Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

Welcome hugs for you @Sadsammy I hope you find lots of comfort and support with us on this thread 

@SuperbMonkey you mentioned the no fault divorce bill, I've just looked it up here:

https://services.parliament.uk/bills/2019-21/divorcedissolutionandseparation.html

I'm wondering whether to hang on for this before beginning the divorce process. I started to look at the advice on the Citizens Advice website and just ended up in tears. I just don't think I can bear to do it yet. It might be easier when this new bill passes. Does anyone have any realistic idea of how long we might be waiting for this to become law?

I was really pleased to hear about the hypnotherapy helping lots of us to sleep better . I had a look last night but I didn't want to leave a you tube video playing on my phone as I normally put it onto silent mode before I go to sleep...have you all just been using your phones for this? Was it this video you tried it would any of his do the job?

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, good to hear from you. I suspect that it won’t be too long. I believe the Lords have suggested some amendments which sound quite tricky but I they will get resolved quickly. Perhaps in force late Spring, early Summer.

I’m sorry that you felt upset when looking at the CAB website, but completely understand why. Even having to look at these things is not what we expected. It brings the hurt home. As my neighbour said to me earlier, ‘if you don’t do it he will’, and that will continue his narrative that it was my fault. You have to co-parent which introduces other considerations. Don’t do anything until you are ready. There’s no rush.

I’m going to try the hypnotherapy tonight.

Much love for those of us who have had a sob already (I’m one of them).

Thanks @SuperbMonkey I don't think he will do it if I don't so I'm not worried about that. Part of me wants to take some power back from OW. I don't want her to be a part of the divorce and forever remembered on these official documents. I know it shouldn't be important but somehow it is.

Much love to you too, Monkey, hope you are having a good day. I'm gearing up to visit the job centre to discuss UC claim for help with childcare costs. Trying to stay focused but it's hard to concentrate on all my tasks today. That reminds me, the discussion earlier in the thread about concentration...I find that if I do manage to concentrate really hard on something (e.g. job applications/tests), it's when I stop and come out of that concentration bubble that I get a horrible shock - that I am back in this weird new painful reality. It seems to be easing off a bit but initially every time that happened I would cry uncontrollably. It's a very strange time isn't it. I hope we emerge on the other side much stronger for all of it!!

Hiya. I didnt try the hypnosis as I had an early start n waz worried I wouldn't be up in time. I will try friday night as I'm knackered.
I was at the pain clinic this morning seeing the pain psychologist. Trying to progress treatment for my injury. It's about mental pain affecting physical pain. Emotional I'm not ready for treatment. She couldnt believe that I still hadnt recieved any counselling as it's what i need. I just ended up a sobbing wreck. How can one person cause all this heartbeat and ruin your life. I wish I could move on. Everywhere I go there is memories. Never thought this would happen.
My concentration is better now. But still lacking motivation.

Hi guys there was one of the hypno that did not work for me last night. It may be that I was over anxious but all the others have helped @Feckthisshit2020 . I was taken back to a memory that was not positive. I will post the link. It was still a good experience but not as good x

@filly2011 and all the others(my phone isn't very MN friendly and is erratic with copy and paste etc and can't remember all the other names🤔. Such sensible words and you're exactly describing how I feel. I can't understand why I'm so upset. I've literally had the words,'I don't want to be with you anymore' on the tip of my lips for ages. I keep recalling shit holidays where he's barely spoken to me and more recently all the horrible things he's said like, 'The only difference between before and now in our relationship, is that now you know about her!' as if that made it ok to try to stay! It's the riding roughshod over my feelings and rights as a human being that I'm struggling with. So cold and hard. He cheated on his ex wife and she said he'd been mean to her six months before he left so same old, same old! At least I don't have to divorce or sort money out. That's a blessing but I'm also denied the chance to rant and question etc as it all happened so fast. I feel better than I did on DDAY and I was crying every day. I do well up (music! Thoughts. Memories etc)but it's not as strong. That said, I bumped into the wanker last week out of the blue. He was sooooo happy and asked about getting the rest of his stuff. I had to walk away, reduced to tears when I'd felt so strong. Whichever wise woman of you said grief isn't linear, so true! All those of you with small children, it's hard but you will be better off. Keep your friends close. And I find with children, you reap what you sow.

