Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@caketimeisover the OW is a selfish, awful cow and she has to live with being that person for the rest of her life. She is also now stuck with your arsehole H. Pity her!! It is utterly despicable what the pair of them did and I can't understand how people like that get a decent night's sleep ever again. I know our anger should be mostly directed at the ex but what kind of woman does this to another woman and her family? Your anger is righteous but you are so mighty!! I can't believe how much you have achieved in such a short space of time, I'm seriously lagging behind with my head stuck in the sand but you give me courage. Read Chumplady if you need a boost, I always find it helps me!

@Bigpooh13 don't beat yourself up about missing the job email, you've been in extreme emotional distress & it could have happened to anyone. Keep going with the job hunting, you will get something. I've not used the CAB yet, have you had good advice from them? I can't really afford solicitor so perhaps I should try them for advice now that I have a new job (as this changes things again).

@SuperbMonkey good luck with your next interviews! I'm so glad your new role has given you such a boost. I hope that's how I feel when I start too. I'm going to get new work outfits tomorrow. I've worked from home (in jeans!) for so long I need a whole wardrobe update.

Love & support to everyone on the thread x

@SuperbMonkey he really did not like me taking control , although I called it choices.
It resulted in quite a rant on his part and me staying very calm. The result was he made no choices , probably because it was I who put them forward.

Apparently the choices were deadlines and this caused huge distress. The session today focussed on control and despite the choices being fairly reasonable the frustration and anger from him highlights the control he has to hold. Even in spite of the fact we have to make choices to move forward.

I am ahocked at my inner calm today and also in being not angry , emotional I was able to navigate a tricky comversation where at points he was trying to make me lose my temper.

I am now no contact other than pick ups for two weeks .

I did cry on the way to a friends but after the session today I feel less manic and more focussed. Till the next time I fall apart 🤣😂

@caketimeisover wow I am in awe of what you have gone through in 5 months. How utterly abhorrent your ex-friend is. I get that the anger should predominantly sit with the H in most circumstances, but there is not even the excuse of her not knowing he was married... urgh.
And I am totally on board with your incredulity at the prospect of her becoming step-mum. That is the bit in my whole mess I am finding most stomach churning to be honest. I just can't get my head around my children potentially spending time with the woman that knowingly cheated on her own family and with my H. What kind of role model is that?!

Anyway I am pleased you have found your anger. I am still wondering if I have truly found mine yet. Silently shouting f**k you at him isn't quite enough maybe.

And I hope you have a lovely birthday however you end up celebrating.

@SuperbMonkey hope the job continues to go well and your day picked up. Waking up feeling flat is really difficult. There is certainly truth for me in the saying about getting out of the wrong side of bed. Haven't quite figured out how to overcome that one yet.

@shadypines hope your DC is on the mend.

Sending love to all xx

Great chat on here tonight. Really supportive and helpful.

@Bigpooh13, you sound so much stronger. Anger will come to both of us at the right time. We need to look after ourselves though, which may mean pushing things on, even when we might not want to do so emotionally. Being practical is the thing.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, I agree with everything you say. My ex’s OW considers herself to be a feminist with very strong opinions. It didn’t stop her betraying the sisterhood by having an affair with a man she knew to be married. I guess her own entitlement overcame her principles or perhaps the principles were fake from the start, rather like her.

Thank you for the good interview wishes. I don’t feel prepared for this one. You are going to feel great and be mighty in the new job. Just imagine, stepping out in your new wardrobe, being amazing, your new life awaiting. Go you!!

@Tinydancer123, how did you stay so calm in the face of a rant? Your counselling is giving you so many useful tools. And you are learning to apply them so quickly. Everyone on here is doing so well. It is so hopeful.

xx

@BunnyandBee, our posts crossed. Thanks for the good wishes for the job. Getting out of bed the wrong side seems to have been happening regularly since DDay. I find it so hard to get going, but things improve as the day goes on. Hopefully it will get better eventually. It does all sometimes feel like a nightmare.

xx

@BunnyandBee I agree reference stepmum the thought of any step people makes me feel like I want to be sick. It terrifies me. Trying not to think this far ahead. However the real mum will always WIN 😍😍😍😍and the real Mums are the lovely ladies here.

The OW was fake, real women do not prey on other men . Fake to the core. It will come undone !

