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Original poster

Cost of travel to see children

131 replies

Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 11:02

My ex is refusing to see his kids unless I travel 50% of the journey.

We moved 3 years to Wales and we split after 11 months of living her. Was together a total of 9 years. He has moved to back where we used to live. For this reason he thinks I am responsible for doing half the journey with our 3 kids.

Last year he saw them 46 nights out of the year. He works full time and lives with a new lady and her child. I have a tiny camping business that I operate around the kids school and still live alone. (Not sure that matters!)

He works nights on a sporadic rota so I cannot predict when his is off and he won't share his rota as it is none of my business. He cannot commit to regular visits (he says) due to the need for his rota to be flexible (he shift swaps to get longer chunks of time off). He says won't see the kids this year unless i agree to 50% of the journeys or if I bring them to him when I visit my family who live near him (which I do anyway).

Should I agree to 50% of the journeys so he will agree to see his kids more?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 13:45

@purpleboy that sounds terrible! I am surprised the court ordered 3rd party to be involved! That must be so hard to coordinate each time! Who moved away in that scenario just out of interest? Does he see them regularly?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 29/01/2020 14:09

I don't think he cares. He just likes using the DC to abuse and control you.

I wouldn't facilitate a thing for him.
Let him figure it out.

Selmababies · 29/01/2020 14:26

He sounds awful!
In your shoes, I'd think about the bare minimum of contact with him that my kids would find acceptable. My aim would be just to 'keep the door open' so that they can decide about him when they're older. I'd maybe give him four dates for the next year of when you'd be at your parents and tell him to let you know if he wants to see them. Other than that. he can cometo Wales to see them, or collect them if he wants to have them away from you.
Sometimes, i think kids are better off not seeing much of a parent if they don't prioritise their own kids, or if they constantly undermine the other parent. Using the kids as a weapon is so potentially damaging to them

Selmababies · 29/01/2020 14:34

I'd be extremely surprised ifhe can be bothered to go to court for contact. I doubt he'd even commit to a mediation meeting or two!

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 14:37

@Selmababies and @RantyAnty Thank you for replying and your advice!! Really appreciate it Grin

OP posts:
Meemm · 29/01/2020 14:44

He sounds like a real winner Hmm

PaterPower · 29/01/2020 14:51

My exW moved a distance away. The court ordered one way each for the EOW they so graciously granted me (we’d been 50:50 for three years before she decided to move, but that’s a whole other story).

We soon found it easier to meet halfway for each leg, so that’s what we now do.

CMS will make a small allowance to the paying parent for travel costs against maintenance, but it’s not very much.

LoveNote · 29/01/2020 14:52

take the emotion out of it.....whats most important here?

a father/child relationship

do the right thing for your children

Jaxhog · 29/01/2020 14:54

It does seem unfair that the parent who moved away doesn't bear the full consequence of that action. But I thought the suggestion of him seeing the kids when Op visits her parents seems a good starting point. Providing he knows well ahead of time when these will be.

JacquesHammer · 29/01/2020 15:49

do the right thing for your children

And what a shame it’s yet another woman having to “do the right thing” to pick up the slack for yet another feckless man

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 16:01

@jacquesHammer I just feel like I always do the right thing and he gets away with less than the bare minimum! But it's true the kids are no. 1.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 29/01/2020 16:03

And what a shame it’s yet another woman having to “do the right thing” to pick up the slack for yet another feckless man

I'd agree if he was asking OP to deliver the children to him, but he's only asking to meet half-way. By the sounds of it he won't be having regular contact anyway so it wouldn't be too much of a pain on the rare occasions it happens.

purpleboy · 29/01/2020 16:04

He moved away so he could shack up with his new wife.
Refused to pick up the kids so would send his eldest child (19) or sometimes my friend would do it to facilitate contact, but she stopped when he became an arse over timing etc... or she would turn up at the agreed time and he would be there!
I think it's a shame the court took this view as my friends husband work abroad a lot so isn't always there, her mum lives abroad, sister doesn't drive, her father is 79 so between him and her husband when he is home they do the collections! 70 minute drive. It's just not ok in my view. I feel if you move you should do the traveling.
Since going to court he sees one son every other weekend the other has refused to see him. Both boys haven't seen him since May due to a issue that occurred. Court order was set in Jan this year.

ColaFreezePop · 29/01/2020 16:08

@Bonsaigem if there are third parties who live with him, particularly other children, then that can be ordered to avoud conflict as the third parties have nothing to do with the situation.

Bibidy · 29/01/2020 16:19

I just feel like I always do the right thing and he gets away with less than the bare minimum! But it's true the kids are no. 1.

You are right OP, but realistically how often will he be asking you to do this. He won't even share his work rota with you so you're well within your rights to tell him you're not available to drop the kids if he asks late notice.

I think if you agree to this you'll find yourself doing it a lot less than you think. But it will show you were willing if he ever does decide to go down the court route, and more importantly your kids will know that you didn't prevent them seeing him, it was him who couldn't be bothered.

