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Partner won't pay

121 replies

midnightjasmine13 · 29/01/2020 21:10

We live together now. We make the same but I don't have many outgoings. He has debt. He does pay for half of the Hello Fresh which we get and electric. He pays no rent. That's £120 a month he pays for living. I make £1600 and it always seems to go. The main things I end up spending on are just the extras and it adds up to so much. We are moving and I am paying for it all. I am currently in my overdraft. The removals are estimated at £700. We will be laying laminate for the entire two bedroom and I will be paying for that and it getting laid down. I will be paying for all the paint etc. I will be paying for the new couch. Anything else I will pay for too. He has no plans to pay anything and he will also not pay rent in the new place. He wanted better internet and I am paying for it. I understand he has a lot of debt but he doesn't seem to understand that without me he'd be paying for rent etc himself. How would he cope? I know he would just have to. Other people make his money, pay rent, have cars and pay debt. One issue with me saying anything to him is that he took out a credit card for me when I needed it. However, most of that money ended up being spent on things for both of us. Things like food etc. But now I am supposed to pay it back and it's some how apparently doubled from what I thought it was. I desperately want to pay it back but I can't because I keep paying for him. If I don't then he keeps paying the interest although it isn't much right now. In order to move and pay for everything I will have to use my entire overdraft. I will have to get out of it before I can even think about paying off the card. He acts uninterested in flooring or decorating and I am sure it's because he won't have to pay for it. He does care about those things a lot though. I just don't know what to do. I've spelled it out to him about how £120 a month is nothing. Most of his debt is for a loan he took out for his family. He pays that back and he has no money. I then in turn pay for him and essentially then I am paying for his family. We found out recently that his family hadn't been paying something they were supposed to and it had all been coming out from his account and he wouldn't do much about it. I just want him to pay half for things that normal couples do. Acting disinterested in what we own doesn't take away from him needing to pay for what he uses too. It isn't that I want to nicest things and force him to pay for those too. No, everything I own furniture and appliance wise is second hand. Absolutely everything. If he pays no rent surely he can go halves on doing the place up. When we go shopping then anything he wants I will buy. On the odd occasion he is buying then he will split our shopping up so I pay for mine and he buys his own. As he doesn't use cleaning products because I clean then he deems them as something I want. Soap, detergent, bin bags etc. We have a cat which he loves but he will call the cat mine when it comes to food. When he talks to anyone else all of a sudden the cat is his. In the vets he will speak about her, hold her and not give me a look in. That is until it's time to pay. However, he will buy computers and tv's if he wants. He got a large amount of money when he was made redundant. None of which went to the debt. I am well aware that everything I have written is jumbled and I go back and forth to subjects. I don't really expect anyone to read all of this. It's mostly just a vent. I do wish I knew how to solve it. I have tried not buying extras and plan to carry on. But now the move is coming, I just don't know. As I said, he makes the same as me but he has debt. Should I have to take that on. Should I pay for everything and he reap the benefits. It just doesn't seem fair. I guess it doesn't seem fair because he doesn't mention ever really paying me back for it. There's never any 'you pay now, I'll pay later'. The debt I owe him hangs over my head and I feel it gives him a weapon despite that credit cards interest only being a tenner a month right now so it can't explain his lack of funds. I could just keep going on.

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 30/01/2020 09:08

he’s taking the piss

SandyY2K · 30/01/2020 09:10

People use you when you allow it. Get rid of this worthless bucket of bolts disguised as a man. He's pointless.

IAmcuriousyellow · 30/01/2020 09:11

He’s like your baby. Move yourself and your cat into the new place and let him find a new mummy.

AvocadoAdvocate · 30/01/2020 09:15

You allow him to behave like this and are complaining that he behaves like this. Can you see where you're going wrong? We teach people how to treat us, so time to write a new lesson plan.

Doyoumind · 30/01/2020 09:17

Get rid of him. Do not move in with him. Stop paying for things you don't need like Hello Fresh. If the credit card is in his name, the debt is actually his to worry about so you tell him what you are going to pay and when and not the other way round.

I'm pretty sure you will still move in with him but I can't assure you this relationship isn't going to last.

BobbyBlueCat · 30/01/2020 09:18

Why on earth would he ever start paying for anything when he's got a mug who just floats around and pays for it all for him and always has done?

