Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

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Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

I messaged a friend just now to explain a little. She's been lovely and offered for me to come over this evening. It feels scary to be telling someone irl but I think it's also a kick up the butt and a relief.

You are doing so well with everything.

I live your plan to get out and about more even if your husband doesn't want to.

I got to the point with my husband that instead of giving in to his moods and it ruining things for everyone I would just carry on as normal.
The most memorable was a trip to a boating lake where he was moody and trying to ruin things, I left without him, he rung and text continually begging me to go back for him. I didnt and even though I had no clue how I was going to row a boat with the kids in all on my own we still went and had a fantastic time.
The kids lived it and we didnt have his mood hanging over us.
He was really pissed off but never did it again.

I couldn't live like that plus loads of other crap (including emotional affairs and spending addiction) so I made him leave in April 2018. Our divorce was finalised yesterday.

You've got this

Amazing ! Good girl get your plans together in your head before he knows about it , get out get some friends and hobbies in place, forget about his car it will be hard but there is public transport start getting on buses or get a taxi to train station for now so you get used to it , it just adds to your adventures going out ! Can you get w bike with a child seat on also ? Work out childcare find out about local nursery prices etc whatever it is you need , you will start living life on your own it's a big step but it's the best step ! Be prepared for him to start harassing you and stalking begging you back and accusing you of having a new man , once you go best way is to block everything and if he harasses call police and women's aid for advice and maybe get an injunction too xx 😘

Congrats sortingit that's great its been finalised

If I can't drive I won't be able to take eldest DS to school and youngest to childcare then catch a bus in time to get to the hospital where therapy takes place. I'd just have to quit. But I don't care about taking public transport generally. Did it for a few years when it was just me and my eldest before I met H and passed my test :)

H keeps jokingly saying "you hate me don't you". I'm a bit off this week. The realisations hit me all at once this week so I do feel completely different about the relationship than I did last week and the 5 years before that. I'm not being horrible. I guess I am finding it hard to feign affection. I haven't gone for a kiss or any passing touches or hugs. I can't bring myself to either unless he's asking for one or initiating one. Ugh this is hard. Thank you so much for the replies. You're all lovely and helpful and have helped the scales fall from my eyes a little more, which they needed to.

I wish our youngest wasn't his. Which is horrible but knowing I'll have to Co parent with him when he's vile about my eldests dad is a shit prospect. He stopped me allowing him to come in when he picks up DS or drops him off and listens in from another room when I answer the door. He also refuses to answer the door if I'm not in so I have to be there for drop offs. If its a pick up DS gets ready and goes once his dad knocks so it's less stressful but I prefer to be there so DS isn't put in that awkward situation. I don't even know how it got like that. Or why I accepted it.

My eldests dad was crap years ago but he was very young and it was unplanned. He's pulled his socks up, pays for him, takes him out etc. So I have no gripes with him myself personally anymore. But H says that's the reason he doesn't like him. And because he wishes DS was his. Bs though. He just hates that his dad is walking proof I slept with someone else and that I might secretly still fancy him. God give me strength

Or you find a friend, relative or childminder to do your drop offs on therapy days. Or buy a cheap car. Presumably there is a end to this at some point. You need to stop putting incidental barriers up to achieving your longer term goal. Maybe your therapist can help you see past them.

I have no savings and some debts so only about £100 to save towards a sturdy banger or something a month. My family might potentially help me but they're not rich or anything. Ive saved the number of some childminders near me that I found on childcare.com. There's a couple.

He's such a dick OP.

Sneaky abusive bully's are very sensitive to when their victim is pulling away and no longer under their full control.

I really, really think you need to tell the therapy unit exactly how caught you are re transport. Is their anything they can do to help.

Ask your mother and friends, could anyone help.

Would you be able to get a loan for a car, for people to help you with the loan.

You are luckier than you realise....if it's only a car keeping you with him.

Your plans to get out more are great..... disengage..... disengage
💐

billy it's funny you say that because he's suddenly so aware of how I seem to him but when he's behaving like a twat or ignoring us and I'm clearly seething or really hurt he's suddenly blind he is quite insecure so I guess he's feeling shit I'm pulling away.

That's a good point. If I tell my therapist she might have some suggestions or be able to help with the timing of the sessions.

I know I'm extremely lucky that he's not on the tenancy and that we have no joint account or anything to secretly organise. That would be horribly stressful.

Thanks.

I just asked the nursery if they could swap my youngests slots on those 2 days to morning ones or put me on the waiting list. I didn't think of it before because they said it was full but that was over summer. So maybe it'll be easier to sort than I think. If I could it would be free and I can easily drop DS off and get the bus to hospital and back to pick up youngest.

