Can a relationship turn emotionally abusive after a few years?

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Regular here. Name changed because I don't want to be outed by friends. Just that really. Has it happened to any of you? Things were great early on but we rushed things and some of the very very small pale red flags now seem a little bigger and brighter a few years and one DC later. But I'm still not even sure it's emotionally abusive per se. It's not the usual things like controlling money or outright put downs. It's subtle things that I'm only just really seeing and not dismissing. I'm just not sure if my gut is oversensitive (and it can be due to anxiety/depression that's well controlled but still there from time to time) and maybe it's just a bad dip in the relationship due to having a full on toddler and some life stressor this year. Did any of you ever have a realisation after a year or two?

A small example is H having an issue with my history if it's ever come up. I've only had a few relationships and slept with under 15 people and he only knows of a few but he, on those rare occasions it comes up, does make me feel bad about it intentionally. Which I brush off obviously because its ridiculous.

And earlier in the year I was very unwell and sectioned due to a freak breakdown. It was a one off and I've been perfectly fine since but if we have a bit of an argument Ill say I'm going to clear my head by getting a coffee or going for a walk and he's blocked the door once or twice because he says he thinks ill go kill myself. Maybe that ones on me but it feels controlling.

What I mean is, that feels like gaslighting and like he's using my MH against me so I can't escape the situation. It's only happened maybe 2 or 3 times since the summer but it's irked me each time. Obviously he's got great sides to him or I wouldn't be in this situation or only just wondering if some of this is a bit... Off. And I wonder if I'm difficult myself and maybe don't see it.

Has anyone ever gone through a phase where they worried their relationship might be toxic or low key abusive and its passed or turned out to just be a bad phase?

Thank you. That's a good point. I'm. Engaging and doing my absolute best to follow the guidelines I've been given like with medication, sleeping well, self care things. The team I'm under know this and know I have my shit together.

I'd keep hold of the car until he asked for police involvement, if he can. Because its very vital to us and he doesn't need it. And like you say we're married so it's a joint thing.

He comes to DSs appointments. I do all the ringing and booking and driving.

You sound like such a good and thoughtful person OP. This man sounds like bad news, not just lazy, but controlling - the egg thing was outrageous and he was testing to see if he could make you clean it. Also he is workshy and has no drive, whilst you are the opposite. The being on the computer all the time would drive me nuts. I sense that you are nervous of how he will be if/when you ask him to leave. But if he stays he will continue to chip away at your self-esteem (seems to be his main goal in life). You need to stay strong for your DCs, get some help and support from family and friends - they probably know he is a knob.

Thank you Rebel

I'm nervous because when I've asked him to leave when he's said or done something extreme and I just need space he's said no and he has every right to stay. Which I sort of see both sides of but I do see it potentially coming down to him not taking me seriously then eventually accepting I'm serious and refusing to leave. So I am nervous. I could be wrong but my gut is telling me it will be very awkard and messy.

This is why keeping a diary of his behaviour and treatment of you and the dcs would be very useful. You may need to go to court to get an occupation order. I had the support of a solicitor for mine. I'm sure that women's aid can offer advice.

I've started a diary for that reason. I've got an old personal letter file organiser thing I can hide it in upstairs. It's only got my pre-marriage info in it and it's in tbe back of the cupboard where we never look either. He'd never have a reason to look through that stuff.

I used a Word document for my diary, on my iPad/phone, so that it was password protected. I added screen shots of emails and text messages and wrote as much as I could about historical episodes which gradually can back to me once I started!

That sounds like a very good idea. I don't have any other screen but my phone. And he lives on the pc so I can't so it on there. I could use a Google doc on my phone but I prefer to be able to see it easily. It's a headache on a little phone. I know from experience of trying to edit essays last minute during an access course I did a few years ago 😂

'And there's potential for him to use my mh to say I shouldn't have DS as resident parent. But it's baseless. That's what I'd be more concerned with though if I ever saw a solicitor. '

(This is a classic abusers' tactic of course.) As PP's have said, I don't think he'd really get away with that. Your consultant and everyone would say you've been well, compliant with meds, and are choosing to get loads of therapy. xxx

'I'm nervous because when I've asked him to leave when he's said or done something extreme and I just need space he's said no and he has every right to stay. Which I sort of see both sides of but I do see it potentially coming down to him not taking me seriously then eventually accepting I'm serious and refusing to leave. '

I may be missing something after a couple of glasses of wine, but am I right in thinking he's not on the tenancy? So he doesn't have a leg to stand on. If he refuses to leave, just call the police and say you don't want him there.

I'm so glad I posted. I've had brilliant advice and feel a lot saner (because this has been making me feel ott and crazy) and sure of myself than I have in a few months.

I bet he's been trying to convince you you're OTT/crazy, knowing it's a really easy button to press due to your natural worry about your health.

