Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Partner won't pay

121 replies

midnightjasmine13 · 29/01/2020 21:10

We live together now. We make the same but I don't have many outgoings. He has debt. He does pay for half of the Hello Fresh which we get and electric. He pays no rent. That's £120 a month he pays for living. I make £1600 and it always seems to go. The main things I end up spending on are just the extras and it adds up to so much. We are moving and I am paying for it all. I am currently in my overdraft. The removals are estimated at £700. We will be laying laminate for the entire two bedroom and I will be paying for that and it getting laid down. I will be paying for all the paint etc. I will be paying for the new couch. Anything else I will pay for too. He has no plans to pay anything and he will also not pay rent in the new place. He wanted better internet and I am paying for it. I understand he has a lot of debt but he doesn't seem to understand that without me he'd be paying for rent etc himself. How would he cope? I know he would just have to. Other people make his money, pay rent, have cars and pay debt. One issue with me saying anything to him is that he took out a credit card for me when I needed it. However, most of that money ended up being spent on things for both of us. Things like food etc. But now I am supposed to pay it back and it's some how apparently doubled from what I thought it was. I desperately want to pay it back but I can't because I keep paying for him. If I don't then he keeps paying the interest although it isn't much right now. In order to move and pay for everything I will have to use my entire overdraft. I will have to get out of it before I can even think about paying off the card. He acts uninterested in flooring or decorating and I am sure it's because he won't have to pay for it. He does care about those things a lot though. I just don't know what to do. I've spelled it out to him about how £120 a month is nothing. Most of his debt is for a loan he took out for his family. He pays that back and he has no money. I then in turn pay for him and essentially then I am paying for his family. We found out recently that his family hadn't been paying something they were supposed to and it had all been coming out from his account and he wouldn't do much about it. I just want him to pay half for things that normal couples do. Acting disinterested in what we own doesn't take away from him needing to pay for what he uses too. It isn't that I want to nicest things and force him to pay for those too. No, everything I own furniture and appliance wise is second hand. Absolutely everything. If he pays no rent surely he can go halves on doing the place up. When we go shopping then anything he wants I will buy. On the odd occasion he is buying then he will split our shopping up so I pay for mine and he buys his own. As he doesn't use cleaning products because I clean then he deems them as something I want. Soap, detergent, bin bags etc. We have a cat which he loves but he will call the cat mine when it comes to food. When he talks to anyone else all of a sudden the cat is his. In the vets he will speak about her, hold her and not give me a look in. That is until it's time to pay. However, he will buy computers and tv's if he wants. He got a large amount of money when he was made redundant. None of which went to the debt. I am well aware that everything I have written is jumbled and I go back and forth to subjects. I don't really expect anyone to read all of this. It's mostly just a vent. I do wish I knew how to solve it. I have tried not buying extras and plan to carry on. But now the move is coming, I just don't know. As I said, he makes the same as me but he has debt. Should I have to take that on. Should I pay for everything and he reap the benefits. It just doesn't seem fair. I guess it doesn't seem fair because he doesn't mention ever really paying me back for it. There's never any 'you pay now, I'll pay later'. The debt I owe him hangs over my head and I feel it gives him a weapon despite that credit cards interest only being a tenner a month right now so it can't explain his lack of funds. I could just keep going on.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 30/01/2020 06:57

Why are you even with him? He doesn't add anything positive to your life.

dementedpixie · 30/01/2020 07:00

Move and leave him behind. I hope the new place is in just your name if it's only you funding it

CeibaTree · 30/01/2020 07:05

What benefit are you getting from this relationship? If you lost your job tomorrow and had no money, I bet you wouldn't see this freeloader for dust. I don't mean to stick the boot in, but why are you letting this man treat you like a complete mug?

LIZS · 30/01/2020 07:08

Why are you moving in together? He is a freeloader.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/01/2020 07:10

How did it come about that you pay everything and he pays nothing? You need to have a seriously conversation and quickly.

Twooter · 30/01/2020 07:11

Leave. Seriously, leave now.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/01/2020 07:13

Why are you allowing him to treat you like a mug OP?! Also with debt and no wages left at the end of the month why on earth are you hellofresh-ing ?

jackstini · 30/01/2020 07:13

I too am wondering why on earth you are with him
But - practical advice - write die (or spreadsheet)
What you owe him
What he owes family
Monthly outgoings - which you split 50/50
Work out monthly fair payments

If he doesn't agree, he doesn't move!

Who's name is the new tenancy in?

Sleepingboy · 30/01/2020 07:16

Its your choice to not make him pay. Dont let him get away with it. Tell him what his share is this month and if he doesn't come up with it tell him to leave! Honestly, these threads make me so mad. Why are you letting him get away with it?! Dont accept it.

Yahboosnubsme · 30/01/2020 07:22

This is madness, what is the actual point of him??? If I were you, I'd cancel the move, secretly arrange somewhere else for yourself, move to YOUR new place, and leave him in the old place to figure out how to pay for himself BY himself.

dazzlingdeborahrose · 30/01/2020 07:42

You need to work out the running costs of the household including an amount for maintenance. He pays half. If he doesn't agree he can move out.

Hello Fresh is an expensive way to cook. Can you nix this and do a regular shop?

Cleaning products because they're your 'hobby'. That on it's own would have me kicking him to the kerb.

Whynosnowyet · 30/01/2020 07:46

Stop being a bloody doormat and get rid of him ffs!!

You aren't in a relationship.. He is using you!!

dazzlingdeborahrose · 30/01/2020 07:48

Actually, having just re-read your post I think you need to get out of this relationship asap. Is the credit card in his name or yours? If it's in his name, it's his debt. He owes you far more in living costs anyway. This is not a healthy relationship. Don't stay with him because of a poxy credit card. Don't get yourself into further debt for this man.

LIZS · 30/01/2020 07:51

You might want to report your thread to mnhq asking to move it to the Relationships topic

Mintjulia · 30/01/2020 07:54

Leave and don’t look back, or you will be supporting him for the rest of your life.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 30/01/2020 07:57

Hello Fresh, moving, changing floors, etc are expenses I would definitively not be considering when I’m on my overdraft. He is in another planet but you also have to be realistic.

Personally, I think this is the typical mummy’s boy who has never need to pay his way. His money is like pocket money, someone else pays for his living expenses.

When someone shows you who they are, don’t go on thinking they will change when you move together, marry or have a baby... it is the other way around, if they are bad at the beginning they will get far worse in due course.

NotStayingIn · 30/01/2020 07:58

But why are you doing it?

I just don’t get why you would keep paying for everything? So utterly bizarre.

Veterinari · 30/01/2020 08:24

OP

You're in control of your life and your finances. You need to sort it out and stop finding his lifestyle

Gazelda · 30/01/2020 08:40

He doesn't respect you. He is clearly sponging off you and telling you you still owe him. Which is a lie.

Don't stay in this relationship.

LilyMumsnet · 30/01/2020 08:58

Hi OP,

We're just moving your thread over to our relationships topic for you. Flowers

VettiyaIruken · 30/01/2020 09:01

You are his cash cow.

Berthatydfil · 30/01/2020 09:04

Bin him

justthecat · 30/01/2020 09:05

Don’t let him move with you

DearHappy · 30/01/2020 09:06

Move on your own.

Bluntness100 · 30/01/2020 09:08

I think you should take responsibility for half the debt that is yours, yes.

Then work out fifty fifty costs, and tell him that's what he needs to pay to live, and he then needs to renegotiate his debt repayments.

If he is unable to do this, end it, and take responsibility for the debt that is yours.

Swipe left for the next trending thread