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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Completely wrong for me bloke...

113 replies

Whathewhatnow · 01/02/2020 19:27

Last month I finally got it together with a longstanding male friend. He funny, expressive, talented, tender, intelligent, creative, sensitive. He loves me. I love him. Hes generous and adventurous in bed and a skilled lover.

He is also a fucking nightmare. He loves a drink, he smokes, he has no filter, is fairly hard up? lives very unconventionallly & frugally and has not had a long term relationship for 15 years.

I dont know how to be about this, with him. Do I give it a go?
I do so love him. But I also know that I might be going down a painful and difficult path. WWYD wise women (and a few men) of Mumsner....

OP posts:
Dozer · 02/02/2020 09:49

None of the good points OP mentions relate to what he’s like in romantic relationships. Apart from sex.

The bad points all bode v badly for his girlfriends: “he is a fucking nightmare”. “Loves a drink” (alcohol problem?), smokes, “has no filter”, hard up financially, lives very unconventionallly & frugally. Has not had a long term relationship for 15 years.

category12 · 02/02/2020 09:52

Attilla may have a point about your relationship history.

But, I don't know, most people in this thread seem to be assuming you want a conventional, escalating relationship with someone. The goal being cosy living together and white picket fence etc. But if that's genuinely not the case, then you could have a lot of fun with such a guy. (For me, it sounds good, because I would run a mile from living with another man. I am happy and productive on my own, and tho I enjoy and love my boyfriend, I like sailing my own ship).

JacquesHammer · 02/02/2020 09:55

lives very unconventionallly & frugally

What do you mean by this?

Honestly if you’re not involving your children, and aren’t looking for a life partner, take it at face value, enjoy the present but don’t have any expectations.

glitterbiscuits · 02/02/2020 10:08

At least get him to stop smoking! Yuck!

eddielizzard · 02/02/2020 10:37

One thing I'd say is that over time you will rely on him for emotional support. It's impossible not to, because you have shared experiences and understanding. And if he doesn't provide that support you'll be hurt. Or if he starts to let you down, which sounds quite possible given his lifestyle. The entire friendship will be lost. Might be worth stepping back now to save what you have.

anotherdisaster · 02/02/2020 13:05

My only concern here would be keeping that level of detachment. I just think you'll end up falling for him further and will end up wanting more than you think you do now.
But, life is short and we all have to take chances sometimes.

Dozer · 02/02/2020 16:51

OP says she “loves” him: that’s not

“Unconventional” and “frugal” often means unemployed and/or financially dependent on others or the state IME.

Dozer · 02/02/2020 16:52

Not “detachment” or casual.

Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 02/02/2020 16:54

Ouch some harsh responses here.... some of them possibly accurate, some I can see how people have come to that conclusion but they arent quite on the money.
My kids will always come first.
I will never ever move another man in to my children's home. Ever. I will certainly never move him in.
My boundaries are pretty good hence keeping him at a physical distance when they are not here, which is half the week. I'm considering letting him stay over the odd night when they are not.
My children always come first.
His unusual living situation is more the choice of abode... let's just say it is not somewhere I'd choose to live but it suits him and he doesnt want to give it up. Thankfully Grin.

I want someone fun who excites my mind. We talk for hours and hours. It's not just the sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 02/02/2020 16:55

He isn't unemployed or dependent on the state at all. He just doesnt have as much as me but I dont particularly care. And I'd never give him bloody money!

OP posts:
FloraGreysteel · 02/02/2020 16:58

It's only a month, how can you actually love him? This is just infatuation. Be honest with yourself and find someone else. There is nothing romantic about this sort of set up.

Weirdomagnet · 02/02/2020 16:59

Is he a little bit cocklodgery? Be honest

😂

ElloBrian · 02/02/2020 16:59

What does ‘a fucking nightmare’ mean exactly ? I can’t answer your question til you elaborate on that I’m afraid.

Dozer · 02/02/2020 17:05

You don’t have to be living with someone to be spending a lot of energy on them, and it to negatively affect you.

Why did you describe him as a “nightmare”?

Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 02/02/2020 17:39

Nightmare: sleeps at odd times - has his work doesnt involve regular office hours, sometimes calls for a chat at 1am; has no truck for social niceties. If someone is fucking him off he just ...tells them. They are the key things...

Its not only been a month. I've known him for years. Theres always been a bit of um sexual tension but I haven't been in a position to pursue until recently...

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 02/02/2020 17:50

Here is what I was going to say by two previous posters

If you're never going to live together, and if he's never going to meet your children, then it's quite a distant/friends with benefits set up anyway

Nope! Keep away. While you're wasting your life with him you will miss someone who is perfect for you

ClashCityRocker · 02/02/2020 18:03

Well, if you're not looking at a stepfather to the kids situation, just a bit of personal fulfilment, I'd say give it a bash.

You sound fairly clued up and with decent boundaries. If you're confident you can maintain that, I don't see why it would be a problem.

ElloBrian · 02/02/2020 18:04

Ok so that’s not really nightmare then (in the sense of potentially abusive) - just inconsiderate and poorly socialised.

If I did not want more children or a live-in relationship then I would pursue it with VERY clear boundaries about what is NOT going to happen (including ideally being phoned in the middle of the night).

What is he looking for? He sounds fairly happy go lucky. Does he want kids? Does he want a woman who worships him? Or will he be happy with semi detached life? If the latter then I don’t see a problem. Just DON’T LEND HIM ANY MONEY.

ElloBrian · 02/02/2020 18:06

(... that’s assuming you don’t care particularly about whether you can take your partner to dinner parties with your snobbiest friends. If you want a socially presentable chap then maybe best to stick to FWB for a bit while you scratch this itch).

Eesha · 02/02/2020 18:08

Op, do you have the ability to meet someone elsewhere? I only ask as I'm a SAHM with full time responsibility for my children. I rarely get a night out and very little opportunity to meet anyone. This person I'm seeing casually now ticks the fun boxes. I think you can see this bloke has both good and bad points but sounds like he suits you for now. I think it's easy for people to say it will stop you meeting someone perfect for you if you never meet anyone anyway due to your situation but seems like you know this bloke itself forever plus he isn't meeting your kids. I think this is responsible of you.

dodgeballchamp · 02/02/2020 18:13

if someone is fucking him off he just ...tells them. for this alone he sounds fantastic. I wish more people were like this.

I’m not seeing the issues with continuing as an FWB (or whatever you want to call it). The “settled” living together picket fence life isn’t the ultimate goal for everyone. You seem aware of his bad points and aren’t expecting him to change, have fun with him and don’t stop valuing your independence away from him too

category12 · 02/02/2020 19:09

I don't see how he couldn't be "perfect" for her if as she says I will never ever move another man in to my children's home. Ever. I will certainly never move him in. What you don't want, if you don't want to live with a guy again, is a chap who does want a conventional domestic life, cos then you're having to put them off and eventually end it because you're not on the same page. A chap who likes living in a yurt or something and foraging or whatever it is that this guy does is a better candidate.

Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 02/02/2020 21:01

So very mixed opinions overall. Hmmm...

I dont want the picket fence life. I don't want him talking me to death every night of he were to move in :) but I would like to be talked to death twice a week. I'm going to suck it and see.

OP posts:
dodgeballchamp · 02/02/2020 22:06

I’d carry on with it. He sounds interesting and like he’s got a strong sense of individuality. I don’t want the picket fence life either and find very conventional people offputting

Original poster
Whathewhatnow · 02/02/2020 22:14

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I really appreciate them. Its unusual to get such a range of opinions on this topic. Usually it is 99.5% leave him or go for it.

Saw him for a couple of hours earlier. We laughed a lot and helped eachother out with some boring practical stuff. And then we went our separate ways and I came home to my kids.

He is not perfect for me. No-one is. , and more am I perfect for anyone.

It's a bit of a headfuck getting the idea of a non-picket-fence relationship into your mind. But maybe it will work as long as no mixing of resources either capital or revenue ;)

I'll let you know if the prophesies of doom come true... they might, yet.

OP posts: