Some Friendly Words - Support Group

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

Hello, I thought I'd get us started in our new place.

Kind of imagining it full of comfy chairs and sofas, with hot cups of tea an hand along with a well-stocked bar.

Welcome all xx

@Bigpooh13 and @SoTiredTonight, thank you for your good wishes. I’m on my way home and I’m very tired. Had to use my brain far too much!

Interestingly I also feel down and in a slump again. My thoughts and feelings are very connected with how tired I am. So some self-care tonight. Nothing stressful. I had CBT this morning too. This was about worrying and how to manage that. There are real and hypothetical worries e.g the divorce is a real worry, and the world ending is hypothetical. Plans can be made and implemented for real worries. Hypothetical worries should be put to one side and considered for 15 minutes a day, then followed by relaxation. Many of the hypothetical worries will have disappeared by the time they are considered. My problem is that the real worries are very real. But procrastinating about them isn’t helping.

Oh well, on we go. Enjoy the rest of the evening everyone. Xx

Gggggrrrr... just lost a long message I’d been writing!

@SuperbMonkey, hope you enjoyed your work day nonetheless!?
I totally get the tiredness affecting emotions; I find that getting hungry, tired or stressed (as if... I obviously mean more stressed than what is the norm these days!) really sends my thoughts and emotions haywire. I suppose the advantage of being aware of this is having some limited ability to avoid it happening, or to remedy as soon as is realistically possibly (food, sleep etc).
Does your CBT therapist have any realistic suggestions as to how to put things to one side? Or indeed how to limit the ruminating to 15 mins daily? Sounds idyllic! 😂
I’m feeling physically run down today but it gives me a perfect excuse to take it easy and get one with some long neglected admin. Actually had quite an efficient day, everything considered.
How has everyone been today? xx

Glad today went well @SuperbMonkey. But sorry you're having a slump.

My day started terribly - almost ran into OW on the station platform (she doesn't live near us so must have had an overnight visit with ex...). Got quite close before I realised so she must have seen me, turned round to get away and then nearly ran straight into ex who was coming from the other direction to meet her (he had to drop kids this morning so must have been catching her up). Did a comedy "argh what shall I do" circle then legged it as far away as possible. Cried all the way to work. I know it's happening, but I just don't need to see it. He sent a message saying "sorry that must have been horrible" but there's no response to that - yes it was, but so was being left at home with a newborn while you went off to shag your girlfriend. So was the way you treated me the last 18 months of our marriage. So is everything. So it's a bit late for sorry now. Just one more bite of the never-ending shit sandwich that is my life at the moment.

Annoyingly had a fairly good weekend (kids away, didn't cry too much, saw friends, go me!) Just when you feel like you're making progress something else comes along to flatten you.

I’m so sorry @caketimeisover, that sounds absolutely horrible. Don’t know what to say at all, just want to send and a hug. Arsehole.

Oh @caketimeisover that is truly rubbish. It's all well saying you know it's happening, but it is so painful none-the-less. Hopefully you have some nice work colleagues who made you a cuppa and gave you a hug in real life?
Did you respond to his message?
I am dreading the day I bump into him and/or her for the first time; I know it will happen. I felt highly anxious just walking round the local supermarket today, just in case she was there (even though I was fairly sure she was working today). It's grim. Sending you hugs x

Thank you so much @SoTiredTonight and @BunnyandBee. I know I need to get to a place where I don't let any of this affect me at all, but I'm just not there yet. A few weeks ago I thought maybe it'll be ok if I just never have to see or talk to her ever again - I have to see him for the kids but if I just chop everything else away maybe it'll be ok. But then there she is hanging about on my morning commute. I used to get the train in with him so it's like he just swapped me out for someone else. And then you start picking at your insecurities (I must have been so awful if he was willing to do all this and not even try to work things out etc etc) and then back down the hole we go. Gahhhhhh.

On the plus side, you calling him an arsehole made me smile!

I didn't reply. Nothing to say really. I don't want to give him/her any ammunition to say I'm being horrid or unreasonable or anything, and I don't think he gets to know about me and my feelings etc anymore, so with anything like this I just keep quiet.

What. A. Dickhead.

I'm so sorry to you all. What shite days you've had. Bumping into them is a nightmare I've only seen them driving past twice in his car. Actually bumping into them will kill me. So well done. You handled yourselves well.
CBT hmm what did the councellor say to me , what's the worse that could happen. I replied it already has.
Then told me not to ruminate.
I would love not to ruminate I would love to know why he couldn't and wouldn't want to try and work out his feelings with me ,us.
I'm so pleased at the moment that I think hes an utter arsehole.

@caketimeisover Well done for not replying, he doesn't deserve to know, you're right. But it's ok to list all those reasons, just like you did in your pp about how all of it has been shit, not just today's event. Sadly I literally don't think they get it at all.

