Completely wrong for me bloke...

[Whathewhatnow]

Last month I finally got it together with a longstanding male friend. He funny, expressive, talented, tender, intelligent, creative, sensitive. He loves me. I love him. Hes generous and adventurous in bed and a skilled lover.

He is also a fucking nightmare. He loves a drink, he smokes, he has no filter, is fairly hard up? lives very unconventionallly & frugally and has not had a long term relationship for 15 years.

I dont know how to be about this, with him. Do I give it a go?
I do so love him. But I also know that I might be going down a painful and difficult path. WWYD wise women (and a few men) of Mumsner....

I do NOT want children with him. Absolutely not. My family is complete. Neither of us are young enough either!

So what's the problem - you're both free agents, you know what he's like and don't want him to change, you're not intending to join finances or homes. Why not just have tons of fun and sex and enjoy it?

What do you see yourself as with him?. Do you want to make this guy your project or do-er upper to improve upon?. He is not your project nor is yours to rescue and or save.

Do you love this person or are you really confusing that here with codependency?

Do read the book entitled women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher because it’s way too low at present. Love your own self for a change.

You already know you shouldn’t pursue this.

Well, then go for it.

Haha two diametrically opposing viewpoints!

Thing is you're not looking for a life partner to start a family and buy a house with are you? What I think you're looking for is a companion, someone to have fun with and share things with. He won't be part of your childrens' lives. So why not continue to see him, sleep with him, have fun with him, and go home afterwards? What's wrong with that? You don't have to have ambitions for relationships in order for them to work. As long as you're both happy that's all that matters. I think it's fine to just see how things go. You're not compatible in terms of living together, but that's not what you'd want anyway.

Got together with my best male friend, tho we had been having sex too, after an 28 months friendship. Another year on and it's all over. Don't even think he's a friend anymore. Neither of us young but he showed a different side to himself and stuff happened which I thought he'd support me through and he didn't. I'm heartbroken, in fact we both are. Don't do it. Keep
It asfriends.

18 months friendship rather. I still love him and he still loves me. It just wasn't going to work. Drinking, smoking same here, only thing is I've probably developed an alcohol problem as a result. Oh and I owe him money, which he's by no means letting me forget about.

Helpmyhead sorry to hear about that. Sounds painful x

Eddielizard I'm not looking for a life partner, no, and neither is he.

I think I'll suck it and see and keep a healthy degree of separation between my life and his.

Op, my two pence worth, I'm seeing someone quite similar as a FWB arrangement though in reality it's probably dating as I don't see anyone else. A real mess lifewise but lovely person, adoring and amazing in bed. A huge change from an abusive, controlling ex. I think you know this person isn't forever but suits you for now.

If you're never going to live together, and if he's never going to meet your children, then it's quite a distant/friends with benefits set up anyway so just crack on until it fizzles out. Seems odd to me but we all see relationships differently!

Quite mixed responses. Thanks everyone.

@Eesha...We started out saying 'let's be FWB' too. And then mission creep... neither wants the other to see someone else and definitely not sleep with anyone else. I also have not long come out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Maybe it's our bid for freedom...

@Whathewhatnow similar lives! For me, my FWB is refreshing and fun but I can see also more clearly now that he is quite lazy, emotionally unavailable for me at times, hopeless with real life issues and no incentive to change that pattern either! He lives in a dreamland. I'm pretty sure someone will come along in a few years for me who will be better on paper and I'll probably give this all up. The thing is you can't change these people, you have to accept their limitations and make your decisions accordingly.

Run run run!! Run away!

Nope! Keep away. While you're wasting your life with him you will miss someone who is perfect for you.

Don't do it! Honestly! He won't change, you'll get frustrated and 5 years down the line.... you'll wish you'd never got involved.

Whatthewhatnow

re your comment:-
"I also have not long come out of an emotionally abusive relationship".

Aha. So you remain vulnerable to such approaches from men who apparently shows any sort of interest towards you, no matter how unsuitable.

Your boundaries, weakened as they are by previous abuse, are still shit because you;re thinking about this man. Love your ow self for a change; stig won't (he clearly does not at all love himself either) and you will only end up being further used and denigrated. You were with Mr Wrong and this man is another version of Mr Wrong. You deserve better even though you believe/think otherwise. Consider also why you are still apparently choosing men like this current specimen.

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. Your kids as well as your own self will thank you for doing so.

I would also read up about the state of trauma bonding because this could be happening to you.

And how are you at all going to keep a "healthy degree of separation between my life and his" particularly when your own boundaries are still shot?

These are really questions you should be asking your own self here.

If you're happy then I can't see the problem, just carry on as you are and see where it goes. There are no certainties in anything.

You say you already love him (or your idea of him), so “healthy separation” and ad hoc dating with him seem unrealistic.

You know there’s no future, eg you never plan on him being part of your DCs’ lives. You’d be knowingly signing up for drama and hurt. This will also negatively effect your DC as it’ll drain your time and energy and you’ll feel low.

Suggest Freedom Programme etc before dating.

Dating someone with alcohol problems and unstable earnings due to his choices / addictions would be a bad plan.

Just make sure your kids are your first thought, then do it

If her DC are really her “first thought” she won’t date this guy! Waste of time, energy and emotion.

Relationships aren't all filled with happiness. Some are abusive and filled with emotional pain and turmoil.