Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@Sadsammy, agh I just lost a long post as the messages moved to the next page! Thanks for the kind words. I don’t know you (probably) but I know what you’re going through because I’m going through the same. Only 6 months in but ending it soon. They say these things because they can. They feel entitled. In their minds all failings in the marriage are our fault, so they are right to blame us. Any attempts to explain, rationalize, understand, are ignored because they don’t want us to explain, rationalize or understand. They would like us to beg because that makes them feel powerful. They know exactly what they are doing and have chosen that path. This is hard to hear but worth listening to because it helps with acceptance. They are creatures, not the men we loved. Those men were either well hidden or have long gone. I refuse to grovel to a creature (and I haven’t been offered that opportunity). I also think that they are, temporarily, riding the crest of a wave because they have their OW. They have been ‘won’ and that’s important to men. They are prizes, precious prizes. And even more of a prize if the wife is asking to be picked and preferred. Once the wife says ‘enough, I’m worth more than this’, the charm of the OW starts to diminish and real life (dirty underwear and farts) creeps in. By then though the now ex-wife has created her own life, become strong and resilient. To some ‘D’ H she then looks like a much more attractive prospect. Unfortunately for the ‘D’ H, the ex-wife wouldn’t give him the time of day. Look forward to that day, when you do see his face and it means nothing at all to you. You win this game, not him 🤗

To sadsammy. My bloody hell. Fancy even asking you that what a dick.

Love u @suberbmonkey amazing as per usual.

One day he told me his easiest option was to come back..with the comment but you wouldn't have me back and he wouldn't have himself back, weird. But had to inform him you have gone back to an ex who treated you like shit. Arsewipe.
That's me end of me spending today but worth it fantastic haircut just what I wanted. Yay.
And I used my FO face as a friend if his sister asks me in the street how I was coping. It felt quite patronising.

Poor woman soon scuttled off. Why would I want to go for coffee with her so that she could report back.

@Bigpooh13, you have the best sense of humor 😂. Your conversations with him are classic. Please don’t hold this against me, but sometimes I even feel a tiny little bit sorry for him! You are giving it to him straight and he comes across as being a bit weak and cowardly. I imagine him cowering when you get going, FO face or not.

I really hope that the friend saw you after the haircut so that she could report back ... 💁‍♀️

@Bigpooh13
I see you have a dick of an ex too! They're all over! I find people asking me how I am to be just the worst question anyway. I guess it's hard to ask the right thing? There's a bit of putting on a brave warrior face isn't there, while crumbling inside. How much better will we all feel in a few months, six months, a year? Hold tight ladies, we can do it!

Yes, we CAN do it. I'm feeling this week that I am calmer at last (4 months in), which is such a relief. Possibly transient of course, but maybe not. It's been some time coming but just wanted to give some hope for those of you who are still closer to the awful day it happened.

I've buried my head in the sand a bit, to try to recover and be stronger first, so have amazing respect for anyone who's managed to take steps towards legal arrangements. I'm at last feeling up to properly looking at the numbers now, planning to try to come to an agreement with H and to start proceedings. Have to get past the planning stage and get on with the doing stage though!

Much easier to just sit on my bed and scroll through this!

Grass is greener. I think we bury our heads until feeling stronger. I'm terrified of divorce but need the settlement money.
@suberbmonkey. My hair had just been done and she did say I was looking rocking ??. So that will get back. To his horrible sister.

Do I really come across as strong. I do act it when I see him which hasnt been for a while then crumble when hes gone. God the last time I saw him and he wanted to hug me . It took such resolve not to. I regret it now but know I was right not to.
I'm feeling better now as no contact for a week. I'm definitely not gonna answer his calls.

Someone said about HRT. I've been on it since 2003 early hysterectomy. It's the best thing ever. I prefer the gel and it's easier to get hold of.

@Bigpooh13, what @Sadsammy said. They are all over. Look to the media and our politicians. Many of the latter, including our Prime Minister, have issues with fidelity but they are rarely condemned. The PM’s former wife is a brilliant QC, mother of his 4 children with her, beautiful, elegant, and has suffered from cancer. We are in very good company, ladies, so remember that. Always. Hold tight, Sammy!

