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Partner won't pay

121 replies

midnightjasmine13 · 29/01/2020 21:10

We live together now. We make the same but I don't have many outgoings. He has debt. He does pay for half of the Hello Fresh which we get and electric. He pays no rent. That's £120 a month he pays for living. I make £1600 and it always seems to go. The main things I end up spending on are just the extras and it adds up to so much. We are moving and I am paying for it all. I am currently in my overdraft. The removals are estimated at £700. We will be laying laminate for the entire two bedroom and I will be paying for that and it getting laid down. I will be paying for all the paint etc. I will be paying for the new couch. Anything else I will pay for too. He has no plans to pay anything and he will also not pay rent in the new place. He wanted better internet and I am paying for it. I understand he has a lot of debt but he doesn't seem to understand that without me he'd be paying for rent etc himself. How would he cope? I know he would just have to. Other people make his money, pay rent, have cars and pay debt. One issue with me saying anything to him is that he took out a credit card for me when I needed it. However, most of that money ended up being spent on things for both of us. Things like food etc. But now I am supposed to pay it back and it's some how apparently doubled from what I thought it was. I desperately want to pay it back but I can't because I keep paying for him. If I don't then he keeps paying the interest although it isn't much right now. In order to move and pay for everything I will have to use my entire overdraft. I will have to get out of it before I can even think about paying off the card. He acts uninterested in flooring or decorating and I am sure it's because he won't have to pay for it. He does care about those things a lot though. I just don't know what to do. I've spelled it out to him about how £120 a month is nothing. Most of his debt is for a loan he took out for his family. He pays that back and he has no money. I then in turn pay for him and essentially then I am paying for his family. We found out recently that his family hadn't been paying something they were supposed to and it had all been coming out from his account and he wouldn't do much about it. I just want him to pay half for things that normal couples do. Acting disinterested in what we own doesn't take away from him needing to pay for what he uses too. It isn't that I want to nicest things and force him to pay for those too. No, everything I own furniture and appliance wise is second hand. Absolutely everything. If he pays no rent surely he can go halves on doing the place up. When we go shopping then anything he wants I will buy. On the odd occasion he is buying then he will split our shopping up so I pay for mine and he buys his own. As he doesn't use cleaning products because I clean then he deems them as something I want. Soap, detergent, bin bags etc. We have a cat which he loves but he will call the cat mine when it comes to food. When he talks to anyone else all of a sudden the cat is his. In the vets he will speak about her, hold her and not give me a look in. That is until it's time to pay. However, he will buy computers and tv's if he wants. He got a large amount of money when he was made redundant. None of which went to the debt. I am well aware that everything I have written is jumbled and I go back and forth to subjects. I don't really expect anyone to read all of this. It's mostly just a vent. I do wish I knew how to solve it. I have tried not buying extras and plan to carry on. But now the move is coming, I just don't know. As I said, he makes the same as me but he has debt. Should I have to take that on. Should I pay for everything and he reap the benefits. It just doesn't seem fair. I guess it doesn't seem fair because he doesn't mention ever really paying me back for it. There's never any 'you pay now, I'll pay later'. The debt I owe him hangs over my head and I feel it gives him a weapon despite that credit cards interest only being a tenner a month right now so it can't explain his lack of funds. I could just keep going on.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 30/01/2020 11:32

Move without him! He is beyond takng the piss.

Glenthebattleostrich · 30/01/2020 11:36

He must be a damned good shag the amount you are paying for sex.

Dump him and move on. If he mentions the credit card point out how much he owes you for rent etc

MyOwnSummer · 30/01/2020 11:41

Sorry OP, you've been had - he has no intention of paying.

Questions - Do you rent or own? Is the rental contract/mortgage in your name or both your names? Are you married (I'm guessing not because you said "partner"? The answers to these questions will tell you how easy or difficult it will be to get him to pay up or piss off.

You're allowing someone to use you, and it needs to stop. If you love him, it might be worth trying a "come to jesus" / ultimatum type conversation but frankly this type isn't likely to change.

Only you can fix this. I understand how easy it is for situations to creep up on you, and I hope you don't feel attacked by some of the harsher responses on here, but THEY ARE RIGHT. Nobody wants to see a nice, generous person being taken for a mug. And unfortunately this is exactly what is happening.

combatbarbie · 30/01/2020 11:42

You've posted so you know it's wrong. He is a cocklodger!

I would seriously tell him that you are moving on your own until he starts to get a grip of himself and be an adult. Point him in the direction of stepchange to assess his debts and see if they can help with a debt management plan.....

But under no circumstances allow him to move into the new property with you until he is financially stable.

Redred2429 · 30/01/2020 11:52

I agree op move without him he will just keep doing this and it will be harder to get him to leave when he's in

AdaColeman · 30/01/2020 11:54

Why are you letting him take you for a fool midnightjasmine?

