Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

I hope it's okay to join in. I saw this thread mentioned on another thread where someone has discovered an affair. I can't keep my eyes open for much longer but I thought I'd better find the thread now or I'll have forgotten about it by tomorrow.

Wine I found Nytol that you have to ask the pharmacist for gave me a good night's sleep when I was desperate (New Year) but you can only take them for a few days straight as they stop working.

Too exhausted and drained to add much, and can't believe how many of us are here now. A bit overwhelming. Hoping we can all continue to help each other.

So just 2 quick things:

@BunnyandBee love a bit of Bob D, many more songs of his to sob to too sadly, such a good poet.

Nytol is bloody amazing to help sleep during this awful trauma. And doesn't seem to wear off in my few week's experience! Is free to buy, over the counter.

Wishing you all a decent sleep - is worth more than anything at all to get through this.

Just a hand hold before I go to bed. Thinking of you @Wineisafruit and all of you other amazing warriors xxx

Another quick one from me with a welcome to @NomDeQwerty and also a hand hold to @Wineisafruit. And anyone else who needs one. Feeling both stunned and also encouraged at the rise in numbers of our little ‘club’. When I feel particularly shit, I know I can come sit in my comfy sofa with a cuppa or glass of wine and find comfort amongst you brave warriors. No matter what anyone tells you or makes you feel, you are bloody amazing! I’m so glad we’ve got each other here. There is certainly a degree of strength and safety in numbers, even when it’s somewhat anonymous and virtual. I’m drifting off and finding it difficult to find the words, but thank you all for being there!
@Tinydancer123 Nans are the best and yours most definitely rocks! And you will undoubtedly follow in her steps!
@SuperbMonkey All best wishes for tomorrow, you’ll smash it!
Missing @simply4help... Please, please be ok... and come back here when you are ready!?
Much love to you all, you are indeed mighty! ❤️ xxx

Hello, someone on my original
Post directed me here. Husband left after 22 years at 8.30 last night, it's 3.30 am, don't think sleep is coming. The man who spoke tonight was not the man I loved, I confronted him with evidence of an affair, and he made it all about the fact it was my fault. He wouldn't give any details at all, said it has nothing to do With her said he didn't love me anymore, packed a bag, told the children (didn't tell them about her) - kids are 19 and 14, and walked out of the door.

I am totally lost, my sister is here, in shock. He really was a lovely husband but something went terribly wrong. He was my best friend in the world, I feel so so lost. I'm not sure if anyone is even awake right now but I am afraid to close my eyes.

I am awake .... I am so sorry ! Here to talk xxx

Hi @trinydancer now 5.45 and still no sleep, seems pointless my head is in a mess. I feel like someone has died, totally devastated :( don't know how I am going to get through the days, weeks, months and years ahead :(

@Wineisafruit same here. What mine did wasn’t a mistake apparently because ‘love’. It’s bullshit, these people aren’t capable of love they don’t know what it means. Take comfort from the fact that you do- they are broken, not you. He might never realise it, but you KNOW. It feels awful, but the chumplady post about how you just can’t ascribe normal values and feelings to them has really helped me- helps with the endless why and how questions. Because the answer to all of them is ‘because they wanted to’. Nothing more, nothing less.

I hope you managed to sleep. I wish I could take something but being pregnant I can’t. Another way he has removed choices from me.

@SoTiredTonight you’re right this post is a godsend. Thank you to all of you for your kindness.

@RupaulsHagface I’m so sorry. I recognise the shock in your most. This place helps, I’m glad you have your sister with you and hope you have managed to fall asleep.

@RupaulsHagface for now try not to think too far ahead. A lot of the time I still have to think in terms of the next hour, not even the whole day. It gets overwhelming very quickly. Most things don’t have to be done. Children fed and clean = win at the moment.

Not slept cried alot.
Here with you ladies and completly broken.

I have asked him to try he refuses . 19 years gone. Coming into the 4th week of this hell.

I feel your pain ladies . I am here . Not in a great place but here for you x

@Wineisafruit so sorry xxxx

Ps the wine did not help sleep 🤢😣

Tiny I'm sending you a hug :) Still no sleep here but I did look at the finances as something to do, sister just give me a cuddle, she is devastated as well, husband was like a big brother to her since the age of 15. Everyone's in total shock. Put on tv and Lewis Capaldi Someone that you used to love came on - hence full on snotty sobbing. Time for another cup of tea, must be my 8th since he left. Headache terrible due to no sleep at all :(

@RupaulsHagface thank you. I am just laid in bed crying. I cannot think of the future without the four of us.

Who is the OW ? How long has the affair been going on ?

Hugs and love xxxx

@Feckthisshit2020 I have a 4 year old and 5 month old. I’m breastfeeding so can’t take anything either. I totally understand about choices. And the inability to reclaim yourself after this. At least for a while. I can’t just go out with friends etc.

@wineisafruit exactly. No crash diets/out for cocktails/hardcore exercise possible. While he’s spending money we don’t have on hotels I’m at home putting the kids to bed. Dickhead.

Morning everyone. I won’t say ‘good’ because clearly it isn’t good for some of us.

@wineisafruit and @RupaulsHagface, I’m so sorry. My story is the same as yours, over 20 years, but no kids. The coldness, the shark eyes, the blame, are all part of the script, as is the ‘never having loved’ you. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. That doesn’t make the pain easier. You have to try not to believe what he says about you. You have been busy with children, with being pregnant, with looking after a new baby. He should have been supporting you. Instead he was having an affair. He has shown you who he really is and you have to believe him.