@thegrassisgreenernow

I am getting better at telling people. I had a hilarious conversation with the owner of a tiny independent clothes shop last week. She directed me to some pretty dresses. I picked one up and saw the brand name. It was the same as the OW! I fell about laughing, the owner asked why, and I told her. She was immediately sympathetic and proceeded to tell me about her own experience. It was the same, but twice over. There comes a point when you can sometimes look at the funny side.

thegrassisgreenernow, the page won’t let me tag you! Take the calm times even if transient. That’s better than nothing. I’m so pleased that you’ve had a good week, with lots of calm. I’ve just reached the doing stage, but I’m longer in than you. I suddenly decided that hopium for smelly dregs was ridiculous.

Big, go for the money, the divorce is nothing to be scared of and you’ve got the grounds. Make sure you claim costs of divorce from him though. 😀 at the rocking hair! Well done you. What’s the betting he gets in touch to have a look at it. Strong when you see him and crumbling afterwards is OK. You were right not to hug him. Save the kibbles for yourself. I’ve never had HRT. That must be where I went wrong - too many wrinkles ...

Ooh, does HRT ‘cure’ wrinkles? Been reading along but as expected, feeling meh. But this is the one good thing I’ve heard today!
I’m sorry, I just don’t feel I have anything constructive to add, feeling too sorry for myself. Hate the anxiety and gloom.

@SoTiredTonight, rest in the knowledge that HRT prevents wrinkles (not cure, but I hear that snail slime is good for that - they sell the gel in Holland & Barrett but I haven’t bought any so can’t guarantee it’s effectiveness). As an aside, this saga and the weight loss has aged my face and body, I think. People say I look well but I think that they mean to say, ‘you look like crap’ and are being kind. Yoga has made me flexible though ...

You don’t have to be constructive, you know. You can just vent, but that does take a lot of energy. I’m working at home (I’ve undergone a major personality transplant and am loving my new role). I will stop soon and make some dinner.

Xx and embrace feeling sorry for yourself. It’s ok

I can’t do this. I can’t cope with how much it hurts. How little he cares.

Feckthisshit. You can do it.
You cant let an arsewipe destroy you. Vent here. Vent with the samaritans they offer really gud advice and support.

HRT I have hardly any wrinkles lucky me.

@Feckthisshit2020, keep posting here, please. Vent, say whatever you want. You can do this. It really, really hurts, but the pain will pass. It comes and goes, like toothache. Is there anyone in real life who you can call? Call the Samaritan’s as suggested by Big. You are coping. You are brave. xx

I don’t understand how he can treat me like this. I don’t understand how he can do this to me, to the children, to this baby. I don’t understand how he can leave me and be so cruel. I don’t understand why he won’t fight for our life. How he can be prepared to ruin us financially. Why his children don’t matter more than this. Why our future, our dreams, our world isn’t enough. I don’t know who this person is and I miss my husband. I miss him so so so much and I want him to come back.

@Feckthisshit2020, thanks for posting back. You lovely woman, we get that you don’t understand why the man you loved is behaving like this. You are, as chump lady says, struggling to untangle the skein:

www.chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/

None of us understand why this has happened to us. It’s scary, and makes you doubt everything in your world. It’s particularly hard for you because of your pregnancy, and looking after two other little ones. There is no answer to the questions you are asking. He is not going to be able to explain even if he understands it himself. I miss my husband. We were together for 26 years. But that lovely man I married doesn’t exist any more. You know your truth about your marriage. You have to stick with that. You loved and trusted. You are a decent human being. The man your husband is now isn’t decent, and you are too good for him. Please hold on to that thought. 🤗 🤗

@Feckthisshit2020 I am so so sorry, your post is so raw it made me cry. It will get better, I absolutely promise you. @Superb and @Bigpooh13 are so right, the man you are missing doesn’t exist. I don’t know what it is that enables them to do it, I really don’t. And I am so very sorry you are hurting so much. I wish we could all sit together sometimes and have a good cry and a RL hug, but this is still so much better than not having anywhere to come, anytime night or day, to get some loving support from others in similar situations. You are grieving the life you had and the future you thought you had. And you are grieving your husband. Because he is as good as dead, it’s just that there’s someone still walking around in his skin causing havoc. And that imposter is a totally fucking arsehole. You will find your anger more and more often and it will help. But for now, cry, howl, scream, punch pillows. Let it all out. It’s all you can do with the pain. And don’t forget that you are strong and you are amazing. Far more than he could ever deserve. So much love to you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

@Bigpooh13 That sounds great about the HRT, GP mentioned patches or gel possibly. Do you think it’s sad that I’m looking forward to the appointment?