Why are you paying all that out to move house? Don't move if you can't afford it. One couple doesn't need two bedrooms so if moving has to happen then get somewhere smaller. If you HAVE to move, laminate flooring is hardly essential so don't buy it.

Why haven't you said to him in a supermarket, "can't you buy this whole shop"? Why haven't you said "you need to pay half of everything from today or I am walking"?
If he is paying all of his money out to pay off debt, then why haven't you sat down and asked to see paperwork surrounding all his debts, outgoings and bank statements. You should be putting together a plan of how long it will be to pay these debts off, if he's prioritising the correct debts and if there is anything he could cut down on spending. And then you'd know the end date of these debt payments and he can pay half from this date forwards.
As is, I've a feeling he'd never tell you when they're paid off and just keep pretending his money is going on that every month even when it's all finished with.

You're being a complete naive, wet blanket mug and you need to take control over this.

You've clearly got no intention of leaving him though so I'll look forward to seeing you on here in a years time when you've a ton of debt to your name and nothing has changed.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/01/2020 09:20

It's not just him though. His family are also seeing you as a cash cow.

Stop everything. You can obviously afford to live without him, might even be cheaper.

Make a list... what does he add to your life?

Bogoffrain · 30/01/2020 09:20

Dump him and get a lodger !

Pr1mus · 30/01/2020 09:20

Why isn't he paying rent? I'd run for the hills while you can, you're not his walking bank!

When my OH moved in with me, I sat down and showed him all the outgoings including rent, bills and food and we agreed to pay half each regardless of income! He earns a lot more than me but I don't mind paying half because I live here too!

Sounds like this guy is really taking advantage of you. His debt is his problem, he shouldn't use that as an excuse not to contribute to the household. Xx

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 09:21

Stop obsessing over all the details and get out of this relationship, there's nothing in it for you

Deadringer · 30/01/2020 09:22

He is a a very expensive hobby op, time to give him up. Debt aside, he is mean, very very mean, and selfish. Even if he had no debt he wouldn't pay his share, that is very clear from your op. For God's sake get rid of him.

Longdistance · 30/01/2020 09:28

He’s taking you for a mug. I hope the tenancy is in your name?!

TwentyViginti · 30/01/2020 09:32

What are you doing OP? Why is this freeloader even in your life?

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 30/01/2020 09:37

Why are you enabling his behaviour?

He is a freeloading user and is taking you for an absolute mug, while you are continuing to pay for everything he will carry on behaving this way.

Debt can be a crippling burden and some people can go in to denial and avoid addressing the situation but this is not what is going on here. He had the capability of sorting out his finances when he received his redundancy payment and he chose not to. That was a clear indicator that if you stay with him your life will always be like this so get out now before he drags you under with him.

Give him the details for www.stepchange.org/ and move out without him.

ofay · 30/01/2020 09:43

Sorry OP, but I just don't get it. You're paying to have a man in your life?

Why would you do that?

Poorolddaddypig · 30/01/2020 09:50

You’re allowing this.

notapizzaeater · 30/01/2020 10:03

Just stop carrying him, you'd be better off on your own

jessycake · 30/01/2020 10:22

Surely your contribution the the credit card debt has been paying his half of the rent .

PinkMonkeyBird · 30/01/2020 10:50

He's a cocklodger. Ger rid of him!!

mogtheexcellent · 30/01/2020 10:57

Cocklodger!

Please kick him out. Any person with scruples would not leave you to pay for everything.

Plus I would cancel hello fresh. Too expensive and you clearly cant afford it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/01/2020 11:03

How on earth have you got yourself into this situation?

Why doesn't he pay any rent?

Why are you paying for EVERYTHING?

Just stop!

TheReef · 30/01/2020 11:04

WTAF OP! Why have you get it get this far. Move without him, he's a user

PerfectParrot · 30/01/2020 11:12

Surely your contribution the the credit card debt has been paying his half of the rent.

Absolutely this! Move in without him - get your single person council tax discount, do proper shops rather than Hello Fresh and cancel the "better" broadband. You will easily save the pittance he is paying you.

FourDecades · 30/01/2020 11:16

Good grief OP. How have you got yourself in this situation?

Unless you're happy for it to continue this way, l think you really need to consider living apart as currently you're paying to keep him.

SurvivingCBeebies · 30/01/2020 11:22

Can I live with you? /s

But seriously.. LTB