I have no idea how I stayed calm even the way I talk has changed . I sound calm , softer. I feel lighter . Strange ! The lady I am seeing is helpful and empowering , hillarious the gym lady / school flirt thought she was empowering. She really has no idea.
Are you seeing anyone to help? Other things suggested : ( sorry if they have been already suggested ) A journal reflect on the journal each week to show how far you have come, focus on you not him. An hour at a time so small goals . Remember that you cannot control their choices ..... this is hard but has been useful to understand . You to have choices , they may well be different to the path you were on but they are your choices. Embrace that you can choose.

This is it ladies we are kind , real , honest we are worth so much more . We must not let us be changed by the unkind , cruel weak men and women of this world.

Tonight I am making the choice to take a bath , read a book , light a candle and not shed tears . I am not going to pretend everyday will be a positve but that is ok . Love to all xxxx

I’m new. I’m pregnant and my husband has been having an affair. I have older children already (all with my husband). I have no idea what to do or how to get through this. I have stumbled on this thread and you all seem so kind. I have read chumplady. I just feel so vulnerable and so far from mighty. I just want my life back.

@SuperbMonkey, you are indeed superb by your kind nature, thank you.
@caketimeisover, thanks to you too, sorry you have had such an awful time. Again, sorry I haven't invested in everyone's (anyone's?) posts, but keep strong and in abundance to all.

Ps I am also making the choice not to allow my mind to go mad .When the children called him his phone went to the machine ..... a hundred thoughts could start to resonate , but I win . I have the children we read , we hugged , we talked , we love - to me that is more than whatever cheap date he is on right now. My choice is to celebrate what I have and what he has lost x

@Feckthisshit2020 this is awful how can we help ?

@tinydancer123 thank you for replying. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to hold it together for my older children. I don’t know how I’m going to have this one on my own. OW doesn’t even want him. It just all seems like such a waste.

Please if you feel comfortable tell as from the start ?. Try to stay calm you are growing a little human that needs you. Much love

We all want what @Tinydancer123 is using! Journaling (which I have just started after reading all the good comments on here) is helping. Embracing choice is also good. I think chumplady says that we have choices , they just may not be the choices we wanted. Tiny’s choices for this evening sound just right. Sleep well Tiny xx

@shadypines you are very welcome. I will always be grateful to the people who have been kind to me through this ongoing saga. Keep on keeping on and sleep as well as you can with a sick 18 year old in the house. xx

@Feckthisshit2020, welcome. You are with friends. I am so sorry for what has happened. It is truly shocking and unfair. How long have you known about the affair? How many weeks pregnant are you? How old are your children? Does your husband know that you know about the affair? Is he still at your home? Share as much as feels helpful to you. It’s normal not to know what to do. Why would you, as you didn’t think this would happen to you. You have reached out here. You also need to reach out in real life. Family and friends will get you through this. We all want what we thought were our lives back and we all feel scared, vulnerable, betrayed, to differing degrees. I called the Samaritans at the start. I have never been as desperate in my life as at that moment. It has been hard work but I feel better now than I thought I ever would. Speak to your doctor, tell people what has happened, and, when you’re ready, think about speaking to a solicitor if you haven’t done these things already. Make sure you sleep and eat (I lost over a stone very quickly). Soup, milkshakes, cake 🍰.

When you are ready tell us how we can help you. xx

You have got this 😘😍

We’ve been married 6 years, together 15. Two children already 6 and 8. He left a few years ago for a few months, said he wanted space. Turned out there was an OW (same one as now). Came back after 6 months begging me for another chance, said he’d made a mistake, felt awful, would do whatever he could to make it up to me. I thought about it for a month then agreed. We went to counselling, moved house for a fresh start. I thought things were improving- not great but I knew it would take time. I unexpectedly found myself pregnant again, I’m now nearly 6 months. He was thrilled. We’d always wanted another one but with everything it didn’t happen. He told me about a month ago that he is still in love with OW and the affair hadn’t stopped. That when he was begging me to come back he didn’t tell her we were back together. I spoke to her and she confirmed this, as well as that they had unprotected sex so I have had to go for sti screenings. She told me he had lied to her too (although I don’t totally believe her) and that she didn’t want anything to do with him. But I fully expect he’ll talk her round soon. My children adore their dad. I love him, he’s all I’ve known my adult life. I would do anything to keep my family together but he’s not interested. He’s being cruel and cold. I’m really struggling with this pregnancy and he just doesn’t care. I am struggling to hold it together for my kids and keep going to work. The house is a state. I’m not going into too much detail because I’m terrified he’ll find this. I kept a journal last time but he found it and kept quoting it at me. I can’t afford the house on my own. I’m don’t know how I’m going to afford mat leave. Sorry I’m just so panicky and in shock that he could do this to me pregnant- I never would have thought that despite what happened before. I thought that carrying his baby meant something.

