Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@feckthisshit2020 you are having a really rough time sweetheart. Try to just take things hour by hour maybe? If you think about the future you are bound to feel trapped etc.
You are not trapped. You will be OK. You can’t cope with everything at once. Just thinl if things in stages.
You don’t have to worry about the house now. You can’t do anything until the baby is born anyway.
Have you got family nearby?

@Filly Good to see you. How are you?

@sotiredtonight oh you know how it is sort of ok and sort of in a horrible raw state.
I have to fight myself every day not to contact dh. Altho if I were to contact him he would be vile and I’d prob end up crying.
Can’t stand I’m so emotionally attached to the person who’s torturing me,

My little dog is the only thing that makes me happy

@Bigpooh13, sorry that you have been upset by unexpected photos. I can easily imagine how painful that must have been. And your tablet dying as well! 😤. You’ve had a bad day. You will have brought your step-daughter up well. She will know the truth. I suspect that your relationship will improve again as time goes by and things settle. She will probably end up moaning to you!

@SoTiredTonight, a perfect description of me! That’s what my Dad used to call me 😀. I will sleep better (currently sleeping to Claire In The Community’ on loop). Yes, theatre in London coming up at beginning of March ‘The Shoe Lady’ at the Royal Court. Brilliant advice from you and @caketimeisover as always. Lovely warrior women xx.

@Feckthisshit2020, life is hard for you sweetie. We can’t make it go away. We can provide a place to vent and give you the best advice we can. There’s a lot of life and work experience here.

Please get specific advice from your solicitor about how you are supposed to manage financially while the legal situation is resolved. Your solicitor will be able to write formally to your husband to tell him what is expected of him. At the moment he is running away with no responsibility. Your solicitor can call him to account and relieve you of a worry. A simple phone call to the solicitor may help ease your mind. @Filly2011 is right about what she says. Your solicitor will probably advise letting the bank/building society know but ask and take the advice. Have a chat with Rights of Women if you haven’t already done so:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Filly, hello! I feel the same way as you. I was never allowed to have a dog! Very jealous of you for that. I do Borrow My Doggy which is fun.

Eating the biggest bowl of pasta to make up for recent small meals. Got a very busy day tomorrow and I need my strength.

Love to all of you. You are 🌟.

Fucks sake the boiler has just packed in. No heating or hot water. 😭😭😭

@SuperbMonkey @Filly2011 and everyone else thank you for your support. I know I have to stop thinking ahead because it’s too much I just feel completely out of control.

But I have two little girls and a very cold house so I’d better pull on my big girl pants and carry on adulting I suppose. I fell apart for a bit but I can’t do that for long.

@SuperbMonkey you have inspired me- pasta with cheese it is, under a blanket and praying for a carb coma

@Feckthisshit2020, you will not believe this. Exactly the same thing happened to me on the coldest weekend of last year! The boiler died. I could not believe it! There came a point at which I almost sat on the kitchen floor and wailed with grief. I know exactly how you feel. It’s like the whole universe is conspiring to make your life as difficult as possible. I got the name of a lovely boilerman from my neighbour. I explained my situation. He did everything he could to get the problem fixed as quickly as possible, including working in a Sunday. I was so grateful I could have cried again.

You’ve got this! Your girls are lucky to have you, as is the new tiny on the way. Make sure you tell people what you are dealing with. You may be surprised by the large number of very kind people out there, people who will do all they can to help. Borrow heaters if you need to. Let us know how you get on. Sending the warmest hugs possible to all of you. xx

@Feckthisshit2020 those little girls and tiny unborn baby are lucky to have you. You are the powerhouse that is going to look after them. Your dh is unimaginably weak and cruel. Believe in yourself. You can do this. One day he’ll be sorry he did this to you and want you back and by then you will be long gone. Xx

Thank you for giving me a hand hold when you all have shitty times. @SuperbMonkey did you think it was a solicitor letter as I dread one landing on the doormat. But it would mean that we can start sorting finances but still dont want it. It's weird.

I can say that so many things start to go wrong when u feel as bad as you do. Do you think it is a test. Make us cope and to make us realise we can do this on our own.

@feckthisshit2020 do get yourself to your GP as there are definitely meds you can use safely in pregnancy to help you sleep in a crisis. And you really sound like you need a full night's sleep (or a few). My goodness, it's a saviour when you get it. Am sure we've all realised that it's one (or THE) most important physical thing to get us through this.

@Bigpooh13, yes, that’s exactly what I thought! I know I could have coped with it, but I didn’t want to have to. I expect that there’s a rational reason why lots of things go wrong at the same time. I. Ant think what that might be. Every problem we solve increases our ability to cope, and our resilience. I do believe that. Have a restful night, and sleep well without worry. Xx

@Feckthisshit2020, please take @thegrassisgreenernow’s good advice. You need sleep. Coping without sleep is much harder. The carb dose from the pasta and cheese should help with a good night. You are doing so well. xx

Sleep well everyone. We’ve warriored through another day towards a more peaceful life.

Hi everyone. Dropping by to say that I hope you slept well and are feeling ready for the the day. I’m running about a bit today, so will be back later. Have a good one. Stay strong Warrior Women xx

Hello everyone and @SuperbMonkey just going to work. Managed to sleep without sleeping pill. Wish I didn’t have sort of hollow core of sadness whatever I do. Guess it will go in time.
Hugs to you all.

Morning all. I have a big meeting today which I will have to try and fit getting a boiler man around. I have decided today is to be day 1 of low contact so am fighting myself messaging him. Going to throw myself at work instead and just go hour by hour. Good luck everyone, and thank you for the support.

