Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

Have just discovered OW (who ran back to her husband when DH spilled beans) is doing prominent public project thing with her husband (can’t describe too much as too revealing) and both appear jolly loved up and happy about it.

Will crush my dh who still lurves her and believed she’d only gone back to her dh reluctantly,

Shouldn’t gloat - but what the heck. Karma and all!

Ooh well done, that sounds very positive @SuperbMonkey fingers & toes crossed for you!

Yes, you've remembered correctly (no easy task with so many stories on this thread!), not sorted finances at all yet. I just haven't been able to pull my head out of sand over it all but now that I've got this new job I really do need to get on top of this. His attitude could change significantly once that starts I know... that reminds me I should really call Citizens Advice about it all.

My run in the rain was cold but good thanks , I'll miss it so much when things change but it will be a priority to try to make it fit in to my new life somehow.

@Filly2011 ugh! So galling, I bet you've had many fantasies about wiping the smile of her face. I say you should enjoy every ounce of that karma!!

@Feckthisshit2020 well done for getting the boiler sorted out, see, you can do this! I am amazed you are still going to work. Could you take time off or do you feel like going to work keeps you going? I was such a mess for the first couple of months that I didn't even feel like I had dreams because I seemed to be awake all night panicking and torturing myself with images of H with OW. It's only recently that I have started to dream about H, always nightmares...it seems that the truth is hitting my subconscious now. Everything you are feeling is normal. It's traumatic and terrible, your brain is trying to work it all out and it's so hard to get a break from it all. It will calm down but it takes time and you just need to take good care of yourself in the meantime x

@Filly2011, gloating is good and you deserve a gloat at his expense. Let him suffer - yawning when you call him the heartlessness person.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, thank you! Our paths seem to be following a similar route. I’m only just starting down the path. It’s not head in the sand but self-preservation. We’re all different and we do what we can when we can. Mine’s trying to be nice, and I can see that it’s a really hard task for him. Ah well! He didn’t think about me when he was treating me like something on the bottom of his shoe. Niceness has gone and FO face is here.

As running is a priority you will make it fit at work. Perhaps you could start a lunchtime running club?

Talking of gloating... H was moaning about how big his belly has got today. Hmm that will be all the beer and lack of exercise. I went in the opposite direction, hardly any booze and loads of exercise. I'm allowed to feel smug about this aren't I? (Especially after I was told that my weight/fat was a factor in our "breakup")

So pleased you got Boiler fixed.

Well done at interview . Proud of you.

I had a lovely facial yesterday that sent me to sleep early. Then I was awake from 3. So posted on here but it's not here. Doh.
I was awake due to dreams of him. I have them every night.
I've been out with a friend for dinner today. It was really gud. But I just feel so sad and lost.
I also put a post on Instagram a picture from chumplady . About handing back his bullshit as I dont need it anymore. He tells me he stalks me on there and moans about what I put. Tough . I ain't listening
OW posts everything they do as I get told. But as I keep telling people I dont wanna know as it's usually something that we did. He needs to find new things to do not life our life.
Wankbadges.

I've blocked my H (and her) on all social media platforms @Bigpooh13 I can't handle it at all. I don't want to know what they are doing or see their interactions with each other. Maybe you should do the same? Don't let him stalk you...how dare he comment on what you choose to put on your own social media account!

@@thelma. Yep all blocked. But still get to be told or stuff pops up.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, what is it with the karma today! You’re a bloody runner! You’re epic! You’ve done the heartbreak diet! Frankly you’re too good for him. Hope you’ve been showing off the new wardrobe to its best advantage. He is trying to get you to say ‘of course you haven’t got a beer belly’. Kibbles again. I hope you either agreed or smiled wisely and said nothing. Actually I hope you gave him a full on 😏.

@Bigpooh13, thank you. The facial sounds lovely. I had to delay eyebrow shape because of work so now going on Saturday. But a facial sounds so special. Might book one for next week. Can’t afford it but who cares! I’m worth it. They have no imagination which is why they do the same things with new partners. Classic sign of baby men. No way he can contact me through social media. I choose not to look at any of his rubbish. I’m working so hard on making my life amazing with slumps every now and then. Thinking of signing up for some long runs, perhaps locally.