@Feckthisshit2020, thanks for sharing this. The situation is hard but you have already got through the first month. Your focus has to be first on your physical and mental health and second on your older children. You have to keep yourself fit and healthy. Make sure your doctor(s) and midwife know what you’re going through. When you feel up to it I suggest a visit to your local Citizens Advice Bureau to get some preliminary advice on where you stand in relation to finances. I assume that your husband is still in the house. When you can get copies of financial information together just in case you need them in future. That’s enough to be going on with for now. Think about some individual counselling too e.g. Google Healthy Minds to see if that’s available in your area - free counselling on the NHS. Relate might help with some counselling for you at a low charge. It’s worth a call. This elephant needs to be eaten in small mouthfuls. Don’t overwhelm yourself by thinking about everything at the same time. I understand why you are worried about having the baby on your own. At this stage only do what you feel able to do. You don’t have to make immediate big decisions.

Sleep as well as you can. xx

Evening ladies, you are all utterly amazing and I love reading your updates! So much care and concern for one another here, I’ve been really moved reading today’s posts! Thank you all! ❤️
I can’t write much as have visitors but wanted to quickly check in and also to say Welcome to @Feckthisshit2020; I feel so I credibly sad for you, reading what an utter my spineless, lying arsehole your D is. I’m really pleased you’ve joined us and hope you’ll find some comfort here! Please look after yourself and your little one!

@caketimeisover What a complete and utter wanker he is, and as for your ex-friend... what s fucking bitch. Excuse my language but I gasped when I read your post. I am so so sorry. I could feel anger rising within me on your behalf. Although resting that you wanted to lamp him made me laugh out loud! Thank you for the giggle!

Everyone else, as always I am following along and sending much love your way. I will write more tomorrow even I have more time. Good night all. xxx

Just checking in ladies and sad at what horrendous times have befallen us all. Also want to say welcome to @Feckthisshit2020 I’m glad you’ve found this thread in your time of need. These ladies are all so supportive and at varying stages of separation. I know it has given me great comfort to both know that others have sometimes wild ups and downs as I do but also that there are better times interspersed with the times we feel despair. And always there is love and support for each other on the thread.

I will third or fourth? Journaling even if just to get thoughts out of your head enough to gain some sleep, keep it in your handbag or destroy it if fearful that others will find it. Sleep well ladies xx

@Feckthisshit2020 arghhhhh what is wrong with these people?! All the obvious stuff - he's a massive selfish bastard who is clearly broken inside. As is she. Fuck them. Actions speak louder than words and what they've done says everything about the kind of people they are. This is not how you treat someone you love. This is not how you treat someone you respect. This is not how to treat ANYONE at all at any stage, let alone when they're pregnant.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you. At your most vunerable he's walked away without giving a toss about you as his wife, his friend, even just as a human being. He doesn't care he'll never be a full time dad to his unborn child, let alone he won't live with his other kids any more. He has no empathy for you and what you're going through, and what this going to do to you. These are choices he has made over and over because he is putting himself above everything and everyone. He is a selfish monster.

It's awful but you will do this with or without him. You've probably already been doing it all already, he emotionally left you ages ago. When your baby arrives your heart will literally burst. It's going to be hard, you'll still be sad, but that little person will make it all worthwhile. Your wanker of a husband is the loser in all this not you - because you will have your beautiful kids, you're going to give birth to your beautiful baby, you are strong and mighty and you're going to kick ass at all of it because you have to. There's no choice. And at the end of the day he'll just still be a massive horrible terrible dickhead who cheated and walked out on his pregnant wife. His kids will work out who he really is. He made this story not you. You have to live with the fallout and rebuild your life, but he will have to live with what he's done and people seeing who he really is forever. Bastard.

