Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

My posts keep failing

To all. Iam astounded at the behaviour of these men. How they lie, cheat and disregard any feelings they have for the person they have been living with so easily.

They are unbelievable just walk away without any care or think about the consequences of their actions.
They really are a different breed.
As for the OWs they must be desperate to split families and take on all the baggage and a cheating, lieing man.

I just dont know what to say to you all.
Just remember you are special, worthy, mighty and strong.

The OW in my case has a thing for married men with children. Only early twenties and mine is the second family she’s broken up (well the husbands have done it but you know what I mean). My husband is an idiot.

Hi all. What a lot of lovely women on here! I’m out and about but will post more later. This thread is full of sadness and strength. xx

I resonate with you all. My husbands OW has been married 5 or 6 times. Such a catch. Has 4 kids but only 1 has anything to do with her.

I am getting stronger so I hope I can be an inspiration to you all. As he rang this morning accusing me of holding things up . I called him a dickhead for various things and he had the audacity to ask why he was a dickhead. But he didnt want to hear my list of reasons.

I didnt cry and stood my ground.
2 weeks ago I wud have been a gibbering wreck. 🤣🤥🤪🤯

Good for you @Bigpooh13!! You are a strong lady! And OW sounds utterly delightful...

They are knobs , cockwombles and dickheads !!!!
Sending strength . Xxxx

A warm welcome to you @HalfDutchGirl, I’m sorry you ‘have to be here’ but it’s good to have you! Please never ever feel that your own feelings/situation is insignificant or matters less just because it’s maybe a little less horrific than the stories of some of the ladies here. Someone else going through an even worse situation doesn’t negate the validity of your own!
I also feel that in a lot of respects I am so much better off than a lot of the ladies here, because I haven’t been deserted (unless you count emotionally) or hideously abused. My own very low level emotional and verbal abuse from an otherwise (mainly) very decent human being is nothing compared to some of what has been shared here. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t been deeply unhappy for a long time, feeling unloved and neglected and sidelined for almost every other person or scenario which seem to take precedence over me in his eyes. So please don’t just sit quietly in your corner over there but join in the conversation! We can all get encouragement from each other at different times. ❤️

Ok guys not been cool or calm

Put all his belongings in a bin bag shouted and screamed at him.

Now sat sobbing .

@tinydancer - you are human. You have feelings. None of this is easy and you have done really well. I know I can’t make you feel better right now - is there anyone in real life who can be with you and build you up?

Wow today has been BAD all the calm and now this !

@SoTiredTonight - thank you

Hello all and to the new people.sorry you are here, I have not been here too long, but everyone is so supportive and an inspiration ( @Tinydancer123 i wish I could scream and shout at my H, the hurt they have caused justifies the anger. You are probably just coming down from that adrenalin but I hope you are feeling better now. As my counsellor keeps saying, anger is a valid emotion...)
I have spent a productive afternoon cleaning and reorganising my kitchen. I was halted when a song came on which my H introduced me to when we started dating. I stood in the kitchen and cried, then listened again to the lyrics. With a strange sense of irony some of it is very apt, but the last few lines give me hope in a bittersweet kind of way...

"So long honey babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
Goodbye is too good a word, babe
So I just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right"

Disclaimer I have my lovely DC so he didn't waste my time in that sense and currently it's not alright, but I like the no shits given attitude

@Tinydancer123 I don’t know what to say... Handhold from me though. If you want to share or rant, we’re here. If you don’t, that’s ok too. Just hope you’re not feeling too awful.
@Bunnyandbee That‘s bittersweet... Glad you can get some positives from the lyrics. I’m really not good with music at the moment and have to actively avoid certain songs. And you are so right about your DC, what a blessing to have them.

I'm fairly dreadful with a lot of music @sotiredtonight (I am fairly sure some of his new music purchases before he left he was listening to with her, so I categorically cannot listen some things) but I am determined that he is not going to take music away from me. I am hoping to discover some new gems in time that don't hold any association.
Maybe it's all a bit cheesy but I am just doing what I can to find small things that get me through the day.

I totally understand what you’re saying @Bunnyandbee, and not cheesy in the slightest. I too find moments of respite in tiny things, like watching some little bird hopping around my garden or the sun breaking through the window, before I remember all the crap and my stomach returns to a knotted mess. What I would give to feel carefree again. It seems a very long time since.

