Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

Morning all. Have been reading along. Some excellent advice and I agree the sooner you go no/minimal contact the better. It's so hard when you've been attached to someone for so long, and when there are so many unanswered questions. But they're unanswered because there are no answers that would make sense to you, because you're a decent person with morals and values, not a bottomless pit of selfishness.

I had a nice weekend, but feeling really anxious going to the station in the morning after running into them on the platform last week. Just don't want to face either of them. I've done a pretty good job of blocking her out of my thoughts - I mean she was meant to be a friend of ours, but she clearly wasn't my friend and what she's done says far more about who she is than about me and my marriage. But can't help wonder what she thinks now - does she pity me or feel smug because she "won" him, what has he told her about me? I'll never know and it just doesn't matter, but my stupid brain keeps going to horrible places like that that have no answer and make me feel like shit. And I feel sad that she's wandering around where I live now, it doesn't feel safe any more. Bleughhhhhh.

Hey @seeyou. Wondered where you had been. Thank you for saying that you think I've improved. I have still have slumps but that's from contact with him. Nice to hear your wonderful advice n support again.
How you doing , monkey.
I have also found my neighbours to be brilliant. They feel betrayed by him as they got on well.
I've lost my sister through this as thinks after 2 months I shud have been over it. They have no idea.
Today hes pissed me off asking for greenhouse on Facebook saying he has cash waiting. Well he needs to give the cash to his wife twat.

New week ,new day . Yay. I'm hitting my credit card this week with a haircut n facial. And gonna wear my Fuck off face to the world.

@caketimeisover I’m holding your hand at the station. You are so brave. I’m in dread of seeing him every time I get on the train. I have exactly the same thoughts as you. I’m trying to rise above them but I definitely need a memory wipe. Xx

@Bigpooh13, my slumps come from contact too. Or anticipation of contact. You are doing so well. In fact you sound as hard as nails! I’m doing ok. My neighbours won’t speak to him and one is providing support for something I have to do this afternoon. My sister’s the same. She told me to give myself a slap!! And I’ve helped her through so much. That kind of comment makes me feel that I must be a horrible person. Good for you on the haircut and facial. My eyebrow shape is tomorrow. And let’s hope the greenhouse gets blown down in the wind once he’s paid for it!

xx

None of us are horrible. We dont need to rewrite our history.
It's so hard to get over the memories and the fact he was so affectionate even the day he said he was leaving.

@caketime. I feel for you. I cant believe a friend would do that. I wonder what he tells her and then think shes a cow anyway and makes her own stories up anyway.
You need ya FO face on at the station.

@superbmonkey you are not a horrible person. You are a person who is trying to cope with being betrayed in the worst way by the very person who is supposed to have your back. That’s not an easy process as we are all discovering. It can’t be rectified by ‘giving yourself a slap’.
In fact you need the opposite - you need to give yourself a break.

Fuck me I can’t do this. I just can’t. It hurts too much. I know it’s not it’s fault but I don’t want this baby. I can’t cope with it. I can’t do this.

Oh @Feckthisshit2020 I can feel your pain and I wish I could take it away. What you are going through is awful, the worst feeling...but you CAN do this and you WILL do it for your children, your baby and YOU. I promise you will feel better one day. if you are feeling like you need someone to talk to please consider calling the Samaritans www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

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Remember to be kind to yourself, talk to yourself like you would your best friend. Sending love and strength xx

Feckthisshit. Please use the samaritans. I have and do.
It's not your babies fault.
And it's not yours.

@Feckthisshit2020 you do not deserve this. What has been done to you is wrong and cruel, it would have been whenever it had happened but when you are at your most vunerable? Unfathomable and unforgivable. Fuck him fuck him fuck him.

When my ex left I had moments of feeling like it would be so much easier without the baby. Why couldn't he have left before I was pregnant? Who decides after baby number 3 that maybe their marriage sucks?! A DICKHEAD. Who starts fucks off with someone else when their wife is pregnant for god's sake?! A selfish pit of need. Someone who can't feel respect, love, empathy or any kindness. Just the worst.

Being back in baby land with no partner, I would not have chosen that. Being tied to him for what, the next 18 years and beyond, when I wish I could just never lay eyes on him again?! VOMIT. It is so ridiculously unfair. But you know what? That baby is the last good thing that happened in our marriage and I would take my kids over a crapbag of a husband any day. Three kids? You've got this. You will do this, and it will be better because you won't have that arsehole dragging you down.

