Completely wrong for me bloke...

[Whathewhatnow]

Last month I finally got it together with a longstanding male friend. He funny, expressive, talented, tender, intelligent, creative, sensitive. He loves me. I love him. Hes generous and adventurous in bed and a skilled lover.

He is also a fucking nightmare. He loves a drink, he smokes, he has no filter, is fairly hard up? lives very unconventionallly & frugally and has not had a long term relationship for 15 years.

I dont know how to be about this, with him. Do I give it a go?
I do so love him. But I also know that I might be going down a painful and difficult path. WWYD wise women (and a few men) of Mumsner....

Well you seem to have strong boundaries and no desire to move him in or have more children with him and you don’t need to rely on him for anything so I see no reason at all why you should not just enjoy it for what it is.

Your children are very lucky. I wish more divorced parents were like you.
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I have one a bit like this, though he got a decent job after a year and now earns very well. He smokes, drinks more than me (though I don't think too much), says what he thinks, has a very laid-back attitude, and neither of us wants to live together (he's the one with a 10yo). It's a live-out bf/gf situation.

I don't want to rescue him; if anything I want to be more like him! I'm a natural worrier and he balances it out well. My exh was quite humourless, and this guy is up for a laugh. I've also had trouble adjusting from "til death us do part" to "who knows how long it'll last", but even that has been a learning journey for me, a lesson in accepting uncertainty.

I've got some plans later this year that might break us up (we'll be a LDR for a while), but it has been a lot of fun. If I'd been with another more conventional guy I don't think I'd be moving in with anyone anyway.

It sounds to me like some people here can’t accept that you’d be genuinely happy with the arrangement as it is and are reading your enthusiasm for this FWB-type arrangement as some kind of sign you don’t think you ‘deserve better’. But what is ‘better’? I do think for some people they can’t get their heads around the fact that genuinely not everyone wants the live-in, picket fence partnership, and any other alternative arrangements are in their minds inferior and possibly detrimental. I don’t agree with this at all. There is not only one right way to have a relationship provided everyone is consenting and there’s no power imbalance

@dodgeballchamp i agree with you. In an ideal world I'd have liked the white picket fences but having my last relationship end badly due to abuse, there is no way I'd be introducing a new man into my kids' lives any time soon. Plus I have my kids 100% of the time! So effectively my arrangement suits me, fun every fortnight, regular chats through the weeks. I wish I could have something more substantial but just isn't feasible.

We need to come up with a term for the non picket fence relationship. I think it has a lot going for it :) my 80 year old mum says that it would be her perfect setup. Understandable after a lifetime with my lovely but infuriating father.

I do appreciate what people mean about him not sounding a great catch on paper.. Ciggies, lack of money, not been dinner-party-fodder. couldn't give a shiny shit in truth about that, when I really think of it. I grew up poor in a fug of tobacco smoke and wouldnt have known a dinner party if it'd bit me on the bum... so this is all kind of... normal to me :) Not that I'd want my kids to grow up in that but they wont because they are growing up with me and not him....

Eesha, your situation (and your fella) sound eerily similar. We may also live vaguely near each other if your username is anything to go by...... maybe it's the same guy

@Whathewhatnow yes does sound similar though mine is much more an exclusive FWB than yours it seems. I think I've learnt he will never change and cannot give me any emotional support which is what I crave. So great for the time being until I heal myself if you know what I mean. I certainly know I'll be in a far stronger position if I met someone I wanted to settle down with years down the line as I've learnt a lot about what I want. It's like the two extremes with my ex and current person.

@Eesha I.know what you mean.
The two extremes is very telling and very true to my situation too. I was with this reliable (on the surface) man who provided. He was both artless and underneath, quite unkind I think. Current man is the polar opposite and that must be part of the attraction. I know that.

I hope eventually you find someone who gives you more of what you need... it sounds like you deserve it. No-one can give you everything but ... more ...is generally better, as long as it's more of the right stuff and not the wrong stuff! x

An update a month on.... Well, blow me down with a feather We've settled into something that is a lot like.. a relationship ... but without the cohabitation or the promise of it.

On both sides there has been a bit of tentative...talk about integration. Meeting friends/ family/ etc. Not kids. Never kids. Nope..
Im ok with anything as long as kids are out of the loop.
And that's the end of my brain dump

Sounds great . Long may it last

Bad choices often make very good fuck partners. I speak from extensive experience.
Usually ends in my heartbreak or with me wearing egg on my face.

OP be careful here. I dated someone like this. Seemed like a great guy, respected him a lot intellectually, we settled into a nice routine. Met friends, I met his DM but not his DC. I thought all was great.
Then when we went abroad (his idea) I was nicely told that I was just somebody he thought he could have a pleasant shag with for a few months, that we were never in a relationship’ just friends blah ... blah.
He was a self centred, egotistical wanker in the end all with the facade of being an intelligent all round good guy. Don’t put all your eggs in this basket. He sounds spookily similar

Being very careful. Dont worry.

I might end up with egg on my face. I know that. But on the other hand it's a lot of fun for now.