Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

I can’t decide which would be worse…
If I knew he was deliriously happy, that would be so, so hurtful, but at least I might have a sense that the destruction was worth it on some level. Knowing he’s most likely just making the best of things, and potentially has regrets makes it all seem such a waste. Does that make sense?

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies this makes perfect sense to me and it is a battle raging in my head all the time. I also have the added mind fuck of worrying about him on top. It's so hard after 19 tears together to just stop caring and doing things for your person isn't it, even when they have betrayed you horribly. After initially being cold and distant he is still calling me the love of his life (but still blaming me) and sometimes hinting at wanting to come back. He definitely regrets it all but I think he knows we can't recover from it now (plus it's all still my fault it happened in the first place - I am trying hard to fight his narrative but inside I really do worry there is something wrong with me). He still looks to me for support - emotional and practical - and stupidly I sometimes give it to him!! I am trying to withdraw this but it is incredibly hard and leaves me feeling guilty. So many interesting observations you make in your post but this really caught my eye.

You and @SuperbMonkey really are such a comfort. Keep on keeping on wonderful warrior women. We are so much stronger than these pathetic cheaters and we will win in the end x

Morning all. Let's try to let the wind blow away our tears today, eh?

Thank you all for amazing advice. @ThelmaAndLouise2020, what a brilliant list. @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, what a wonderfully thoughtful post. @NomDeQwerty what a lot of horrible experience you have, though thank you so much for helping us by sharing it. @SuperbMonkey you are our wise warrior, I really hope someone is there IRL being equally wise for you.

@RupaulsHagface it is so so shit in the early days and weeks, but we all promise that the awful pain you are in just now will pass. I was there 3 months ago and thought I would die of it. But I didn't and none of us have. I've found it helpful to think of it in terms of a physical trauma, somehow easier to grasp:

So at the moment you've been run over by a bus. You're on the ITU. You need to be looked after, and can't think for yourself. Your body is in shock. Let others help you, you can't function normally, so you have to. In a month you'll be off ITU but still on a High Dependency ward. You'll still need tons of help to get through each day but will be able to start thinking straighter and doing some things for yourself. You'll be coming out of acute shock but will still be in trauma. You'll need to be incredibly gentle and caring with yourself. At three months most of the acute the shock has gone, you're still traumatised but the bruises have changed colour and the bones are healing.

I don't yet know what happens after that!

Missed you @smallboxofchocolates.

Thank you for your magnificent and so true post. I resinate with so much of it.
I agree @superbmonkey keeps me going.

His new line to friends is that the relationship came to it's natural end. If so why didnt i know that.

I dont think hes truly happy but is stuck with it now. Especially when he used to slag her off to me and say it wont last. Which hurt so much to give up on us after 19 years and our plans for something that he doesnt think will last. This also gave me the hope that he would be back especially with all the kissing n cuddling.

I now am trying to accept it's over.
Hes made his choice and now just wants me gone as I'm now just a financial pain in the butt.

To the newbies . Just hang on in there.

Have a look at poetry by RH Shin. Hez on Instagram and it's so true.

" stop forcing life into the ghost of everything he used to be ".

When does it stop feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body, stamped on then thrown against a wall and left there to rot?

Many thanks to all of you for your kind words. I’m feeling less than warrior-like right now. Anxiety about the future is my main issue. Something happens and I worry about it endlessly. And the thing may or may not happen. The CBT does help with that as long as I catch the anxiety early.

@thegrassisgreenernow, what a brilliant analogy. Very useful. Mostly I am looking after myself in real life. Family not interested. They are very self-absorbed. I do have friends close and further away. They have their own lives and it is half term.

@Bigpooh13
My ex views me in the same way. He acts as if he wants to hurt me as much as he can and wreck my life insofar as that’s within his power. I am not permitted to have any will of my own or to defend myself. He clearly blames me for the fact that he was with me for over 20 years and married me when he should, in his mind, have been with OW. Now he wants his revenge because I ruined that part of his life. I’m so tired of it all. As far as I can recall he went out with her and dumped her and she married someone else too. I must have drugged him for the last two decades! Forced him to buy property and so on.

