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Original poster

Cost of travel to see children

131 replies

Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 11:02

My ex is refusing to see his kids unless I travel 50% of the journey.

We moved 3 years to Wales and we split after 11 months of living her. Was together a total of 9 years. He has moved to back where we used to live. For this reason he thinks I am responsible for doing half the journey with our 3 kids.

Last year he saw them 46 nights out of the year. He works full time and lives with a new lady and her child. I have a tiny camping business that I operate around the kids school and still live alone. (Not sure that matters!)

He works nights on a sporadic rota so I cannot predict when his is off and he won't share his rota as it is none of my business. He cannot commit to regular visits (he says) due to the need for his rota to be flexible (he shift swaps to get longer chunks of time off). He says won't see the kids this year unless i agree to 50% of the journeys or if I bring them to him when I visit my family who live near him (which I do anyway).

Should I agree to 50% of the journeys so he will agree to see his kids more?

OP posts:
KaptenKrusty · 29/01/2020 13:07

hmmm tricky!

My Step son lives in a different Country (Partners ex took child back to live in her home Country after they split)

DH pays her maintenance and pays for all travel (regular flights for child to come to us & his own flights to go visit son at various points throughout year!)

However when we have the child in our care we do not pay the ex any maintenance money during that time (an agreement between herself & my Husband which seems to be working well!)

How old are your kids? am guessing still too little to travel on a train without an adult??

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:14

@FenellaVelour no, he never commits to anything. I asked him to share his rota so we could plan and work together but he says that is none of my business and he would never do that. He told me last year that he has a rota that no gives him 2 weekends off a month and he said he wanted to see them 1 of those 2 weekends off. It never happened.

OP posts:
PinkCrayon · 29/01/2020 13:16

It's very difficult when you are in the situation and upset with all the abuse you are getting your mind can stop thinking logically and you can imagine all sorts of horrible shit happening.

So logically thinking he wouldn't take you to court he can't be bothered to see them consistently now, He would have to state when he would see them to a court and stick to it, Him being so uncooperative refusing to even show you his rota so you can work out what to do, to help arrange contact for him and your children,
Honestly he will make himself look an idiot.
You have the messages he doesn't have regular contact and is refusing to see them until you do 50/50 travel time. It will not end well for him. He knows that it's just easier to blame you and threaten you to get his way.
And let's also remember he would have to pay to take you to court which is expensive and time consuming and he will make himself look an idiot.
Its easier for him to pretend he is hard done by and you are the pain in the arse ex.
You aren't, I would really question him as a parent to be honest he sounds like an emotional abuser. You are so lucky he moved away from your kids.
Pay no attention and keep your logical head on. If your mind wonders come back on here, read over what other people say.
You are doing amazing bringing up your children on your own and running a business!
Your kids will remember who was there for them and thats you!

Jaxhog · 29/01/2020 13:17

My understanding is that if he moved away from the kids, it is his responsibility to pay the travel costs. But it may depend on what's in the maintenance agreement.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:18

@KaptenKrusty

The kids are 5, 8 and 9 so too young for any travel alone.

Maintenance through CMS is adjusted to account for the number of nights they see the kids... the more they see the kids the less they pay, which of course makes sense. As my ex sees them less than 52 nights a year, he pays the top bracket. If he no longer sees them this will not increase anymore.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 29/01/2020 13:18

Not a chance would I facilitate a man that abused me.

You need to focus on minding yourself.

Keep copies of all his abusive contact and tell him to take you to court.

As I've seen suggested here, only have contact by email. Set up an account especially for this.

💐

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:21

@PinkCrayon I cannot thank you enough! Honestly, I show a hard exterior but this has ripped me up inside to the point I cannot sleep. Pathetic really! Anyway I will take your advice. So, so glad I came on here! X

OP posts:
azigazigah · 29/01/2020 13:24

Legal stance is that the none resident parent is responsible for costs to see children.

For what it's worth I had an ex like this and because I wouldn't take them ha,f way he didn't see them for over two years. In hindsight I wish I'd have swallowed my pride and been the bigger person and taken the kids half way.

