Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

Excellent advice thank you ladies.
Yes I'm still not fully accepting it. But I suppose it makes sense in their heads. He said it wouldn't last long and slagged her off to me. But hes still with her. I went on FB last night haven't been on for ages . And there she pops up as a friend suggestion. Ffs. Cant get away from them.
So I've plastered my FO face on.
Hope you get that boiler fixed.

Well, I've been a crying mess today all triggered by text exchange with H. Somehow we went from discussing business stuff (I have to extract myself and hand things over to him before I start my new job) to him saying he missed me, needed me, couldn't forget me, thought about me all the time etc (not that he wanted to come back I might add). What does he expect me to do/say?! I know he wants us to be "friends" but how do I go from wife to friend after 19 years together? Why would I even want to be friends with someone that has hurt me so badly? Just like you @BigPooh13 I have previously sort of joked around with him a bit when we were "getting on" but it left me feeling so hollow and confused. I've now tried to go grey rock with him but he's still texting me about this & that, trying to get me to interact with him. It's so hard. Low contact is definitely the way forward and to recovery I know but he just won't leave me alone!

@Feckthisshit2020 and @Filly2011 yes, to hollow core of sadness. I still have it now but I don't notice it all the time and it doesn't feel so overwhelming anymore, i think I've learned to live with the feeling. One day I hope it will disappear but I'm not there yet. I know that even if he came back (he's not but it still plays on my mind, hopium not quite extinguished) that core sadness would still be there.

@caketimeisover you are so strong and definitely awesome! Hurray for brilliant friends that are helping us get through this.

God it's so cold today!!

Hugs all round xx

Sorry for total non-constructive randomness but been having a very low few hours and just found myself really cheered up by some of the totally silly answers to one of the threads I came upon:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/baby_names/3832396-Name-for-sibling-of-Sequoiadendron?pg=2&order=
Maybe it’ll give you a giggle too! Will be back later. xxx

@ThelmaAndLouise2020 what a mindfuck that must be. Can you just communicate via email? Less intrusive/inmediate/familiar (if that makes sense) than text, easier to be business like. Maybe stick to text for emergencies, email for everything else?

Also thank you for the kind words - I feel like I can dole out the strong advice, just don't always believe it when it comes to me! Although I am definitely having a "what a wanker" day (which mainly involves wandering around muttering "what a wanker" under my breath). I must look like such a nutjob.

@@thelma. That's what he did to me but still didnt want to come back. He was already living with her. Absolutely mindfuck. I had to stop him coming around. It hurt too much and kept setting me backwards as I looked forward to his visits and had convinced myself he was coming back. But he wasnt. Wanted us to be friends as we had a gud life together . Just cant do it. I think it was to help his self image as a gud guy as well. Absolute dick head. He knows how much I'm hurting.
It just doesnt work. I've separated myself from business but he doesnt think I'm entitled to anything from it.
Which is pissing me off. He thinks hes offering me a fair payout. But I want more . 19 years , 20 now. Dick,.

@caketimeisover ha! Yep, "what a wanker"...my version is usually "god what a dick"!!

I think we are all better at giving out advice aren't we, it's so much harder to actually believe/do it for ourselves, although I really do try.

I can't do it either @Bigpooh13 that's why I keep telling him to back off. If I'm totally honest, part of me is kind of pleased by the attention and pleased he hates being rejected by me "as a friend" because maybe he is feeling a tenth of the pain he has put me through. But I know all these games are not good in the long run and the fact I care means it's stopping me from moving on. Low contact is how I will really recover I know...

Ooh, so busy on here today! Another two post effort from me.

@Filly2011, it was a really long day! Just got home, in my PJs waiting for a lasagne to cook. Another interview tomorrow with an early start. Well done on sleeping without a sleeping pill. That’s an achievement. I have to say that I thought my husband was bad but yours sounds like a very special specimen of awfulness. His behaviour on the phone is appalling. He gets everything he deserves, and he definitely does not deserve a sophisticated woman like you. Intrusive thoughts are difficult to cope with. I’m about 6 months in now. I still get them and if I’m at home I cry. I challenge my anger if I’m out. I remember all the shit things he’s done and that I’m worth more than that, even though I’m a geriatric.

@Feckthisshit2020, I shouldn’t laugh about the boilerman, but I am, just because I was you 4 months ago. You will be so relieved to have heat and hot water that you won’t care about contact with him. I really hope the big meeting went well. Thanks for the good luck wishes too. Your values are high and you are successful and strong. Remember this when you feel like contacting that worthless man.