Off to hobby class now. Have a good evening all xx 💓

Anyone else find that they have trouble concentrating before the intrusive thoughts sweep in and derail the concentration? I seem to be at my most down when using my brain for concentration. Easily distracted too. I bet he’s not distracted at all. I hate being a woman sometimes! xx

@superbMonkey yes that’s me exactly.

My job requires a lot of concentration and my mind just flies off In all sorts of unhelpful ways now. I have spent whole days obsessing about dh. It’s awful!

@Filly2011, my work’s the same. Lots of focus needed. I’m pleased that it’s not just me as I was starting to worry! And worrying makes it worse. I need a brain purge. X

@SuperbMonkey I’ve tried lots of things: new posh planner, trying to split tasks into short time periods and devoting myself to them blah blah - somehow drift into whole mornings of imagining the ‘working’ day of dh and ow mooning about over each other before adjourning to my house for dinner, mutual adoration and lots of shagging.
So angry. So miserable. Not sure what the answer is.

Hi all . Sorry not posted for a few days.
I hope you all ok ?

I am back to school so this always helps as teaching is so busy. It helps me not over think

I have also tried online hypnotherapy , sleep has been amazing ever since . I am on my third day of it. Could be worth a try for anyone who is anxious. Sunday I was horrendous . Therefore it has made a very big difference. I have slept with no wake ups or anxeity.

Xxxx xxx

@tinydancer123 I’m so glad you’re keeping busy and sleeping better. Would you mind sharing the hypnotherapy site you’ve used?

Oh yes need that sleep hypnosis.

I used a you tube one Michael Sealey. Honestly I never would have dreamed of using this kind of thing , but it has been a game changer !!!

Three nights of fab sleep. I am not so sure on the negative thoughts totally going but gosh sleep is a great outcome.

You should do it every night until you feel things have improved. Apparently.

Honestly when my sister suggested it and a friend I thought utter BS ! Also cannot afford the real thing so thought online would not work but it did .

Reading Calm by Fearne Cotton not the best book but at £3 in the works , it makes for some useful suggestions.

Counselling helps me..worried that I will regress as Sunday was just traumatic. However trying to focus on my self help. Try to the same, easier said than done xxxxx

@Filly2011, I feel for you and understand why your reaction is difficult to manage. He has behaved so badly. I say again that you are worth much, much more than that. You come across as an intelligent, kind woman, a wise adult. He’s nothing without you as time will show.

@Tinydancer123, thanks for those tips. I am going to try online hypnotherapy at your suggestion. I regress on Fridays and Sundays. The Sunday slump seems particularly common. Being back at school with the routine must be good. Busy but good.

@Feckthisshit2020 and @Bigpooh13, let’s see how we get on with hypnotherapy.

Hoping everyone sleeps well xxxx

Evening all! The hypnotherapy sounds interesting although I’m a little scared of the whole concept of it. Hmmm... Please keep sharing your experiences as I’m having trouble sleeping right now which is generally an indication that my MH is deteriorating. So been a little worried about that. Might just be a blip due to hormones etc though. Fingers crossed!
My slumps tend to be brought on by obvious triggers as well as tiredness, stress and change in routines, the latter of which unfortunately occur quite frequently due to both family and work commitments etc (mine as well as DH’s).
I cannot concentrate at all when I’m properly slumping but when I’m reasonably well anything that requires me to use my brain actually helps. I can often forget the crap for a few hours at a time when I immerse myself.
Been a long day and another tomorrow so I’ll say goodnight and hope you all sleep well, with or without hypnotherapy! xxx

@Tinydancer123 thank u so much for the Sealey hypnotherapy tip.
Tried it last night and slept from 10.30 until 5.45. No panics!

@Filly2011 and @Tinydancer123, that’s a result! I didn’t try it last night because I was very tired anyway and slept quite well. I am going to try it tonight.

@SoTiredTonight, you have a lot of insight into your triggers. The mornings are the hardest time.