@SuperbMonkey good luck with everything you have going on and @filly2011 well done on a good sleep- I know exactly what you mean about the hollow core of sadness.

@feckthisshit2020 I too really struggle with not contacting h. If it makes sense I’m kind of outraged that he can just go days and weeks without wanting to talk to me at all and I keep wanting to say that.

But - contacting him does nothing but give him the chance to be rude, indifferent, hostile, dismissive. Why give him that chance?

Sometimes he just does exaggerated loud yawning on the phone, or crunching as if he can’t be bothered to stop eating crisps.

God he’s an arse.

@filly2011 yes that’s exactly how I feel too- and I also keep thinking of ways he’s lied to me that I didn’t know at the time and want to convey my hurt anger outrage and disgust. But as you say- it does no good because fundamentally they don’t care. They aren’t sorry and they don’t want to make it better. So it just makes you feel worse. And that is what I am trying to hold onto. He doesn’t care. I have to stop projecting values on to him that he has shown he doesn’t have. He isn’t who I thought he was.

@Feckthisshit2020 we're here for you! If you want to message him, send it here instead. Low contact gets easier and has frankly saved my sanity, I know others have found that it helps massively too.

First couple of weeks after he left I tried to talk normally with him, but it always descended into "Why did you do this? How could you do this? What about your kids??" and I'd end up a sobbing wreck on the floor. I realised I'd never understand, he couldn't explain and even if he did it wouldn't help. So I stopped talking to him altogether. I email only about the kids and separation/divorce, WhatsApp in an emergency or if an urgent response is needed but only about those things. No feelings, no questions. I cut him out. I even archive the WhatsApp chat after I use it so I don't see it sitting there all the time (or his photo 🤢). Blocked on social media etc. I can just about tell him what's needed when I hand over the kids but that's it. I also can't look at him, so when I talk to him I'm generally looking at the floor. Maybe that's weird, but it helps not to have to look at his face.

It's early days, so like you say, one hour at a time. But start getting those boundaries in place, they will help I promise.

Massive hug, good luck today everyone xxx

It just puzzles me why after he left he kept in contact so much. Texts ,phone calls , house visits, asking me to work. Etc. It was like we just having a break. But he wasnt coming back. We laughed n joked mucked around etc. Seems so strange now. Hes stopped coming around now. Just phone calls which are maliputive and bullying. I'm not gonna answer them anymore .

@Bigpooh13 it so confusing. It’s all just part of the power and control I think. As chump lady says- kibbles. It’s so hard because I know that if I’m honest with myself I desperately want him to want to come back- is that how you feel too? I know it won’t happen but that’s how I feel.

I can’t stop thinking about him with her. I dream about it, it dominates my thoughts all day. He says he’s not in contact with her but he would say that wouldn’t he. I picture them at work together. I feel sick. How do I stop this?

@feckthisshit2020 the intrusive thoughts and obsessing about him and her together are one of the worst aspects of this.

I am 9 months in from the affair announcement and I still get them - only not as often. Just now, at work, I suddenly pictured him and her driving in the countryside together which was one of their things apparently. It makes me furiously angry and horribly anxious at the same time.

I don’t think there’s much you can do to stop the thoughts. Just wait for time to fade them. And keep telling yourself that neither of them are worthy of your time.

My latest crisis was after months of him saying (begrudgingly) he was over her etc. He told the therapist he was still in love with her and grieving because he has “lost her”.

Cue emotional shit storm and back to square one for me.

@bigpooh13 and @feckthisshit2020 we have to keep reminding ourselves that they are pathetic monsters. They're not coming back and even if they did, they've broken it. You can't shoot someone in the face and then discuss whether you really wanted them dead or not - they're already dead because you shot them in the face. He killed your marriage. He's not who you thought he was. You want to go back in time and make this not happen, but it has happened and for me there's no way back. This is not how you treat someone you love. This is not how you treat someone you respect. If he's still contacting you, it's because either he wants to skip to the bit where you're friends so he doesn't have to feel guilty or indeed it's kibbles. Either way he can fuck right off. Ignore ignore ignore. Grey rock.

For me the thought of them dating, hanging out, having emotionally intimate moments (and the rest) has been horrible, especially as still they're together now and don't seem to give a shit about what this has done to me and the kids. The cruelty, the lack of compassion I just can't get my head round. How they can be happy and sleep at night I just don't know. Guess they'll be making excuses about how they were meant to be and it's all my fault or some crap like that...

But then let's be honest, there's something broken inside of these people. My ex's story will always be that he walked out on an infant as well as two other young children. There's no excuse for that, even if I was the crappiest wife in the world there's no excuse for any of it, and nothing he ever does will change that. These people are emotionally stunted, and they will carry this horrible mess with them wherever they go. I hope the guilt eats them alive in the long run.

I was messaging an old friend the other day and oh my god she was amazing. She just got it and everything she said made me want to cry. One thing she said was "Remember that you are pretty damn awesome and that awesomeness never had an iota to do with him loving you or not." So fuck him. And his girlfriend can do one as well. Wankers.

If you have pictures in your head, there's a thing in the Paul McKenna book to deal with this, I found quite a few of his visualisation tricks useful when I'm getting overwhelmed:
1 Bring to mind the picture you had of them.
2 Notice where it appears and how big it is.
3 Now drain the colour out until it looks like an old black and white picture.
4 Move the image further and further away until it is a tenth of its original size.
5 Shrink it even further; right down to a little black dot.
6 Notice how your feelings have changed and compare how you feel now to how you did before.