I must have been so awful if he was willing to do all this and not even try to work things out etc etc
My goodness though, I have literally written that multiple times over the last few weeks. It is so hard to feel anything but that is the logical and only truth. But it is not the truth. people who do this to their spouses are selfish cowards. You deserve a whole lot more than that.

Can I make a brew, pull up a chair and say hi to everyone as I'm new here and I've just had the most horrendous few weeks with DH ( not for the first time). His drip feed of negativity is driving me insane and is quite often irrational. I've spent over 20 yrs bringing up our DC pretty well (others have told me this I'm not just bragging), it's bloomin hard work being a mum and doing it well isn't it? I just feel at the end of it all I've had constant negative gripes and put downs when I'm trying to do my best (sorry I'm not providing a long back story I'm too tired and don't know if this is the right place).

i just wanted a little vent from my comfy chair in the corner, hugging my cuppa......I need a choc digestive ....(I'm trying to cling on to the remnants of my sense of humour)

I'm abit worried . I'm wondering if I'm in denial . As I'm feeling alot better recently. I'm not even worrying much about my debt or how to live on a penance that I have each month.

@Bigpooh13 I have days like that and I’m pretty sure that it is denial in my case. Sorry.

Welcome @shadypines (like your name, sounds very serene!), hope you’re comfy in your chair! handschoccybiscuit Feel free to give as much backstory as you like and when you like, you’ll definitely find a few pairs of listening ears here. And understanding and encouragement too! Not sure if you’ve RTFT but most regulars here have given a little background and we have a really nice little community. So do make yourself at home if you like it here! And of course sorry that you feel the need to be here, but good to have you nonetheless!
On that note, I shall say goodnight to all you ladies. Here’s to a peaceful nights sleep! xxx

#italicsfail handschoccybiscuit

Oh Lord @caketimeisover, that sounds horrendous. What a tossery fuckwit to meet her there when, presumably, he'd have known you might also be around. You CAN rise above that sort of wankbadgerdom. And you did, so you should feel strong. Though so sorry you (quite understandably) found yourself sobbing all the way to work and sending you and . And, yes, don't reply - much worse for him and he deserves quite a lot of much worse.

@SoTiredTonight, thank you for your good wishes. How annoying to lose the long message. I hate it when that happens 😡. I did enjoy being back in the swing of things. I’m glad I’m not the only one to suffer from increased emotional moods when I’m tired etc. That’s a good point about the awareness enabling us to do something about it. The group therapists suggest that problem solving for real problems works best by writing out all possible solutions, listing for and against each, then choosing and implementing one solution, checking to see how it’s going. The act of writing down the problem and solutions helps to reduce the worry. The ruminating for hypothetical problems is strictly limited by a timer on a phone or clock to 15 minutes. The idea is to practice thinking about the problem just within the 15 minutes. If intrusive thoughts pop up at other times, they are to be parked until the worry time. I agree that it’s idyllic but the therapists practice it themselves and says that it works. I’m going to give it a go. I. Glad you got lots done in spite of feeling in emotional turmoil.

@caketimeisover, thanks too for your lovely words. I’m filled with horror at your experience today. He would have done better not to send you a message. How was that supposed to make you feel ok, but I’m sure it made him feel like a caring human being instead of a s*6t! Well done for not replying. Treat it with disdain. There’s nothing wrong with you. And everything is wrong with him and her. You would think that they would have the grace to take another train. I’m angry on your behalf. It sounds like you dealt with it really well; you went to work even if you cried. I’m sure your colleagues took good care of you. As you say as time goes by these incidents will bother you less, but it’s hard nevertheless,

@BunnyandBee, they are cowards, you are absolutely right. Their behaviour says nothing about us and everything about them. If your marriage is in difficulties, deal with that, don’t jump into the first bed on offer to you. Leave without having an affair. Be an adult, especially when they have children.

@Bigpooh13, keep thinking bad thoughts about him. The problem is that once you try not to think of, say, a pink elephant, all you can think about is a pink elephant. So trying not to think about him will result in thinking about him. The only answer is time, I fear. You’re not in denial, you’re just getting stronger every day. Hang on to that.

@Shadypines, what a lovely user name. Conjures up calm pictures. Welcome. You can vent as much as you like, with a brew and a biscuit. It sounds like, in spite of everything, your sense of humour is intact.

Hoping that everyone else is ok and not having too bad a time. @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, @Emmerdaledramaqueen, and @Tinydancer123 sending you warm thoughts. @simply4help hope you are ok. Sleep well, all. Xx

Dropping by to say ‘morning everyone’. Hope you are all ok?

xx

I am so sorry for the lady who saw the ow that is awful !!

Can you ladies help me , sorry to post about me and no one else. I am struggling with thoughts and questions. My ex has agreed to talk to me but I wanted to see it you ladies think I am overacting or mad ! Please be brutal.

Ok I cannot blame this situation for the break up because I have my demons and I am not perfect. However this is the thing I cannot move past and it impacts me hugely.