Silent scream xx

@suberbmonkey. Exactly how I feel.
They both left their husband n wife fir each other moved in with my friends until they got there own place. She got pregnant straight away so they got married then she got pregnant straight away again.
After 4 years she left him for someone else n left the kids with him.
Now 27 years later they are in love .
Really.

Someone asks when the pain goes away. It does lessen.

I'm really frightened of the future.
Just didnt expect this or what to do.
I'm currently listing all the things that have gone wrong in the house and I've had to fix as the universe is testing me.

@RuPaulsHagFace, what @ThelmaAndLouise2020 says is so true. I was there. I didn’t think I could get through it. But I am still standing – we all are. Sometimes things are ok, and sometimes they are so, so not ok, but we’re still here. Each day stronger, each day closer to finding some peace with it all, even though it doesn’t always feel that way.

@SuperbMonkey, oh I hate the idea of that invasion of privacy. Can I say your H is more muppet than puppet? Although I feel that’s insulting to Kermit & co. And the need to share things! What am I supposed to do with some of the information he gives me? Commiserate? Advise? Who knows.

And oh god @ThelmaAndLouise2020, the worrying about them! Really brain? That’s where you’re going???

And the conflicting messages are such a mindfuck. One of H’s latest was a bit of a ramble (as so much of his conversation is nowadays). Essentially, going backwards 6-7 months to try and salvage what was a 22 year #squadgoals marriage (at least according to friends and family) = A Bad Idea.

But going backwards nearly 30 years, to a relationship that failed time after time (for valid reasons) = A Good Idea.

So many words, so little sense.

And @Bigpooh13 – your wankbadger sounds similar to mine – not happy but potentially so in self-protective denial they have to build bigger and more elaborate ‘fake news’ narratives just to get through the day. They must be knackered! If only they’d put that much effort into being, you know, decent people..!

And that applies to yours too, @SuperbMonkey – they have to build to survive, they have to hit out and blame otherwise the whole edifice will collapse and having to face themselves and their truth Must Not Be Allowed, at all costs.

Even Warriors need their down time to recharge and allow the emotions in. You are no less a Warrior for feeling sad.

I do think you, me and Bigpooh13 have a weird bunch of nostalgia-chasing man-babies between us, don’t we? I can only assume our very fabulousness highlights their inadequacies to themselves, so they have to scuttle off for some second-rate worship and bargain-basement ‘love’. I pity them.

It is hard and shit though, isn’t it?

Am about to launch my droopy self into action rearranging some furniture, then preparing for a friend coming round for cocktails.

Saturday group hug…

I cant stand this loneliness makes it harder. Just you and me that's all we need he said to me numerous times. Wheres that left me. Thanks huney for cutting me off from friends at my age.
Saturday night we would be out in the pubs and dancing. Or early doors and a curry or pizza.
Not now. Thanks again you selfish twat.
This time of year we would be on our way to lanzarote. Twat
Sorry . Just ranting.
Hope you all coping.

Rant everyone rant.
I have a bottle of prosecco . I felt better with no wine but this is my last cry day. Maybe.
Why are they such twats ?????

Not even going to talk about twats of men. Today I did my second parkrun in rain, sleet, thunder and sunshine all in under 1 hour. Go me and is warrior women, men don’t know how lucky they were to have us and at some point will regret letting us go when it’s too late!

Has anyone sent angry texts , emails ?
Or am I a special kind of angry ?

Hi All

I’ve had a decent day today. Very damp parkrun completed. Bacon sarnie and coffee for breakfast. Good chat with neighbour and lovely ladies in the cafe. Then shopping with friend and I bought myself a very beautiful blouse. Used birthday money, so no guilt attached 😀. Football team won! Cooked dinner for friend (recently bereaved). Then chatted for a few hours. Tomorrow I must do some housework and work work.