My ex hadn't literally left when I had number 3, but he wasn't really there. I was putting all three to bed by myself from when the baby was 2 weeks old. Ex had checked out and emotionally gone, he just forgot to tell me. So I get it, I get it seems impossible but you can do this. It's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. But you will do this. I was where you are (albeit having had the baby already), and now 5 months I still have my struggles (see weepy post this morning) but am coping so much better.

Have you got any practical plans for coping now and also when the baby arrives? Family and friends who can come and stay to help? Are there any practical jobs you need to do? I found having jobs to focus on (sorting finances etc) really helped in the early days after he left. And helped me feel like I was taking control of some things at least, when so much seemed so far beyond my control.

Am here with you. One day at a time, but each day dickhead free.

Oh @Feckthisshit2020, sweetie, please do not make any rash decisions in your raw emotional state. You may think that you know exactly what you do and don’t want, but it may well be that your perception is really skewed at the moment, and you might be looking at baby as part of this utterly undesirable situation. To change that isn’t going to change the overall picture as I’m sure you’re painfully aware of. You are most likely depressed, brought on by what he’s done to you, and most understandably so. But the baby isn’t the problem, unless you really felt even before that you didn’t want another DC. Having a new little person to love might be the single most blessing to come out of this totally shit situation!
Please please find someone you can talk things over with in RL, and really take your time if you seriously consider making any decisions. I really worry that you might have regrets in the future if you act hastily. We are all here for you too!

@SuperbMonkey What makes you think I’m further along the line? Far from it I’m afraid... Every day I question whether this RS is salvageable and whether it’s what I want. Seemingly forgetting that he doesn’t want to be with me but signals can be so conflicting when there’s no actual tension. Stomach in knots and foggy head seem to be constant companions. Jerking awake is new and hope it buggers off again!
Good to see you @Seeyou! Glad you’re back!

As for people not getting that this is not a get over it in a matter of weeks situation, I really just want to slap them!!! How dare anyone tell you to give yourself a slap when they clearly don’t have the faintest inkling as to the mental and emotional agony this all brings? Feeling extremely irritated on your behalf @Bigpooh13 and @Superb, and I hope that deep down you realise that neither what drivel they spout is true nor that you need their judgmental attitudes in your life. You are not bad nor weak nor pathetic nor anything else of the kind. You are beautiful ladies and you are worth so much more!
There was more I wanted to say but I can’t read all the messages on my phone without losing what I’ve typed so posting this for now.
All of you I haven’t mentioned individually, my love goes to all of you too! Have a good Monday and get that brow tidy, haircut or just a hot cuppa to make yourself feel better! xxx

@Feckthisshit2020, like the other ladies here I am concerned for you. I called the Samaritans (in my small town they have a drop in centre too). Please call them. Take all the brilliant advice that you have been given above by women who have been through the same and know what they are talking about. You are doing so, so well, and have been so strong and supportive. Do for yourself what you would do for others. Your situation is hard but temporary. Don’t make any permanent decisions as solutions for temporary problems. Let us know that you are OK because we really care xxx and hugs.

Thanks everyone. It’s just turned so nasty the last day or so, it’s horrible. I know it’s not the baby’s fault. I’m 25 weeks - there are no options there anyway, and I know I couldn’t have an abortion even if I still could. It’s just the thought of his baby inside me, feels like no escape. I know I need to change my mindset towards it but I am so tired and I just don’t know how at the moment.

I am panicking about money- we were already going to be really stretched while I’m on mat leave but now he’s got this flat I really don’t see how we are possibly going to be able to afford all the bills and food.

He’s said a lot of really really cruel things and they’ve lodged in my head and I just can’t stop crying. I want to run away but I can’t because he’s done that so I have to be there for the kids. My whole world has fallen apart and I don’t know how to put it back together. A lottery win would help!

Hi everyone. The warrior tribe is definitely feeling the strain of having partnered with fuckwits and toerags. It’s hard maintaining strength all the time. Down time is required (I’m talking to myself here).