FenellaVelour · 29/01/2020 13:25

Well he can’t take you to court to demand you share the travelling at random times when he wants to see the children, on his whim. That’s not how it works.

And even if he decided he could commit to a set pattern, you would be able to bring up your other concerns in court about the abuse and the undermining. Keep any messages you receive from him.

FenellaVelour · 29/01/2020 13:25

Legal stance is that the none resident parent is responsible for costs to see children.

No it isn’t.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:26

Thank you @billy1966. I keep everything so I can show the kids if they ever have questions or want to know more when they are grown ups (never before) and of course if it goes to court.

When I divorced him it was such a relief, but it seems now I have to be a sitting duck to him bad mouthing me to the kids (god that hurts!) And not be able to defend myself. I would never engage with this man ever again if I could but I have to for the kids and I feel like I have to go along with it so the kids don't suffer their relationship with him. But the consensus seems to be the onus should be on him. Although if I am in the area anyway, it would be a but nasty of me not to drop them in for a few hours for the sake of the kids.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 29/01/2020 13:28

There is absolutely no reason he can’t make that journey. I travel more than 120 miles (it’s 2.5 hours by train) three times a week to work! If I can do that and back 12 times a month, while being a full time parent to 2 dc, he can surely manage it 6 or more times per year, especially when he has so much free time.

I think if you are visiting your family and you can build in an extra day and an overnight for him, sure great. My mum and I lived about 90 minutes from my dad. I saw him about as much every year. There was never a point when I thought the reason I didn’t see my dad was because my mum wouldn’t drive me there to save him getting off his lazy bum and being a parent. Your dc will not be fooled either and it sounds like the lose would be his, not theirs.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:28

@azigazigah why do you regret it... do the kids resent you for it? How far was your distance and who moved the distance?

Sorry, so many questions!!

OP posts:
LisBethSalander07 · 29/01/2020 13:29

Honest answer?

I'd do what makes your kids happiest.

If that means keeping them away from an abusive idiot, so be it.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:30

@FenellaVelour

I am not disputing this, and I think each case is read on a variety of facts as you mention...just wondered how do you know this. Have you got friends that have been through this or do you work in the legal sector? Thanks

OP posts:
BlueEyedFloozy · 29/01/2020 13:31

A friend of mine was in the same situation with 4 DC after divorcing her abusive husband.

He took her to court arguing that he shouldn't have to pay X amount for fuel costs on top of maintenance. She was told that it was both of their responsibilities to facilitate a relationship therefore she had to meet him halfway.

ILoveYou3000 · 29/01/2020 13:32

Sounds to me like he can't be bothered and has come up with an excuse to make his lack of interest your fault.

He moved, it's up to him to make the effort.

FenellaVelour · 29/01/2020 13:32

Have you got friends that have been through this or do you work in the legal sector? Thanks

I’m a social worker working within the private family courts.

BlueEyedFloozy · 29/01/2020 13:33

This was in 2015 btw so not a long time ago!

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:33

@mindutopia makes sense and good to know how you saw it growing up... thanks

OP posts:
ravenmum · 29/01/2020 13:34

Your two main options are

  1. spend time and money taking your children to an abusive man who will keep on telling them upsetting things whatever you do, potentially damaging their relationship with you - and later on they are not going to look back fondly on him either
  2. save your time and money, they will have to hear these upsetting things less often, and at least the relationship with you won't be so much at risk
Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:35

@BlueEyedFloozy very interesting. Thank you

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 29/01/2020 13:36

She was told that it was both of their responsibilities to facilitate a relationship therefore she had to meet him halfway.*

I’d say this is the most common outcome that I see. Or, rather, one parent does the drop off and one the pick up, to avoid children being “handed over” in random car parks and service stations.

littleduckeggblue · 29/01/2020 13:39

I think you should meet him half way.

purpleboy · 29/01/2020 13:41

Echoing what FenellaVelour is saying, my best friend has just gone through this and courts ordered he picks them up on the Friday buy she has to travel to pick them up on the Sunday, he also refused to have her at his house so she has to get a 3rd party involved to pick her kids up! It's a shambles especially as he made the decision to move over an hour away.