Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

Feck I've found the same. It's amazing how kind people are. My DSister reminded me that most people are not arseholes and I'd be right there for anyone in trouble too - and I bet that applies to you as well. It's lovely to feel so supported though.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies@SuperbMonkey Thank you for your comments re Parkrun I am immensely proud of myself!! And to all the other ladies please consider joining if there is one near you. I walk and jog (for honesty I jog at walking pace lol) and superb is right it is so inclusive of all abilities and all from volunteers to serious runners are so kind and encouraging, it really gives me and dd a boost for the following week and we eat hot buttery toast with jam as a reward each week. My temple body is a very large round temple!!
Myself and H are communicating for dd but very minimal and again I would agree with the others that as difficult as this is it is definitely much better for my mental health, as is reorganising and decorating although I am sure my boss is worried as I went a bit mad and painted the whole house in a very haphazard manner!! It is now my space with less triggers of memories although I am still caught off guard by that moment of guess what? When there is no one there to tell. However, for all the new ladies please take solace in your comfy chairs and know we are all warriors and all manage to support each other by being at differing parts of our journeys.
Take care and keep cosy all Xx

Thank you all . You are all so kind.

Today I realised I need to listen more.

I hope you all had a good day.

@Feckthisshit2020 and @NomDeQwerty, your comments are life-affirming. I have no doubt that both of you will pass the kindness on because you are kind, non-cynical women. You are both valued.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, what a great update. parkrun is good for the soul, (obviously not for those like our husbands who don’t have one). The ‘haphazard’ decorating sounds interesting. Making the space your own is so important. My new approach is to throw something left behind away when I feel sad. It makes me feel so much better. Keeping cosy and strawberry and cream muffins are just out of the oven.

@Tinydancer123, why do you feel that you have to listen more? I’m interested. My day has been ok. I had a bit of a cry earlier, then chatted with a friend for a couple of hours and felt better. What do you have to listen to?

Every Sunday I end up in a massive slump, sobbing my heart out. It doesn’t matter what I do during the day, there comes a point at which I fall apart. It is exhausting and I’m so angry that my life has been turned upside down. 😡

I'm with you @suberbmonkey.

Friends -' I've seen a new light with the friends situation.

People I thought were friends arent . There are ones that just wanna get the gossip.
People I hardly know have been the most caring and supportive.
My best friend for years luv her I wouldn't have survived this far without her.
My cousins ex wife has been great I didnt know this is what she went through. Another lying bloke,
She told me about the 'fuck off' face thought that's abit harsh . But I used it today. I was in the local DIY shop and I walked past this couple o recognised them as a brother of a friend . They were talking and they saw me they stopped talking n stared at me. They no attempt to speak to me so I gave them the FO face it worked a treat.

Dont let him win. You pick me up so often. Let me do the same for you.
Your not slumping you are just tired of all this shit possibly lonely . Snap.
Think of how far you have come and how you help the rest of us.
Such a dick to lose you. As he has .
I would love to run but my back injury wont allow me another thing he has fucked up for me. As it was caused by working on the farm.
I admire you and the others .
Salute you warrior women

@Bigpooh13, thank you so much for your funny, lovely post. I like your sense of humour so much.

I know what you mean about friends. There are people who just want gossip. I’m losing faith with mutual friends too. My neighbour, who I hardly knew before, has been amazing, as has one of her friends. My neighbour went through the same thing 20 years ago with 4 children including 2 with special needs. She is so strong. I love the idea of the FO face. I just don’t understand the cruelty of some people.

I am trying so hard not to let him win. Thank you for picking me up, as I needed that. I am tired of it all, nearly 6 months now, and I am lonely too. Not all the time, but Sundays are bad. I have to replace happy memories with thoughts of how he has behaved and I hate that.

