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Original poster

Completely wrong for me bloke...

113 replies

Whathewhatnow · 01/02/2020 19:27

Last month I finally got it together with a longstanding male friend. He funny, expressive, talented, tender, intelligent, creative, sensitive. He loves me. I love him. Hes generous and adventurous in bed and a skilled lover.

He is also a fucking nightmare. He loves a drink, he smokes, he has no filter, is fairly hard up? lives very unconventionallly & frugally and has not had a long term relationship for 15 years.

I dont know how to be about this, with him. Do I give it a go?
I do so love him. But I also know that I might be going down a painful and difficult path. WWYD wise women (and a few men) of Mumsner....

OP posts:
Crafty11 · 01/02/2020 19:29

Do not do it! Why pit yourself through all that pain and bother. You'll look back in hindsight and think what was I doing

swingchandelier · 01/02/2020 19:33

Give it a go if you accept him for how he is and are willing to live the unconventional lifestyle he offers. He won’t change for you and it’s not fair to expect him to either

HollowTalk · 01/02/2020 19:34

If you want to have a very unhappy life, continue with this relationship.

Grobagsforever · 01/02/2020 19:37

Just have a FWB arrangement?

Blueskyhappy · 01/02/2020 19:38

You could just go for it ... but what happens when the excitement wears off ... and the drinking/smoking / frugal lifestyle start to get to you if and when you want to settle down ? Difficult one Smile

bigchris · 01/02/2020 19:38

If he's talented, expressive and creative coukd you suggest he makes something to sell ?

bigchris · 01/02/2020 19:39

I would add if you really love him it is better to stick with him than go with someone sensible you don't truly love

Are they sparks?

Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 01/02/2020 19:40

That's mostly 'no' then. I just never meet anyone I feel anything real for. He is different. We would definitely not share a home or finances. Ever. I wondered about something more than FBW but less than cohabitation. Or is this still mad?

OP posts:
bigchris · 01/02/2020 19:41

How old are you?

Are kids involved?

PicsInRed · 01/02/2020 19:43

Hes generous and adventurous in bed and a skilled lover.
He is also a fucking nightmare. He loves a drink, he smokes, he has no filter, is fairly hard up? lives very unconventionallly & frugally

OP, be very honest with yourself.

Is he a bit of a cocklodger?

Because it stands to reason a cocklodger has to have some sort of, erm, talent Hmm Grin to keep a woman interested long enough to get those feet under her table.

Is he a little bit cocklodgery? Be honest.

MimiLaRue · 01/02/2020 19:43

Attraction (and even love) is not enough on its own to sustain a good, healthy relationship. You could have the sexiest, most spectacular looking, charismatic, charming man on earth but if he's crap at relationships, shows addictive behaviours and is broke, it aint gonna go very far is it?

Once the lust wears off (and it will) all you'll be left with is a broke, messy, drunken nightmare and you'll have wasted years of your life trying to "give him a chance" whilst kicking yourself all the while for not cutting your losses sooner. The biggest mistake you can ever make is getting together with someone in the hope that they'll "change". They never do. If you cant live with his personality now then its not going to suddenly become appealing in a couple of years is it?

category12 · 01/02/2020 19:44

If you can be happy not doing the relationship escalator thing (of thinking it has to go somewhere and end up living together etc), then go for it, enjoy it and take it for what it is.

Dozer · 01/02/2020 19:45

No, don’t date him.

Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 01/02/2020 19:45

Oh there are sparks alright.
When the excitement wears off... hmm. Not sure. I've loved him for best part of 2 years. No sign of feelings waning on my part any time soon... if we never had sex again, I'd still love him.

Big chris, this is the thing... I had a sensible man for 15 years. It killed me. His lack of passion, drive, intellectual ambition.

I don't know what to do. Genuinely.

OP posts:
Nothing2doooooo · 01/02/2020 19:46

If what bothers you about him is more than what you like about him, then you shouldn't bank on changing him. It's so unfair for people to know someone, have doubts about them, agree to get into a relationship with them, then get pissed that they won't change. It's idiotic, even.

So put the "love tingles" on pause and use rational thought. Does this really bother you or is it something you don't mind?

Yes it does? Then don't waste your and his time.
No, it doesn't or I don't mind? Then carry on.

Dozer · 01/02/2020 19:47

If you’re sensible it’s really not

There are men who are fun, kind, good in bed and so on who are also solvent and don’t have addictions.

Voxx · 01/02/2020 19:47

As a FWB? Absolutely fine. All you’re looking for there is a great shag and maybe some decent conversation afterwards.

As a relationship? Nah. Really don’t. And you have feelings for him which means it already has the potential to get very messy.

Either back right off and keep him as a friend you shag occasionally, or end it.

Krazynights34 · 01/02/2020 19:48

I’m probably going against the tide here. I married someone like that!
I’d say try it.
He only disappointed me when he became sensible, controlling (I won’t go on)

HumansAreConsumable · 01/02/2020 19:48

What does he want ? Im picturing Stig of the Dump! No offence Grin

MimiLaRue · 01/02/2020 19:48

I've loved him for best part of 2 years

From afar. Youve never actually been in a relationship with him though have you? Loving the idea of someone is very, very different to the reality of being in a relationship with them. Once he's offended all your friends with his drunken "no filter" conversation, and he comes home stinking of stale cigarettes and he doesnt buy you so much as a birthday present because he's broke as fck, it might not seem like such a great idea....

category12 · 01/02/2020 19:50

Look, life is short and sometimes unconventional is good.

If it wouldn't work forever, so what? Few things do.

Just don't give him money or a place to live or storage for his stuff and don't expect him to change.

Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 01/02/2020 19:52

Cocklodger.... oh god. I really don't think so. But it is possible, I suppose.
He doesnt like depending on others. At all. He won't take favours generally. Or will and then spends about 30 minutes telling you how grateful he is, so I have to tell him to STFU.

OP posts:
Nothing2doooooo · 01/02/2020 19:52

@Krazynights34 That is if it's the sort of person she likes. But she's already having doubts/seeing a problem with it, which means if she carries on, she'll end up here some weeks or months or years down the line, asking why he is the way he is and how terrible he is for not changing and "should I leave him? Am I being unreasonable to expect better?"

Carolamc · 01/02/2020 20:01

So you want children with him? If so, be very very careful. If not, well, I have a friend that had a very happy loving relationship IN SEPARATE HOMES! It all depends on where you are in your life...

Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 01/02/2020 20:02

Oh I know he will not change. I don't want or expect it, because then he wouldnt be him.

I have my own money, good job, tons of friends. He will not be part of my children's world. Ever. We ar both very clear about that.

OP posts:
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