Wow! So many posts to catch up on! I have pretty much kept away from everything online this week, trying to get my RL head on, so this is going to be internet-breakingly long – feel free to skip, doze or run away in horror at the length – I just wanted to catch up as fully as I could, but I know I haven’t caught everything.
I had my conversation last weekend, wasn’t pleasant, but could have been worse. He said some outrageous things, but largely backtracked when I challenged him – it was almost as if his heart wasn’t in it. So I hope we are on the way to getting things sorted reasonably.
He accepted my boundaries, but his situation is currently largely shit, and I still get the impression he is being stoic.
I can’t decide which would be worse…
If I knew he was deliriously happy, that would be so, so hurtful, but at least I might have a sense that the destruction was worth it on some level. Knowing he’s most likely just making the best of things, and potentially has regrets makes it all seem such a waste.
Does that make sense?
Bizarrely, although facing this is just the worst, the anti-depressants seem to have lifted the fog of depression I’ve been in for the past year or so, so in some respects I feel more ‘me’. What a weird world…
So, on to the posts!
@SuperbMonkey, I am going to reiterate that I truly think you are the heart of this group – your kindness and gentle determination shine through.
And I actually think kind & gentle is immensely powerful, and should definitely be in the Warrior’s armoury. I think they can often be seen as weak, but in reality they are the mainstays of a decent world. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I think remaining kind, remaining decent and nice (which is a much maligned word I feel) can be a strength. I don’t mean being a pushover, but I think embracing these attributes, as well as equipping yourself with harder emotions when needed, ultimately make our lives better.
Hair treats are definitely among the best! And get you with your irresistible allure over cab drivers! A well-deserved boost. Thing is, it’s so important to be kind to yourself, and do things that make you feel good – and you obviously radiated that! A big fistbump to all fab-haired here!
The lies are weird, aren’t they? In the conversation I mentioned above, H said a couple of things that were just, so ludicrous I couldn’t believe it, and perhaps that’s why he backed down so easily – even he knew they were shit. But he had to put up some fight to maintain the façade I guess.
Can’t wait to see Emma, how was Miranda in it? It’s one of my favourite books, so really hope to enjoy it!
Hope you have had a fab week in your new role – sounds very exciting and I am glad you are getting so much positive from it – and good luck with additional roles too – you are on fire!
Fingers crossed for the job – interview sounds tough.
@Bigpooh13, you sound so much stronger, and I am going to try the journaling. I always used to keep a diary, but can’t seem to get words together at the moment. Hearing how it’s helping you has inspired me to try again.
I’m also in a similar boat to you and Superb, in that my H has definitely ‘traded down’. Apparently it’s a thing – quite common to go for someone who will adore and look up to them, especially if they feel any sense of inadequacy and failure themselves. And it often seems to be they pick someone from their past, in some twisted nostalgia fest.
They know they have fucked up, they know their choices are nonsensical in the grown-up regular world, so they have to hide behind anger, defensiveness and general wankbadgery because they can’t let themselves ‘see’ what they’ve done. And I think it’s quite likely they were decent people when they were with us. I don’t necessarily think it was all lies etc. I think they just have a core of inner weakness that wasn’t apparent until, well, until it was. I do think age has a lot to do with it. Fear of loss of status, virility, manliness or whatever you want to call it seem to strike some men and they can’t deal, so panic like flappy chickens.
And I’m glad his image is taking a battering! It’s so weird because so many of them (including my H) have friends and family positively goggling at their behaviour, but they are so mired in their own fake reflection they can’t see it – probably can’t allow themselves to see it. Self-absorption to the max!
And glad you’ve had some good legal advice – he does not get to control what happens at all.
And you are definitely an inspiration – I would love to have seen his face when you called him a dickhead, and love the idea of him being puzzled as to why!! That pretty much sums them all up, doesn’t it? Total gormlessness. It is almost funny in a sick, painful and unjust way…!
@Emmerdaledramaqueen I know what you mean about feeling needy when you weren’t before. I think some of it, certainly for me, is just the complete lunacy of it – even now I still have moments where I think if I just say the right words it will bring him to his senses!
This situation really does bring good friends to the fore – often from unexpected places – I am so glad you and Tinydancer have ‘found’ each other.
@thegrassisgreenernow – I do love ‘growing from our roots’! It’s perfect. Anything that combines regular hair appointments and inner strength is good with me – actually, I wonder if there is a market for actual hair/counselling sessions???
Can I add I got mine done last week too, and the difference in how I feel with ‘good hair’ is amazing!
And yes, when the fog is lifting and the ‘reality’ starts setting in it’s frankly terrifying. And bizarrely I find myself feeling a bit sorry for him too. I don’t think the bed he’s made for himself is terribly comfy, but he’s choosing to lie in it, so good for him.
Well done on parkrun – and SuperbMonkey too!
@BunnyandBee – glad you had a few days with lovely friend.
I’ve had similar in terms of wanting to share things with H, and feeling the loneliness of that. But having had some times over the past few weeks where H has been almost eager to chat and ‘share’, that is awful too, so on reflection I’d rather have the loneliness – it isn’t such a mindfuck. What a great choice..!
And yes to your reply to “I must have been so awful if he was willing to do all this and not even try to work things out etc etc”
I think it’s actually the exact opposite. A total reflection of their weakness and cowardice.