The early red flags are critical, imo. I ignored a few with my ex-husband and they were all the things that eventually lead me to leave him which was hideously difficult as by then our lives were so entwined, no least financially. I ignored his jealousy about my past - red flag. I ignored the fact that he was so hopeless with money that all his credit cards had been taken away by his bank manager - red flag. I ignored that he had a slight 'bitchy' side to his character and sometimes made offensive remarks about other women - red flag. I ignored the fact that he could be glib and make hasty decisions without all the necessary information - red flag. When I started trying to get my own career together his family stepped in to try to 'keep me in line' - another red flag. They were also incredibly manipulative when I eventually divorced him. Abusive relationships nearly always happen over a period of time. It's a bit like the frog in hot water analogy. With a covert narcissist abuse will be quite subtle.

That's really helpful insight. Thanks. I'm sorry you had to go through that though. What a shite.

H has always proclaimed himself a feminist and appeared horrified by my rape but then he says some quite horrific things about women and their sexuality. It's happened over time of course.

2yrs ago I revealed information about a dodgy relationship I had (he pestered me to as he found out a snippet) where I was 17 and the guy was 24 and I was deep in my first ever depression and easily manipulated and a virgin. I explained that he had a gurlfr3and I had no idea and one morning after staying over at his this woman appeared at his door screaming at him and I had to hide in a cupboard. I said he love bombed me and said I was special and all that shit and I felt under his thrall. But with hindsight the guy should've known better and could easily see I wasn't well and wasnt ever fully comfortable, which I said. H lost his shit. Ballistic. He said he never thought he'd date a slut. He walked out after I told him to. It was awful. I took a week to forgive him and he's never been as honest about his opin8but they're there, lurking. I can tell when he hears about things in the news like high publicity rape or abuse trials.

He also dislikes me going out with one polyamory female friend because he thinks it's disgusting and will rub off on me somehow. He doesn't word it that way but he says it's immoral and weird and he doesn't like me potentially getting caught up in it (she doesn't just pick up strangers from bars, not that I'd give af if she did)!!

It's a mind fuck because he praises me a lot and showers me with nice comments inbetween all the shit. Much more than the shit. But there's still unacceptable shit.

No it isn't a mind fxxk.
Not anymore.
You see him very clearly.
He's an manipulative horror.

But as I've read on here many times....not all the time.
That's how these pricks hold onto women as long as they do.

Your eyes are opened OP and crap that you haven't dared to ruminate on is finally percolating to the top of your consciousness.

You are finally admitting to yourself that he is a lazy, abusive little shit that has been affecting your mental health.

Keep remembering, and keep dragging up this stuff, because it will help give you the strength to get this waster out of your home.

If I can't drive I won't be able to take eldest DS to school and youngest to childcare then catch a bus in time to get to the hospital where therapy takes place.

I get taxis a lot, I find they're worth it.

Have you applied for PIP hun? Might help a bit with the cost of stuff.

The realisations hit me all at once this week

Yep, I was like that when I made a thread(s.) The Mumsnet 'vipers' spur you on, don't they?

H lost his shit. Ballistic. He said he never thought he'd date a slut.

Awful :( :( :( Hugs xxx

I receive pip. It helps a lot. Thanks for the suggestion :)

Thanks billy it was great to see my friend. She listened calmly and agreed it was all shitty. It helped with my resolve and everything.

But I've come home and H is all "I missed you" and trying to be affectionate and jokey. Its really hard. I do still love him and I think he cares about me in his fucked up way. But it's still damage already done. I'm going to go somewhere public with him on Monday, after therapy when the DCs are out and tell him how serious things are and that I'm at this point. We'll go from there. I can't predict how he'll react but itll be better if we're not just home alone together. Harder for him to stonewall me and I won't be prone to just crying out of anger and frustration because we're in public. God Im dreading it.

interested I'm snooping for your thread if it's still around. It helps so much to read others threads. I've scoured MN the last few days for similar threads to help me gain some insight and resolve!

Glad you get PIP. Sorry to repeat myself drunkenly lol, but I totally would get taxis if you need to. I don't drive, so get them all the time.

Well done in your resolve to talk to your H.

I think you need to talk your feelings about him through with your therapist, as you know. I think you need permission to feel primarily that he's a cunt. If you spelled out in therapy all the things he's done (if you haven't already) it'd make you feel able to work with that information optimally.

You still have feelings for him, but that doesn't change what he is. I know you can't leave till you're ready, though.

Will send you a PM xxx

Thank you! Yeah I can afford a couple of taxis a week if it comes to it. I checked buses today and its not a bad situation. Its doable. And I've had a childminder reply to me about availability and things as I've been putting out feelers for that if nursery can't accomadate a change.

Ooh, great work. Sounds promising.

I can't sleep again. I'm seeing dm tonight. I just feel sick and emotionally knackered

Make sure he doesn't get hold of your phone or see you typing here OP. What I done before I left my ex was set up a separate email address and typed to myself in that like a diary because I knew my ex had already snooped through my stuff in the past. You think they don't/won't but they do!

Hi OP just read this thread and just wanted to say you are so strong, you are doing EVERYTHING! He is doing less than the minimum!

I hope the chat with your Mum goes well today and you can put a plan in place x