So how’s everyone doing? @Bigpooh13, I feel your pain. He’s all the things you say. But you do so much better when you focus on you, not them. Ranting is very necessary though ... Tomorrow is another day said Scarlett ‘Bigpooh’ O’Hara 🤭 as she swished her hair and crinoline round the verandah.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, I’ll take ‘muppet’ with due respect paid to Kermit. Oversharing is tedious, but probably reflects their self-absorption. Everyone must be as interested in them as they are in themselves. Your H’s brain does sound very muddled. And illogical. And delusional, but then aren’t they all? Your assessment of the situation you, Bigpooh, me and, I think, @Filly2011 find ourselves in is spot on. 🍹 😋 Saturday hug returned x

@Tinydancer123

Prosecco is good and, I’ve heard, nourishing. Sadly @Emmerdaledramaqueen and I are parkrunners, so our bodies are temples. That’s right Emmer isn’t it? Congratulations on your second in challenging weather ( it was hard today). Warrior on!

Love to all in this thread. xx

@Tinydancer123, I refuse to send angry texts, emails or anything else. If I do so this will prove how ‘difficult’ I am and I will not give him that satisfaction. My aim is to enhance his inadequacy by rising above his lower elementness. Xx

@Tinydancer123 yes I have given in to the anger yesterday and today. I don’t feel better for it and need to learn to control it. I need to stop veering from HOW FUCKING COULD HE to a sobbing heap. But- how fucking could he?!

I am also getting too much detail and his self pity and self absorption is ridiculous. I wish I could stop going over the last few years and feeling revelation after revelation as the lies slot into place and I realise everything I thought was good and real was bullshit. It makes me so sad and so angry.

You are amazing . I need to take this attitude. I am not there yet . 😣😣😣😣

@Feckthisshit2020, I was a sobbing heap on Friday evening. As long as I cry in a safe place or with friends, that’s ok. Being a sobbing heap is painful but helps to clear the fog.

@Tinydancer123 and Feck, please don’t beat yourself up for texting and being angry. You don’t need to do that. I am over 5 months in. I realised that his texts were just part of his detachment and were making me hurt even more. In order to stop that hurt I had to stop sending texts. Low contact is the way to go, I promise you.

Revelation after revelation! Yes I’m in the thick of that. Another source of pain. But the revelations will end because they cannot last. Each revelation that you confront and survive (which you will) gives the next one less power. They become meaningless. You won’t believe this now, and why should you believe anything that anyone says? You’ve been let down so badly by others. But it is true. Make yourselves a cup of tea, snuggle down, and regroup. All will be ok.

Morning all.

Love to you.

Up all not angry then crying. Look like a weasel .

Recalled the very first message I found.....I had blocked it out somehow , but it was on FB messenger and he had messaged her after his gym class. I recall finding it strange to message your gym instructor !? To come home and search her? That was the first flag. @Feckthisshit2020
I feel your pain , I am so sorry . I am the same . He still claims nothing happened.

@Supberb it will not let me tag you how are you today? I need to detach I go from love and begging to anger. He still denies anything but stands by it is over .

I agreed to a day with the family it was lovely but then at the end he was cold. My heartbreak started again. I know no contact is the only way.
I so , so want him to try to save us . I am willing to give it my all but he seems done totally done .

@Tinydancer2013, a weasel is a good analogy. They’re fierce little creatures. Their coats are a lovely, golden colour. Channel your inner and outer weasel.

The tag has worked so don’t worry about that. I am feeling determined today. I’m focusing on staying at home (the weather is awful) and getting some positive stuff done. I am going to do a mindfulness and yoga session at home later on. I’ve eaten some breakfast and drinking green tea. I’m working on making mindful choices to help me stay focused. Thinking about doing some baking as well. Perhaps some strawberry muffins. 😋

Tiny, sending love back to you. You might be torturing yourself by picking the scab. That message has been and gone. You blocked it in your head for a reason. I promise you that all I have had are denials and it’s over. That’s the script. Try to use that to detach. Identify it as a problem to be solved. Set out some steps for how you solve it, and take one tiny dancing move forward at a time. He was cold after a lovely day because that’s a step in his detachment. He can also report back accurately that he was there for the children and was cold to you. He’s not then lying to the gym instructor.