So much love to you all ladies!!! I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much... I don’t think I’ve cried for a few days but then sometimes it’s so ‘routine’ that I might not remember now or even have suppressed it. My memory in a way seems to be affected in that I don’t remember exact details of things that happened maybe only 2 or 3 days ago, or I totally lose the timeframe of quite when something (recent) took place. I put that all down to a stress reaction too. It can be very inconvenient and at times unsettling as it makes me feel like I’m losing it. I know I’m not but still...
I’ve been kept very busy with family stuff the last few days but that’s all sorted now which means there’ll be less interaction with them and with it to a degree a change of routine as I mentioned yesterday. So I’m a little but worried that I might take a nosedive and trying to keep myself busy with other stuff. Today should be fine but worried about tomorrow onwards. I’m seeing my GP soon about starting HRT and will also ask about CBT on the NHS. My counselling is all private and I am really grateful that my counsellor gets me. It was a worry initially but I get a lot out of it. She thinks I’ve come a long way but it doesn’t always feel like it.
At the moment I almost feel as though I’ve regressed in my processing of things. The fact that we’ve been getting on fairly well makes me question both mine and his intentions as to the longer term. I’m back to head in sand and trying just to have a good day, one day at a time, with trying to keep my options open. It’s such limbo to be in though. But I don’t feel string enough to make any definitive decisions right now. It’s all just such a mess.
@Bigpooh13 Mental pain affecting physical pain must be absolutely awful. Is your GP able to fast track you into counselling? Or could you afford some sessions privately, maybe online as that might be cheaper?
@ThelmaAndLouise2020 Good luck with your job centre visit, hope you get useful information!
@SuperbMonkey I don’t like to think of you sobbing. 😢 Have these x
@Sadsammy A very warm welcome! Pull up a chair and make yourself comfy, I hope you’ll feel as supported here as I do (and hopefully all the other girls too!) x

Ok. Forget what I said about crying. Crying now, just because. I've actually had a good morning. Why do we leak so much? When will it end?

@Sadsammy my h actually said stuff like “oh everyone’s got to die sometime” and “what were u you going to do in the next few years” When I was suffering a serious illness during his affair. I was really puzzled about how he could be so cold and I thought he must be upset and that was how it was coming out (hollow laughter).
I spent years with him coming home, eating, falling asleep on the sofa night after night. Horrible holidays where he’s offended my friends. Him Always being at work. His grumpy negative moods.
So, like you, I don’t really know why I’m so bitterly upset. I wish someone could explain it. I might feel better!
Anyway - you are not alone.

@Filly2011
I was working while my exDP retired early. I did get tired but still enjoyed a social life but he always wanted to go to the same boring pub. Then he used to watch TV until the early hours. Since retirement, he's done the same(friends and family have commented on him being nocturnal!)but then slept in, got shitty with me when I wake him, even at ten etc (I think that's a lay in!)and then states we have no intimacy when I confronted him. Is that really a surprise when you're not awake at the same time? Coupled with him napping throughout the day! I think the OW he's met staying out late in a pub (where they go out later and finish later etc)and sees that as normal but she's got young kids so no doubt this is unsustainable anyway if it's actually a relationship and more than fuckbuddies! I just wish he'd moved away as we live in a small town and I'm bound to bump into him again. I've just downloaded a 4 series of videos that popped up on my FB by Vicky Falcone about getting over an affair. It's worth watching ladies. One was about how our negative thoughts create our feelings which equals pain. Also about Limiting Beliefs e.g I'm unliveable, unimportant and unattractive (these are mine!)and how to challenge them.

Unloveable!
@Filly2011 I guess it's human nature to get onto a rut of accepting below par behaviour etc until a crisis (like an affair)shines a light on it. Well at least we are in no doubt it's rubbish so hopefully we can find the strength and tools to move forward with our lives!

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, you sound organised and focused, and I’m sure that you will emerge from this as an even stronger, more independent woman. Xx

@Bigpooh13, I really feel for you. You are working very hard to improve things for yourself , but it’s difficult when you are in pain, I’m sure. I promise you that your life is far from ruined. It seems like that at the moment, but you have masses of fighting spirit. I would always want you on my side rather than against me (and that’s what he’s going to have to deal with). There’s no rush. Get strong then deal with what you have to deal with. Every day you mention an improvement that shows you are moving forward. xx

@Tinydancer123, I’m looking forward to trying the hypnotherapy in about an hour. Fingers crossed that it works for me. I’m fed up of looking at dark circles under my eyes. Sleep well xx

@Sadsammy, what lovely posts. I agree with you about accepting substandard behaviour. Even if you know the split is right it doesn’t make any of it any easier, especially after a long relationship. And they should have the guts to end the marriage decently and honourably before they take up with OW. That’s the coward’s way out. I’m not sure when the crying ends. I wish it would. I share your limiting beliefs. Not so much before but certainly after I was presented with my list of character flaws! xx

