Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Partner won't pay

121 replies

midnightjasmine13 · 29/01/2020 21:10

We live together now. We make the same but I don't have many outgoings. He has debt. He does pay for half of the Hello Fresh which we get and electric. He pays no rent. That's £120 a month he pays for living. I make £1600 and it always seems to go. The main things I end up spending on are just the extras and it adds up to so much. We are moving and I am paying for it all. I am currently in my overdraft. The removals are estimated at £700. We will be laying laminate for the entire two bedroom and I will be paying for that and it getting laid down. I will be paying for all the paint etc. I will be paying for the new couch. Anything else I will pay for too. He has no plans to pay anything and he will also not pay rent in the new place. He wanted better internet and I am paying for it. I understand he has a lot of debt but he doesn't seem to understand that without me he'd be paying for rent etc himself. How would he cope? I know he would just have to. Other people make his money, pay rent, have cars and pay debt. One issue with me saying anything to him is that he took out a credit card for me when I needed it. However, most of that money ended up being spent on things for both of us. Things like food etc. But now I am supposed to pay it back and it's some how apparently doubled from what I thought it was. I desperately want to pay it back but I can't because I keep paying for him. If I don't then he keeps paying the interest although it isn't much right now. In order to move and pay for everything I will have to use my entire overdraft. I will have to get out of it before I can even think about paying off the card. He acts uninterested in flooring or decorating and I am sure it's because he won't have to pay for it. He does care about those things a lot though. I just don't know what to do. I've spelled it out to him about how £120 a month is nothing. Most of his debt is for a loan he took out for his family. He pays that back and he has no money. I then in turn pay for him and essentially then I am paying for his family. We found out recently that his family hadn't been paying something they were supposed to and it had all been coming out from his account and he wouldn't do much about it. I just want him to pay half for things that normal couples do. Acting disinterested in what we own doesn't take away from him needing to pay for what he uses too. It isn't that I want to nicest things and force him to pay for those too. No, everything I own furniture and appliance wise is second hand. Absolutely everything. If he pays no rent surely he can go halves on doing the place up. When we go shopping then anything he wants I will buy. On the odd occasion he is buying then he will split our shopping up so I pay for mine and he buys his own. As he doesn't use cleaning products because I clean then he deems them as something I want. Soap, detergent, bin bags etc. We have a cat which he loves but he will call the cat mine when it comes to food. When he talks to anyone else all of a sudden the cat is his. In the vets he will speak about her, hold her and not give me a look in. That is until it's time to pay. However, he will buy computers and tv's if he wants. He got a large amount of money when he was made redundant. None of which went to the debt. I am well aware that everything I have written is jumbled and I go back and forth to subjects. I don't really expect anyone to read all of this. It's mostly just a vent. I do wish I knew how to solve it. I have tried not buying extras and plan to carry on. But now the move is coming, I just don't know. As I said, he makes the same as me but he has debt. Should I have to take that on. Should I pay for everything and he reap the benefits. It just doesn't seem fair. I guess it doesn't seem fair because he doesn't mention ever really paying me back for it. There's never any 'you pay now, I'll pay later'. The debt I owe him hangs over my head and I feel it gives him a weapon despite that credit cards interest only being a tenner a month right now so it can't explain his lack of funds. I could just keep going on.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 30/01/2020 13:18

WTF I just read?

he's using you as a cash cow. Bin. Move alone. Forget about the credit card -add up all the rent and other expenses he has not paid, i bet you have covered what was used many times over.

MostlyHappyMummy · 30/01/2020 13:19

Pretty sure lots of threads like this are made up. Find it hard to believe that women this guillable and foolish actually exist.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/01/2020 13:21

He wanted better internet and I am paying for it
So what would happen if you, just this once, said that 'No, the current option is good enough for me. If you want better, you pay"?

loopery · 30/01/2020 13:32

Oh wow...seriously. What are you doing? What the F are you doing??? This is one of the craziest things I’ve heard. Make him move back in with his family that you are supporting and get in a lodger for that 2nd bedroom who will contribute half. Get yourself back on your feet. Now. No messing. My sister did this exact thing for a bloke and she ended up in huge debt and even now can’t get a mortgage.

loopery · 30/01/2020 13:34

Message him “I can no longer afford to have you live with me for £120 per month. I’m in too much debt. I’m going to have to get a lodger in for the 2nd bedroom until all the debt is paid off. Please make arrangements to move back to your family this weekend”

Beautiful3 · 30/01/2020 13:39

Seriously what is wrong with you? Kick him out. What a loser he is expecting you to pay for everything. Fgs do NOT have a child with him.

Howyiz · 30/01/2020 13:47

No one can be this fucking stupid?
Move out by yourself. You have paid back your debt to him by paying for his rent/food/Internet and being his personal cleaner!
If this is true, you need some serious counselling to figure out why you would ever put up with this shit!