Do you have people around you for when baby arrives? People who can lift you up and give advice and help with the big ones? I wish I could help. You've got a bit of time before the baby arrives so get yourself to your GP, talk to your midwife, get all the help and support you possible can to look after yourself, the kids and your baby. You and the kids are the number one priority.

The house - if you divorce and it were to go to court there isn't a judge in the land who would evict you while pregnant or on maternity leave. No way. There will have to be some agreement about how you and the kids will be supported and housed (mesher order for example). He doesn't get to walk away from that. He is going to have to pay. So yes it's not great but also you will be ok. What on earth he is thinking is going to happen? Probably some stupid version
of "well it'll all be ok, we'll be friends once I confess". Eurghhhhhh. Dickhead. You need to get some legal advice ASAP preferably from a specialist family law solicitor - get a recommendation if you can (not sure where you're based but I can send details of who I used if that helps, she'd been amazing).

Argh I want to punch him in the face on your behalf (yes, yes indeed, I've definitely located my rage!). You don't deserve any of this.

All the love xxx

Also @Feckthisshit2020 get yourself on Chump Lady. Her response to me is a good place to start: www.chumplady.com/2019/12/he-left-3-kids-how-can-he-be-happy/

@caketimeisover- your post on chumplady was the first one I found and the one I shared I with my mum and my sister- you are my hero. I check it daily now but can’t work out how the forum works, it seems to be closed.

I have seen a solicitor and had some good advice. I know from last time that I can pick myself up, I’m just really struggling with the pregnancy pain and the hormones making me want to bond with him when he clearly doesn’t want me. I have amazing family and friends in real life but I don’t want to moan at them all the time. Work have been great too but again I don’t want to push it too far.

I just can’t at the moment see how I’m going to manage practically, particularly with this pain for the next three months. He is being so cruel and nasty that it makes it easier almost to detach from him, but at the same time it’s so shocking. He’s blaming me, saying I’m arrogant and he has so much resentment towards me and our relationship has been so awful for so long etc etc. Then he sends me songs and messages about how awful it is for him and he’s losing everything.

I also just feel trapped - if he’d told me 6 months ago I could have made an informed decision about whether to continue this pregnancy alone or not, but that choice has now been taken away from me. I can’t lose weight/start a hardcore exercise routine/go out and drink cocktails, all of which helped me reclaim myself a bit last time. While he can swan off for drinks/weekends away/whatever else without even thinking about it. Buying new clothes and going to hotels like we’re not broke when I don’t know how I’m going to pay the mortgage and put food on the table while I’m on mat leave. It’s just so unfair- which I know I have to stop thinking.

Sorry for the essay, my head is just a mess. Just getting up and dragging myself to work takes all my energy at the moment. I don’t want to be at home while he’s there but I can’t focus properly either.

Thank you to all of you for the kind words and support- I really appreciate it and will try to get myself together enough to reciprocate.

Oh wow, that is honestly the best online post I have ever read. He's a flaccid egg noodle! Perfect! Thanks for sharing that. @caketimeisover you are my hero too!!

Hi all, is there room for another chair? Just a small one in the corner will be fine!

Reading through all of your posts and stories makes me feel like my story and feelings are very insignificant but I guess we all have our own difficulties. I am in awe at how strong so many of you are.

In my mid 50s, ex-husband lead a double life for 6 years, our 2 young kids were aware of his lies but were told not to tell me. When I found out my life was in free fall but with help from friends I tried to scramble out and my fragile state was taken advantage of by a bullying, horrible man who I convinced myself I loved. Woke up to the truth after 18 months and ended up.

Finally found someone else and had 12 happy years until one day he told me out the blue he didn’t love me anymore but would try and work through it, one week later my Mum died very suddenly and tragically and so he stuck with me but it was out of pity rather than love and try as hard I couldnt make it work. A year later I found out he’d been seeing someone else for 18 months (she stalked me and was vile even though I was the injured party and he’s still with her).

Since then I’ve had a vague relationship with a self-absorbed narcissist which took me until Christmas to realise how wrong that was, so ended that.

Now I look at myself in the mirror and wonder where it all went so wrong and have lost total faith in myself and cant seem to get myself out of this dark hole of self pity. I’ve amazing friends and wonderful grown up children but have just lost my ‘happy’ even though I do everything the books tell me to it all seems such a struggle.

So, if it’s all right with you I’ll sit here quietly in the corner for now and breathe in the love and support.