You aren't. xx

No you're right. Not on the tenancy. I would threaten with the police if he refused and then go through with it if he still refused. I'd just hate it to come to that with the DCs here and it just being a horrible situation. I don't want to waste police time or have to have any drama with kids around. So hopefully he'll see that and control himself. But it's worth mentally preparing for him not to.

I'd ideally give him a week to sort somewhere to stay and secure some quick funds. But if the atmosphere is too much for me and the DCs I'll shortern it. Hopefully he'd realise its better to try and keep it under wraps around them and not sulk or be aggressive and just get on with sorting himself out. But you just don't know until it happens I guess.

Also OP, could you call 101 and make an appointment for advice?
That you are planning on asking him to leave and it could get messy.
I think if you have that noted and your number registered, they will come very quickly.
If he was to make a fuss you could pre-empt it by telling him that you have registered with the police that he is abusive to you.

Abusers are bully's, and often back away when they find there are police on the woman's side supporting her.

I think the more planning you put in, the more secure you will feel within yourself, your decisions, and eventually your actions.

💐

I could when the time comes. Not a bad idea.

He came to bed last night after o came up for an "early night" alone and was being all affectionate and saying how much he loves me and hugging me and stuff. I still love him so it's really confusing because it's like 2 different feelings having a standoff in my head. I should let him know it's reached this bad a stage but I also don't want to rock the boat to the point that I can't logistically get to therapy. I don't think Id feel justified enough to file for divorce unless I said 'look ill leave if things don't change and I'm dead serious'. Because then I've said my bit and given him a clear message. If he then reverts back to gaming all day/being crap with our DCs/ignoring the work issue then I can leave with a guilt free conscience. If that all makes sense. I don't want my DCs to ask me later on if we tried and if not, why. I'm so worried they'll hate me for it.

Our talks are awkward because he's so defensive and I'm so passive. I am part of the problem there and need to be firm and state the damage. So I don't think he actually has a clue that I'm close to leaving. And I don't know if that's unfair and a rash decision if he's not had fair warning?

I wish we didn't have DCs and I could just book a hotel for a week. I need a break from him and 'us'.

OP, the things that are deal breakers for you are so basic in a relationship that it is not on you if he refuses to get it....

Endless gaming
"Being crap with the children"
Not wanting to work

Really look at the above.....not to mind

Being manipulative
Using your MH against you
Being aggressive
Causing your MH to deteriorate
Suiting himself in what he does and doesn't do

Your children will understand because you love them.
You need to protect them and your MH.

If you don't the alternative is one crap parent and one desperately unwell parent, despite your efforts.

Could you ask your mum to help you get a bit of time and space? Visit someone?
💐

He sounds terribly insecure and he chooses to take them out on you. His insecurity isn’t going anywhere soon and could very well escalate if he feels his comments and behaviour no longer satisfy his insecurities.

I suspect the insecurity has always been there but your section has triggered an escalation because he thinks that you are emotionally vulnerable and pliable.

You are doing you and your MH no favours, by being exposed to his behaviours.

You need to prioritise your MH and it’s unlikely that you can do that when you are in a relationship with someone who is as insecure as your partner is.

Thanks. I know he's been and is being shit. And it's starting to be bad for my mh. I just wish I could end it tomorrow if I'm going to end it. I'm so bad at pretending to like people generally and faking affection and the like. But Im trapped if I want to stick to this therapy.

And I'd just be giving him a chance so he can't say I didn't. Although it shouldnt take your wife saying fgs get your shit together or I'll leave to step up to parenting and working.

Can you explain why you feel so trapped if you continue your therapy? Sometimes mh issues make it hard to see the possible alternatives. Is your therapy nhs funded or are you paying for it privately.

But then that's shit isn't it, giving a sort of fake chance. I woke up next to him this morning and was looking at him thinking who are you. He woke up a bit and said he loved me and he's lucky to have me. I think some part of him can sense my overnight change of mind and that I'm thinking of leaving.

I mean because if he leaves it'll likely mean the car goes and I have to rearrange childcare and potentially find a new CM or nursery for DS to go to 2 mornings a week. The childcare isn't as big an issue as not having transport would be.

It's nhs funded and very very hard to come by as it's "specialist". The waiting list was about 18 months.

Sorry, this is probably a really frustrating thread to read. I'm going in circles a bit. I'm doing the food shop later and will stood for a coffee alone on the way home and call/text some people to see if they're about this weekend so I can talk to them irl. Just a close friend and my mum. I don't want H to overhear or think I'm texting a boyfriend

*stop

What I can do is start living my life how I've wanted to be felt dragged down by H. Ihe doesn't like leaving the house...

I'm going to start taking youngest DS for a walk in the pushchair along our local canal each morning, so we get out. He can get out at one end and play at a park for a bit then we can come back. I need to be outside more and so does he. I'm going to plan more family days at the weekend. We have some we'll priced local things and free places to visit. And we love country walks. Those kinds of things. And while h is still at home ill make the most of being able to leave the house in the evenings and see more friends and family. I've had a lot of connections dull down over the last few years. I need a new routine that better serves me and the DCs.