@caketimeisover, such good advice. I want to have as little contact as possible, although I never thought I would get to this stage. You continue to be an inspiration. How’s the train journey been so far this week?

@Bigpooh13

I think they keep up the pretence by being nice for a while to increase their chances of getting what they want on the money (which ends up being all they care about, spurred on by the OW). They stop being nice when they think they’ve got you under their thumb or when they realise they’ve lost control of you. No point trying to work them out. Just stand up for yourself. Be the strongest Big you can be.

More in a minute. Xx

@caketimeisover, what a magnificent post! It’s so brilliant I have nothing else to say. Such great advice and the Paul McKenna suggestion is very helpful. I can’t always take the advice I give to others. It helps me so much hearing advice. It definitely gives me a boost.

@Bigpooh13 put your FO face on whenever you want to look at FB or contact him. Stride around with that scary face on and you will feel much better. You have come so far!

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, you’ve worked hard to get yourself a fantastic new job. Of course he wants kibbles! You’ve surprised him. He’s trying to hoover you back in. Instead you are getting on with your life. As you say, why would you want to be even friends with someone who has hurt you so badly and who has such low values. I kept getting texts so I blocked him and life has been better since. I made him use email. And I would be so sad even if mine came back, which he doesn’t want to do (well I haven’t asked him). I can’t trust him, never will again, and I don’t like him. Of course I still love him because I haven’t had enough time to turn that off. But I don’t like him.

@SoTiredTonight, 😀, thank you!

I repeat ‘liar and cheat’ under my breath (out loud at home). It reminds me of why I have to go forwards, not backwards.

Sleep well everyone, once it’s bed time. We’ve had a hard couple of days and deserve some good times. lots of warm hugs and love to this wonderful group of warrior women. xx

Popping back to say that chumplady today is on the ‘character assassination’ and how to react to it. Might be helpful for some of us.

www.chumplady.com/2020/02/character-assassination-6-ways-to-react-to-a-false-narrative/

@caketimeisover love your ‘fading their picture’ trick. My H is clearly settling into a new relationship with OW at the moment, and it’s just too painful to contemplate that they’re both entering into this, now, with such utter selfishness, knowing it will destroy our kids and me even more than they’ve done already. Why can’t they just wait a bit?I s that too much to expect?

@ThelmaAndLouise2020 fuck the friends notion. If one of your friend did something like this to you, would you consider having a normal conversation with them again? Yes, grey rock all the way, there will be pebbles on the beach in the interim, but stay hard as. The desire will go, because he will continue the fuckwittery, and from more of a distance, you will see it. We switched to email from text/Whatsapp. Somehow less ‘friendly’ so worked better. And yes, you’re right, so much easier to advise than to know that to do ourselves!

@Feckthisshit2020 @Filly2011 hollow core of sadness here too. So hoping we all emerge from this with lightness in our hearts again. And good luck with the boiler man, for goodness sake it's due to snow, please may you have that sorted.

@bigpooh mindfuck indeed. And yes, they do seem to want to protect their image as a good guy. But frankly they can’t. Because, even without any elaboration, the facts are the facts. And good guys just don’t do this wankbadgery. Do get yourself to a (costly, but will be worth it) paid for solicitor for advice on your business. If you gantry not to contact him on SM, or anything else, I suspect that will be best. Write to us here if you need to, or send the email to yourself.

When I’m not wandering round the house shouting "You fucking bastard” out loud, which I have to admit, is frequent, I sing a song I wrote within the first few weeks of this hell, about H, melody and lyrics, and nearly 4 months in, I have to say, I think it might stand the test of time!. Can be the theme tune to the movie of my journal perhaps? Or just a mean but delectable fantasy? What are your mean but delectable fantasies about this chaos we've been flung into? We must all have them. We could cheer ourselves up a bit maybe? xx

Very helpful thanks @SuperbMonkey oh I love Chumplady so much!! Night everyone, thank you for the support today xx

@thegrassisgreenernow, you’ve written a song! So clever and should definitely be the theme tune to the movie of your journal. Who will play you and who the wankbadger?

I was thinking of the opening line of my book of the saga on my way home from work. Perhaps this is bringing out the creatives in us!

Sleep well all xx

Hi everyone. Jumping on to say ‘morning’ as I head to my interview out of town. Have a good, warriors. Make some progress and stay strong. 💪 xx

All the best of luck @Superb, let us know how it went! 😊
And good morning to everybody! xxx

Bugger did a big post earlier and it's not appearing. Why does that happen.

@SoTiredTonight, thanks so much.😀xx

Hi @Bigpooh13 🤗

Morning everyone! Good luck @SuperbMonkey!!