Menora · 29/01/2020 16:23

In the interests of getting him off your back, could you make him an offer and see if he will accept it.

The offer could be meeting half way once a month to drop the kids to him for 1 weekend. Then you only have to do 60 miles x 2 across the weekend only once a month.

Original poster
Bonsaigem · 29/01/2020 16:30

@Menora sees the kids less than once a month at the moment. Even with me already driving for half the journeys he reuqted last year. He lives 120 miles away so there and back is 240 miles.

I think I will just take them when I am going to see my parents, as lots of people have said, as he doesn't seem that bothered maybe this will be enough. He has never requested a set amount of contact, he just requests dates when he can fit it in. He has been specific he doesn't want/cannot accommodate regular access.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 29/01/2020 16:34

But the op does everything for the kids when they are with her. 100%. Why should she have to do 50% of the minimal effort and input he is required to do? I moved a distance from my ex for financial and support reasons. He has family here too and stays with them with the kids. He and some others make a big deal if this journey he does twice a month but compared to what I do on the other 26, it's nothing. It just looks like more effort because its all lumped together. Like the op I do sometimes take them to him if it fits in with my plans but I wouldn't do it half the time unless he did half the overnights, school runs, sick days etc. My ex and the OPs ex chose to be the NRP. Their relationship with their kids is not our job to facilitate at all costs. I'll help, and I'll not obstruct in any way, but rps who are left to do 90% of the parenting shouldn't be expected to do 50% of the remaining 10% also.

Menora · 29/01/2020 16:40

To shut him up really
Because he is going out of his way to try to emotionally manipulate his DC
I’ve been there and it has started to get better but I did have to do some compromising - I never did it for him. I did it for the DC

JacquesHammer · 29/01/2020 16:41

I'd agree if he was asking OP to deliver the children to him, but he's only asking to meet half-way. By the sounds of it he won't be having regular contact anyway so it wouldn't be too much of a pain on the rare occasions it happens

The OP has already said she’ll take the kids down when she visits her parents. She does 100% when the children are with her majority of the time, why does she have to make 50% of his effort too in the name of “doing the right thing”?

FenellaVelour · 29/01/2020 17:03

I feel if you move you should do the traveling

It’s hard to disagree with this! Judges’ thinking is often that they want both parents to do their share as it shows the children that they are working together and both playing a part in the arrangements. It does seem particularly hard, though, on the parent who didn’t move to have the extra pressure and financial strain that they never asked for.

Frazzled2207 · 29/01/2020 17:18

This is tricky. In your shoes I think I would aim to visit my family more than usual-
Maybe every few weeks or so? So that you can drop them off there but don't make it out to be a special journey.
You shouldn't have to but in time your kids will appreciate you making the effort.

HugeAckmansWife · 29/01/2020 17:21

But in my case, the ex left for ow and moved x distance away.. Far enough to only be available eow and only then from sat afternoon to Sunday teatime. I was left to everything else with 2 preschool kids (plus work). My decision to increase the distance apart was based on my need to reduce costs enough that his maintenance wasn't a crucial factor in my budget and to be near family support. It wasn't my choice to split up the family and my move away was about survival after his actions made it necessary. Why should I be penalised for that? But for his choice, he'd still be living in the same house with his kids. 'who moved' is too simplistic.

LittleWing80 · 29/01/2020 17:26

Judges’ thinking is often that they want both parents to do their share as it shows the children that they are working together and both playing a part in the arrangements.*

In this case though, I fail to see how any judge would see his attitude of undermining the mum, refusing to share his rota, desiring regular access or even getting a decent amount of notice to mum as remotely collaborative and working together in the children’s best interest!
In addition, they have routine, likely have weekend activities, birthday parties etc so unfair on them and OP to drop everything at a drop of the hat when it suits him.

PinkCrayon · 29/01/2020 17:28

This situation isn't just about doing 50/50 traveling though he didn't simply 'ask' he threatened he wouldnt see the kids if she didn't do what he wanted.
No one who cares for their kids behaves like this along with upsetting the children saying nasty things about their mother.
You can't always do everything an abuser says as they will walk all over you.
But at the same time it's good to take things slow and think about what to do, as op is doing.
He's unlikely to ever go to court its just a threat to unsettle op like the abusive texts he sends her, it's too much effort even commiting to regular contact.
People like him aren't fit to be parents, as he gets more settled into his new life, he may even have another poor child or two with his new partner, things will die down the kids will become even more of a burden to him as he has others that distract him and he will get bored and the contact issue will tail off.
Op by all means drop the kids off by him if u feel that's the right thing to do when you go down but don't run around after him, don't react to his abusive messages, they say everything about him and nothing about you and are just more evidence that he is an abuser. Just let this tail off he will soon get bored as he gets on with his 'new family.'
Dont waste your time worrying it's what he wants you to do.