Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@SuperbMonkey I have let myself be emotionally given the run around for several months by my oh. I saw the red flags but tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Last night i hit breaking point. I have strong suspicions that he cheated not sure if with a man or woman. I also discovered a stash of very expensive male toys, i had to google what they where which is why i know he had over £200 worth.

@Sweetmummy77, your poor thing. Sending warm thoughts and kind words. I’m guessing from your user name that you have children? How old are they? Have you spoken to your OH about your discoveries? Have you got support in real life too? X

@SuperbMonkey its been a bit of a shock and thank you it is much appreciated. I have a little boy who is six. He is a huge part of the reason i can't let it continue. I always put my son first. I do have a good group around me but i am a very private person when it comes to stuff like this.

@Sweetmummy77

Hi I am just saying a big thank you to those who mentioned me, I won't be able to reply much just now, some bigger probs have reared their head with DC......being a mum is 24/7 !

Keep my chair warm, move it nearer the fire....love to all.

@Sweetmummy77 I am so , so sorry this must be so hard to process. What is the situation as it stands ?
The women in this thread are amazing and it is a place I come daily even if I am not posting being crazy 😣😂

@shadypines I hope all ok ? This sounds worrying x

@Sweetmummy77 how shocking for you to make a Discovery like that, you have landed on the correct thread and these ladies are all supportive!! @caketimeisover what a twat, hope you feel a little better today knowing your the bigger person, @Bigpooh13*@SoTiredTonight I too wonder if I’m in the denial club!! @tinydancer123* chin up we’ve got you!! X

Hi everyone, thank you for making me feel so welcome and less of a fool. It has been a complete shock and i know it will catch me up. However as things stand he came back late from work and straight out. I calmly gave him one last chance to come clean. He didn't as far as he is concerned everything is normal?!?! So i am swinging into plan b. I still have my place so have been out to stock up the cupboards. I had to order some gas which arrives tomorrow as it doesn't have mains gas. Tomorrow night i will be back home in my bed. Thankfully my son is with family.

I'm now going to have a glass of wine to calm my nerves. xx

@shadypines I hope you are ok? Don’t worry, we’ll be here whenever you get back! Just don’t struggle through crap all on your own. Sending hugs!

@Sweetmummy77 What a horrid situation to find yourself in! You are in good company here and will get lots of encouragement from people in similar boats - well, the crap relationship part anyway! Sounds like yours might be a bit more ‘specific’ and I’m especially sorry if that is the case; it sounds like something I would struggle with a lot. Hope you get clarity soon!

@shadypines, take care of yourself.

@Tinydancer123, glad you are feeling calmer. And you are so good and kind at helping others.

@Emmerdaledramaqueen, we are probably all in denial. Perhaps not all the time, but certainly some of the time.

@Sweetmummy77, you are being very strong. He is an idiot. Enjoy the 🍷 xx

Sleep well, everyone. I’m exhausted after yoga xx

Good god, the number of men behaving so badly is astounding. None of you women are idiots or mad. They are the idiots and they don't deserve you! So sorry for all of you going through this nightmare. It's a tough battle but as you can see from this thread you are not alone and one day we will all read back on this thread and be amazed at how far we have come, just by putting one foot in front of the other. Look after yourselves is the best advice I can offer (sleep, eat, exercise) because you need to be strong and you can't do that if you're not taking care of yourselves

How is your new role going @SuperbMonkey I hope you are enjoying it? It's hard work settling in to a new job isn't it but it must be a good distraction. Are you still job hunting for other roles to supplement it? I start my new job in a couple of weeks. It's exciting but also nerve wracking, I'm mostly worried about how my DS will cope with such a big change - will need lots of wrap around care and holiday clubs...but I hope we will be able to adapt in the end. Financial independence here I come! Oh thank you for sharing the things you are learning through your therapy on this thread, I have been saving your advice to look at later (like the writing down of problems followed by all possible solutions etc, my mind is swirling with things at the moment so I need to give it a try).

@caketimeisover I feel so awful for you bumping into Ex & OW at the station, well done for continuing to be an absolutely kick arse warrior about it all. You are truly bloody amazing. I hope you don't have that happen to you again.

Love to all on the thread. Sleep well.