End your relationship with him immediately, and move to your new place without him. Your life will be so much better without this freeloader ripping you off.

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 11:55

So you're reading all this Midnightjasmine, are you going to take it onboard?

Shoxfordian · 30/01/2020 11:56

You're a mug
Dump the cocklodger

alliwantisabitofpeace · 30/01/2020 11:56

Why have you agreed to move with him knowing he will not be paying anything? I'm sorry to say but you are enabling his behaviour.

He/you will get you further and further into debt until you are so stressed out and broke and you are stuck.

Sort this now before you move into another home and he leaves you high and dry with nothing!

LonginesPrime · 30/01/2020 12:06

Anything else I will pay for too. He has no plans to pay anything and he will also not pay rent in the new place. He wanted better internet and I am paying for it

Why?

Either pay because you want to or start saying no!

I understand he has a lot of debt but he doesn't seem to understand that without me he'd be paying for rent etc himself. How would he cope?

Does it matter? He's got you there to carry him so why would he care?

He's not going to wake up one day and realise how generous you've been - he's taking advantage of you and that will continue for as long as you let it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/01/2020 12:08

Most of his debt is for a loan he took out for his family. He pays that back and he has no money. I then in turn pay for him and essentially then I am paying for his family

What does this mean? Are you referring to an ex partner of his and possibly children, or does the "family" mean something else?

Whatever the answer, though, I agree with everyone else; there's just no point in this and you might as well get out now before you're drained of any more

BigFatLiar · 30/01/2020 12:14

Stop the credit card so he can't charge any more. Move on your own.

Whatisthisfuckery · 30/01/2020 12:19

OP, are you a mug? Because if you aren’t, you’re doing a bloody convincing impression of one.

Why are you letting this cock lodger sponge off you? It’s got fuck all to do with debt and everything to do with him being a deadbeat sponging manchild. What do you think will happen if he ever gets his debts cleared, do you think he’ll start stumping up then?

You’re being mugged off big time here OP. Grow some ovaries, get some self respect and and rid of the waster.

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 12:23

Come on Jasmine it's time to interject, we're all trying to help you, what do you think?

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 12:24

Is he sending all his money to family in another country?
is he paying off the people smuggler who got him into the country?
Is that what you mean when you say he borrowed money for 'family'?

DonnaDarko · 30/01/2020 12:26

I find it hard to believe that debt to his family is taking up his entire income. I think he's taking you for a ride.

I have debts and I still pay my way!

Whatisthisfuckery · 30/01/2020 12:29

Oh and OP, you do realise don’t you that once he’s bled you dry and got you up to your eyeballs in debt that he’ll be off to find another mug to sponge off? You’ll be left paying the rent or mortgage on your newly done up place on your own while paying off all the lovely things he’s had at your expense. Have you ever tried to rent a place with a shit credit rating OP? Because that’s what you’ll end up having to do when he dumps you and leaves you on the bones of your arse, and that shit cred rating will follow you around for a long long time.

Give your head a wobble OP. At this point you’re going into this with your eyes open and when it all goes tits up, which it inevitably will, you’ll be left with nobody else to blame.

PGtipsplease · 30/01/2020 12:33

He is really using you.

Justyouraveragehuman · 30/01/2020 12:40

Wow what a poor excuse for a man. Absolutely bin him off

Namechangednorth · 30/01/2020 12:41

I struggle actually believe this that any women could be so naive.

There is a name for men like this...cocklodger and he is fucking well lodge and extracting from you

Get rid

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/01/2020 12:43

He saw you coming. Now you need to do the only sensible thing and turn around so he can see you going. Tell him to stick the credit card debt up his arse. You have more than paid for it by carrying him financially up until now and legally he doesn't have a leg to stand on if he were to try and force you to pay it back.

GaraMedouar · 30/01/2020 12:44

My ExP was a cocklodger - and when he finally left (I finally reached the end of my tether and said either contribute or leave) he owed me £14k unpaid keep - he lived with me 7 years. He has never paid me and also doesn't pay a penny child maintenance for our DD. Don't end up there OP.

PaterPower · 30/01/2020 13:08

I can IM you my bank details if you fancy paying for me as well OP?

Seriously though, this guy is using you. “Partner” suggests someone contributing to a relationship. He really isn’t doing that.

UYScuti · 30/01/2020 13:10

I'm not making any more contributions until OP comes back

SleepingStandingUp · 30/01/2020 13:18

Op that's a lot to read.

Let me summarise.

Q.
My partner refuses to contribute for our house but I fully enable this behaviour. Now we're moving again and I'm still enabling it. How do I stop enabling it?

A.
Don't, just leave him.

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