Tell us about a treatment that you would really like for yourself. I’m going to book an eyebrow shape this week. Inexpensive but gratifying. What might you have time to treat yourself to this week? Let’s share some thoughts.

The suggestions sound much too small to make any difference. They will change your approach over time.

Lots of love xx

And chucking stuff out! So therapeutic 😀

So sorry for my rant yesterday. Think I was having a bit of a pity party. That doesnt help.
Yes I've slumped but that's due to him. No contact is the key.
He makes it so obvious that I mean nothing to him now. All his memories and our life has gone to him.

I'm not there yet .
I am lonely but thats the way it is.
I am scared for the future but have no choice but to keep going.
I write emails to him that I dont send. I've been reviewing them and I definitely wouldn't send them now.
I want to text him texts he send me lady year but what's the point it would just let him know I was thinking of him and he would just use it to manipulate me.
Thanks everyone for the kick up the arse. Which I could do that to him.
My back is hurting so I'm just going to the gym and have a walk on the treadmill. My membership runs out in a couple of months as he bought it for my birthday. Then moaned every time I went as I wasnt with him. Arse arse ,arse , arsehole . 🤫🤷‍♀️💔

@bigpooh my life is currently just like yours, the pain is indescribable. I feel like he is now indifferent to my existence, I don't matter. How anyone can not feel a thing after 22 years I have no idea, I wish I could switch off the love. I go from wanting him back to believing I can do this alone, back and back again.

He was my best friend, I don't think anyone knew the real me other than him. It's hard watching my family cry at my heartbreak. My mam always said if I could have picked a son in law it would have been him. He is a completely different person to the one I knew. He died that night to me, the man he was. Then was replaced by this cruel robot without feelings.

I just can't see how I can get through this x

Happy Sunday - hope you are not getting blown away - it is very windy here.

@Bigpooh13, we spent most of our time together too. I did have friends and saw them, he had none. It is the little things that get me the most – something I see, or a snippet I read and we would share and laugh and talk. Physically being on my own isn’t so bad, but that intimate ’mind’ sharing I miss such a lot.

Definitely vent, vent and vent some more!

@Tinydancer123, that is the million dollar question, isn’t it? Why are they such twats? Because they are weak, because they are cowards basically. Everything else (the blaming, becoming a different person, the anger etc) is just window dressing. They are cowards, they know they are cowards but they can’t face being cowards so they emerge from their cowardly chrysalis as a fully-fledged twatterfly.

Initially I sent very long emails in my quest to find those ‘magic words’ that would make him see the error of his ways. Recently I did send one very snarky text. I think it’s very normal. I think we need some kind of outlet for the anger/confusion. I think some people have regretted sending such messages, while others haven’t, so there’s no hard and fast rule. Sometimes advice is to write but not send. I did write a particularly scathing email at the end of last year, and ended up sending it to myself. Just writing it wasn’t enough, it needed to be sent! Just not to him.

No or low contact is best I think. I allowed things to get blurred and it was really messing with my head and my heart so I had to pull back. I think he’s a bit miffed/hurt – hah!

Weasels are fab! Tiny but mighty, and actually rather beautiful. And I have just now read Superb’s reply – great minds!!

Her words on detachment are very wise. Seeing their lies, denial and justifications as part of a process, as part of their ‘armour’ is very useful. It is nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them needing to protect and camouflage their twattery. I much prefer our Warrior Armour of strength, kindness and love.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen – wow, definitely go you! I am massively impressed with all the active Warriors, that is one area I definitely need to do some work on, unless eating hot buttered toast is a sport???

And same to you @SuperbMonkey – I am so impressed with the parkrunners! Glad yesterday was a good day. Your plan of regular treats, however small is excellent. It is amazing the boost even a tiny thing can bring. Hair and nice clothes are particularly satisfying.