@ThelmaAndLouise2020, agree with you about the number of appallingly behaved men. It’s ridiculous. Your advice is really good - eat, exercise, sleep. I’ve been to yoga tonight and I love it. It’s exercise but relaxing, great for strength and flexibility, and posture. I hope it will help with my running too.

The new role is great. I feel valued again and am getting my confidence back. I am looking for additional roles too, to supplement as you say. I have another interview on Friday and one next week. Must send out some more cvs too.

Your new job is going to be fantastic, a new, exciting life. Your children will see you blossoming with independence and you will continue to be a wonderful role model for them. The childcare issues will settle down.

I’m trying to put the CBT into practice. It’s small steps but at least they are in the right direction. I’m glad that you are going to look at the tips to see if they resonate with you.

Goodnight all. Xx

Definitely Denial. I'm not doing well on the job front. Not even heard back from two. I stupidly missed a telephone interview with one I wanted . I set up a new email as he is still using our shared one and then forgot to check it. I'm now suffering with a bunging cold and cant go to the gym .
Saw a family lawyer at CAB she reminded me that we are married and everything is half n half and he doesnt decide for me anymore.

Just a load of arseholes.

Hi all. I slept really well last night after yoga. I feel really flat 😕. Having to communicate with ex. It’s difficult, not because I still love him, because I don’t. It’s because, since the split, his behaviour has been so cruel I’m afraid of getting hurt again and finding myself back at square one emotionally. I am scared. If he had been able to behave kindly, and responsibly, without the mind games, this process would have been hard but also easier. That’s why I’m doing an anxiety/stress CBT course, to try to manage that. I feel like he still has control over me. I want that feeling to go. Lots to think about. I’m seeing a friend later and she is very wise.

Hope everyone has a good day. I hope that I get mine back on track. xx

@Tinydancer123, @SoTiredTonight, @SupberbMonkey, many thanks for your words of support, February so far has been absolutely awful...

After jokingly stating I was going to 'retire' recently when youngest turned 18 I am currently nursing eldest through a horrible virus...it feels harder than it's ever been! On top of that DH has said some awful things to me, when I feel he should be recognising a little of what I've done over the years , which is the bulk of bringing up our DC pretty well AND holding down tough careers/jobs (that is the summary of a very long story.)

Sorry folks, just feel like Cinderella at them moment except there's never any Ball , just more work work work.

I normally try to help others on threads but I have honestly no energy even to do that so I am sorry, I really don't mean to be selfish. Just hope you can all find some comfort on here and elsewhere.

i bet you're all thinking 'sounds like she should be on vodka, never mind tea and biccies - LOL'

Vodka sounds great ! Although I prefer wine !

Please do not feel selfish. It is overwhelming. I am forgetting so much.
We are all here ! Just concentrate on the children.

Perhaps make a list of where you feel he controls aspects of life ? Then try and take control @SuperbMonkey ? I had counselling today and this is what we discussed.

@Bigpooh13 the job will come we are all here behind you 😍😘

@caketimeisover how ard you ??

Argghh just lost a big reply! Why does it do that?!

Hope you're doing ok @shadypines and @Sweetmummy77.

@SuperbMonkey I have that same protection instinct - I can't look at ex when we're talking, I end up talking to the floor. Emotional defences are still up, and rightly so. Got to protect and look after ourselves and try to keep the anxiety to a minimum. It's so hard though.

@Bigpooh13 glad you've got some legal advice. He doesn't get to dictate the terms of the split, you should both leave the marriage in as equal and fair way as possible. He's trying to control the narrative, to scare you into agreeing to whatever he says but that's not how it works, arsehole. Stay strong and keep fighting for what you deserve, and what will be the start of a shiny dickhead-free future.

Thanks for asking @Tinydancer123 and for everyone going "what a wanker". I am, to be honest, feeling pretty furious today. I don't even know why. Ex picked up kids this morning and I could have lamped him. Just wanted to shout F*#K YOU in his face. My counselor keeps asking where my anger is and I think I may have located it...

