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Partner won't pay

121 replies

midnightjasmine13 · 29/01/2020 21:10

We live together now. We make the same but I don't have many outgoings. He has debt. He does pay for half of the Hello Fresh which we get and electric. He pays no rent. That's £120 a month he pays for living. I make £1600 and it always seems to go. The main things I end up spending on are just the extras and it adds up to so much. We are moving and I am paying for it all. I am currently in my overdraft. The removals are estimated at £700. We will be laying laminate for the entire two bedroom and I will be paying for that and it getting laid down. I will be paying for all the paint etc. I will be paying for the new couch. Anything else I will pay for too. He has no plans to pay anything and he will also not pay rent in the new place. He wanted better internet and I am paying for it. I understand he has a lot of debt but he doesn't seem to understand that without me he'd be paying for rent etc himself. How would he cope? I know he would just have to. Other people make his money, pay rent, have cars and pay debt. One issue with me saying anything to him is that he took out a credit card for me when I needed it. However, most of that money ended up being spent on things for both of us. Things like food etc. But now I am supposed to pay it back and it's some how apparently doubled from what I thought it was. I desperately want to pay it back but I can't because I keep paying for him. If I don't then he keeps paying the interest although it isn't much right now. In order to move and pay for everything I will have to use my entire overdraft. I will have to get out of it before I can even think about paying off the card. He acts uninterested in flooring or decorating and I am sure it's because he won't have to pay for it. He does care about those things a lot though. I just don't know what to do. I've spelled it out to him about how £120 a month is nothing. Most of his debt is for a loan he took out for his family. He pays that back and he has no money. I then in turn pay for him and essentially then I am paying for his family. We found out recently that his family hadn't been paying something they were supposed to and it had all been coming out from his account and he wouldn't do much about it. I just want him to pay half for things that normal couples do. Acting disinterested in what we own doesn't take away from him needing to pay for what he uses too. It isn't that I want to nicest things and force him to pay for those too. No, everything I own furniture and appliance wise is second hand. Absolutely everything. If he pays no rent surely he can go halves on doing the place up. When we go shopping then anything he wants I will buy. On the odd occasion he is buying then he will split our shopping up so I pay for mine and he buys his own. As he doesn't use cleaning products because I clean then he deems them as something I want. Soap, detergent, bin bags etc. We have a cat which he loves but he will call the cat mine when it comes to food. When he talks to anyone else all of a sudden the cat is his. In the vets he will speak about her, hold her and not give me a look in. That is until it's time to pay. However, he will buy computers and tv's if he wants. He got a large amount of money when he was made redundant. None of which went to the debt. I am well aware that everything I have written is jumbled and I go back and forth to subjects. I don't really expect anyone to read all of this. It's mostly just a vent. I do wish I knew how to solve it. I have tried not buying extras and plan to carry on. But now the move is coming, I just don't know. As I said, he makes the same as me but he has debt. Should I have to take that on. Should I pay for everything and he reap the benefits. It just doesn't seem fair. I guess it doesn't seem fair because he doesn't mention ever really paying me back for it. There's never any 'you pay now, I'll pay later'. The debt I owe him hangs over my head and I feel it gives him a weapon despite that credit cards interest only being a tenner a month right now so it can't explain his lack of funds. I could just keep going on.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 30/01/2020 19:42

Omg what the fuck are you doing taking this freeloader with you??

Pumpkinpie1 · 30/01/2020 19:52

Why are you moving and buying things you cannot afford?
You sound miserable.

Sometimes it’s better to live alone than with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you.
If he did he wouldn’t be financially abusing you

ffswhatnext · 30/01/2020 19:52

Bin him off.
You don't need him. You will not only live without his £120 a month, but you also won't have to use the OD as much and instead save money.

How he will live isn't your problem. Not like he's really been thinking about you whilst you have been subsiding him and his family or blowing money without paying off debts etc.

And you do all the cleaning so he thinks this is your expense 🤣

Just out of curiosity I would ask him how any future children would be funded in his delusional little world.

See the future move as the perfect time to dump him.

LouHotel · 30/01/2020 19:58

£120 a month.