I have just got back from CBT after also doing some food shopping so that I don’t starve. Small steps to getting back on track to taking care of myself. CBT was excellent today. The session on intrusive thoughts and challenging them came just at the right time. I learnt a lot. I haven’t digested everything yet, and the technique they taught is, apparently, a hard one to implement. Basically we have negative automatic thoughts that spring into our heads. They create troubling emotions like sadness, grief, panic, fear, and so on. The training tells me to look at the thoughts capable of challenge e.g. I make people feel angry. I then take that thought to court by listing evidence for and against. Once I’ve done that I see if I can reach an alternative to the thought e.g. sometimes I will be talking to someone on a bad day for them and they might react with anger but that anger wasn’t caused by me. It will take practice but is potentially helpful.

@Bigpooh13, @Filly2011 thank you so much for the motivating words. I was shocked at being told to give myself a slap, but then that came from someone who, on the surface, has the perfect life but is stressed out of her head and can’t give emotional support to anyone. Objectively I recognise that. It worked in the sense that I don’t expect any support from her. I haven’t given myself a break what with job hunting, managing house repairs, coping with mind games and I am tired.

@caketimeisover, you remain an inspiration. I agree with everything you say about men who leave their pregnant, post-natal wives. They are the lowest of the low and don’t deserve to have the blessing of children. Disgusting specimens of humanity.

@SoTiredTonight, you seem so together that I imagined that you were much further down the line! It’s a compliment! In a way I’m glad that I don’t have the choice of him coming back as it’s a decision that I don’t have to make. I don’t want to see, hear, or be near him ever again now I know where he’s been. Not quite possible but will be this year. He disgusts me. Thank you for your lovely words to Big and to me and to all of us. I might be more beautiful when my eyebrows have been tamed and when I’ve done the horrible thing that I have to do this pm. I have bought a bottle of wine for after the horrible thing. Alcohol isn’t necessarily good but is sometimes necessary.

Apologies in advance for typos. Suede Warrior Woman suit dry cleaned and ready to put on (sadly this is not a job for a vegan suit). xx

@Feckthisshit2020, there are no words to describe the person you married. His behaviour is truly repulsive. Take one thing he said to you. Look at it calmly. Is there evidence against what he said (there will be)? Focus on the evidence against. Have you spoken to the CItizen’s Advice Centre for advice? Bigpooh did this and it really helped her get focus and strength. A solicitor would help you too. Have you had any free appointments yet? Can someone go with you? Ask us questions and we will try to answer them or point you in the right direction. Lots of hugs. xx

@Superb, I took it to be meant as a compliment but it’s not warranted! lol I hope my words didn’t come across as challenging or even aggressive, I merely meant to point out that I have nothing together really. Well, not inside anyway. I think I’ve got very good at putting up a front and I’m wondering whether that is hindering my progress more than anything? I realise I’m in denial an awful lot of the time because the alternative has gotten far too scary again. I feel that I was at some point a lot further along but then got really frightened at the prospect of a future totally different to what I’ve known for so long.
@Feckthisshit2020 I am so glad to hear that an abortion isn’t an option; I’d just be so worried that you’d regret it and end up with a massive amount of guilt over something you could never undo. I hope that makes sense... of course your situation is hideous, but I’m really hoping that in the longer term you will be able to see good coming from it.
Your wank badger (love that word!) and his behaviour are reprehensible beyond belief and I hope that in time you will feel glad to be rid of him and rebuild a far happier future for yourself and DCs.
@Superb again, your CBT sounds so encouraging albeit hard work - you are one determined lady and I am sure it will start paying off for you soon! I will try to investigate if it is something I can avail of via my GP in addition to my counselling.
I am unsure as to whether I’ve missed what the horrible thing is you need to do? Or maybe that’s all you’ve mentioned? I have to say you look amazing in your non vegan warrior suit, eyebrows done or not!
@caketimeisover Your post from 12:14 is Pow.er.ful!!! You are inspirational and hopefully @Feckthisshit2020 can draw some encouragement from the words of someone (you!) who really REALLY understands what she’s going through!
Must dash to get a few things done but will be dropping in through your the afternoon. Much love to all! xxx

@SoTiredTonight, 😀, it’s entirely warranted. Even if you don’t feel together you are ‘faking it till you make it’ very effectively. You were your usual lovely, caring self and not in the least bit challenging. Whatever you decide in the end will be the right decision for you. What you describe is the rollercoaster of all this, the imagined life lost, the damage to past happy memories, fear of the future. I wish I was a robot and not a human most of the time.