Membership of the ‘husband as nostalgia-fetishist man-baby’ Club is a dubious honour, but the company is most excellent so that’s a bonus!!

I adore “enhance his inadequacy by rising above his lower elementness”. I have squirreled that sentence away on my list of empowering statements.

@Feckthisshit2020 sadly the lies, layers of reinvention, justifying and self-absorption are part of their repertoire. It is utterly shit and I am sending a massive hug. Like Superb I still have sobbing heap times. I just let them happen now. I guess they are like an emotional enema, flushing the toxicity away. Hmm, what a lovely mental image!! Still, what these men have done is shit, so seems appropriate…

Superb is also right that as the revelations keep coming, whether they are actual things, or another round of reframing history, they really do lose some power. I know it’s hard to believe but I am almost now at the stage of ‘whatever’ with stuff that comes out of H’s mouth. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still pain, but it starts to be a bit like white noise.

Today I am completing some reorganising, already feeling very pleased with my anorak-y rearranging of my books into correct authors/genres. Then having a good relaxing reading session and snuggle on the sofa. I’ve never had an eyebrow shape. Mine are a bit tatty, but very thin so I worry there will be nothing left!

I imagine us all cosied up in our comfy chairs and sofas around a roaring with a beverage of our choice, chatting and laughing and supporting. And perhaps some hot buttered toast???

Sending love to you all xx

@Bigpooh13, no need to apologise for anything. You have every right to rant. We all do. This is a safe place to rant, among friends. I feel really lonely, right now. I feel afraid for the future right now. I know I have to keep on keeping on. I have no choice but to work in acceptance. Writing emails and not sending them is a sensible, logical idea. Texts are so dangerous because they are easy to send and result in either being ignored or receiving cold messages back which cause upset. Don’t let him know that you are thinking about him because it fuels his and her egos. Stay cool and above them so hard as it is. I’m admiring of you going to the gym. It’s sad that it will end soon. With some creative thought you can find something else to do for low cost or free. You probably have a parkrun near you which you could start walking and graduate to running. Have you seen couch to 5k online.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/couch-to-5k-week-by-week/

You might need to speak to your doctor first, but think about it. There might be a way your doctor could prescribe exercise on the NHS to get you some free gym sessions.

Doing any exercise is a distraction as you know. He’s a tit who did not have your best interests at heart and still doesn’t. Any caring man wants his partner to be healthy and fit and enjoying life. ❤️

@RupaulsHagface, your poor woman. I got to this stage from yours. I was in a terrible, terrible state. I found strength and battled on and it has been a battle to get just to here. You need to make yourself strong to deal with the situation. What can you do today to strengthen yourself? Write a list of things to do, move some furniture around, declutter. Make something for dinner out of store cupboard stuff using internet recipes or cook books. Tell us what you’re going to do. You can do this because you are already doing it. 😘

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, another lovely post. Thank you. You are so thoughtful and respectful and kind. Very windy here too. The lack of intimate ‘mind sharing’ is a trigger for me too, so definitely great minds. I hope he’s hurt by your absence, and comparing, and miserable.

parkrun is so inclusive and sociable. Would your DC be keen on doing it with you? Hot buttered toast, with strawberry and jam and one of my strawberry and cream muffins will also go down well.

The company of our special Club is very excellent and elite. Unlike their club which seems, from my research, to be a cliche. The lies are white noise, thanks for saying that - in my special empowerment book. I have no idea where the ‘enhance his inadequacy’ phrase came from. Somewhere very deep. Emotional enema 😀😀

I love reorganising. Need to do more. I haven’t had an eyebrow shape either. Quite excited.

I love your final image. There is life beyond these toe rags. xx

I would just like to take the opportunity to thank you all for your kindness. My H is not a kind man (non shocker!!) and I think I had begun to absorb his quid pro quo cynical attitude. If nothing else this experience has shown me that my friends are amazing, that people I don’t know will take the time to be kind and try and help, and I am valued even if not by him. I am going to try to hold on to that, and pass the kindness on where I can.