Cost of travel to see children

[Bonsaigem]

My ex is refusing to see his kids unless I travel 50% of the journey.

We moved 3 years to Wales and we split after 11 months of living her. Was together a total of 9 years. He has moved to back where we used to live. For this reason he thinks I am responsible for doing half the journey with our 3 kids.

Last year he saw them 46 nights out of the year. He works full time and lives with a new lady and her child. I have a tiny camping business that I operate around the kids school and still live alone. (Not sure that matters!)

He works nights on a sporadic rota so I cannot predict when his is off and he won't share his rota as it is none of my business. He cannot commit to regular visits (he says) due to the need for his rota to be flexible (he shift swaps to get longer chunks of time off). He says won't see the kids this year unless i agree to 50% of the journeys or if I bring them to him when I visit my family who live near him (which I do anyway).

Should I agree to 50% of the journeys so he will agree to see his kids more?

Court ordered me to drive 50% of the way (which was 2hr each way) he ended up messing around and i had to keep going to pick them up once they were there....

Who decided to move to Wales in the first place? My exH moved all of us to Cornwall for his job. I'm unable to get a job that pays as much as the one I had when we lived in London. If I ever move back to not get paid just above MW I would expect him to drive somewhere in between as I had to move out of necessity and moving so far away was to accommodate him and his job.

The courts don't care about your personal feelings towards each other just what is best for the kids and will often rule as such.

It might help to not look at driving halfway as helping him out but helping your kids out.

@Mariagatzs12 I came up with the initial "idea" of Wales as a place to bring up the kids in the countryside and have a better quality of life - family life.... At the time the marriage was on the rocks. I had an extremely stressful, demanding job and he worked nights (as he does now). We never saw each other and the relationship was bad and we thought that me being a stay at home mum and him travelling back and forth would mean that when he was off for 3/4 days at a time we could have 100% family time together and we could sort our issues out and enjoy life. He thought this was a good idea at the time and obviously it was quite a change but we went for it. He now is resentful saying he should never have done it.

He still has the same job and has moved back to make his work travel more convenient. Obviously, I don't have my job anymore as I gave it up and there are no such jobs like that around here. Anyway, I am not sure how relevant this is..I'm going on!

@Skyejuly that sounds awful! I feel for you. If he is not there on time can you not go back to court to get it changed again. Surely there should be commitment to the arrangement from him?

@HugeAckmansWife I think you put that very well:

I'll help, and I'll not obstruct in any way, but rps who are left to do 90% of the parenting shouldn't be expected to do 50% of the remaining 10% also.

I have this view too. I guess I just want the kids to understand this, but he drums it in their heads that I should be doing half the driving. He tells even the kids agree it should be half and half and he has recorded the kids saying this when they were last at his house.

He tells even the kids agree it should be half and half and he has recorded the kids saying this when they were last at his house

Totally unacceptable.
If he does ever put a court application in, make sure you gather together all of this. Children should never be dragged into their parents’ disputes.

From what you have written it would seem he isn't interested but gives him an excuse to abuse you further.

I would continue to let him k ow when you plan to visit family or friends near to where he lives and say he is welcome to collect and return them to X or you to him and that he is welcome to have contact at other times should he choose to collect and drop of from their home with you.

It seems by default you are doing the journey more than 50% because he never bothers unless you are taking them to his area.

I think the court would take a dim view of his attitude and if course you can offer to do the journey there and back in full when it's "your turn" and combine it with visits and it is very likely the courts would agree that is doing 50%

"I think the court would take a dim view of his attitude and if course you can offer to do the journey there and back in full when it's "your turn" and combine it with visits and it is very likely the courts would agree that is doing 50%"

Really good point made there ^^
Hope that soothes your worries Bonsaigem

We are waiting for another date but i won't lie they were utterly useless. It's ridiculous and he knows once they are at his that i have no choice but to get them! Good luck...

I would take the lead with this OP. Give him the dates you’ll be bringing the DCs to him this year (because you’re visiting family) and then send him all the details of every event parents are usually invited to e.g. school plays, parents’ evenings, sports days, school fetes, clubs, rehearsals, coaching sessions and even parties that include an invitation for parents to join in. Send this information by text/email.

I would get your DCs involved with lots of out of school activities to limit the amount of time he has to spend on the phone with them. And because of his abusive past make sure he only phones them when you are there to supervise the call. If he bad mouths you then you end the call. I hope your DCs don’t have electronic devices he can reach them with.

It's ridiculous and he knows once they are at his that i have no choice but to get them!

I think if you’re splitting travel Skyejuly I’d have to suggest he picks them up from you then you collect them from him, to save this sort of behaviour from happening again.

Surely if you take them to see him when y ou visit your DParents then he should reciprocate with 4 visits to see them in Wales. That equates to shared travel albeit total journeys..

@FenellaVelour yes.. i keep all of his messages. Thank you for this advice.

@MachineBee the kids each have a mobile phone that he bought for them (against my wishes). The kids are 5, 8 and 9 so I think it is ridiculous - they are far too young! We have a landline and there is also my mobile. He tells me to keep them charged so the phones are always avaialble. They are just not interested though.. He mainly picks on and involves my eldest in this and sends messages to her all the time. She doesn't respond as she is not interested. He calls on the mobile and then gets sully on text to her when she doesn't answer. I tell her Daddy is calling, but she doesn't want to answer it. He then sends her messages to her saying "call me when you are allowed your phone back" and "i understand calls are so hard when mummy is listening". She is at the point where she point blank refused to touch the phone at all incase he sees her on line and rings her. He once said to the kids on speaker phone "if you don't speak to me on the phone you won't be allowed around my house again". That really upset them.