@SoTiredTonight, thank you for your lovely message. The flowers are much appreciated. I’ve stopped sobbing for now. It will be stress affecting your memory, I’m certain. Counselling does seem to help. My counsellor reminded me that things will get worse before they get better, but they will get better. I don’t always believe that but it is at least hopeful. Good luck with the HRT (that’ll probably help with the memory as well). Get a good night’s sleep xx

@Filly2011, I’m upset at the man I loved no longer existing, if he ever did. In the last 8 months he has treated me so dreadfully and brutally that I should be glad to be shot of him. And mostly I don’t miss him except as someone to be with and do things with. I don’t like being I. This financial limbo, which is why things need to move on more quickly. I’ve started to think about where I might live, and what my life might look like, and how that might be accomplished. Hard but necessary. Your H does sound like a difficult person to live with, but you love him and that doesn’t switch off in the blink of an eye. Mine was relatively easy to live with except for the last few months. I have found it hard to switch off the love but I am getting there ( with the help of the wise words and support here and in real life). We’re human! Sleep soundly xx

Love to everyone.

@SuperbMonkey thanks. You're very supportive to everyone on this thread and it's appreciated.
I like how these cheating bastards find it so easy to give a list of OUR character flaws! How about theirs? Deceitful, liars, timewasters, cruel, emotionally distant with taking no responsibility thrown in for good measure! I personally don't want to see my ex for as long as possible as I want to feel stronger and more positive about ME before I see his smug self-satisfied ugly mug! I've had a few mates advise me and send me things to help:
Write a list of all the things that irritated you about him
Write a list of the things you disliked about his personality
Accept (without over analysing (this is the tricky bit)that he no longer wants you. Otherwise, you'll never move on!
I might have a look at the Paul McKenna book. Night all. I'll probably be on here if I wake at the usual 3 to 5 witching hour! 😘

@Filly2011
Btw, your ex sounds like a nasty self-absorbed dick. Good riddance! How dare he treat you like that when you were battling your health?! Beggars belief!

Morning all. Hope you managed to get some sleep.

I feel for you all.

I dont know if it's better or not that hez never criticised me or said anything bad about me. He didnt start affair until he left. But it makes it harder to understand. No arguments . He was affectionate to the end and loads of breakup sex.
It's just now he is manipulative and nasty. Just hard to accept and not understand.

Sorry just venting.

Financial is hard I do see why we have to struggle as they have left. Especially when you are dependant on them. Arseholes.
I'm not saying bugger it and using credit to look after myself as hes spend our savings. So haircut today.
I may be in the shit but doesnt mean I have to look like it.

Morning everyone.

A triumph for hypnotherapy! I tried the link provided by @ThelmaAndLouise2020 and it worked better than The Archers Omnibus and Claire in the Community! I played it on my iPad and found that I fell asleep very quickly, within a few minutes. I did wake up in the night. I put the session on again and fell asleep really fast. I slept more deeply and feel refreshed this morning. Amazing and let’s hope it lasts. Thank you for that Thelma. 💐

@Sadsammy

Thanks for your lovely words. It really helps me too because writing things down gives me a better perspective and helps me to feel stronger. I deliberately haven’t seen my ex for a long time for just that reason. I wanted to work on myself first. In the first few months I was a wreck. I still am a wreck on bad days, but I am getting firmer in my resolve. I am also trying to look at the situation from the angle that I no longer want him. I’m faking to myself that I did the dumping. Just switching that view makes a difference in terms of my strength. The advice you have been given is practical and very wise. I agree with you about @Filly2011’s H, and Filly sounds so lovely and generous. What an idiot he is.

@Bigpooh13, I understand what you’re saying. It’s harder for you to dislike your H because he didn’t say terrible things about you. Understanding why he has behaved as he has is probably impossible. It’s really hard to accept. You don’t have to apologise for anything here. Vent as much as you like. We’ve got you! And good on you for using the credit card to get a haircut. That’s self-care and is very, very necessary. It’s an investment in yourself, and you need to be interview ready. Protect yourself on the savings though. Make sure you take your solicitor’s advice. That’s self-care too. None of us want to be in this position but we are, so we need to be determined and ruthless in our interests. Hard but true! 🌹

Have a good day and see everyone later xx

Hello everyone. Meant to say that I hope you have all read Heartburn by Norah Ephron?
Wittiest and best take on infidelity and marriage and the fact that she was also hugely pregnant while her husband did the dirty might resonate with some @Feckthisshit2020
Also there are recipes. Xx

@filly2011 I have read heartburn, last time he left me. It is good. Sorry I haven’t been about really. I have been reading but really struggling the last few days.