Pity you can’t sue him for the back injury! Even if you can’t run you can walk and it will help your back. Gentle exercise is good for most backs. I hope your gym session went well. I salute you in return. Thank you. xx

I think I just rant alot and I do not tend to listen to my Husband or others when I go on one. I just talk and talk. It can be quite draining. A friend pointed it out in a kind way. By no means is it all my fault but I think my communication with him and others needs vast improvement.

I am here to chat to you xxxx

@Tinydancer2013, thank you.

When I read your earlier post, I worried that you might be taking responsibility for having done something wrong. It’s helpful to recognise when communication needs improvement. However this situation is far from being your fault and ‘ranting’ and/or not listening does not excuse his behaviour in any way.

I feel that I am a small piece in some complex game that I don’t understand and over which I have no control. None of this was of my choosing and I am very conscious of running to catch up. Well,I never will catch up because events are moving too quickly for me to do so. I wish I’d never met him. The pain of this hasn’t been worth the pleasure from the relationship. I would rather never have loved than gone through this. I’m not feeling strong tonight but I know that I have to find strength from somewhere. xx

@SuperbMonkey we are here to handhold and support you through the slumps just the same as you provide great support to us all on this thread. @Bigpooh13 also love the idea of a fuck off face and intend to develop one imminently! I have also been touched by the few good friends who have made sure I’m alright, have laughed and cried with me and check in frequently when I know they have their own family lives to get on with @Tinydancer123 A bit of a rant does us all good sometimes, I was perturbed when someone at work (just before I went off) asked if I was alright because I wasn’t as emotive in a work meeting as I usually would be, nevermind I had actually been trying to contain. That side of me anyway. Go quiet, freak them all out, lol.
Here’s looking for a restful sleep tonight warrior women xx

@SuperbMonkey I feel exactly the same- wouldn’t change my children obviously but so wish he wasn’t their dad so I could just never have to deal with him again. He messes with my head so much. I just want him to be the man I thought he was.

Well done everyone for getting through the weekend. I’m looking forward to being back at work and kids back to school- less time to think and be in this house I once loved and now feel anxious in.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, thanks for the handhold. I need it. xx

@Feckthisshit2020, thanks for providing support. The messing with the head is intended to wear us down and tonight it’s succeeded. I’ve had enough emotional turmoil. I need to warrior woman up or he’s going to walk all over me. xx

You can handle him @SuperbMonkey , you know this is a slump tonight but tomorrow is a new day and another day you have survived without him. You have been doing so well and you will feel better in the morning. The best revenge is to live your best life. Think about yourself not him. Sleep well xx

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, thanks so much to you and to everyone else for your support. I am so appreciative, and you have all made me feel stronger. I feel so much affection coming from you women who I have never met, joined in adversity. Thank you, thank you. xx

@SuperbMonkey please please remember that you are so much better than him. Don't let the bastard grind you down. He's just not worth it.

And I bet you really did have great years together, no? Don't let him change that narrative of your life, because it's just not true. Of course it isn't.

He's just changed now, and that's something he will have to live with forever. He wasn't always like this, but he is now. As are all our ex-other halves. We're better off without having that crap in our lives.

(goes to bed snivelling)

He makes me feel like I’m going crazy. He can be so mean and angry. When I think I’m saying something logical he freaks out at me. I just don’t know how to communicate with him anymore. We’ve had a horrible fight and more horrible things have been said. I’m so sick of it. I just want to fast forward a year and be able to move on. I feel so stuck and out of control with this pregnancy. I can’t sleep again and can’t take anything and I just don’t know how to do this.