I'm going for a run in the rain (when will this rain stop?!) I have go when I can because I don't know how I will fit them in once I start my new job. Hopefully I'll work something out once I've settled in to a routine.

Hope you all have a good day today x

Good luck @SuperbMonkey

Thanks for the advice @thegrassisgreenernow and @caketimeisover you're right, I think it would be good (for my mental health & recovery) to move to email rather than text or WhatsApp but we share photos of DS and make plans for DS to talk to each other on FaceTime which I might miss on email only. I also really wanted us to develop a good/friendly co-parenting relationship for all our sakes but especially DS (I don't want him to think we hate each other, I had that growing up and it was miserable). I don't know, I guess I need to really think about it (and be honest with myself!) but for now I'm just going to ignore "unnecessary" messages from him about the weather, music, topical issues, family etc etc!!

Oh @Bigpooh13 very annoying to lose big messages. It's sometimes too exhausting to do all over again isn't it.

Well I got the boiler fixed so that’s good- had the heating on full blast last night! I have lots I need to do at work today but really struggling to focus. Whenever I’m asleep I just dream about them together and it really knocks me. Takes me ages to get them out of my head in the morning and then half the day is gone. Coupled with people asking perfectly normal polite questions about the baby and if my husband is excited which i really struggle to answer and I just feel like I’m slugging through mud just to survive. I know I’m not performing well and I’m letting people down and I can’t afford to jeopardise my job but I don’t know how to cope differently.

Does anyone else get these awful dreams all the time?

Good luck @SuperbMonkey
Hope you had a nice (wet) run @ThelmaAndLouise2020

@Feckthisshit2020 I did have terrible dreams for the first few months and I still (9 months in) sometimes wake with a start in a kind of blind panic.

I confess that when I wake I like this I usually think over and over ‘you are safe, you are safe, it will be OK’ until I calm down.

The thoughts about h and ow are so awful and painful aren’t they? But this wasn’t of our making.
We can’t control what dh does or thinks or the horrible behaviour of the pair of them.

I think the obsessing and dreaming are a way of trying to make sense of it all because the whole situation makes you feel so helpless.

But we are not helpless. We are just weakened and battered and need time to rest and recover.

Maybe someone else has a good tip about the intrusive dreams. I found the paul McKenna tip very helpful.

Big hug x

@Feckthisshit2020 also meant to say I have had exactly the same experience at work. Feel guilty about giving less effort than usual as my job one of the few things keeping me going!

@filly2011 thank you- I have downloaded the Paul McKenna book to read tonight

Waiting for my train home. They were lovely people and only one interview, thank goodness. I’ll know in a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed as this would be a fun role. And it pays. Many thanks to all for the good luck wishes.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, applause for the run in the rain. 👏. I will run in the rain but I don’t like it. The exercise is going to make you even stronger. Your resilience is getting higher every day.

It’s hard when you want to do things the right, the ethical way and they won’t play ball. Another area where they lie to themselves about how reasonable they are being. It sounds as if he is in the middle of the hoover stage. Doing everything he can to maintain your attachment to him. Have you sorted the finances yet? Trying not to be cynical but my recollection is that you haven’t (my memory’s probably wrong). Might be a reason for his approach but I hope not.

@Feckthisshit2020, I’m so pleased that the boiler is fixed. It is such a relief. Good for you for having the heating on full blast. The dreaming is horrible and natural. Your brain is processing the situation. It will help you in the end. What do you mean, you’re not performing well! Put that big stick down. You are going to work. Some would have taken lots of time off sick and you are pregnant. You are not letting anyone down. I have managed many teams. Never have I thought that someone in your shoes was letting me down. I wanted to support and help them. Your managers will think the same. You are coping, keep telling yourself that. How did your meeting go? I hope the Paul McKenna book helps. Let us know.

@Filly2011

What you say about the dreams is wise. I have had very few dreams since (one last night). I think I have been so in shock that my brain was in complete denial and disbelief. I repeat a mantra similar to yours when I wake up with a start. The nhs sleep programme, Sleepio, says that if awake for more than 15 minutes, get up and write down your worries and thoughts, to review at another time. This may be sufficient to get you back to sleep. Also look up progressive relaxation which is supposed to help too.

I’m trying not to expect too much of myself on days when I feel very tired and down.

Anyone else find that some friends are wonderful at checking in, making sure you’re ok, and others are rubbish? Two mutual friends appear to have been targeted by him in that he is still getting them to do dirty work for him. I’ve now reached the stage where I am cutting them loose. They could both have refused him but they haven’t, which tells me all I need to know. Disappointing but realistic.

On we go xx