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Original poster

Cost of travel to see children

131 replies

Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 11:02

My ex is refusing to see his kids unless I travel 50% of the journey.

We moved 3 years to Wales and we split after 11 months of living her. Was together a total of 9 years. He has moved to back where we used to live. For this reason he thinks I am responsible for doing half the journey with our 3 kids.

Last year he saw them 46 nights out of the year. He works full time and lives with a new lady and her child. I have a tiny camping business that I operate around the kids school and still live alone. (Not sure that matters!)

He works nights on a sporadic rota so I cannot predict when his is off and he won't share his rota as it is none of my business. He cannot commit to regular visits (he says) due to the need for his rota to be flexible (he shift swaps to get longer chunks of time off). He says won't see the kids this year unless i agree to 50% of the journeys or if I bring them to him when I visit my family who live near him (which I do anyway).

Should I agree to 50% of the journeys so he will agree to see his kids more?

OP posts:
debbs77 · 29/01/2020 11:11

Tricky one. I refuse to take my kids half way because my ex chose to move, and pays pittance in maintenance (£24 a month for 2 children). I literally cannot afford the fuel costs and why should I??! Plus the extra time it takes

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 11:19

Thanks for your reply!

Do you know what the legal stance is on this?

When he does see the kids he tells them that he would see them more if I made the effort and that I am wrong. I see it that I do everything for them all the time, and that this is the least effort he can make for them. But I don't want the kids to resent me for not doing more, even though the truth is he should do more (in my view). I want to know what is right...

319 days of the year he suits himself. I think time on the road on the 6 occasions he sees the throughout the year, he should drive... Confused

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 29/01/2020 11:21

When me and ex split I was driving 500 miles every week to still see my dc. If he wanted to he would op...

Clangus00 · 29/01/2020 11:32

Tell him to take you to court then.
Does he pay proper maintenance?

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 11:32

Thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 11:34

Yes, he pays correct maintenance now we go through CMS. Before that he wasn't.

I can tell him that, but would you worry about what the kids will end up thinking with him bad mouthing me all the time? I am scared to death they will resent me. Will they understand when they are older do you think despite his brainwashing?

OP posts:
LemonTT · 29/01/2020 11:35

He moved away from you. He had no reason to move and he had responsibilities to stay. He needs to fund the consequences of his decision.

Bibidy · 29/01/2020 12:02

It all depends how cooperative you want to be and how important it is to you for your kids to have a relationship with their father. How far is the distance between your homes now?

FWIW I do think you should meet him halfway, I don't think that's an unreasonable ask from him. My partner meets his ex halfway to get his kids even though she moved away with them. He reorganised his working hours to be able to do this and wouldn't consider not doing it, even if he was the resident parent, as he would want the kids to have a good relationship with both parents. I think the sacrifice in time that you would have to give is worth it for your kids to have a relationship with their father. You may even find that if you do agree to this he may end up being more flexible down the line with regard to doing the whole drive eg. my partner sometimes goes all the way up to his ex's if the kids have birthday parties or sports games to attend.

I do appreciate that your ex is the one that moved but I do think it's understandable that following a relationship break-up someone may wish to move back to familiar people and surroundings, particularly if he was not likely to be taking the kids 50% or more of the time (obviously I don't know if this was the case or not).

As a whole, it would be better for your kids if you did meet their dad halfway so they could have more contact, even if it's not ideal for you.

fannycraddock72 · 29/01/2020 12:05

My ex moved 80 miles away and early tried to get me to meet halfway for pickups/drop offs. Like others have said it was their choice to move away so I didn’t feel it was up to me to drive 40 miles every time there was a drop off etc..

I pointed out to my ex that the arrangement would be a convince to them and an inconvenience to me. In certain special occasions I would do it, however half the time my ex would send their step daughter or partner to pick them up Hmm.

If he’s that type of character that would bad mouth you to the kids about it, then he’ll bad mouth you about something else if it wasn’t this. Most kids aren’t stupid, they’ll have figured out your the sane parent In all this.

How far has he moved?
Could you not agree to meet half way 1 out of every 4 drop offs?

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 29/01/2020 12:07

I think you have a bigger problem here in that he is bad mouthing you to the children! Saying he wishes he could see them more etc is normal I’m sure, saying he can’t and it’s your fault is not on!
Adult matters are talked about between adults! Children are not talked to about adult matters and should not be able to overhear. X

LittleWing80 · 29/01/2020 12:21

Oh my gosh your OP is horrific! He chose to move away and he is not prepared to make the effort to rearrange his work and travel to see his children? He is only paying you £24 a month because he has been made to by CMS? He is slagging you off to your children (which he is not allowed to)....? He us blackmailing you (either you travel half way or you will have to tell the children why they can’t see their dad) He doesn’t sound like a devoted loving father from your post.
Regarding the travel, there is real legal stance but I’m any court would rule that he chose to move so he is responsible for the travel (time and cost). Now I would also be firm on the bad mouthing and seek advice on that.
You sound like a great mum, I’m sure your children appreciate al you do for them 💐

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 12:25

He lives 120 miles away.

He has no family where he lives (where we used to live, but I have may parents there) but it is close to his work (he never gave up his job when we moved to Wales - he was back for 3 days and at work for 4 nights and used to travel back and forth). When we first split he talked about living in Wales and having 50/50 care of kids... we even looked at houses together with the kids, but wanted to have a short journey to work so moved back to where we were before.