Only catching up as been with family all day; so tired but didn’t want to not drop in to wish you all a good night.
I’m sorry so many of us are having such a difficult time right now, I find that I have some good days follower by hideously awful ones. Still trying to figure out what the pattern is behind it - apart from obvious triggers!? Being lonely, tired, hungry, stressed certainly are to be avoided, I know that much by now...
Well done to all you runners, you rock!
@Feckthis he’s gaslighting you which is why you feel like you’re going crazy. You’re not. He’s rewriting reality so he doesn’t look the baddie. Arsehole.
As for the sleeping, I think there’s an anti sickness drug that’s safe for use in pregnancy and will also work as a sleeping pill... can you call your surgery tomorrow to check if they can help? You will feel a lot worse if you’re not sleeping, and both you and baby need some rest!
I’m sorry I’m not replying individually but did read everyone’s posts and thinking of you all and sending much love. xxx

Hello ladies. I was Stillfunny but somehow got locked out and had to register again.
One thing about not being here for awhile means I can see how far along we all are.
Especially you, Bigpooh13.
I am so glad to see that you have regained your strengths to cope with all this. Hoping the finances work out too.
To all the recent posters , take heart from all those further along. All of us have been through the same gut wrenching emotions . And I am finding that only those that have been through it can appreciate it.

I am finding my family have become almost bored with it all as nothing is happening. As he is still in the house, people assume it is OK and seem almost mad that I have told about his cheating and lies . But I could not pretend any longer and had to make it clear that I no longer wanted to act like a couple.

The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. And I am getting to that stage now.And it feels good. Still going to counselling for help to cope with the life I now have to live.

So, glad to be back .

Hi Everyone, sorry it's been a few days i had to clear my head. I am happily back in my home away from soon to be ex oh. I have done a little bit of digging and bingo. He has a second Instagram account and a lot of attention and comments for men being women. Some of this was before we got together but a lot since we got together. I haven't confronted him but it is safe to say i can't continue with a relationship. Its not what i have signed up to. At the moment i am trying to work out how i approach him. I know i need to but i am so hurt.

Morning everyone, I haven't read the recent posts but just wanted to quickly share a good blog with useful tips to help us all feel better: www.runawayhusbands.com/blog-posts/four-practices

Have you all heard of Vikki Stark from "runaway husbands"? I signed up to her free 7 day email course when H left me (6 months ago) and found them very helpful, you can sign up here: www.runawayhusbands.com/services

I also found this list on the same page:

Hope this is helpful to anyone not already aware of Vikki x



Trying to attach the list again!

Morning everyone.

@thegrassisgreenernow, thanks for your kind words which I read this morning. Everything you say is true. We had many excellent years together. This trait, to rewrite a whole relationship, is so difficult to get my head round. I am slowly and painfully concluding that it’s part of the dishonest personality. Rather than face the truth, the dishonest person lies about everything. The lies escalate into every part of life. Doesn’t make dealing with them rational or easy (although, of course, their rewritten history means that they see all of it as rational, because they’ve twisted the facts to suit their version of events). This is about the survival of their ego and nothing else. With hindsight my ex was always dishonest and sly, primarily about little things. He would lie and smirk. A red flag for me now is a smirk.

@Feckthisshit2020, sensible communication is so difficult. When divorces become acrimonious and people pass judgement, they don’t realise that one party may be dealing with a very disordered person, who appears charming and rational but who, behind the scenes, is emotionally abusive.

@SoTiredTonight, good to hear from you and your words of wisdom from further down the line. Thanks too for the love.

@Seeyou, good to know that’s you Stillfunny. I was wondering where you were. My family have been useless once they decided that I should have got over it. I’ve also found out who my friends are. But I have made new ones. I agree that only those who have been through it truly understand the visceral pain of these situations. Bereaved people say the same though. They get sympathy then people expect them to move forward unrealistically quickly. I’m pleased that the counselling is helping. It helps me too, but this place is my counselling home.

@Sweetmummy77, welcome back, but sorry to read about the results of your digging. We need to know the truth to let go. It doesn’t make it any less painful to find out. Do you have to approach him yourself? It’s hard when you are sad and hurting.

Well I better get on with whatever today is going to bring. CBT this morning and I’m seeing friends this afternoon, with work from home in between. I hope everyone has a good day. xx

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, posts crossed. I’m signed up to runawayhusbands too. It is a helpful site. Thanks for the list