@Filly2011, thanks for reminding me about Heartburn. I read it years ago (was there a film as well?). I saw it in the library and almost borrowed it. Next time definitely. When I saw it I thought it might upset me. Hopefully I moved on a little bit. I’d forgotten about the recipes. 🥘

@Feckthisshit2020, how are you today? Are you still struggling? Can we help you with anything. You are a really tough woman and you are going to thrive with your 3 tinies. Stay focused on yourself, then, and your future. 💪 💐 xx

@superbmonkey thank you. Yes I’m really struggling. Significant date today and just keep crying. Dreading the weekend. It just keeps hitting me and knocking me sideways. I feel like I don’t have the energy to help myself. I need to try the hypnotherapy but I just keep not. I downloaded the Paul McKenna book but haven’t read it. I spend the evenings just thinking and I need to kick myself out of this but I’m sick of having to keep going all the time. I feel crushed by all the responsibility.

Oh, @Feckthisshit2020, I’m so sorry. Significant dates are difficult to cope with. Weekends are also tricky. Mine wanted to tell me about his new accommodation on our wedding anniversary weekend. I kicked him hard in to touch. What an idiot! He’s tried to spoil various dates since then. This behaviour makes me pleased I’m shot of him. Imagine if he had started behaving like this when I was 70. It’s ok to spend the day crying. Perhaps you need to do this to get some release. You probably don’t have the energy because you are being knocked sideways by grief. And you are pregnant! Sometimes I set myself a target of spending just 5 minutes doing something I need to do. If I feel happy carrying on, I continue for another 5 minutes. Or of I don’t, I stop and feel pleased that at least I did 5 minutes more than I was going to do. You sound exhausted though. Can someone give you some down time so you can enjoy something for yourself? I understand why you are crushed by responsibility. Is he taking the children regularly so that you have an opportunity to rest? You don’t have to shoulder this alone. Make a list of who you can ask for help and start making calls and sending texts, not necessarily him if you want to unburden and chat. This is hard for you and you must be kind to yourself. Eat! Drink warm drinks! Stay cozy! xx

Watching the other thread about a poor woman who's suspecting her husband is having at the very least an EA with a colleague and anticipating the confrontation. It takes me back to my ex eventually (was trying to avoid being honest, was excruciating!)saying to me, I don't want to talk about her with you. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I slept with her. Several times. I don't want to get your hopes up, but I never want that sort of relationship with you again. And then going through our 'choices' which included us staying together, accepting we would never have a sex life, with him still regularly visiting the town where she lived. I keep reliving the hurt those(and more) words have caused me. It's so hard to see someone who was once kind being so cruel, lacking in respect and devoid of looking at me as a human being who has needs. I really don't want to see him ever again.

@Sadsammy, he sounds like a right charmer! What an offer! What were you thinking of, turning that invitation down! I know, you were thinking that you are a classy, strong woman. You value yourself, have high self-esteem. You’re intelligent, hard working, and conscientious. You’re loyal and an excellent partner. For some weird reason you expect more than a convenient (to him) arrangement from the person you love! I’m angry on your behalf. I hope you never have to see him again. You are so much better than that, whether he used to be kind or not. Lots of love ❤️

@SuberbMonkey
Thanks. You are so supportive and right. Jeez, I don't know you do I? It was at that moment I said no, we have to split up. There's no other way. How could you treat me like this? You're the worst person in my life right now. He has no idea. It makes me sick thinking of him being nice to her in comparison. Tbh I'm not missing much. Things have been rubbish but why does the heart torture us by recalling the extremes of our relationship? The best and worst times? I know we'll all get through this and I hope you have great friends supporting you IRL. Sending you 💐 and 🤗back.

@Feckthisshit2020
What a great name! I think we could all adopt it as goodbye to shit from our exes! You'll be all over the place in your situation. I can't imagine how you feel. But a new baby will be hard but still a celebration for you. I think I'd need a really great mate to rely on and run everything by them for strength, solidarity and support when you're feeling vulnerable and at a week point. You need a cheerleader in your corner. Read most of the thread but hard to keep track of circumstances so sorry if I've said something stupid. Sending you a 💐 and a 🤗too. You're stronger than you know!