situation on my own for 2 weeks, driving myself to breaking point. Once I let people help me I was amazed by the kindness I received, and still do receive.

You might not like what I’m about to say. He is dictating to you what happens. To be horrible to you when he sees you upset when he is the sole cause of the upset is disgusting. I think you need to tell him to leave immediately, with your mum’s support if necessary. You are making all the allowances for him. I know that you hope that you can sort this out. That you will get back together. I did too. Perhaps you will although I doubt you will ever trust him again. He is being so cruel and is seriously damaging your mental health. What happens if he doesn’t leave next week, or the week after next, but carries on being cruel to you. He’s abusing you, and that’s hard to accept. I have struggled with coming to that conclusion about my husband because I loved him so much. Cruelty, affairs, belittling, criticizing are abuse. Loving relationships don’t work that way. Please don’t wait as long as I did to work that out. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to keep this creature happy, walking on egg shells round his moods, his drinking, his awful family, I could go on. Please don’t be me.

I am wishing you all love and strength for today. You are an amazing, valued woman. You don’t believe me right now, but I know without ever meeting your husband that he doesn’t share your values and isn’t worthy of either you or your children. You all deserve much better. 🤗

@superbmonkey thank you, that made me cry. His family is awful too, and he drinks too much. How are there so many of these men around? I know we can’t get back together. I couldn’t ever get past him treating me like this, abandoning me at my most vulnerable. But I don’t seem to be able to stop wishing it hadn’t happened. It’s like I just have the words ‘I don’t want this I want my husband back’ going round and round my head and I can’t move forward because they’re in the way. Legal advice is not to sort finances until after mat leave is done. I can’t keep him out of the house until he decides to go. I can’t do anything that would help me to cope. I can’t run because I stopped before I was pregnant, I can’t lose weight, I can’t go out with my friends and drink too many cocktails and pretend none of it is happening. It’s like there’s no escape.

He tells me it’s my fault for things I’ve done in the past, that we both destroyed it- but that simply isn’t true. I didn’t sleep with anyone else. I didn’t have an affair for two years. I didn’t do all this in the middle of a pregnancy. I didn’t spend our money on a third party, or miss sports days/shows to be with someone else. I put our family first, he did this and now he’s trying to make it my fault. I don’t understand how anyone could behave like this. I don’t understand why he isn’t sorry. How he can be this selfish.

HE'S A MASSIVE WANKER!! Sorry just had to get that one out.

Agree with @SuperbMonkey that he's is still abusing you and calling all the shots. He's terrible. Also I do understand that with the house etc it seems impossible. So we need a plan.

If he needs to be in the house for the time being, ok, but there need to be boundaries. There have to be. He cannot come in your bedroom and use the shower. He cannot come in your bedroom full stop! He can bloody well use the other bathroom (or the kitchen sink for all you should care!). That gives you a safe space, and you keep that even when the baby arrives. Bonus you have an ensuite so you can hole up to a certain extent. He can come in if you invite him (🤢🤮), but otherwise no freaking way. Get that in place now. You need that space. Same if there's a room he's staying in, you don't go in there. Avoid being in the same room as him. Boundaries boundaries boundaries.

You also need to know exactly when he's coming and going, having him wandering in and out is torture. Then when he's got his rented room, make a schedule for when he comes to the house. When my ex was in a rented room he picked the kids up to drop them at school a couple of mornings, came to see them a couple of evenings and then we split the weekends (he'd come over one day and either I'd go out or he'd take the kids out, the other day he'd not come over at all). We did this rather than every other weekend just as youngest was so tiny, seemed like more frequent contact was better, but every other weekend is way better ultimately, have a lot less interaction with the bastard him now (he has a flat now so can have them overnight etc so doesn't come in the house at all any more. One day, you'll get there!). Agree something that works for you and stick to it. And no he cannot come to the house every day (yes, my wanker wanted that - I'll go live over here shagging my girlfriend but I'll come and go here however I like! Gaaaahhhhh what's wrong with them?!)

It's still legally his house but once he moves out it's your home, not his. Think about you. Given the restrictions, what would make life more bearable for you?

PS just in case you still have those thoughts swirling, it's NOT your fault. This is the result of his shit character and poor choices. He's putting it on you because he doesn't want to face up to what a monster he is. I know it's hard to believe that when you feel so low, but it's true.

@feckthisshit2020 he’s using all the classic lines of men in his position I’m afraid: you contributed /caused this, you made me so unhappy I had an affair, your grief is just to make me feel awful and so on. It’s all horseshit. He can’t be sorry because that requires remorse and he doesn’t want to feel bad about what he’s done.
The denial of your unhappiness is very cruel and hard for you to deal with.
I understand totally when you say you just want your husband back. That’s how I feel. And knowing I can’t ever have that innocent normal time before he decided to fess up and destroy me is a killer.
I hope I’m not annoying you, but honestly time will help. Just keep thinking you can get through this in whatever way you need to and there will be a point where you will feel better.
He’s never going to be happy because he’s always going to have done this crappy horrible thing to the people he should be loving and protecting. That stain will never go away.
Keep strong. You are the good person here. Xx

@caketimeisover I completely agree with you- but practically, how do I enforce them? If I put a lock on the door the children can’t get in, and one in particular often comes in in the night. I have asked and asked him to let me know when he’s coming and going- he just doesn’t. Even when he leaves I can’t make him give me his key so I feel like I’m on edge all the time never really knowing if or when he’ll come back.

@Feckthisshit2020 when he comes back today, why don't you have arranged to go out for a bit, to meet a friend for tea and cake, or to go for a swim, or a walk somewhere lovely if it's not pissing down? Try to stay calm and set the space boundaries others have suggested above, briefly, with him. Then just say you're going out and leave him with the kids, even for a few hours, with a plan YOU have made, so you feel like you are taking some control back.

Then spend the night at your mum's

@feckthisshit2020 can you have the locks changed? If you don’t want to confront him about it just say you lost your key and the locks had to be changed.

@thegrassisgreenernow I’m going to go to my mums as soon as he gets back. @filly2011 I can’t change the locks as he’s a co owner. If he really pushes it I can get some sort of injunction but that will be expensive