Hi everyone. It’s been a busy day in real life and on this thread. @HalfDutchGirl, welcome but sorry that you’re here. @Tinydancer123, calm before the storm - a natural process. Give yourself some tlc.

Back later once I’ve eaten. xx

I do not feel any resolve from the anger infact it shocked me. My 84 yr old nan was very cool and told me it was ok with a few interesting stories.
I am very broken x

@SuperbMonkey crying like Bridg Jones god I lost it , I am ashamed .... proud .... frustrated. God I hate all of this . I got married to stay married.... I hate this .

@tinydancer123 that’s exactly how I feel too

@Tinydancer123 I can so relate. Please never be ashamed, we do what we do, the difficulty is to move on, but together we can do this.

I just keep thinking ‘I didn’t sign up for this, where did it all go so horribly wrong’.

Big hugs to everyone on here.

@Tinydancer123 and @Feckthisshit2020 me too. Some Chump Lady quotes that have helped me:

"You are divorcing because you value marriage. You are divorcing a cheater precisely because you do believe in commitment. You do believe in love through sickness and health. You do believe in family. And you’re divorced because your partner did not share those values and you refused to live a sham marriage."

And

"If you feel like this divorce was forced on you, that you didn’t want it, that there is something to miss—get over that. You can’t be with your cheater because you aren’t a good match. You don’t share the same ideas about love, family, and relationships."

You guys 😍I honestly feel this ia home.

I also am quite shocked that my 84 year old nan was such a legend and we discussed so much in-depth whilst me sobbing !! Telling me basically yell at him , give it all you have got that anger out and then be cool. Also telling me the yelling was ok.... we all do it she said ! Bless her.

@Tinydancer123, you have been so brave! Allow yourself some down time and sobbing. Your nan is right (they nearly always are 😀). @caketimeisover is also always right! Chumplady is so helpful. Whenever I feel weak I give it a read and I feel much stronger. Weight training also helps! Actually any exercise if you can manage it. You aren’t broken, you are sad and disappointed. We all married to stay married but we married men (in this case) with lower values, and there was no match.

@HalfDutchGirl, your story is very sad. Your ‘happy’ will come back because it’s in you, just a bit hidden at present. You’ve had a really hard time and it takes time to recover. I’ve learnt that you can’t rush that. And you escaped from a narcissist. You were lucky! Believe me!

@Bigpooh13, it’s amazing how strong you are now. He’s not very bright if he has to ask why he’s a dickhead! Going back to the ex-wife. Hmm a bit dense. He could have benefitted from hearing your list of reasons. That was probably too much for the ‘timid forest creature’ (thank you again chumplady).

@SoTiredTonight, words of wisdom to Halfdutch, and they are so wise. Your situation is different but the same. Emotional neglect is just as painful as desertion. At least I don’t have to see the ugly mug every day, or indeed at all! You do!

@Feckthisshit2020, you sound mighty already! It’s lovely that you are able to support Tiny when she was supporting you yesterday. I have found that it helps knowing that others are going through the same experience. I started off feeling ashamed and alone. Not any more (although I’m shocked when I read how many women on mumsnet are going through the same thing).

@BunnyandBee, at least the kitchen got organised. One of our wedding songs came on in a diy shop just after DDay. I made myself listen, but it was a heart wrenching moment. I still can’t do music, sadly. It’s not cheesy to use small things to help. Small things = joy.

Sorry if I didn’t mention lovely ladies on the previous page. I don’t want to lose the post.

I did a rant at counselling today and felt better. I definitely married my mother. Interview tomorrow so best get some sleep now. Thank you everyone for being wonderful. Here’s to 🍷 and 🍾 and plenty of 🍰 tomorrow xx

Today has been truly fucking awful. Sorry so many of you are going through it too.
He told me tonight he loves her, has never felt this way about anyone before, including me, the mother of his children.
I’ve emailed my solicitor and the divorce proceedings will start ASAP.
I’m done with his shit. I’m not his emotional punchbag. To think, 4 weeks ago I was happily married! Time to shut down emotionally, weather the storm and come out the other side stronger and happier.
In the meantime, I need a plan to allow me to get really drunk and sleep for 12 hours.