GaraMedouar · 30/01/2020 13:49

People who say they can’t believe women can be so stupid and put up with this. I know I was a mug, but it doesn’t start like that - my exP didn’t meet me and say ‘I’d like us to live together and you pay for everything is that ok?’ I had come out of an unhappy marriage, which had really affected my self esteem , no intimacy , cold exh etc - so when I met exP it was just what I needed, a lovely guy, friendly, loving - I thought I’d met someone I’d be with forever. He is still a ‘lovely’ laid back ,id describe him as a human Labrador , a friendly Baloo the Bear, but like a big happy toddler. Initially he did contribute to rent , over time he stopped, always an excuse, he was self employed so it was always ‘things will pick up, I’ll pay you back’ He never argued that he didn’t need to pay anything, he was always sorry and saying he was trying. Once you’re invested you then hope that at some point he’ll turn the corner , it’ll improve. I then had DD so didn’t want to break up a family. It just went on and on though. He’s now cocklodging with his new girlfriend. He couldn’t afford to pay tax and insurance on his car so he now uses his girlfriends car permanently (she doesn’t use it daily). I just kept hoping he’d wake up and change. Unfortunately not, and eventually I woke up. But now I’m a knackered single mum, financially supporting everything and he is with his new girlfriend, living for free again. It grates a tad.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 30/01/2020 13:51

Why the hell are you still with him?!!! Stop subsidising him ffs and get some self respect

Graphista · 30/01/2020 13:54

Silly question really but can you afford to move to new place on your own? Is suspect yes as you’re currently massively subsidising him!

Or can the move be cancelled altogether?

You’ve a cocklodger on your hands, I think you already know this. He needs to pay his way or fuck off!

The cleaning products are yours because you do the cleaning?! FUCK THAT! Would he rather live in a grime ridden hovel?!

Where was he living when you met him? How old are you both?

I’ll bet you’ve MORE than repaid ANY debt YOU may have incurred and at this point he owes you money...but cut your losses and just get rid and get some therapy to make sure you don’t end up in this position again.

HugoSpritz · 30/01/2020 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyzzz044 · 30/01/2020 14:03

You will be better off without him. Move on your own and pay the card off. Honestly he will never change. If he isn't ashamed of himself now he never will be.

MaverlousMo · 30/01/2020 14:25

OP, finish it and let him go and live with his family.

Are you sure about where his money is going ? He could be putting it all in a savings account

Dacquoise · 30/01/2020 14:51

Op, I would be thinking about the reasons why you can't put a stop to this dynamic. Do you feel overly grateful to just have someone so are willing to sacrifice your money to 'pay' for it? Are you afraid he will leave or reject you if you don't keep giving to him? Do you feel responsible for his debt, it's your problem to fix it for him? Are you hoping/hinting to him to stop doing this to you but not actually brave enough to confront him for all the above reasons? You have made yourself very vulnerable to this type of abuse and to stop it happening in future perhaps you need some counselling and work on your boundaries and self esteem. I understand how you feel, I was the world's biggest door mat to other people until I worked on my issues. Now I like myself enough to not allow anyone to exploit me in the ways your partner is doing here.

From his side, what sort of person ruthlessly and without guilt exploits another person like this, especially someone who is supposed to a special other? You really do deserve better.

Jaxhog · 30/01/2020 14:58

You aren't married so there is no such thing as pooled finances. Therefore, you should be splitting your costs straight down the middle.

Although, tbh, I'm not sure why you want to stay with him.

HavenDilemma · 30/01/2020 15:04

Not RTFT as stopped once I got to "He has no plans to pay anything and he will also not pay rent in the new place." What the actual fuck????

Rottnest · 30/01/2020 15:18

OP, please please, wake up and do what Jackstini said, there is good advice on this thread, please follow it. Your P is using the bank of Jasmine to fund his life. When does he demonstrate any concern for you or your welfare? Nobody in a healthy relationship would tolerate this situation. Show some self respect, establish your boundaries and stop being taken for a mug. I mean this in the nicest possible way OP. Please stop this guy using you, bleeding you dry and disrespecting you. Best wishes to you

AFistfulofDolores1 · 30/01/2020 15:38

OP probably won't be back. Anyone who has to hide so much from themselves (i.e. the truth about him) won't be able to hear it from so many of us either.

kittykatkitty · 30/01/2020 15:48

Firstly stop calling him your partner.
He is not!
You are his meal ticket and free lodgings.
He has absolutely no respect for you and is happy to watch you do everything and provide everything.
He is a man child and you are his career.
This is not a equal relationship.
Please leave him

Emmelina · 30/01/2020 16:00

He landed on his feet with you, didn’t he?

Think the general MN term for a chap like this is “Cocklodger”.

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/01/2020 16:01

OP do your friends in real life, or your family know about this? Tell them. See what they say.

He's not your child OP and he is pulling a fast one and you're letting him.be with someone body who loves you for you not what you're paying for, or better still, be alone, drop the financially dependent debt ridden selfish dickhead and rebuild your savings, enjoy your money etc. He's holding you back and always will.

PatricksRum · 30/01/2020 16:17

Tell him that not Mumsnet.

People treat us the way we allow them.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 30/01/2020 16:47

Why keep a dog if you can bark yourself?

AngelsSins · 30/01/2020 19:07

OP, time to get real, you’re renting a boyfriend.

You know that right? Now why are you settling for it? You could have a man who loves and respects you, who would take care of you, support you and actually add to your life.

Please work out why you don’t think you deserve that, ask why you are choosing to buy this pig of a man. You’re worth more than this.

12345kbm · 30/01/2020 19:33

OP this if financial abuse. He is taking advantage of you financially. You need to finish the relationship and move on. Chalk it up to experience and never move in with a man who lets you pay for everything, then dictates how he wants the place to look. He lets you do all the cleaning and decorating as well.

He is taking advantage of you. I'm sure you're lovely but he isn't. He is counting on you not being assertive enough to bring this up.

Don't bother with spreadsheets and dividing chores and 'having conversations'. He's not interested. He'll play along and then be back to his old ways. Look into doing the Freedom Programme or perhaps have to counselling to work on your self esteem. Maybe look into doing an assertiveness course.

Swipe left for the next trending thread