You may lose a lot of weight quickly. Not sleeping, waking up a lot, are normal in this situation. See your doctor and get help. Anti-depressants for the last few months have helped me feel able to function and I am sleeping better. Eat soup, shakes, toast and jam. Drink hot, sweet tea. Reach out for help in real life e.g. your loving, caring sister. Post here where we will build you up, not bring you down.

We have to be warriors to look after ourselves. These entitled men, who quit when we needed support, will be made to understand that we are stronger than them.

Keep moving forward, tiny steps at a time.

Dear @SuperbMonkey good luck with your interview today. They will be lucky to have you on board if you choose them!

I'm feeling so sad for all the new women joining us but it's lovely to see all of the kind words of support for each other too.

This is a long post but I’ve tried to consolidate all of the best advice I have had that helped me most whenH left 6 months ago:

The main thing is be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much as you will be in total shock right now, just getting through the day with kids fed, clean etc is a major achievement!

Remember that dealing with a broken heart is like a bereavement and you will be going through the same stages that you go through in the grieving process (sometimes all of them seem to happen in the same hour but eventually you will start to move through them):
1. shock/disbelief
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
[[https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/]]

1. exercise (if you are pregnant just walking will help) every day

2. avoiding drinking alcohol and avoiding eating crap food (I know alcohol won’t be an option if you are pregnant but I’m adding this for anyone else reading) - my appetite completely disappeared for the first month so I had to force myself to eat so that I had the strength to exercise

3. seeing and leaning on friends and family as much as possible - telling them what’s happened (don’t hide it to protect him) - making lots of plans to see people and not spending too long alone ruminating. I have a young DS and no support so “going out” in the evenings wasn’t an option for me but I made plans to see people at other times, friends came to me (cooked my dinner at my house etc) or I had long phone calls.

4. when the sadness and grief hits me I let it out and cry until I don't want to cry anymore (I didn’t/don’t hide my tears from my DS I just explained I was very sad but that one day I will feel better)

5. reading lots of self help books about how to cope with separation (see list at the bottom)

6. getting as much sleep as possible - do sleep meditations & other things you know will help you sleep (I drink Chamomile tea, try to get off my phone - tricky as I was desperately scanning MN for answers particularly in the first few months etc) you need to find what works for you but in the early days I know how hard it is to sleep. You need to discard any thoughts you have between the hours of 11 and 5/6, your brain is not your friend at those times. If you wake up in those hours try purging your thoughts into a notepad to get them out of your head, listen to an audio book to distract yourself.

7. getting free legal advice sessions booked in with different solicitors (I have seen 3 now and know who I would prefer to work with, they have all been very different)

8. taking small practical steps/completing small tasks towards separation and independence when you can e.g. apply for single person council tax reduction, contact Gingerbread (charity for single parents), see how you can reduce your outgoings, make a budget (hmm still need to sort mine out but it’s on the list!), make a list of mediation services to contact, draft a parenting plan (I got a couple of templates from online), tell school you have separated so that they can give your children support, if your H still has things at the house then pack them away into boxes and tell him he needs to collect it (I put all of my H’s things into the spare room, he still has stuff in there 6 months later but the majority of his stuff is out of the house now).

List of books I have found helpful (some I have read cover to cover, some I have dipped into):

1. I Can Mend Your Broken Heart, Paul McKenna & Hugh Willborne (you can get a hypnosis download which I have listened to a few times and I find it comforting)

2. Getting past your breakup, Susan J Elliot

3. Breaking Upwards, Charlotte Friedman

4. Detach & Survive, Midlife Maze (ignore the “midlife crisis men bit in the extended title, it’s just got lots of good advice about self care and detachment)

5. leave and cheater, gain a life, Tracy Schorn (aka Chumplady - see also her website https://www.chumplady.com)

Love to you all. It will get easier with time x

@NomDeQwerty, welcome and so sorry that you are here. We will help you to get through this.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, thank you for the kind words and best wishes. I am going to try my absolute best. And what an amazingly helpful post! I have had a quick read and am going to come back to it later. So much help, and kind advice. A wealth of resources. Thank you, thank you ☺️

Morning. I've been lurking. 21 years married. 4 children. Similar to so many of you lovely ladies. He fell out of love, it was my fault, hadn't I seen the "cues" (NO!). Affair (for ages I then found out). Went on holiday with her while we were married! Recently announced he's engaged and getting married in the summer. Dickhead. Great to hear your stories. Channel Chump Lady - we are titanium!

You lot are all amazing. Perhaps one day we should arrange a big cocktail party where we can toast our freedom and strength.
I think I needed to hear all his cruel words to allow me to move on. And the OW is just as bad. Imagine setting up with someone who has done this. But it’s ‘love’ a higher calling than even your children.

Thanks for the welcome.
My decree absolute arrived a few days ago and I feel I'm on the way up from the mess caused by the final DDay (3). I wasted nearly a decade on XH. Things I found most helpful were/are the Chumplady book on audible played on a loop; telling people (after DDay2) and letting them support me; treating it as a crisis and taking time off work (only after DDay3 but wish I'd done it sooner).
The thing I've found really helpful with the raw emotional pain is the 'I can mend your broken heart' book by McKenna and Willbourne really useful. There's a code in it to access a hypnotherapy download. I've used hypnotherapy before so I know it works. I was sceptical though but after about a week of daily sessions I found that it helped with those debilitating emotional pains.

Sorry - married just shy of 34 years but DDay1 was 9 years ago.