I have taken time to message him to explain to him that kids just don't like talking on the phone and it is not personal, please dont be angry with them. He messages back insisting it is me controlling them and making them feel uncomfortable so they don't want to talk. There is just no getting through to him any logic.

My eldest is worried about seeing him next as she thinks he will tell her off for not talking to him. It's just awful!

@inlectorecumbit that would be nice! Trouble is, he doesn't count my journeys to to him unless i have done it on a date he requests to have them. If I take the kids to him when he has not requested them specifically, that is him helping me out, so it does not count as a journey. Well, that is how his logic worked last year. E.g. I came down last year for a birthday party and it wasn't a date he had requested to have them. I thought as I coming down down, i would see if he wanted them so text him a week or two before to see if he wanted to see them (I was happy to take them with me if he couldn't accommodate it). He did have them, but afterward said he did not count as me travelling as he helped me out.

See that is just utter fuckwittedness, like the earlier comment about it not counting as you doing the travelling if you combine it with visiting parents. That is utterly all about control and power, not sense, not making the best of a situation as it is. My ex has many many faults but we are working out the travelling stuff to fit in best with what we each can do and life generally. I think a firm no, offering visits when you are going down with as much notice as possible so he can arrange work, and agreeing dates that the kids will be available should he choose to travel to them. The phones I would hand to him in a bag, tell him they are too young , aren't dealing it with it well but they can call anytime on a PAYG phone that you provide and pay for (minimal cost, but you stay in charge). If they bring them back just leave them off in a drawer. He sounds awful

Stop worrying about what HE wants. Consider what is best for your kids! The phones need to go. The kids don’t want them (my DD is 9 and she is rubbish by phone). Arrange one or 2 nights per week when he can call the landline to talk to them. If they chat for a few minutes then bugger off (like mine does) then just say “oh dear, they’ve gone, kids aren’t at great at phone chat. Will call you on X day for the next chat”.

As for visits it sounds like he wants no more than 1 per month anyway. I’d take them when you see your parents (when you are doing 100% of the driving) and make him collect and return them on an equal number of occasions. I would meet halfway for any further visits BUT I’d insist on a regular schedule or 2 weeks notice if he wants the kids (not unreasonable).

Don’t argue with him. Email him, tell him how it’s going to be (he can call them on Tues and Fri anywhere between 4pm and 6pm and you’ll drop them down once every 2 months and will give him exact dates 2 weeks in advance. If he wants them more often he needs to come and collect them and give you 2 weeks notice) and then just send “I told you how this needs to work I don’t want to discuss it further” to any and all insults or demands for something different.

If he insults you on the phone hang up on him, don’t answer his calls at anytime other than the prearranged ones.

He doesn’t get to tell you what to do. You can explain to the kids what the arrangement is. Pull up your big girl panties and tell him what WILL be happening!

If he bothers to take it to court cafcass will be involved.

Read up on grey rock and start doing that he seems to want to continue to abuse you nothing else

I need to grow some balls and sort my head out don't I?!

Right. I have got it. I am clear. I know what I am doing. I cannot thank you all enough for your suggestions, help and support. Wish I'd done this sooner. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted and I have perspective. X

@RandomMess
Thank you. Never heard of grey rock. Will read it now.

I so agree with not allowing him to dictate to you what should happen!
Work out what you think is doable and best for the kids, and if he doesn't like it tell him that you'd be willing to meet with him in mediation meetings to discuss it, or that he can take the issue to court.
As i said earlier, I very much doubt that he will take it to court but in many ways it could actually be a positive thing as it would spell out exactly what should happen. This would lessen his opportunity to be abusive to you, and abusive to the children, because what he is saying to the children is abusive.

@Selmababies yes, I almost want it to.go to court too. So kids get a regular commitment and we all know where we stand and there is no need to keep on revisiting this. There will be no reason to communicate really, if we both knew the plan.

I just know he doesnt want regular contact as this has never happened. He blames it on his work but I think he likes to keep his options open. If he has to deal with this issue in court in order to deal with the travel issue in court I don't think it will happen.

I will take the kids as much as possible. I will do my bit FOR THEM.

So annoying...you can divorce the man but they never really go if you have kids!

@BonsaigemI feel for you.. I was in a somewhat similar situation with my dd who is now 21. I found it so stressful and difficult to deal with. It consumed so much of my mental energy.

Thank you. It is nice to know i am not alone although terrible to hear how many people go through nonsense like this! It should be so much simpler! How is your DD now? Have they been affected at all? I am scared that my kids will end up feeling rejected, lost or resentful...

I would try and plan your family visits well in advance so you can make the offer of bringing and collecting the DC from him. All offers via email.

Block him on phone/social media etc. Literally email only and always end each email with sweetness itself "please let me know if you would like to set up a regular contact schedule when you collect and return the DC in addition the journeys I have done and have offered to do this year.

I would be tempted to offer him to phone every same weekday at x time on your eldest mobile and keep it turned off the rest of the time. The fact he works shifts isn't your problem and you know he isn't interested in setting up regular schedule anyway.

Decide what you are prepared to offer and keep offering it and then stop letting it take up your mental and emotional space. He's a shit Dad and was an abusive husband.

KOKO

He moved away OP so I don't think you should be meeting him half way