Seeing OW has triggered something. I've tried so hard not to think about her - what she's done says everything about the kind of person she is, I shouldn't be wasting energy on her. I came to the conclusion that actually I have no reason to ever have to see her again really (even if they stay together not for a very long time if they stay together). But there she was, in my face, on my morning commute. She's not some random, she was our friend. We all hung out together, she was at my hen do, my wedding, we went to festivals, celebrated birthdays together, she knows my kids and knows me - still she was happy to have sex with him while I was at home breastfeeding a 2 week old baby and wrangling the other 2 kids, she was happy to date him for a year while he was married to me, she encouraged him to walk out on his 3 kids quite aside from what it's done to me. She's been on the scene all this time. It's just revolting. He gets the gold medal for being a selfish monster but she definitely gets the silver. And if they stay together, what, she becomes their stepmum?! When she helped destroy their family? Trying to avoid a pity party but honestly it's just so unfair, it's all so horrible and all so completely out of my control. I feel like he's got exactly what he wants, whereas I just keep losing. Gahhhhhh.

I also have a big birthday this week. Seeing friends and family but it all seems a bit pointless. At least I'm not having a midlife crisis though, his one was big enough for us both!

I know I've come a long way. In the less than 5 months since DDay, I've gone back to work after maternity leave, filed for divorce, got decree nisi, come to agreement on finances, house and kids (hopefully tomorrow it'll all be done and dusted), kept the kids alive and happy, and managed not to murder anyone. So that's got to be something, and I can see that the situation could be worse if practical things hadn't worked out ok. But I just keep coming back to why on earth would anyone behave like this - it's just completely unfathomable.

Sorry for the emotional vomit!

Your post has made me cry , I am so so sorry you have to deal with this. I know no matter what I say it is just so hard.

He is vile they both are. You deserve so much better. The children deserve better. Xxx xxx here for you

Ps she is a cockwomble

@caketimeisover, I can’t say anything to make the emotions go away. What I can say is that you are my heroine! I wish I had one small bit of your strength. Completely awesome and such a strong, strong woman. Frankly I think you were just too strong for him. He needs a weak, sad, pathetic, desperate OW like your ex-friend to make him feel more manly. Your future is so bright and your children have a brilliant role model (as do I). The betrayal by both of them is so hard. But you have shown them who you are, and they better believe you! 🍾

I had a big birthday too. It was fun, if different. You will enjoy it. Hearing from you gives me hope. And, I’m being ignored again in spite of my best efforts to move things forward. I’m just not important or worthy enough for attention, even if the attention is in his best interests. I think that the OW has to advise him on every step!! He never was any use at thinking for himself. However I am going to be eye-balling him when it comes to it. I have nothing to be ashamed of. xx

@shadypines, it’s good to hear from you. You have done your bit helping others on threads. Let us help you. It sounds as if you have got a huge amount on your plate, so do what you can. We will keep thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts. xx

@Bigpooh13
Our posts this morning crossed. I sorry about the bad news on the job front. You only missed one interview, which is a shame. The other two jobs may contact you yet. There will be more jobs to apply for. The right one is out there. It’s good that you are going to the gym. That will make you feel so much better. It’s also good that you are caring for your cold. A nice hot toddy will sort you out! The news from the CAB is good too. Are you waiting for him to divorce you, or are you going to start proceedings?

@Tinydancer123, thanks for the suggestion. It’s a very good one, and I will be taking it on board. Let me know how it works for you and I will do the same.

Much love to everyone, and thank you for being here urging me on. 😘😘😘😘

Gud to see all these chats as it shows we can all communicate and have a safe place to vent our feelings.

@caketimeitsover. You are mighty.
What an utter bitch ow is . I really dont know how she could do it.
I know his OW shes been an cow ever since we got together. It just doesnt make any sense.
You are doing so well. I need that anger.

You are all so right he is still trying to control me. But not having it.
I'm sure hes gonna spend all his money so there is none left.
He told me 2 weeks ago that he had started financial disclosure. But I know that hes lied so much that it was probably another lie. He was the one who wanted to start divorce asap. 6 months on nothing.

I'm feeling better as I think of the way he has treated me since the day he left is absolutely disgusting and I would never of thought it from him.
I think them 2 deserve each other.

Thanks for the words about my job hunting. I've put it down to another one of those things that weren't to be.
Wishing you all kind thoughts.