You would probably save £20 with single person council tax and all your utilities will half. As well as food.

If he can't afford rent then he needs to speak to citizens advice about his debt and take speak to his lenders about reducing the monthly payments but I bet it actually isn't his debt but that he hasn't stopped living beyond his means.

End this relationship.

forumdonkey · 30/01/2020 19:58

Give your head a fucking wobble. Wtf?!

Get rid of him. He's done a right number on you and completely taking the piss.

Move into your new place on your own. By the sounds of it you'll afford it easily if you get shut on the twat draining your bank account.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/01/2020 20:09

Move on your own OP, this guy is a thieving cocklodger - he will make you poor forever. Move with the puss and build a good life for yourself and you will meet someone who isn't a scheming twat.

ffswhatnext · 30/01/2020 20:11

And the only reason you cannot afford things at the moment is simply because of him.
Just to put it into context for yourself, do write down every single penny you spend on him and his family a month.

Now imagine every month that money staying in your account. Might not seem that much, but it looks a lot better in two months and so on.

Chances are without him there, you would have been able to move without using the OD.

Talking to him, showing him anything won't work. He knows what he is doing. Why should he change? It doesn't benefit him. Come on if you could live with someone who will do all your cooking and cleaning, pay your expenses, all for £120 a month, of course, you're going to do it, especially if you don't really give a shit about the person doing it all. Nice people wouldn't do it, it's abusive, it's exploitation.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/01/2020 20:19

dear gawd.. what have I just read .. OP get a bloody grip of yourself and throw this idiot out.

Winter2020 · 30/01/2020 20:30

The only upside to the paltry amount he pays towards your home is that it's not much to miss if you get rid of him. Get a lodger instead and you will probably get £500 plus depending on where you live. He is a user.

AquaAquaAir · 30/01/2020 20:39

If he was a fabulous lover, considerate and caring, around the house, and for you, he might be worth keeping.
If not ? Dump him

Blanca87 · 30/01/2020 20:41

I think she's gone Confused

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 30/01/2020 20:43

Swap the cocklodger for an actual lodger. You’ll be much happier in the long run.

NightsOfCabiria · 30/01/2020 20:46

OP isn't coming back.

So tired of these threads, they always go the same way:

OP: I have an arsehole, he’s a money / time sponge & useless. What shall I do?

US: Get rid! He’s useless.

OP: ... silence

Bananalanacake · 30/01/2020 20:55

Why do you have to live with him. You can stay in a relationship and see him once or twice a week, then you can spend your hard earned money on your home. I really don't understand the desperation to live with a man.

Highonpotandused · 30/01/2020 21:48

Did OP return?

Haffiana · 30/01/2020 22:07

Some women pay for cock.

Bananalanacake · 30/01/2020 22:53

A vibrator is cheaper!!

AlwaysCheddar · 31/01/2020 04:57

Don’t move with him!!!

RibenaMonsoon · 31/01/2020 08:23

You need new ground rules NOW.
He needs to be open and honest with you about his finances. If you asked him to show you a bank statement do you think he would oblige?
Would you see all his money going to the debt or will there be a small amount going to the debt and the rest spent on what he wants?

You need to go through

  1. What his monthly outgoings on debt are
  2. What he has left
  3. What he can afford to pay in rent and bills

This needs to be a non negotiable.
If he's willing to go through finances and make an arrangement and go through what he can and can't pay etc. Be completely open about his finances and seems to want to sort it out, then that's a good plan.
If he starts to make excuses and not want to do this stuff with you then you know he's a freeloader and it's time or get rid.

Urkiddingright · 31/01/2020 08:44

Why are you paying for something like Hello Fresh when you’re broke? Get down to Aldi or Lidl like everyone else.

Also ditch this cocklodger and see how much more money you have floating around. He saw you coming.

CrimsonCattery · 31/01/2020 09:50

This sort of behaviour is like boiling a frog. It slowly gets more unacceptable but by the time it gets to this, it feels too late to change.

I had one like this.

It isn't too late. I LTB and you should too. I have had the best year of my life since leaving

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