There was a huge amount of gossip about my husband and another mum at the school gates . At first I ignored it , he also went to her gym classes. On occassion they met at a local playcentre after school ( she always seemed to be dressed up ) He often suggested I should have a break from the kids and then later I would find out they were there together. There would also be lots of other people we know there so they were not meeting in secret.

I do not pick up at all and I was bombarded by a few people that there was something going on including screenshots of them talking. A few mutual friends pulled me aside and said they found her very touchy feel with him. A friends husband said it made him feel uncomfortable. There was a rumour in a break my husband and I had he had been to their house and had a threesome 😣

So I addressed it said I trusted him but could he take a step back because I felt upset . Rather than take a step back he then went and told her about all the gossip which caused a world war with her accusing other parents, abusing parents , shouting things like see you at the weekend to my husband . Her husband got involved , my car was keyed. She basically claimed there was a witch hunt and she had done nothing wrong. The husband was quite vile and to be fair I did reply "what a shame " on a whatsapp group whn it was all kicking off when she could not make a party , which was imature he then called my husband threatning he would go back to his mafia lifestyle if I did not pipe down. I must add throughout this whole saga which lasted 5 months I said hardly anything.

Anyhow without my knowledge him and her decided to screw the gossips and continue chatting sadly imo she is abit stupid and was being really overt bending over and making a spectacle of the situation. She claims to empower women but there was no thought for my feelings.

Eventually things settle we seem to move forward. We went away over the summer he agreed she was quite flirty and it was dealt with badly on her part but added to by loads of gossips. I just asked him not to meet with her. I was not really happy about the gym and her classes. However wanted to save our marriage. He told me he deleted her number which he apparently got when it all kicked off and she was screaming at another mum. So he called her try and calm it down.

We come back from the summer holidays where he did not go to the gym. He goes back to the school run and the gym. Within a week he tells me I am boring in bed as I said no to sex , immediately after he comes back from the gym. That our marriage is over. This was the Thursday.

He then text her and arranged to meet her at the playbarn on the friday. Despite him telling me he did not have her number. I arrived and he ignored me and had told her our marriage was over.

Please someone tell me I am not mental would you be angry ?? Is this normal ??? I feel so betrayed and I literally cannot let it go.

She is apparently still with her husband.

@tinydancer. Dont ever think you are mental. You have every right to be angry . What another arsehole. Absolutely disgusting to act like that with you. OW drama queen. Hope her husband understands what's going on. I'm so sorry.

@Tinydancer123, first of all, it’s good to hear from you. Second of all, breathe! And breathe again. Third of all, you are a teacher. You are a super intelligent woman, with an excellent career. You are getting dragged into a school based drama, no sorry, melodrama, that could damage your career. It’s like a soap opera that will end badly for everyone, including potentially your children. Gossip, keying cars, it’s horrible.

Step back. What would you tell a friend in this position?

If I had known that my husband was behaving in a juvenile, adolescent way with his ex I would have booted him out months, no years ago. I didn’t know! You are, I fear, in the same boat, but much younger than me and you know what’s going on. You are not overreacting and you are not mad. His behaviour is not your fault. You have not driven him to it. None of us are perfect. We all have our demons. He made a commitment to you, he had children with you. Now he is behaving like a p*k. My guess is that he is deliberately provoking you to act so that he can say it was your fault, you are mad, and his behaviour is justified by your behaviour. You have been humiliated, and betrayed, and made to look like a fool. I am being brutal but these words apply to me too, so I can be. Please don’t allow this to carry on. Divorce him before his cruelty and abuse drives you over the edge. Look at the Freedom Programme - he sounds like a headworker.

Look at chumplady too because you need a head wobble. You are worth so much more than this. Pride, self-respect, dignity. Don’t get dragged down to their grubby level. xx

Thank you !

I have removed myself completly and called the police. My head was amazing and it has all now calmed. Thankfully.

I just wanted to hear that anyone else would feel upset , degraded and as let down as I do. That I am not mad to be angry.

Xxxx

Ps that was at the time .

@Tinydancer123, well done for acting, including contacting the police. Just avoid the drama queens. They aren’t good for you!

@Tinydancer123 Wow, what a mindf**k! You most certainly are neither overreacting nor mad; what he’s doing is a classic case of gaslighting, re-writing reality as you see it. He’s trying to make you seem the unreasonable and therefore the guilty party who’s driven him to act as he did. Stick to your guns and don’t allow him to mess with your head. And I’m really sorry you have to deal with all that, it’s beyond confusing and unsettling when you end up questioning yourself constantly. So stressful! Hugs and ! xx

I'm just home after a very long day. I'm not feeling all that optimistic but things have to change. Just nice knowing thete are people who won't think i'm an idiot. x

@Sweetmummy77 welcome! Why are you feeling so down? No one will think you’re an idiot here.