Have a good day, everyone. See you later.

xx

Wow, I wish I'd found this post earlier! Your stories are so painful to read but they have the common thread of idiot, selfish, unkind men who have changed beyond recognition (mine certainly has)and blaming us for what they've done. My 15 yr relationship ended the week before Christmas when (after months of checking his laptop etc)I discovered inappropriate messages with OW. Three confrontations where I held back what I'd seen until the last. He lied, denied etc until the last and that was getting blood out of a stone. He actually wanted to stay living with me with me 'accepting' his relationship (she lives elsewhere) and him refusing to stop visiting where she lives. I'm lucky in that it's my house so I kicked him out quickly. Our children are disgusted with him, two won't even see him. My problem is even though things have been bad for years, the emotional strain of the last few months leading up to this has left me waking in the early hours and churning over all our conversations etc, rereading their messages, crying when I feel like I'm getting stronger, analysing and blaming myself when I know he checked out years ago and has been emotionally and physically absent for years. It's like I'm reliving the hurtful moments and wishing I'd done something different. It's like an obsessive loop. I feel like I'm torturing myself. I'm late 50s and retired early because he's older etc and now I feel very lonely with no purpose. My children are supportive but don't appreciate just how low I feel, not quite Samaritans level but not far off at times. I'm lucky to have really supportive friends and could mostly cut ties with him as our children are adults although the awkward thing is I don't want to visit when he's there so it's difficult for them. He's broken our family for a fling with a younger woman who he says is just FWB. When I read what you're all going through with small children and pregnancies, I send you a huge hug and admiration.

Welcome sadsammy. We understand what you are going through. Here for everyone. It's so hard for us all. Each with our own difficulties .

@Sadsammy I’m 60. With dh since I was 21. Adult children but they all live many miles away (one is in Oz).
Most of my close family are in Europe.

Like you my marriage had been up and down - we both have demanding jobs which involve travel and living apart at times.

I realised we had got a bit distant but never expected him to be having an affair with a woman at his work and mutual friend.
She left him and it prompted him to have a ‘breakdown’ (his description). He says he still loves her.

Like you I can’t really understand why I am so utterly devastated and keep going over and over it except to say I feel betrayed by someone who I thought would always have my back - and it totally destroys any self confidence you might have once had!

He has destroyed our family for someone who appears to not even want him.
Also, like you, I am full of admiration for others here who are pregnant and have small children. It’s so tough.

But getting over this is tough whatever your circumstances. One thing I’ve learned in the past horrible 9 months is that recovery is not a linear thing - you progress, you regress, you get triggers, you regress, you feel a bit better and so on.

Just post on here when you feel bad. Say what’s bugging you. Other women are so supportive (not OW obviously she’s a massive bitch!).
Xx

@Bigpooh13, how are you this morning? Did you have a decent enough night?

@Sadsammy, I echo Big’s welcome. We are sorry that you are in a similar situation to us and understand the emotional turmoil. We all seem to relive the worst moments, looking for answers and they are impossible to find. I had stopped working full time shortly before ‘the event’ and felt financially vulnerable, lonely and purposeless. I’m still financially vulnerable and lonely but I am seeking to build purpose. We understand the children, family and others ‘not getting it’ too. People seem to be unable to cope with your pain, so want you to go back to your usual self as quickly as possible. It’s a sad fact that, no matter how much they love you, some find it very difficult. I think it’s necessary to accept that (as I have done with my own, frankly, useless family). I hope this doesn’t sound rude; please call the Samaritans before you get too low. I didn’t and that was a mistake. I didn’t ask for help quickly enough. My doctor has been a star, and I have taken up every bit of counselling offered. The counselling has been very helpful. I am also doing the Freedom Programme. My STBX did not obviously abuse me, and not really physically. However I have come to appreciate that the affair and the behaviour leading up to the departure, including the character assassinations, were abuse. Behaviour that I had not considered abuse when wearing rose-coloured glasses was obviously abusive when viewed objectively. At the every least there will probably be a weekly meeting in your area, with tea and biscuits, and women going through the same experience. Women who have been there understand how you feel. Chumplady is a godsend. The archives provide strong inspiration.

I send you a huge hug back. It is good to know you