Completely wrong for me bloke...

[Whathewhatnow]

Last month I finally got it together with a longstanding male friend. He funny, expressive, talented, tender, intelligent, creative, sensitive. He loves me. I love him. Hes generous and adventurous in bed and a skilled lover.

He is also a fucking nightmare. He loves a drink, he smokes, he has no filter, is fairly hard up? lives very unconventionallly & frugally and has not had a long term relationship for 15 years.

I dont know how to be about this, with him. Do I give it a go?
I do so love him. But I also know that I might be going down a painful and difficult path. WWYD wise women (and a few men) of Mumsner....

Nor am I... fat fingers, sorry.

Run for the hills unless you want to end up living in a dumpster.

Closetbean she’s already said she doesn’t want to live with him, share finances or any of that

I dunno, op, he sounds exciting. A man you can talk to, who really gets you, and the sex is good... and you’ve known him a while too.

I’d go for it. Slowly. See what happens?

Well that's a relief!!

A functioning alcoholic is never going to make a good partner imo. I'm concerned you will end up bailing him out of his fuck ups OP.

You've had red flags and warning bells very early on. Take notice of them.

Arf at living in a dumpster. Or loving in a dumpster as autocorrect wanted. Now that would be unpleasant.

I would go for it . Some people have relationships with perfectly good partners and it may last for years, but they may never experience the feelings you have at the moment . Just enjoy it for now. Like they say better to have loved and lost than never be loved at all.

How broke is he? Whose to say he isn't thinking how unsuitable you really are and wondering where it is going long term

Not broke broke. I helped him submit his tax return a couple of days ago 😬. He earns about 1/3 of what I earn.

He could well be thinking how unsuitable I am. Who knows.

Why would you be helping an adult submit a tax return ? If he is not capable of that ?

Because he doesnt have a laptop and doing it on a phone is really bloody fiddly!

You did not answer the question. He not having a laptop etc is irrelevant. Why is he asking you re this?.

I still very much think that your boundaries here remain very much skewed particularly following a previous abusive relationship.

Does this man see you really as a "nurse with a purse"?.

He didn't ask. I offered. It's what friends do for eachother, no?? I'm helping another with advanced excel and I'm pretty sure she isn't texting to do me over. My boundaries are ok thanks. Honestly.

Trying to do me over. Not texting...

No your boundaries are not ok, well not to my mind anyway. What are you both to each other; friends, lovers. Its all being blurred. What are you getting out of this, what needs of yours are being met here (remove the sex and what are you left with re him).

Men like this guy you're seeing often have some sort of tortuous edge to them which some women really do find appealing. To me you're basically saying that you do not believe you deserve better.

Have you really been conditioned here to try to fix others or are you the sort of person everyone comes to because you're "helpful"?. Do you have difficulty in saying no to people who ask you for help?. I would think these people however, are nowhere to be seen when you yourself need help?.

I just like doing stuff for other people. It's part of my nature. I know about rescuer tendencies and codependency. I've definitely been a rescuer in previous relationships. Definitely. But this one... for some reason I dont want to rescue him. And bizarrely I think that is why it works. Because he is just him, and I am just me, and we are both ... enough.

What do I get out of it? Intellectual stimulation. Laughter and fun. Shared passion for a hobby
S omeone who gets me absolutely and who I get absolutely; it's like we can see through each other. Emotional and practical support. So, not nothing.

I have many excellent friends who are always there for me in a crisis. I was definitely brought up to be a helper but the older I've got the more I've realised that actually that is a dishonest dynamic because you're not making yourself vulnerable to other people.

He does have a ... tortured edge. Not so much torturous, I'm not sure what you mean there. So do I (have a tortured edge). That is part of the reason we get on. I find people who go through life with no existential challenges or questions a bit... uninspiring.

Counselling for yourself may be helpful to you here not as just an investment in you but for your kids too. What do you want to teach them about relationships?

What do you want to do with him if not rescue him?. Are you stating that you are happy for the two of you to use each other for your own respective ends?. That is what you are both doing here.

It is not wrong to want to help others but there has to be a balance and it could well be that you are being taken advantage of. When was the last time you said no?. The desire to help others can sometimes come from a lack of self worth.

Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.

I think you are still very much a rescuer and people pleaser. This is what you were taught about relationships when you were growing up and this has very much stayed with you ever since. Those tendencies extend to this man now.

Many people who go through life without being abused or having existential challenges are not intellectually uninspiring nor boring. So why are they to you?. You feel you have nothing in common with such people?.

I would also read about trauma bonding; this could also well be what is happening here. You're both "tortured souls" and its an unhealthy dynamic for you in particular. One day your kids will grow up and leave home; what sort of relationship would you want them to have?.

The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centered on drama. Make these your “go-to” people. It is extremely difficult to heal without support.

My DD has had many relationships with very suitable men, but she's now with someone who is nothing like her usual type. It appears to be working in a way the others didn't.

We love who we love OP, no need to stick a label on it.

I find people who go through life with no existential challenges or questions a bit... uninspiring

Genuine question- whats "inspiring" about a person with an alcohol addiction, no social filter/skills, and no money? how is that inspiring? Personally, I find people who have overcome challenges, been entrepreneurial and made something courageous out of their lives far more inspiring than someone who is just a hot mess and doesnt appear to give a crap about other people's feelings.

Dont confuse "tortured" with "interesting". Sometimes "tortured" simply means acting like a dick head and dragging everyone else into their life of destruction and chaos...

@Whathewhatnow Why not go for it and see what happens? Could you walk away and be content with your decision? You could be throwing something great away!

So what if he lives a slightly different way to you? You could also make each other really happy! (Except if he really is stig of the dump in which case please forget all the above!)