The thing is, last year, I took them and picked them up from his location half the time anyway, but he does not count this as I was visiting my family and I had 'not gone out of my way'. I don't foresee going as much this year, and I don't see why I should to make his life more convenient around his rota. Even though I did this she wants me to commit to 50/50 travel this year or he point blank refused to see them. I just find that so odd.

OP posts:
LittleWing80 · 29/01/2020 12:30

I’m all for co-parenting in peace and harmony but this all (or mostly) on his terms. The threat in his tone (it’s my way or won’t see them) is really bad. Was he controlling when you were together? Have you tried calling his bluff and tell him how good a father this statement alone makes him sound?

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 12:32

@LittleWing80 thank you for your kindness. It was Debb77 that gets £24 a month. That was not my post. But all the other bits are correct. I think the same about him, how are you devoted if travelling to see your kids is such an issue?! When the 46 nights (last year he saw them 36 nights) is all the time he invests in them. X

OP posts:
PinkCrayon · 29/01/2020 12:37

If he takes you to court he won't look very good will he, refusing to see the kids until you do 50 percent of the journey that in itself shows how much he doesn't care.
He moved away, he should have taken that into consideration when he moved away as any other parent would.
My dh moved away from his child due to work, he does all the pick ups and drops offs as he should.
Your ex hasn't taken into consideration your children's feelings here at all, the fact he bad mouths you in front of them is awful especially as you are bringing them up whilst he pops in when he feels like it.
The kids will know who is there for them and that is you.
Don't let him bully you.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 12:42

@LittleWing80 Well, he was really nasty, yes. We split because of his abuse and aggression. He blames me for this situation as I wanted a divorce. I could not stay with him anymore being treated that way. He said to the kids it is all my fault we split and why Daddy can't see them "mummy has everything even you". My eldest daughter tells me he frequently says "Mummy is not a monster but...."

He sends huge long abusive messages/emails telling me that I am a terrible mum. I cannot bear to message him again trying to sort this out as I cannot deal with more abuse. It happens every time and it really upsets me (I know it shouldnt Sad).

I have offered to drive the kids to him next weekend (I am seeing my parents anyway- haven't been down in 4 months). I just am thinking what to do for the rest of the year... I think I will just take them down if I am going, and make the kids available if he has a change of heart.

I guess if he is not that bothered this will be enough for him anyway....?

OP posts:
antisupermum · 29/01/2020 12:43

Nope, not a chance. I did this for years, driving a 1 hour round trip EOW to facilitate my children seeing their dad. He wasn't in the least bit grateful and gave me no CMS. Ultimately I sent a solicitor letter which stipulated where the pick-up and drop-off points should be if he wanted to continue contact. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. More often than not it was "I don't have the train fare/petrol money/ a lift, could you just..." My response was always No; you know the arrangements and if you haven't budgeted for that then its your loss. I was clear with the kids that if the weekend fell apart, it was not of my doing. I didn't bad mouth their dad, but I did let it beknown that it was out of my control.

Its your time, money and energy. All valuable resources. Why should you sacrifice it for a man who clearly doesn't care much to begin with?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 29/01/2020 12:44

Tell the kids they can see their dad anytime he comes. Text and invite him to come to their sports events or school activities and Let The Children Know that you invited him. Basically you are vaccinating them against the lies he will tell them about why he doesn't visit. They will soon see for themselves:
He moved away from them.
He doesn't come when invited to important events.
He has another family.
You are the one always there to be relied on.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 12:44

Thank you @PinkCrayon this makes me feel so much better. I feel battered over this and feel so sorry for the poor kids. They deserve so much better.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 29/01/2020 12:45

If he was that bothered about seeing them he’d make the effort.

He moved, his responsibility. I would be more “forgiving” if he had approached this as a reasonable person. He didn’t.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 12:49

Thank you ALL so much guys...! I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your views and your own experiences...

It is so hard to trust your own thoughts sometimes... This helps no end.

OP posts:
LittleWing80 · 29/01/2020 12:49

@Bonsaigem
Apologies about the £24, seeing the amount made my blood boil when you know how expensive things are!
I agree with @pinkcrayon he is acting like a bully when you choose to put your children’s interests first. He clearly doesn’t. You are prepared to travel to him sometimes (to see your family but it’s irrelevant) so you are clearly not obstructive. He needs to step up and stop bad mouthing you and using the children to have his way. Stay strong 🤗

potter5 · 29/01/2020 12:55

No, don't meet him half way. He is responsible for picking up and dropping off not you. He chose to move so far away not you. He could offer petrol money to you but I bet he hasn't.

The kids will realise that he cannot be bothered to drive to pick them up. Don't worry. Don't give him headspace.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 12:57

@potter5 no, no offer of petrol money. He believes he gives child maintenance for this.

Thank you x

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 29/01/2020 13:04

If he was to take you to court, you’d each have to explain you reasons for wanting or not wanting to split the travelling. The most common outcome in my experience is that the judge would direct it to be shared.

However. I can’t see how he can come to court if he cannot commit to a pattern of contact. Court orders are for time spent, and can be quite inflexible. So I can’t see he’d take that option unless he was willing to prioritise his time with the children.

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