@SuperbMonkey Thank you so much for your lovely post, I was about to reply when Feckthis posted and it kicked me into gear a little. Probably because it puts things into perspective a little quite how much shit some of you are putting up with in comparison to me.
If it’s any consolation, I do think that my face has aged a little more with all the stress. I don’t think others have noticed maybe, but I can see that I’ll more tired, a little less soft. My facial features I mean, the rest of me is plenty soft!
I might check out the 🐌 gel. Always keen to try a good skincare product! Let’s show these idiots what theyre missing out on! xxx

@SoTiredTonight, thanks for your kind words. I’m worried about @Feckthisshit2020. She sounds so unhappy and is dealing with a lot of stuff. It does put things into perspective.

I laughed at your comment about the rest of you being soft! I might try the 🐌 gel myself. Do you think that if I pick up a 🐌 and rub it on my face, that will do the trick? My idiot won’t notice! The only image he sees is his own and he used to spend plenty of time admiring that.

🤗 xx

Big hugs to you all and especially @Feckthisshit2020 who has everything to deal with and more. Keep breathing and living hour to hour. You WILL get through this.
Just seen that OW, the woman my husband shagged in my bed and still loves apparently, is having a big public joint event with her dh which they are celebrating as marking their lives together as a family.
I can’t believe what an idiot my dh is. For THIS he has broken up our family.
Fuck these men.

I was going to make a joke about getting one from the garden @Superb! Great minds!
And just because he doesn’t let on that he doesn’t notice doesn’t mean he doesn’t. If you get that very strange sentence. And anyway, it’s for ourselves we do these things. Sod them. 🤗 xxx
Yes, I too am worried about @Feckthisshit2020, and others here too! I do wish that @simply4help would get in touch... 😔

@Feckthisshit2020 massive hug. I know exactly where you are because I've been there and some days I still am. You will get through this, even though it seems impossible now. Keep talking and talking and talking. Get it out. Remember that you can't control this, that you have to accept it but that doesn't mean you have to like it and it doesn't make it right.

He's spent months making this move mentally so he's a lot further on than you are. He's detached from you to avoid feeling guilty about his SHIT behaviour. How can he do this? Because he is weak and he is selfish, and his own "happiness" means more to him than you and your family. It makes no sense to you because you care and you believe in marriage and family and kindness and love. You would never put your kids through this. You wouldn't treat your worst enemy the way he is treating you. To top it all off, he's done it when you are at your most vunerable - what the actual f*#k?! What kind of person does this to their pregnant wife?? Just the worst.

It is so so unfair. No one deserves this. Even if your marriage was crap (and I'm in no way saying it was) you do not deserve this. This is all on him. He lacks character. He lacks morals. He lacks common decency. He lacks empathy - even if he decided he didn't want to be with you any more, he could handled this with so much more care.

Chump lady classic: "He’s a man who cheats on a pregnant wife. He’s a front bencher in hell." Never forget that his behaviour tells you everything you need to know about him. He was tested and has shown who he really is. He is a weak selfish monster, and he can FUCK RIGHT OFF. Gahhhh I'm livid on your behalf.

@Filly2011 You are so right, what a complete dickhead. How are you? xx

@caketimeisover It is so good to see you, and what a fantastic post! Your second paragraph in particular describes my thoughts exactly, only in a far more eloquent way than I’d have been able to find!

He's detached from you to avoid feeling guilty about his SHIT behaviour. How can he do this? Because he is weak and he is selfish, and his own "happiness" means more to him than you and your family. THIS!!! 👏🏻🙌🏻

I echo all that you say.
They check out and switch off to make themselves feel better.
Gits ,arsewipes and chimps.

@Filly2011, the OW really played your H! She sounds disgusting, and her own H is obviously just concerned about maintaining his lifestyle. ‘Marking their lives together as a family’! What! Well, on here we know, with you, that that’s completely fake. I suppose it’s too much to expect them to behave with a bit of dignity. Your H is very, very foolish. I agree with your last sentence! 🤗

@SoTiredTonight, ha ha, great minds indeed. I know exactly what you mean about the noticing. I’m trying hard to focus on doing things for myself, perhaps for the first time in my life. I think to myself, I’m doing this for me. It is helping. @simply4help seems to have disappeared. Let’s hope that she got some real life support, which is what she needed. Her situation sounded dire. 😔

@caketimeisover, I’m so glad you are here because you know what @Feckthisshit2020 is going through. Every word of your post is true and you’ve told the truth with power. These men are weak and selfish and entitled. They should have a health warning branded on their heads! Thank you so much. 💗