No, you haven’t missed the horrible thing I have to do. I haven’t said what it is because I may be catastrophising and a weekend of worry may have been unnecessary. I’m glad to have support though, as I know I will get a handhold and a hug. I’m trying to stay determined as there is a danger that the mind games are wearing me down. As that’s the intention I need to remain fit and focused. We all do. Thank you for the hilarious compliment on my suit. I reckon that the hairy eyebrows will be extra scary so will help. I e been practising the @ FO face with added glowering. 🤣. That’s made me smile. xx

That should have said ‘I’ve been practising @Bigpooh13 ‘s FO face’. Letters keep disappearing!

@SuperbMonkey, your post made me first smile, then tear up, then cheer you on and finally chuckle, in that order! Thank you!! 😄
And whatever the horrible thing is, you go out there and kick some ass with your scary eyebrows and @Bigpooh13’s FO face! 👹
And come back here with your 🍾 for a massive hug and handhold later on, we’ll be here waiting for you! 😊 xxx

Handhold at the ready.

I had gud intentions today.
My bro asked me to look for a photo of our childhood home in my mums stuff.
Yep I found photos of me n hubby that I didnt know my mum had and i hadnt remembered. So that was me sobbing then fell asleep. Doh.
Another day wrote off.
I was texting his eldest daughter this morning we used to call each other step pies and had a great relationship. She now calls me my nickname as I'm no longer her step mum. That really hurts. I'm trying not to think that him n OW have wasted my life . Letting me bring up their kids so was so nice of them.
Not
My tablet gave up today as well. Just another thing to add to the list.

@SoTiredTonight, lol! I was catastrophising! The signed for letter that I had to collect was theatre tickets. My friend was very nice about it. I thought I’d lost the initiative when it’s important to me to keep it. Well, keeping it is an exaggeration. I mean seize the initiative. Horrible things still to come but not today. I may also have learned a useful lesson. I’m happy to have the hug and handhold anyway as I had worked myself up to a huge state over this. Emotional incontinence in bucket loads. Hardly any sleep this weekend. Masses of crying.

Of course @Bigpooh13‘s FO face may have done the trick. Probably not, because my FO face isn’t as highly skilled as Big’s.

Thanks for the support. xx

How do people afford to rent and maintain the family home? I can’t make it add up and am panicking. There’s not enough time to sell before mat leave.

@Bigpooh13 You poor thing, it sounds like a pretty shit day. I’d struggle with the photos too I think...
As to stepdaughter, try not to think of it in those terms. You are texting her so I assume (hope?) you are still as close as you were? Maybe the dynamics will change slightly, but what could be bad about a woman/woman friendship? I really hope the both of you will work it out just right! 😊
Stupid tablet; these things always come one after the other...
@SuperbMonkey What?? You silly sausage! 😉 Glad that you got your tickets a d presumably that also means you have a nice night out coming up? You deserve it! And maybe you’ll sleep a lot better tonight! xx
@Feckthis I understand that the financial scenario must feel overwhelming but I am sure there is help available! Remind me, you do own your house? Have you spoken to CAB at all? Also as was recommended on our previous thread I think, CAP (Christians again Poverty) are really really good. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be a Christian and they will not try to indoctrinate you, but they offer lots of advice re budgeting, debts etc. I’m sure between the two organisations you will glean some clarity quite quickly. Why don’t you aim to call/visit one of them tomorrow? I promise it’ll take a tiny bit of pressure off just talking to someone who knows this stuff! ❤️ xxx

@Feckthisshit2020 have you had any legal advice about how to proceed? What is he proposing should happen, has he thought about budgeting, has he already rented somewhere? And what about child access, is the plan for him to have the big kids for overnight visits? Surely given that you're pregnant he's going to have to house you and the children as a priority (ie you stay in the house, even if that's not a long term solution) and then he can work out what he has left to house himself? Eurgh what a wanker.

Glad @caketime has jumped in with some concrete advice, I really don’t know about any of it as my situation is totally different. So glad everyone here is so quick to offer support to each other! Thank you all for being part of my ‘home group’! It’s a pleasure ‘knowing’ you all! 😊 xxx

@sotiredtonight @caketimeisover thank you for replying. We own with a very big mortgage- it’s our dream forever fixer upper home- ha! I can’t take the mortgage over by myself. If we weren’t having another baby I could just about pay for everything but with the additional childcare I’m screwed.

I have had legal advice- which was basically not to do anything until I’m back to work after mat leave and certainly not before the baby is born- in case of complications/disability etc. Although scans have been fine the advice was you never know. So I feelstuck and very overwhelmed and trapped and panicked and completely out of control.