Like you I am appalled at the idea of dd & ds having anything to do with the marriage kryptonite that is H’s FirstLove. I probably won’t ever know when the relationship really started, but even if she wasn’t in his bed, she was in his head well before he waltzed away. But officially it started just before Christmas and they have both now visited, and both had her forced on them. At least they are adults, so it’s a bit easier, but it’s still shit introducing them so soon.
@caketimeisover I’m sorry you had that horrible experience with the ow. Just when you think you’ve reached an understanding of how awful people can behave, you read about a new low. Just no thought at all. I’m furious for you. And how nice of him to send you a ‘caring’ message. Cock.
The amount of things you have accomplished with everything you have had to deal with is awe-inspiring. And yes, it is horribly, painfully unfair. I don’t know, maybe there is an alien race out there that is systematically sucking the decency out of the world’s men (and women where relevant) and leaving behind these sad fuck zombies. Or some kind of mad virus. It certainly seems to be an epidemic at the moment. Like the Walking Dead only with pathetic losers
@SoTiredTonight – yes the weather is pants, and the toing and froing both emotionally and practically is a massive pain. I keep thinking I want a grown-up to come along and sort it all out for me…
@TinyDancer123, I am like you in so many ways – had H a few weeks ago telling me what a mistake he’d made, and how he’d acted too hastily, and I allowed myself to hope, only to have him backtrack. Oh, he may well have made a mistake and acted hastily but essentially doing anything about it is too hard, so he’s sticking with his shitty, easy life. Wankbadger extraordinaire! And yes, I still want my family back too, which really sucks.
And again, your post about H and the school mum is gobsmackingly awful – in no way are you wrong to view it in the way you do – it is so far beyond normal, normal could be on a different planet! In some way it is almost impressive the knots people tie themselves in to justify and minimise stuff – the effort it must take mentally is staggering. What total, utter arses.
So, so well done on staying firm and calm in your conversation – that must have been so hard.
And yes again – I am the one who has the dc here, who gets to hear they day to day news, and has their lovely company. He’s still not dealing with them the way he should, which I still can’t fathom, except that it is part of his selfish and cowardly withdrawal/denial of reality. But definitely, definitely his loss. They are wonderful people.
I am sorry yesterday was extra bad – but your nan sounds cool!
@shadypines – definitely a tranquil name! I hope your chair is comfy and I will join you in a choc digestive. Glad you’ve found your way here, but sorry, of course, for the reason. Vent away.
You are not selfish at all. Take what comfort you need, and keep posting.
And hello @Sweetmummy77 too. No one is going to think you are an idiot here, I promise. We are definitely all in this together. I think we have all given the benefit of the doubt to people who don’t deserve us. Why wouldn’t we? We believe(d) that they were dealing honestly with us as we were with them. They are the idiots.
@ThelmaAndLouise2020, exciting to have your new job coming up! Did you get some nice work clothes?
And thank you for that collection of advice – I have been saving little bits here and there to re-read, but that is hugely useful.
@Feckthisshit2020 I hope you’ll find comfort here. It is a lovely and kind group. I am so sorry you are facing this at such a vulnerable time. You have got this, and we have got this with you – all the way, as we have each other.
Jaw just dropped again at the audacity of him complaining because his ow is, what, being unfaithful to him???? Really?? Jeez, what a terrible human being he is.
@HalfDutchGirl, none of that is insignificant, and it’s no wonder you’ve misplaced your happy. Pull up a comfy chair and just sit for a bit. Let the support wash over you. It’s lovely to have a safe and warm place just to ‘be’ for a while.
Interesting what you said about talking to yourself as you would a best friend. I’ve just finished a course of phone CBT sessions, and the last one she was talking about thinking of yourself as a friend, and appreciating your good qualities, and being kind.
Bloody hell @Wineisafruit! What a cockwomble, and 4 weeks is such a short time, I am so sorry. I am definitely up for cocktails – margaritas for me.
@Startoftheyear2020, welcome also – titanium is good!
@NomDeQwerty, welcome and thank you for the encouraging words – I’ve got that McKenna book on a list- it was mentioned on previous thread, so I will look it out.
I’m keeping Mighty:Shitey ratio! I might add that to the little list of things I try to do at the end of each day.
@RuPaulsHagface, I’m sorry, that must be so raw. That sense of who is this man? What happened to my lovely person? is just the worst feeling. I am glad you have your sister with you. Do lean on her, and on us. You are sadly among a group who truthfully say we know how you feel. It’s both distressing, but massively comforting to know that. And we’re all at different stages, and we are all still standing. I wouldn’t have thought it possible when it happened to me nearly 4 months ago. I wanted to die. I didn’t think it was even possible I would be able to keep going. But here I am, and here we all are. Bloody hard, but so much better among friends.
Hello too to @Filly2011 – with the amount of crapping from a great height these prats are doing, I am surprised the whole world isn’t awash with wankbadger poop!!
And Filly, I think they expect sympathy from us because on one level they don’t quite get that we’re not still there for them? I think they exist in some parallel world where they still deserve the nurturing and care from us? As Superb says – they see us as extensions of themselves. I guess that makes them giant man-babies? Either that or aliens/virus scenario…
I am sending so much love out as it seems we are all having a bit of a slump. Big Warrior hugs for a good weekend.